OLOBA: The Light Was Yellow, Sir
by Cazcatharsis
Summary: The Banes sisters and their giant robot guardian fight against the everyday crap, Decepticons, and an unknown human enemy. Life's little kicks in the ass start getting painful. Nothing to do but kick back.
1. Chapter 21

Yes, I'm back. COWER! Just kidding.

This one is a continuation of **Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration**, not a Part Two, hence why the chapters are labelled the way they are. And there is a major POV switch, from Mikaela and Barricade to her sister Malena and Frenzy's POVs. I know, OC's are overdone, but I felt like tryin' to view this from a newcomers view, and Frenzy is underappreciated in fic.

I hope you like this, and have some fun with it. Remember, I'm doing this for the pure stupidity, so don't take this all serious. Suspend disbelief and just enjoy. :D

Oh, and even now, I still don't own shit but Malena. But I wish I owned her car.

* * *

_Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and have a heart attack_. Pulp Fiction

**(21)**

"MALENA! Where the hell did you put my pants!"

My sister, the ever-panicking teenager, ran like a damn chicken with her head cut off across the living room, nearly tripping over the edge of the rug, then disappeared around the corner to the laundry room. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and yawned, not exactly ready and willing to get up and scour the place for… pants? Christ, the girl had forty pairs of pants, she could have been more specific.

"Which ones? And will you slow the hell down? Nobody's comin' for another hour! You got plenty of time!"

Mikaela stuck her head around the corner, glaring daggers at me. "The blue ones with the torn knees."

That narrowed it down to three. "And?"

"With 'Lucky You' on the fly thingy."

snort Oh_, those._ "Hanging over the shower curtain. They're still drying."

"SHIT!"

From my comfortable splayed position on the couch I heard Mikaela's thumping feet run up the stairs and into the bathroom. "YES!"

"You're welcome!"

I was too damned lazy to ask her why she was freaking out so badly, it was only us girls, nobody she had to 'dress to impress' for. She was a teenager, they freaked out over everything. Though she'd be out of her jeans and into pajamas within… three hours…

Tonight would be fun. We'd recently settled into the warehouse, after much bartering on price and the 'delay' of a couple weeks ago, and Mikaela was about to being cramming for final exams, and everyone was fully recovered… so that naturally meant, Party. Girls only though. I hadn't dragged Mouse into a sister night since before I got my dumb-ass kidnapped by that admittedly hot Mustang, and when I mentioned it to Sarah she squealed.

"We have to do that! All four of us!"

So that's when it all started to come together. Mikaela tackled Judy, I had Sarah harping on Will to take the baby for the night, and it just…happened. We were going all out. The comfy pajamas, the booze, Chinese food, the movies (classic horror, for Judy's sake) and the gossip. It felt strange to be sharing this ritual with people I barely knew, but we all needed it. Seriously. I don't know who needed it most, but we were all stressed by the sudden shift in our lives, from relatively normal (could anything be called 'normal' these days?) to a weird friendship with giant alien robots. Mikaela had a few weeks to get used to it before the rest of us, but she was still obviously thrown by it.

Judy and Sarah though, they were interesting. Judy had one of 'em practically living in her driveway, the cute little Bumblebee. I could only imagine how… _frightening_ it would be to find out that your son not only rides around in and is best friends with a 16 foot alien with cannons bigger than my thigh, but went so far as to save the world, fall off buildings, get shot at, fight those Decepticon guys? I don't know how she stayed sane. Despite what a lot of people thought of her, she was a vastly intelligent woman. A little dippy in the head sometimes, but I suspected it was cover, a front. She had her way of dealing with the stressors of life, just like I did. If anyone needed a night of stupid drinking, food and chatter with a bunch of girls, it was her.

Then again, Sarah Lennox had quite the life herself. A very tiny young baby, a husband who was likely to be shipped off back to Iraq if the government didn't hurry the fuck up and officially make him 'Liaison' between the U.S. and the Autobot faction, and a 20-something foot truck with a mean streak. Ironhide, like Bee, practically lived at the Lennox's place, and, in his words, was 'subjected to transporting a smelly sparkling' from place to place on a near daily basis. And poor Sarah had to put up with his grumbling. Thank goodness she stopped breast-feeding or she'd not be able to get pissered with us.

As for myself? Well…

"Lena! I can't find my hairbrush!"

"It's right here, up my bum!"

"Oh, okay g… oh gross. Eww…"

Yeah.

I was just tired. After getting the snot beaten out of me by various forms of metal, living and dead, and the fun of healing afterwards, not only did I have to spend hours yammering at the real estate agent to get this place after disappearing for five days, but I had to get my car out of an impound lot and pay off the damn hotel we disappeared from. Then I had to hunt down Hammond and tell him to call off the investigation, and pay HIM to shut the hell up. THEN, I started my new job, and had to move all of Mikaela's shit out of mom's place and wait for mine to show up from the east coast. It finally got here a few days ago but I'd been living out of my backpack for quite a while and it was getting tedious. I told off the movers pretty badly and the fuckers up charged me.

Oh yeah, and finding out my baby sister was involved in the same fucking war Sam was, getting shot at by missiles and chased and kidnapped by government agents… ugh. I could have choked her when she told me all about meeting Bumblebee and Mission City. How could she…

Despite all the times I've tried to impress on her that life was her choice, she could do what she wanted as long as she thought it though, well, I didn't like that she chose to run into a battle like that. Sure, it was the right thing to do, but she was my baby sister! She'd had enough action in her life without having to dodge bullets and missiles and spazzy little robots with speech impediments. Frankly it scared the crap out of me.

But there was nothing for it now. She was deeply involved with them now, and I'd rather lose my left leg than tell her 'no, you can't play with the giant robots'. It would break her heart, and she'd do it anyway.

Besides, I kind of liked those giant robots.

Speaking of which…

**HOOOOOOOOOOONK! **

_**HONK HONK!**_

"SHADDAP!" I yelled automatically. _Damn those two_.

I hoisted myself off my nice comfy couch and plodded to the 'front door'. Mikaela beat me there, shoving it open with a grin that could outshine the North Star, and shot out to greet her…_our_…friends.

"Mouse!" Said the 'man' standing next to the gleaming silver Pontiac Solstice, holding his arms open for his hug. It'd been a few days since they'd seen each other, with him being on a mission and her still catching up on schoolwork and extra assignments, and they were damn happy to be reunited. I leaned against the doorframe and watched my baby sis jump into Jazz's waiting arms and hug him back. The yellow Camaro and its blonde 'driver' leaned against his own door and watched with a small smile while the passenger door swung open. I waved at Judy as she stepped out.

It took me a while to get used to these guys, I had to admit. Jazz made the transition as smooth as possible though, I had to give him that. I stayed with him and the Autobots for a couple days after the Demolition Derby (as Jazz liked to call it) and got to know him and Bee rather well. Jazz was a pretty funky guy, to say the least. And not only because he liked Tarantino movies and good music, but he had one hell of a life and had no problem spending hours telling stories. Then he'd turn it around and ask me a bunch of questions about all the different earth cultures I'd studied and I'd spend hours talking/teaching and loving every minute of it. Add to that his protective streak with Mikaela and I couldn't help but adore the guy. We at least had _that_ goal in mind if nothing else.

Okay, okay, I'll admit it…not only was he really cool, but goddamn, all three of his forms were HOT.

I nearly checked myself into a psycho ward the night I admitted that to myself. I mean really, what sane woman goes all fluttery-bellied over a fucking alien? Not only an alien, but a big metal one? But hot damn, as a Solstice, Jazz had curves and power and speed. As a mech he had a decent form, grace, and a great smile with big twinkly eyes. And in his holo-form? Hoooooboy. There were no words in the English language to describe that boy. I settled with "Guh". He hadn't chosen just one culture to base his form off of; he chose bits and pieces from all of them. It was like the best lookin' people from countries all around the world got together, had a drunken orgy, and produced Jazz's holoform. That's the only way I could put it, and it got Mikaela laughing every damn time I said it.

I got used to it though, and over the past couple of weeks, learned to shut off the automatic 'jump this man and bonk him til he squeals' instinct after Ratchet made one too many glib comments about hormones as he passed. Now we were just good buddies who flirted a lot. It was fun.

He got me used to the other mechs as well, almost acting as a go-between until I could talk to them without either wanting to hide behind his leg or say something totally ridiculous to cover up. Now I could actually talk to Optimus Prime instead of shrinking into a little ball of 'ohshit' whenever he looked my way.

And it helped that Jazz was the biggest perve this side of Mars.

When he suddenly appeared beside me, grinning that wolfish 'let's go bone' grin of his, I nearly jumped right out of my gorilla slippers.

"What? No love for th' Jazzman?"

I unashamedly looked him up and down (damn he looked good in black), then asked, "Where is it?"

"Where's my lovin'?"

"Gimme."

He made a kissy-face.

"Gimme now."

He sighed, then brought his other hand out from behind his back. "Extra large, two sugars, just how my girl likes it."

My brain shut down. _Cooofffffeeeeee._ I took it reverently from his grasp, slowly and gently peeled the lid off and took a deeeeep whiff. "Ohhhh man, that's good."

"This is cruel and unusual punishment."

I ignored him (sort of), took a sip, savoured the rich flavour and hummed my approval.

An older female voice called out, "Lena, quit teasing the man!"

Feigning reluctant boredom, I put my coffee on the ground and grabbed Jazz up in a big hug. _Damn, they really put details into these holoforms! _I could feel abs though his T-shirt and the faint trace of whiskers on his cheek as he happily wrapped me in his arms and squeezed me back.

"You keep makin' that orgasm face when you get yer fix and…"

"Complete that sentence and I'll forget we have a carwash tomorrow." Mikaela said with a grin. Judy and Bumblebee's holoform stood with her, both looking quite entertained.

"Why'd ya have to ruin the moment? Damn!"

"Get your hand off my ass."

The hand disappeared and Jazz gave me his best angelic face. Didn't work.

"Come on in guys. We still got an hour before I have to kick you out."

Both Jazz and Bee nodded and fizzled out.

"I hate it when they do that." Judy said, looking a bit startled. I escorted her inside and hit the button for the garage doors.

The best thing about this place was the garage area. The whole place was pretty much one large room with some walls here and there to separate rooms, but the garage was part of the main living area, and well ventilated. My car was already in here, and Mikaela's car would be too when we got it (after all that crap, car shopping wasn't on our list of priorities), and occasionally, it also fit a couple of Autobots. The only one who didn't fit was Prime, but he never popped by anyways so it didn't matter much.

The boys rolled in and shut off their engines, but remained in their car-modes, reactivating their holoforms. I didn't mind if they transformed usually, but they were rather big and they'd have to remain crouched. It was a big place, but not THAT big. Usually they just wandered around in their holos while they were here.

"Where's Sam?"

Judy answered for me. "He's not done his History project yet."

Bee nodded and crossed his arms. It was cute, he was just as protective of Sam as Jazz was with Mikaela, but he was also a stern homework nanny. With both him and Judy on his ass all the time, Sam's grades had shot up rather nicely over the past couple of weeks and Ron couldn't be more pleased.

The boys explored the place, noting all the changes, raiding the fridge (as usual… with their newly 'installed' sense of taste) and practically spent the entire time asking why none of the guys were allowed to come to the party tonight. Judy told us she'd had to explain to them repeatedly about 'girls nights' and they still didn't get it. Or at least pretended not to get it. After half an hour of it I tried to boot them out, stating that we had to get prepped for Sarah and get dinner ordered.

And that's when Ironhide and Sarah showed up.

**HOOOOOOOOONK!**

After much grumbling and waving of arms (happily without cannons in holoform), Ironhide and the female posse managed to throw the boys out. They protested, naturally, claiming everything from 'the rain will leave spots' to 'you need protection' all the way to 'don't leave us with the sparkling!'… Sarah left the baby with Will… and Will was hanging at the Autobot base tonight with Sam and Ron. Ironhide grabbed both holoforms by the neck and wrangled them away, bidding us goodnight and reminding Sarah to 'be prepared for retrieval at 11 am sharp.'

And the Girl's Night began.

_Girls Night Plan, part one: Get tipsy_. I gave Mikaela the option of booze or no booze, but she'd chosen booze. I didn't mind. I'd rather her get stupid drunk at home, with me, than out there with a bunch of horny jocks at a house party. She was a smart enough kid to know that.

Judy brought out her bottle of red wine (minus a glass), Sarah grabbed one of her beers out of the fridge, and I had a nice tall glass of Jack Daniels on hand, pouring a bit of vodka for Mikaela. I learned from the last time not to over-booze my sister. Her hangovers were entertaining but the risk to the general area from vomit wasn't worth it.

Somewhere in there everyone changed into their pajamas. Mine and Mikki's were horrid, but wow… Judy's were pink. With monkeys. Sarah was the only one with sensible Pajamas. Outright red and plain, but still fuzzy.

_Part two_: Grilling and Bitch Session, which unfortunately started with a thorough teasing from Judy about getting groped yet again by Jazz.

"What? He's got a strong grip!" I said, and poor Judy snorted her wine.

That all naturally progressed to theorizing about what Optimus Prime's Holoform would look like if Ratchet ever got it working. Most of us agreed that he'd probably have that 'handsome older guy' thing going for him, but we all varied on the general features. I don't know how the hell we got from Prime Theorization to 'which one would be best in bed' talk, but… poor Mikaela… I'd never seen her so red.

"Ironhide. Totally. He'd be the 'up against the wall' type." Sarah argued, grinning. She'd obviously thought about this a lot. Being an army wife, naturally she'd go for the gun toting roughnecks. I had to agree with her though. He'd be a fun one.

Judy interjected, rather shyly, "I don't know…" but then she took a big swig of her wine, smiled, and said conspiratorially, "that Medic… Ratchet. Think about it. Thorough knowledge of the human body."

Mikaela's eyes were round as dinner plates. I could just hear the thoughts in her head. _"Judy! Bad!'_

"Prime would be big on foreplay." That got a lot of giggles.

"Bee? He'd be a fumbley virgin teenager type."

"Well Jazz is a spy… he'd be all 'hunter', then he'd jump ya outta nowhere…"

Mikaela giggled. "Surprise buttsex!"

I swatted her.

I wanted to beat her with a chunk of wood when she brought up Barricade.

"What about Barricade?"

"You mean that policeman?"

I buried my head in my hands. "Please. Please shut up. I will pay you to shut up."

Mikaela triumphantly sipped her vodka. "Not his holoform… did I tell you guys how she got captured in the first place?"

Judy and Sarah leaned forward with rapt attention as Mikaela recounted the story of 'Mustang Molestation', and dissolved into astonished giggles as the truth came out. "You can ram me with this thing anyday" was received with deafening laughter and a victorious sneer from my traitorous sister.

"Just you wait, Mouse. Vengeance will be mine."

"Then the silly bitch actually lay down. On his hood. THEN, she said he had an 'ugly-ass paintjob' and called him a pig."

Sarah's jaw rested somewhere around her kneecaps and poor Judy was curled up into a little ball of giggling mother on the other side of the couch.

"No wonder he was so mad at you!"

"Kill me. Now. Just, shoot me. Call up 'Hide and tell him to warm up the cannons."

"Hey now, if he obliterated you, you'd never touch a fine car-butt again." Mikaela said cheekily.

"I know where you sleep."

Judy uncurled herself and leaned against me. "Oh don't feel bad, honey. I've done worse."

Eyebrows raised all around the room. Judy took another deep pull from her wine bottle and hiccupped. "Mikaela, you have to PROMISE not to tell Sam." She ordered, pointing a drunken finger at my sister.

Mikki nodded silently.

"Well, after Sam came back with that brand new shiny Camaro, me and Ron… well…"

_Oh no_.

"…got a little… frisky… in the back seat."

The room fell into dead silence… for about three seconds. Then:

"You christened Bumblebee?"

"Just how FRISKY did you get?"

"Bahahahahahahahha!"

_Part Three_: Horror movies, and this time, fresh Chinese takeout.

We started out with Poltergeist, as it had a nice slow beginning we could chat and eat through, but the talking disappeared when the psychic lady showed up. Mikaela and I ended up in shivering ball on the floor when the Clown started moving around. _Ugh. Clowns_.

Then Judy brought out her personal favourite… Hellraiser.

"Ron took me to it for our tenth date, when we decided to get married." She gave us a quick sweet version of how 'whirlwind' their relationship was and the marriage after only four months. It was so cute. And finding out a sweet lady like Judy had a thing for Clive Barker movies only made her so much funkier in my eyes. There was more to this woman than… _Don't even think about it._

I still couldn't watch the scene where Frank came up out of the cellar floor, so while that was happening I ran to the kitchen to get Sarah more beer.

I weaved through the darkened kitchen, listening to the girls squeal and cringe, and had to smile to myself. A month ago, if I'd have known that dropping out of school would result in a new friendship with giant alien robots in the middle of a war, or me getting kidnapped, I'd have rethought my decision. But then again, if I hadn't, I'd have missed out on watching horror movies and getting drunk with the mother of a hero, the wife of a Decepticon-fighting army boy, and my kid sister who'd rescued my dumb-ass from possible torture and death.

I couldn't bring myself to regret it.

I lit a smoke, took a deep puff, and sighed. _Worth it. Worth every bit of it._

* * *

_Deception Lake was cold._

_Not as cold as deep space, that oppressive nothingness and Pit-forsaken silence, but cold nonetheless. Frenzy didn't mind though. He had to get this… waste… off him or Barricade wouldn't let him inside. _

_He'd been doing recon around the local human village, and stepped into something quite foul smelling. It wasn't human either. Probably bear. Barricade laughed at him for a good five minutes, then hustled him off to the lake and tossed him in, careful not to get any of the disgusting substance on his claws. Frenzy vowed to get vengeance later, but not until Soundwave was back. With backup._

_He couldn't wait to see his brothers again. It had been far too long._

"_Frenzy! Get your skinny aft out of the lake, we have work to do!"_

_Frenzy glared with all four eyes at his partner. "Y-y-yeah yeah, keep yer b-b-b-bolts on."_

_It had been two weeks since the catastrophe of a Decepticon Plan, and Barricade was almost fully recovered. The scars would eventually fade and he'd get full use of his arm soon. Frenzy couldn't be happier about that. It hurt him so to see his friend in such pain. Soundwave had had to keep him mildly sedated and on painkillers while his wounds healed, and despite how fun it was to have Barricade in a near constant good mood, it would be nice to see his old partner back in true form, grouchiness and all._

_Frenzy lazily backstroked to the shore and hopped out of the lake, shaking like a Terran Canine to get the freezing cold water droplets off his armour. In one of his moments of boredom a few weeks back he'd found a Youtube video of a group of humans called Polar Divers, strange glitched out creatures who would voluntarily leap into lakes of freezing water, sometimes with ice still on the surface, for FUN. He didn't know whether to applaud them for their bravery or put them on his own personal list of 'stupid humans who do stupid things'. If his Cybertronian form shivered with this cold, Frenzy could only imagine how painful it would be to the weakling organics that populated this planet. _

_Barricade finally let him inside and Frenzy gratefully basked in the heat of his interior. He'd really missed him over the past couple of weeks, not being able to cruise around and cause trouble with him. But now that they were all a lot better, feeling like they could get moving again, Frenzy was happy. And with his brothers arriving within the hour, he felt, after thousands of years of uncertainty that for once luck was going to turn in their favour._

* * *

lovebumps to you all.


	2. Chapter 22 aka Carwash

Heh, glad some of you are excited for this fic. Inspires me a little. Thanks for the reviews, really, it shows me what i'm doing right. If it ain't a movie in your head, i'm doing it wrong.

Just to let you know now, a lot of the first few chapters are, well, pointless. LOL. I'm all for plot and all, but there's always that calm before the storm, right? Not everything is sex and explosions. Try to see these chapters as that, and not the pointless cargroping smartassery it is. LOL.

That said, enjoy.

* * *

_I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So... pretty please, with sugar on top... clean the fuckin' car_. Pulp Fiction

(22)

Ironhide arrived promptly at 11 in the morning.

He was greeted with three pairs of very tired, crabby, hung-over eyes. He promptly retreated, saying he'd come back later.

Wise move on his part.

Judy, being a well-trained mother, was the first awake and the first to start cooking. I drifted downstairs to the kitchen about twenty minutes later feeling like re-fried fecal matter, following the heavenly scent of freshly brewed coffee and pancakes… blueberry pancakes. Judy got an armful of grateful headachy Banes before she dropped me on a chair, poured me a cup and set plate stacked high with pancakes in front of me.

"Judy, can you adopt me?"

She grinned over her shoulder, "You'd have to quit smoking."

I considered for a moment, then shook my head. "Nah."

She tsked at me and welcomed Sarah to the kitchen with a steaming cup of coffee.

"Ooohh, I want that..."

The three of us sat around chatting and nursing our hangovers for a while til a dishevelled Mikaela appeared in the doorway, all sunshine and diamonds. She didn't drink much at all last night and was apparently without hangover.

"GOOD MORNING!"

The three of us groaned. Mikki cackled evilly and grabbed her morning coffee as well, plopping down next to me, smiling.

"What're you so happy about?" I grumbled, readjusting the large ugly sunglasses I had perched on my nose. It was much too bright in here.

Mikaela's blue eyes sparkled. "It's carwash day."

The three of us 'oooooh'ed in understanding. She loved washing Bee, and this time Jazz was coming along too. She owed them both a wash, and she had no problem doing it either. I was pretty sure she'd rope me into it too, the bitch. I was counting on it actually.

Judy gestured with a fork full of syrupy pancake. "You should get the others sometime too."

"Man, if anyone needs a thorough scrubbing, it's Ironhide. He's filthy!" Sarah agreed.

That's when said 'Bot arrived and was promptly scared away by the unwavering glares of three hung-over women and one over-excited teen. "Errrr… I'll come back in an hour." He backed off slowly, hands up, blue eyes rounded in dread. Once his hologram disappeared, his giant Topkick form skidded out of my driveway like the devil himself was on his ass.

"I guess angry females are dangerous no matter what planet you're from." Judy quipped, puttering around the kitchen. I kicked her out after she started doing the dishes, stating that in no way do the guests do cleanup. It just wasn't right.

The next time Ironhide showed up the four of us were much more presentable and a lot less sick-feeling, thanks to imbibing much coffee and the settling feeling of good warm food in our bellies. He brought backup this time, in the form of the overly bright Bumblebee, who, as well as his big friend, approached us cautiously.

"Ready to go, Mrs. Witwicky?"

Judy sighed. "Bee, for the last time, call me Judy." She gave Bee's cheek a friendly pat, and then glared over at me and Mikaela with a look that said '_say anything and die an excruciating death'_. I straightened my face out as much as I could and whacked Mikaela's arm when she let a snort out.

Bee looked from Judy to the two of us, shrugged, and opened the passenger door for her.

"What was that all about?"

Ironhide had seen the entire exchange while storing Sarah's things in his cab, and Sarah hiding her face in her hands as she tried not to laugh, so naturally his curiosity was piqued. We ignored him for Judy's sake. Things said at Sister Night/now Girl's Night were confidential. Punishable by head-shaving.

Mikaela and I waved as the two Autobots and their human passengers drove away, finally allowing ourselves to break down laughing. I knew neither of us would be able to see Judy and Bee or Sarah and Ironhide together again without thinking about our 'sex' talk last night.

* * *

I was enjoying a rather comfortable catnap on the living room couch, considering lighting the fireplace just for ambience and that lovely crackling noise, when Mikaela got 'the call'.

"They'll be here soon."

"Time for you to warm up the buckets then, huh?"

"You too, come on, get up!" She yanked the couch cushion currently holding my butt, but it didn't budge. I grinned. She yanked harder, but I didn't move an inch. Panting, she glared at me. "Man you got a big ass."

_A big ass? A BIG ASS? Oh, oh girl, now it's war._

By the time the Autobots arrived the living room was a battle zone of couch cushions, pillows, leftover blankets from last night, and two casualties splayed out in the middle, exhausted, yet still sniping at each other. The boys stood dumbfounded in the doorway at us as we lay with skewed out limbs over piles of cushions and bare hardwood floor, spouting insults.

"You're so fat, when you jump into the ocean, the whales start to sing 'We are family'."

"You're so fat that when you step on a scale, it says 'to be continued'."

SMACK. _Ow… _

"You're so fat it takes a bus, two trains and a cab to get to your good side."

The holoforms of the boys remained as straight-faced as they could, even as they traversed the field of battle and plopped down on the now bare couch.

"You're so fat you got arrested at the airport for possession of ten pounds of crack."

SMACK. "Ow."

"You're so fat that when your pager goes off, people think you're backing up."

As if on cue, my pager beeped.

The living room exploded into howling laughter as I rolled onto my knees and proceeded to pound my sister with the nearest pillow.

Jazz came to her rescue, restraining my arms (rather gently I noticed) while Bee remained a useless mound of holo-matter still giggling on the couch. Mikaela, hair standing up at strange angles and dishevelled as all hell, glared at her friend. "Big help you are."

Bumblebee shrugged and got a face full of couch cushion.

All out war broke out once again as Bee leapt into the fray, Jazz released me as I went to the defence of my sister, and Mikaela took off running.

"Hey! Don't tire her out too much, I still want m' wash!"

That gave Bee pause long enough for me to catch up and drape a blanket over his head. I herded his shrouded form back to the living room with a pillow repeatedly whacking his butt and pushed him down into a chair. "Stay." The form slumped, defeated. Jazz just cackled at him.

It took another 20 minutes to convince my sister to come out of the bathroom, find my pager in the battle zone, call Hammond, and put the furniture back together, with Jazz's help.

Jazz, curious guy that he was, asked about the call.

"Hammond found me another job." I replied shortly, not wanting to go into it.

"Another?" He quirked a black brow at me and I internally cringed. I shouldn't have said anything, now he'd never let me alone about it. He told me many times over the past two weeks that I should be hunting for jobs in my field, and I was, but… they were few and far between, and most of them asked for distance travel. And that meant leaving the country. I told him this repeatedly but he was adamant that I continue in the vein of my education, even if I never did finish my doctorate. He didn't seem to understand that I had bills to pay and a sister to take care of and none of that would happen if I didn't get a job, any job, immediately. If a job came up in my line of study, sure, I'd nab it up, but until then, I had a ridiculously expensive warehouse apartment and food to pay for, plus I wanted to put some money away for Mikaela's education. That meant ANY job that gave me income.

I nodded and kept silent, hoping he'd leave it lie. He seemed to have gotten the hint, but didn't look too happy about it. I had to wonder why he gave a shit, but didn't ask.

Mikaela and Bee reappeared carrying two buckets each full of steaming water and the conversation was officially over.

"There's two more in the kitchen." Mikaela said as she hobbled out the front door, Bumblebee practically skipping behind her with a great big anticipatory grin on his projected face. I nodded and got up off the floor, tossing the last of the pillows back into place and headed off to the kitchen, ignoring the blue gaze burning into my back as I went. _Goddamn over-curious Autobots._

I don't know why it bothered me so much, why I had to keep what I did quiet around them. I wasn't doing anything illegal, or even immoral. Hell, I was just working, but… well, I didn't want them or Mikaela, _especially_ Mikaela, to know what my decision to come back here entailed. Debts, jobs, bills, all that. She didn't need to know. All her life she'd had to hear our parents argue about bills and food, then she had to watch as the family fell apart and couldn't do a thing about it, she was just too young. When I found out that Dad took her out with him sometimes to 'borrow' cars, I nearly flew back here and strangled him. I could have throttled mom too, actually. _Never fucking home to take care of her little girl, drunk outta her tree most of the time_… hell, Dad really had no choice.

She didn't need to worry about this kind of thing anymore. The kid had to grow up way too goddamn fast, and now that I was back, I'd work til I dropped so she could enjoy what was left of her teenage years without having to think about where her next meal would come from. The only thing I wanted her to worry about was her marks in school and if Sam thought her ass was too big.

_Oh, piss on it. Enjoy your Sunday, woman. _

With a shake I dispersed those thoughts and lifted the buckets off the floor, only to come an inch away from slamming into Jazz.

"Need some help?" He asked with a goofy smile.

I grinned at my brain's automatic plunge into the gutter as I looked him over. _Definitely enjoy your Sunday. Rawr! _If anything could distract me from depressing thoughts of overtime and power bills, it was this hot slab of projected man-meat in front of me and his real form of curvy gleaming metal parked just outside.

"And just what did you want to help me with?" I said in my best 'Barbie' voice. He smirked and I put my buckets down. I loved this game. For an alien he had quite the grasp on human perversity and innuendo, but I prided myself on my own expertise, and so nearly daily we struggled to see who would come out on top.

_Come out… on top… _

_Heh. _

We couldn't even get started before a wolf-whistle sounded from the doorway. Bumblebee leaned casually against the frame with his arms crossed while Mikaela looked absolutely steamed. "You two sound like bad 70's porn dialogue."

I quirked a brow at my sister. "Oh, really? Since when do you watch porn?"

That shut her up.

Didn't shut Bee up though. With his still rough voice he said, "Whenever you two are finished, I'd like my bath."

"Give us ten minutes." Jazz purred, giving me a look that would have had lesser women flat on their backs in seconds.

I swatted Jazz with a playful "Only ten?" and pushed the two bots out of the kitchen. "Out. We'll be there in a minute."

The holoforms crackled out of existence and the happy revs of two powerful engines roared outside. Mikaela and I grinned at each other, and, taking one bucket each, headed out.

"Let's shampoo us some aliens!"

* * *

Actually, it was Mikaela's job to 'shampoo her some aliens', but after very little coaxing in the form of a happily purring sun-lit yellow Camaro, I gave up and joined in. Honestly, the lure of all that curvaceous metal just begging to be touched and scrubbed to a luminous shine… no contest. Bee obviously loved the attention, occasionally rocking a little on his shocks as a sponge or rag passed over a sensitive bit of armour or the creases between one component and another, so who was I to deny him that?

Now, I loved cars. Loved 'em. My Beast was my darling, a highly polished, intricately tricked out and powerful '73 Chevy Nova SS. I spent more money fixing that baby up than on rent for a year, taking it from a piece of busted scrap from a junk yard and slowly refurbishing it until it was nearly prize-worthy. I adored that car…

But when it came to the Autobots? _Well…_

After ten minutes of scrubbing the sweet little Bumblebee, I knew the Beast would be takin' a back seat for a while in my 'things I love to fondle' list. Nothing quite like giving the equivalent of a full body deep tissue massage to a sentient car.

Mikaela and I exchanged many glances as the quivering 'Bot steadily got cleaner and more… staticy. It was strange, but once in a while both of us would get tiny little shocks that made our hair stand up just a little (it kept happening until Mikki got the brilliant idea of hosing me down, and the Bride of Frankenstein hairstyle fell permanently)… what really got us both was when he let out this very sweet, deep mechanical sounding moan, blended with a contented growl from under the hood…

…and that's when we realized the 'Bot was gettin' off on it. At least a little.

After that we, without saying a thing to each other, sought out every crease, small nook and touch-sensitive bit of armour on Bumblebee and tackled it with warm soapy water and just enough pressure to make him wriggle. With wicked grins we pressed our relatively small yet strong fingers into tiny crevices and underneath the armour, finding even more small sensitive things that made our victim whine.

This was almost better than sex.

Jazz, naturally, bitched the entire time we worked on Bumblebee.

"Why d' _you _get all th' attention?"

"Because I'm bigger than you," was Bee's smug reply, "And we both know size matters to earth femmes."

Mikaela dropped her sponge, and the resulting splash completely soaked her front. The sudden playing of _"Wet T-shirt Nite"_ from Bumblebee got him a smack on his rear end. He switched over to _"Closer"_ by Nine Inch Nails and I had to threaten him with a ketchup bath if he played the chorus before he stopped.

"Now Bee, you should know by now that it ain't the size that matters… it's the motion of the ocean…" I accentuated the lesson with half a bucket of luke-warm water over his hood, eliciting a gratified shudder from the alien Camaro.

"Come on, he don't need both o' ya ta wash 'im!"

"Yes I do," came Bumblebee's quick reply. Mikaela smirked and dumped another bucket of clean water over him, then began to dry. "_Mmmmmm_."

"Oh, shut up."

We dried Bumblebee quickly, as Jazz would not stop making cute little whining noises and bouncing just a little on his shocks every time we moved away from a clean dry spot. By the time we'd reached his rear end Bee was positively crackling with energy and trembling beneath our soft rags. Finally the two of us stood back and surveyed the job.

Bee'd never looked this good. All that yellow 'armour', black stripes and all, utterly shone. He was sunk so low on his tires his chassis nearly brushed the cement below and his engine rumbled quietly in absolute contentment.

"You okay, Bee?" I grinned, chucking the dirty water and wringing out the sponges.

He had just enough energy to make the radio blast static for two seconds before it shut off.

Mikaela giggled. "I take that as a yes."

"Mmmhmmm."

Tired, but with enough energy to tackle the new job, we turned our eyes on the now giddy with anticipation liquid-silver Solstice parked in front of us.

"My turn now?"

I ran a hand up his side and back across his rear spoiler. "Yup. We just need some more water first."

He revved his engine again and inched backwards, pushing me just the slightest bit off balance. "Well, get movin'!"

Giving him a warning swat, I said glibly, "Demands will only make me move slower."

Mikaela might have had the 'kicked puppy' look down pat, but Jazz had the 'kicked puppy' _whine_ honed to an art. It made me feel cruel every single second I was outside NOT getting water. So I escaped inside with my sister in tow to get the poor neglected 'Bot some fresh water and soap.

"You are the epitome of 'sucker', sis." Mikaela teased, filling the third bucket to the brim.

"Fuck off."

By the time we'd gotten all six buckets of water outside Jazz was extremely antsy and shaking on his tires.

"Something the matter, hun?" I grinned.

"Teases. Th' both o' ya!"

"Oh, well if that's how you feel about us, we'll just…" Mikaela bent and picked up a bucket and turned as if to go back inside.

"NO! No, sorry, you ain't teases…just…"

Bee, happily soaking up the late afternoon sun, finally found the strength to say something in defence of his friend. "Aww, come on you two, give the poor mech a break."

Jazz let out The Whine again and I suddenly felt like the most horrible evil woman in the world. _Goddamn it. Stupid sexy little car with his stupid cute little bleaty sounds…_

Just to shut him up I dumped the first bucket of water directly on his roof and let it trickle down, only to get a rich moan from the Solstice… _man, if he makes sounds like that any longer I'll … do… stuff…_

…_coherency, begone_!

"Quit that." _If Mikaela ever found out I'm getting' a lil' turned on from washing a car she'd never let me live it down._

"Mmmm." He purred.

_Does he have to make those noises? Goddamn it._ I threw another bucket on him and started to wipe him down. He really wasn't all that dirty but I almost felt obligated to give him both hands and a lot of pressure, and he loved it if the racket I got from him were any indication. It was like I was a masseuse and he was the very relaxed, relieved, and anxious-for-more male customer. With a hard-on.

His roof, sides and hood got a thorough rub down by the both of us, but it was when I got to his 'nose' that he _really_ started to get vocal. He'd grunt, groan, and even said "Oh baby, juuuust like that," until I had to drop my sponge and laugh til it hurt. I got on my knees and soaked him with soapy bubbles, paying particular attention to the headlights and putting gentle pressure on the grill as I finger-cleaned the holes. He actually giggled when I did that.

"That tickles!"

I tried to hold back a smile but I couldn't. He sounded so _happy_.

"You're such a sparkling, Jazz."

"…Suck slag, Bumbles… guuuuuh! Oh man, do that again!"

Feeling just a little naughty, _who're you tryin' to kid, girl, you're lovin' this as much as he is, _I moulded my hands to his front fender and squeezed/rubbed to get the desert dust loosened further til it crumbled in my fingers. Jazz let out another porno-worthy moan and I blushed brighter than a virgin teenager. I knew he was sort of faking it, the moans, but it was still, well, _dirty_.

"I'm gonna start calling you Ron Jeremy."

Suddenly the most horrible typical 70's disco porn music came floating out of Bumblebee's open windows and we both dropped our sponges.

"BEE!"

The yellow Autobot rocked on his tires. I shook my head, "I don't even want to know why or how you know who Ron Jeremy is." _Definitely males… not even from this planet and they know the roster of famous porn stars…_

I moved from his front down the sides, wanting to get the road-grit off his gorgeous 18 inch wheels and the Solstice quivered. "Errrr, Malena…"

"What?"

He hesitated. "Oh nothing."

"Uh huh."

"You look good wet." He said in a feeble attempt to distract me.

"Shush you." To get my point across I reached in and rubbed up underneath the front wheel well with the sponge, teasing him to the point of outright sparks crackling around his undercarriage. Now _that_ was different…

"I…um… think there's… some dirt… yeah… deeper in there…"

"Nice try."

"But…"

I got back to the well and finished it off, much to Jazz's obvious pleasure. I moved to his back right wheel well and his moans changed pitch yet again. I knew from seeing him transformed that these tires settled somewhere near his feet and had to giggle. By the time I was finished with it he was literally shaking on his tires. _I know some dudes have weird happy-spots but I never thought his would be the feet and shoulders…_

"Lena, what the hell are you doing to him?" Mikaela asked, leaning over him and wiping at his rear window.

"How do I know it ain't you?" I retorted.

Bee's radio staticked for a moment, but his voice came through, "I think you guys triggered his sensor net."

"Huh?"

"I thought it was always going?" Mikaela looked over at the Camaro questioningly.

"It is, but…"

_Ahhhh! Revelation! _I smirked. "I touched his no-no parts, didn't I?"

"More or less. Now anything you girls did to me will be twice as…" He trailed off when Jazz growled at him.

Mikaela and I shared an obnoxious look over his roof again. "Oh really now?"

"How interesting."

"Shall we test this sensitivity, sis?"

Jazz burst out with some strange panicked sounds, probably their language, and Bee replied with what I could only interpret as the robot version of evil laughter.

Mercilessly and methodically, Mikaela and I continued our very thorough, bubbly rubdown, and this time Jazz kept quite stiff, only occasionally betraying himself with escaped whimpers and bursts of static that felt strangely good on my fingers. I found every dip and curve in his armour and focussed attention on those, feeling along them with a soft wet cloth in long solid strokes, which was followed with a splash of clean water and Mikaela's equally soft drying cloth. Judging from the sounds coming from our prey, Jazz loved it, though he was making quite the effort to silence himself. I had the visual of him in mech mode, holding his hands over his mouth and whacking his head against something to keep quiet.

_This is way more fun than it should be._

It didn't take us long to have the silver Autobot trembling under our touch, and we finished the rest of him faster than either of us anticipated. Probably good for Jazz though, the poor 'Bot looked about ready to burst.

Humming, I trailed my hand up his side and stopped near his spoiler, drumming my fingers on the tiny seam where it attached to the rest of him, smiling a little. His car-butt was pretty sweet, well proportioned and had just enough curve to fit in my hands comfortably. It was strange though, I'd 'molested' cars quite a few times over the years but until I accidentally groped Barricade, I'd never really put thought into it. Now that I stood here knowing damn well this particular car could feel every single thing I did to it, it felt… a little pervy. Well, more pervy than usual.

Mikaela copied my position on the other side, grinning from ear to ear. She gave me a look that said '_I can't believe we're doing this,_ to which I replied with a shrug that implied, _Meh, why the hell not?_

I wet both clothes, grinned, and got a solid grip on a particularly tasty looking curve. Jazz's engine roared. "Mmmmm, you know, I think I like his butt better than Barricade's."

Mikaela snorted and did the same, and the engine roar went up another notch. For such a little guy he had one hell of a loud engine! "You know what? I think you're right."

"You two are terrible." Bumblebee said between his own snorts of laughter. We ignored him in favour of a meticulous assault on every inch of liquid silver armour with soap, water, and a nice drying cloth.

"Get his exhaust pipes!" Bee suggested.

Jazz immediately protested. "NO!"

"Ooooh!" We both looked down to the twin pipes and grinned.

_If this isn't phallic I don't know what is,_ I thought as I considered the dirty chrome. It was such a sin to have such gorgeous metal sullied with grime though, so I dipped a sponge into my bucket and proceeded to give that pipe a thorough hand-job.

"If Sam ever found out about this I'd be in such deep shit." Mikaela was redder than a tomato and heroically quelling her embarrassed giggles as she did the same to Jazz's other pipe.

"Why? We're just…washing him." I winked.

"Ss…stop… please…"

I slowed my cleansing, got off my butt and pressed up against the armour in front of me. "You really want us to stop?" With my thumb I rubbed at a particularly stubborn greasy spot and Jazz whimpered.

"Yeah….no… maybe?"

"Do not listen to him. It would be cruel to stop now."

Mikaela dropped her sponge back into her bucket. "Oh man, this is so _wrong_." She laughed and rinsed her pipe off with warm water. I did the same after getting that grease spot off, pretending to ignore the helpless mewling sounds from Jazz, grinning from ear to ear.

Mikaela finished before I did, giving Jazz one final swipe with a soft cloth before getting up and walking quickly away, blushing like mad. _Prude. _Jazz heaved a sigh of relief but it quickly turned into a yelp when I squeezed the pipe.

"Lena…ya keep doin' that an' I won't be responsible for what happens." His normally smooth voice was strained, like he was trying very hard to hold something back.

"What, this?" I twisted my wrist and pulled a little. "Consider this revenge for grabbing my ass yesterday." With a sly grin, I gave his butt a little smack, and that's when he totally lost it.

In seconds I was firmly attached to Jazz's fender, a strange pulling at my belt buckle yanking me clear off the ground and against him, the hand I used to smack him also attached by the stainless steel ring on my middle finger.

"..the hell?"

An electric shock from somewhere beneath him passed through the pipe and up my other arm, temporarily numbing my fingers and making the rest of my body positively _burn_. And not in the Stop, Drop and Roll kind of way either. More in the 'if his hologram was here I'd do things to it that would traumatize my sister for years' way. Lucky I was on my knees already or they'd have gone out from under me. I couldn't tell whose moan was louder, mine or Jazz's… but _oooooh man_, the tingles…

I don't know when he dropped me or when Mikaela appeared next to me but when I finally noticed her, she had a mix of both amusement and worry on her face. _Why am I flat on my back?_

"What the hell just happened? Are you okay?"

My vision took a moment to clear and I smiled goofily up at my sister. "I'm all tingly."

Bee cackled from somewhere to the left but I couldn't turn my head to look.

Mikaela huffed and turned her fury on Jazz. "YOU! What'd you do to my sister?!"

Jazz purred and mumbled something incoherent.

Mikaela squeaked. "Did you just… botgasm?"

Bee was laughing so hard he was literally wheezing. "You could say that."

Laying there on the wet cement I had the sudden craving for a cigarette. _I'm so doing this again._

* * *

see what I mean? Pointless. But oh so worth it. mmm… carwash…

**song creds**: Wet Tshirt Nite by Frank Zappa and Closer by Nine Inch Nails.


	3. Chapter 23 aka the Massage

Disclaimer/warning: I own Malena, I don't own anything else. And She swears alot and thinks dirty thoughts, so if you have the emotional maturity of a five year old, don't read this. :P

bow chicka bowwow!

i'm thinking of switching this to M rating, cause, well, Malena has a bad bad mouth and things only get worse from here. LOL.

* * *

_Now look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so fucking cool about them_. - Pulp Fiction

(23)

_Stop it._ I gave myself a firm mental bitch-slapping. _You're being weird. And perverted. AND you're breaking stuff._

I dropped the breakfast plates twice while doing dishes, and broke a coffee mug… then nearly walked into a wall… all because of that goddamn dream I'd had last night. I'd be totally focussed on doing the dishes, scrubbing at the dried on egg and ketchup as if my life depended on it, then POOF, my mind would just…wander.

It was getting annoying and expensive. And I couldn't afford more dinnerware yet.

Mikaela had noticed of course, and throughout the early morning kept giving me looks like I'd grown a second head and a third boob, but with this irritatingly _knowing_ smile always just touching her features. And every time she did it I'd reply with a look of my own. _Open your mouth and I'll shove my boot in it._

She was the one that woke me up in the first place, shaking me out of my extremely pleasant night-time world with a look of mild panic, saying she heard me screaming.

Thinking about her wild-eyed sisterly worry over…that… it made me snort my coffee. Mikaela cast another '_you're fucked in the head'_ look my way.

She'd tried to pry the info out of me, what that 'nightmare' was about, but there was no way in hell I was telling her about it. I'd rather have my nipples burnt off by habanero sauce than reveal what my brain decided to show me last night.

No…that was mine, and I would keep it safely under lock and key with an X rating on it, and planned on burying it somewhere in the Utah Salt Flats.

So I spouted a bunch of bullshit. "Monsters. Big ones."

"Right."

"Yeah, chasin' me down alleyways, eating everyone, it was terrible."

"Sure."

"There were spiders too."

"You're not the only one in this family with a bullshit detector you know."

Shit. _You'd think you'd be a better liar, kiddo…_

After the two Autobots left yesterday (which took a lot longer than they'd thought, recovery time and all), Mikaela started laughing and didn't stop for a solid two hours. She giggled through dinner, she chuckled through dishes, finally she stopped when I threatened to rat her out to Bee. Of course she vehemently denied her little crush on the yellow 'Bot (it was so damned obvious though), but she stopped laughing so that was enough for me.

"Lena, we're gonna be late!"

_Oh fuck._

The engine of The Beast roared to life and we shot out of our home and down the street, tracking down the nearest coffee-shop for a drive-thru fix, then I dropped Mikaela off at her school just in time for her to have a few minutes with Bee and Sam before classes started. Before I could pull away my pager went off. It was text-message capable and by now I was getting used to getting strange messages from Bee, but I choked on my dark roast when I read what his latest message said.

"_**Jazz says 'same time next week?**_**' ;)"**

I nearly gave myself whiplash in my attempt to glare at Bumblebee. His holo sat happily in the driver's seat grinning like a maniac. I made a gesture as if I was going to chuck my coffee at him and I saw his holo laugh. _Cheeky little shit._

Determined to enjoy my last day of freedom, I tore away from the school and to my meeting with Hammond, wanting to get it the hell out of the way so I could go home.

By the time I'd arrived I'd talked myself down enough for my blush to go away and last night's images to disappear. The blonde man leaning against his shitty blue pickup gave my Beast an appreciative look before frowning at me.

"Took you long enough, Banes."

"Had to drop off my sister at school." I slammed the door of my car and glared at him.

"Yeah, right."

"What?"

He gave me a once over. "Your eyes are sparkly."

_Waitaminute…_"They are not!"

"You got laid last night, didn't you." It was not a question.

I huffed. "No. Now you gonna show me the job or what?"

Hammond chuckled and led me inside. "Poor bastard."

* * *

_A waitress? _I rested my forehead on the steering wheel for a moment before wrenching the door open and getting out. _Ugh. I hate waitressing… but… put up with it. The tip money in a place like that would be substantial…enough maybe to quit the other job eventually._ _It's only for a year. _I dropped my purse on the floor and flopped on the couch, feeling the pound of an oncoming migraine. _Hey, look at it this way Banes, you might get promoted or something. Bouncing would be fun. You'd at least get some action once in a while._

Luckily that job didn't start for another week, so I had time to relax a little. The other one started tomorrow morning, bright and early, in some pre-baking warehouse. _Gods, why did I say to get me a legit job? Ugh._

I dozed off for about half an hour before the headache really got bad, so I popped myself full of painkillers and did some yoga to help relieve the pressure. Naturally I couldn't do much of anything without music so I blasted some classic Koko Taylor to sing along to.

Unfortunately I was in a rather compromising position and singing '_Tease Your Man'_ when a faint cough came to my ears.

"If I knew you were that flexible I'da jumped ya weeks ago."

I quickly disentangled myself and fell splat on the floor. "Sonofabitch!"

"Yer balance sucks, though."

_That's cuz you scared the shit outta me you bastard! _"I'd like to see _you_ try that."

Jazz grinned, showing off perfect white teeth, eyes practically glowing with the challenge. "Move over."

Five minutes later, Jazz had perfected moves I didn't think were possible without years and years of training, all done with a shit-eating grin that made me want to boot him.

"That's cheating."

He just smirked, so I pushed him over. "Ow! Yer fuckin' with my chi, woman!"

I shook my head and laughed when it switched to '_The Man Next Door'_. Just having Jazz sprawled on my living room floor was a mood-lifter, but the headache hadn't subsided enough for me to completely enjoy the situation.

He must have noticed me wince or something because he instantly unfolded himself in a liquid move that reminded me a little of his regular transformations, was on his feet and at my side in mere seconds.

"What's up?" He'd bent at the knees and lifted my chin so I was looking directly into his eyes.

"Just a headache babe, don't worry about it." I shrugged him off. Last thing I needed was someone babying me.

"Uh uh, none o' that." Grasping my arm lightly he pulled me to the couch and sat on it, then pointed to the floor. "Sit."

"I ain't a dog." I quirked a brow at him, totally intending to fight back but he had this 'don't even bother' look on his face… how could I logically fight a dude who was a few thousand years (at least) older than me? So I saved myself the trouble and sat on the floor between his feet, facing away from him.

"I know ya aren't." I could hear the little reprimand in his voice. Then it brightened. "If ya were, I'd name ya Sparkles."

I whacked his foot. "Dink."

"Quit yer wigglin'."

I felt his fingers in my hair and stopped moving. He gathered hands full of it and pulled it behind, tilting my head up just a little.

"Close your eyes."

I did, and just shutting them blocked out the light and dulled the throbbing, and the ache was eased even more when Jazz's thick fingers delivered the best scalp massage I'd ever received. Starting around and above my ears, rubbing in small circles, and moving to my temples, then around the base of my skull and down the back of my neck, his strong hands and nimble fingers stroked and kneaded the pain right out. By the time he finished my neck I was a slowly melting pile of warm human goo.

"Man, if you ever get bored doin' the soldier thing you could totally make a livin' as a masseuse."

"Girl I ain't even started yet." He laughed, once again moving my hair out of the way and attacking my shoulders. "Well no wonder yer head hurts! Yer so tense!"

"Comes with the territory."

"Hmmm."

He was quite good, kneading the muscles til it felt like they'd plop right off, working out the knots, rubbing down my spine as far as he could go, and reducing me to a humming mass. "Oooh, so here's one of the four…"

His fingers traced the lines of my spinal tattoos, and then massaged the areas around them, asking about the little symbols meanings. After spending a moment trying to get my brain to work again, _hooboy does he have good hands_, I told him a little about each one, and about my short time in Ghana. By the time I was finished he'd gone as far down as he could go without clothing removal… which of course he had to push for.

"No."

"Can't massage what I can't see…"

"You just want me topless."

"That's just a bonus."

I smirked. "No. But thank you anyways. I feel like I could fall asleep right here and now." I leaned my head back and looked up at him, smiling. _Man he's even hot upside down. Aaaand I have my head between his legs. Heh. This is the most action I've gotten in months._

"Why don't you then?" He swung his leg around me and got up, then helped me off the floor and onto the couch.

A niggling suspicion hit me as he propped my head up with pillows. "You're limberin' me up for something, aren't you?"

"What makes you say that?" He cast me a wicked grin and I laughed.

"Not that, you perve."

"Heh heh heh."

I let the rest of my body relax into the soft cushions. "Well you didn't come over here just to give me a massage…" I watched him move to the stereo and start flipping through CDs. "So… out with it."

"Alright, alright. Oooh, can I play this one?" He held up a collection of Ella Fitzgerald and I nodded. _Boy's got taste._

He put the CD in and made himself comfortable on the couch, just lifting my legs and plopping them on his lap like it was nothin'. I would have been offended at his audacity but when he suddenly started massaging my calves I couldn't find the willpower. _Damn it._

"This must be big…"

"Naw, not really. Anyway, can't a guy reciprocate a favour?"

"Hah, whatever…" I made to kick him but he grabbed my foot and gave it a rubdown too. "Mmmm."

As he pressed his thumbs along the arch of my foot, he finally came out with it. "So… can I move in here?"

My brain fizzled. "…huh?" _That was unexpected._

Before I could get up he pushed me gently back down and nabbed up my other foot. When I relaxed again he began listing off reasons. "Well, Bumblebee lives with Sam, Ironhide practically lives over with Will, there's some new guys arrivin' soon, an' they'll need the room at the base…"

"New guys?" _More Autobots?_

"Yeah, two of em. Sometime next week if Ratchet got it down right. Anyway, it's kinda hard for me t' be Mikaela's guardian if I'm stuck out at base all th' time… and I asked her already an' she said it'd be alright, but only if you said so… so?"

I didn't need a whole lot of convincing, so I shrugged. "Makes sense. You practically live here already anyway…"

"Yeah?" Jazz's eyes sparkled.

I gave him a smart-ass grin and continued, "'Cept this way I get a live-in masseuse!"

"Only if you let me park inside at night."

I pretended to think it over, though there was no question at all of my answer. "Deal."

Jazz practically glowed as he threw my legs off his lap, lifted me right off the couch by the waist and hugged me. I smiled into his neck.

"Get yer hand off my ass."

"Damn."

I moved my hand.

Jazz laughed. "Get yer shit, I'm takin' you out for coffee." He playfully spun me around and pushed me off, then fizzled out.

As I grabbed my purse and some extra cash from my bedroom, it finally caught up with me. I was going to have an Autobot living in my house…warehouse…whatever. This was most definitely going to have consequences later on…. But for some dumb-ass reason, I couldn't find it within myself to give a shit about it right now. Honestly, the benefits would outweigh anything else. Mikaela would have someone around when I wasn't home, she'd have a ride to school on those mornings when I'd have to work early, and there'd be a major sense of security having a dude with cannons around. This wasn't the safest of neighbourhoods, after all.

And I had to admit it, the anthropologist in me was curious about the Cybertronian culture and if anyone could teach me about it, it'd be Jazz. That, and my greedy self wouldn't mind having that shiny Solstice or his very hunky hologram to talk to and stare at… I grinned as I checked my hair really quick, caught myself acting like a high school girl, and walked out.

As soon as I stepped outside I was confronted with the one and only problem I had with the Autobots so far. An open driver's door.

"Get on in here, girl." He waggled his side mirrors at me.

I'd been inside them before, but both times I was either fighting to be free, or unconscious. Those times couldn't be helped. This time could be. It was… weird. To crawl inside and sit in a PERSON…no.

"I can't just sit inside you like that."

"What? Why not?" Jazz sounded genuinely confused. This was normal to him, I supposed, with Mikaela and all, but…

"I'd feel like a parasite. I can only imagine how fuckin' weird it feels to have some living being crawling around your innards…" I shuddered. "I'd feel like a tapeworm."

Jazz's hologram fizzled into life right behind me, laughing his gorgeous head off. "You ain't a tapeworm, babe." He said as he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, pulling me close. I had to smile at the sensation.

"Okay, I'm not a parasite… but there's also the 'Venus Flytrap' theory."

I watched his eyes dim momentarily to a lighter blue, which I learned from the past couple weeks was the hologram's way of showing a 'net search'. Then he just laughed harder. "Woman, I'm not gonna eat ya!"

"Call it human paranoia, can't help it."

"And you should know by now I don't bite… unless asked." He replied, grabbing my wrist and pulling my giggling and non-resisting body over to his Solstice form before once again fizzling out of existence. The next time I heard his voice it was streaming from his ass-kickin' stereo speakers. "Come on in, beautiful, and I'll let you play with my gearstick."

"Oh, well when you say it like that…"

I cautiously settled inside and my seat automatically adjusted to fit me perfectly, and the seatbelt slinked its way around me and buckled me in. "This is so weird." I laughed.

"Yeah, but you look good strapped down." Came that smooth voice from the speakers again, right before the whisky-voice of Koko Taylor turned on.

_Just what the hell have I gotten myself into? Goddamn flirty SOB. _"Oh, shut up and drive."

* * *

_Frenzy was already sick of his brothers. He'd already had to get Ravage out of a tree (the cougar shaped mech got tangled in the growth), hunt down his twin only to find him at the bottom of the same frozen lake he'd bathed in a couple of solar cycles ago, and Laserbeak, the slagging flyer, had decided to make up for the several hundred years they'd been apart by teasing him endlessly about, well, everything. _

_Frenzy found himself hiding inside Barricade whenever feasible just to keep his sanity. His creator was none too happy about his idea of refuge, but Frenzy couldn't help it. Barricade's interior, though not the same enclosed shelter of Soundwave's chest, still made Frenzy feel safe, comfortable. His brothers could not torment him here._

"_What was it this time?" Barricade grumped, closing the door softly behind the little hacker. Frenzy gripped his partners' steering wheel in all four hands and growled._

"_Rumble making fun of my ssssspeech imp-p-p-pediment again."_

_Barricade's engine roared. "Rumble should not talk. He has…what do the human's call it?"_

_Frenzy thought a moment, then chirped at finding the correct term. "Tourettes?" _

_The Mustang rumbled. "Yes. He curses too much and starts fights he cannot finish. So do not listen to his slag."_

_Frenzy nodded and fiddled with Barricade's stereo equipment. He'd found a local radio station he didn't mind so much, the only one that didn't play country music or inane human political babble, switched it on and sat back in Barricade's unexpectedly soft seats and shut his optics. "Cadecade?"_

_The black and white humphed at the nickname but acknowledged. _

"_D-d-do you miss Cybertron?"_

_Barricade hesitated for a moment before answering in a somewhat saddened voice. "I try not to think about it."_

_Frenzy patted the seat underneath him and chirped. "Yyyou know what I missss?"_

"_Hmmm?"_

"_Femmes."_

_Barricade snorted. "Of course you do."_

_Frenzy sighed, remembering the days he would spend with some of the larger femmes, crawling along their frames, tickling wires and circuitry mechs like Barricade could never reach without a set of tools. For such a little mech he had quite the following. This was before the war really got going, when he split his time between doing planetary reconnaissance work for Soundwave and messing around with Cybertron's security networks. After long shifts he'd nearly always find a femme to escort him to one of his city's many high-grade clubs and have a grand ol' time._

_Rumble hated it. There'd been a competition going for a while on who of the two mechs would get the higher score of femmes, but Rumble's horrible language and violent tendencies drove the femmes away, even though he had the better 'hands'…_

_Frenzy had to grin. Speech impediment or no, he was still the ladies mech of the two. _

'Frenzy: Report_.'_

_His creator's voice might have been monotone, but the bond between him and his creation was strong enough to let Frenzy know that Soundwave was…displeased._

'Chillin' out in Barricade monitoring…uhhh… human weather reports.' _He replied mentally, sending calming waves of innocence through the bond._

"_Soundwave?" Barricade asked._

"_Oh yeah. He's p-p-p-pissed."_

'_Cade rumbled laughter. "What'd you do this time?"_

_Frenzy put on his best guiltless face, but Soundwave's link to him shook with enough ire to regain his attention. Sudden flashing images of Rumble dangling upside down from one of the many green conifers like a twisted Christmas decoration assaulted his vision, and Frenzy cackled loud enough to scare the local wildlife from their hideouts._

'Return immediately.'

_Frenzy gripped Barricade's seats, knowing that if he went out there…well, Soundwave was a force to be reckoned with._

"_I do not want to know…" Barricade said, resigned. "Get out before Soundwave dismantles me for protecting you."_

"_Noooo!"_

"_Out."_

"_He d-deserved it."_

"_Undoubtedly, but I will not suffer the consequences of your actions."_

"_B-b-but…"_

_Barricade forcibly ejected him from his interior and sped off. "Tell Soundwave I've gone to that town again for fuel."_

"_Traitor!"_

* * *

The 'Chi' line was quite blatantly stolen from Swordfish, and you can tell I adore Koko Taylor… give her stuff a listen, find her Deluxe Edition albumy thing. She's dirty and she's got a whisky voice. Nuff said.

And I want a jazz massage now…


	4. Chapter 24

- quickedited for local dialect goofup, thanks leggy -

A slow chapter, but when I wrote it, I couldn't get the imagery of them all just chillin' out of my head, with a soundtrack of some blues and that crackle of a fire...

so..Knuckledragging filler chapter commencing…. NOW

Oh, and I still don't own shit but Malena. Everything else is property of whoever made it. LOL.

* * *

_It could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth._ – Pulp Fiction

(24)

If there was one thing I loved about having Jazz around, it was watching him interact with Mikaela.

"_Game over man, game over!"_

"Aliens."

"Damn!"

Sometimes she'd forego doing her homework in the comfortable living room or her own bedroom, instead curling up in Jazz's front seat or, transformed, on his lap to work, and get help if something didn't quite make sense. Jazz was always good for that. He'd never give her the answer to her question, but he'd talk a little, lead her up the path to her own answers, which, in the end, were almost always right.

"Come on, that was way too easy."

Then there was his protectiveness of her, which was yet another point that we agreed on. Mikaela was a grown girl, she'd seen her share of shit and could probably handle anything thrown her way… but, she was my baby sister still, and if I could block some of that shit, I was going to. Jazz agreed with me. There was Protective, and there was OVERprotective. He'd not allow her to be harmed if he could help it, but he wasn't about to go gun down the boys who gave her a hard time at school. (That was _my_ job. Ha!) He kept an eye on her but didn't intrude if it wasn't needed. He left her and Sam alone when they were together, and he made sure things were goin' smoothly in the mornings. I appreciated it quite a lot, especially now that I was working early mornings and couldn't take her to school.

"Oh, you want hard then?"

"Jazz, no 'hard' talk around minors."

"LENA!"

Then there were the few times in the past couple days he'd cross that line of over-protectiveness, and it would inevitably piss Mikaela off. But, smooth-talker he was, Jazz would easily make Mikaela laugh, say something a little dirty, or sort of look cute and she'd be putty in his hands. It would be funny to watch if I didn't know damn well it worked on me too.

"_I'll lube my own crankshaft from now on."_

"Jazz!" I dropped my book onto my chest.

"Umm… shit, I don't know this one."

A mechanical chuckle. "What about you, Lena? Y' gotta know it."

I lifted my head off the couch and peered at the Solstice and the girl crashed out on the hood. "Bubba Ho-Tep. Now quit talkin' lubrication around my kid sister."

"I can take lube talk, Malena." She deadpanned, flipping a page in her Chem textbook.

Every once in a while I'd cross that line myself, forgetting for a moment what she'd seen and been through, that she was nearly out of high school and was probably shagging Sam (and maybe Bee, Jazz wouldn't tell me) in her off time. That's when Jazz would really appeal himself to me by once again smoothing things over with either a snappy line or just calming vibes. She'd go from '_gonnasmash_' to '_ahwhatever_' in seconds.

Jazz cackled. _"What do you think is more exciting, having sex or boosting cars?"_

Me and Mouse answered at the same time.

"Sex."

"Boosting."

I gave Mikaela a big-sis glare and threw a pillow at Jazz. "And never quote that travesty of a remake in my place ever again."

"But Jolie is hot!" Jazz quipped, gunnin' his engine.

I nodded. "True, but she shouldn't have sullied herself with the likes of Nicholas Cage."

All in all it was a nice change of pace to have Jazz move in. We even got him an automatic garage door opener so he could get in and out whenever he wished without having to use his holo to open the damn thing. So far things were running smoothly, he hadn't pushed privacy or suddenly blasted music at 4am like I nearly expected him to, and it was quite nice to come home after a long shift to a warm house (warehouse, whatever) and have Aretha Franklin crooning at me, courtesy of my new Blues Addict.

It really was the little things. When I stumbled my tired ass home this afternoon, I gave Jazz a quick hello, weaved over to the couch and literally splatted facedown onto it. And only seconds later a warm pair of hands rid me of my purse and jacket and gave my back a quick firm rubdown that had me happily groaning.

"I was kidding about the live in masseuse thing, hun." I protested half-heartedly.

With a firm squeeze on my naked shoulders, Jazz came back with, "I got it better than Bee already an' I only been here two days. Yer workin' yer ass off and Mouse's in school, this's th' least I can do."

"Least, my ass, this is… Mmmmmm."

"Shut up and go to sleep."

When I woke up there was Mikaela doing her homework on Jazz's hood and I could smell the wonderful spice of hot food floating out from the kitchen, and had to wonder when the hell Mouse learned to cook. The rest of the evening was spent with the 'Movie Quiz' and light reading, all to a soundtrack of Buddy Guy and Muddy Waters.

Yeah, having the new roomie was pretty damn sweet.

Mikaela was in heaven about the whole thing. When Jazz and I picked her up after school the day we agreed he could move in, she literally screamed. Right in front of Sam, Bee and Miles, she tackle-hugged me and bear-hugged Jazz's holo, completely baffling Miles who seemed to be the only one not in the know. Felt sorry for the kid but his face was hilarious.

On the way home she'd asked how in the world Jazz got me to agree. Jazz's reply was _"You crack my back. You gimme foot massage. And after a shower, you put moisturizer on my butt."_

"Death Proof, and I did not say that."

"I'll do it anyway."

"You will not. And why the hell wouldn't I let him move in?"

I grinned as I cracked my book open again, picking up where I left off, leaving Jazz and Mouse to argue over who was better looking, Salma Hayek or Catherine Zeta-Jones. It was getting late for me, which felt rather pathetic… this 6 am bullshit was gonna kill me. It was about time for bed for my old bones, so I finished my chapter quickly and marked my spot, then snuck out, smiling at their bickering. They really were sweet together, like siblings but not quite. Siblings would have come to blows by now. I know I would have. _Heh_.

Mikaela met me in the kitchen a moment later and hugged me tight. "Thank you."

"What the hell for?"

"Letting Jazz move in, dumbass."

I scruffed her hair. "I'd have to be nuts to deny you your guardian."

"Or yourself a masseuse."

"I am not using him as a personal masseuse!"

"Maybe not, but you like it, don'tcha?"

I hummed. "Boys got good hands, I'll give him that. "

We cackled and I shuffled her off to get ready for bed.

I stood at the kitchen window for a moment drinking my water and just…staring. It was one of the luxuries I gave myself daily, Zone Time. One of the many things I learned over the years with other cultures around the world in comparison with Western was that here, there just wasn't enough time in the day to just sit and stare, think, let the mind wander. So I made the time. I let my mind blank out completely

"You okay?"

I must have leapt a foot in the air when Jazz's voice sang from less than two feet behind me.

"Sorry!"

I laughed. "If you're gonna make this a habit, I'm getting your holo a bell."

He helped me clean up the broken glass and water. "So what were ya thinkin' about?"

"Absolutely nothing."

"Hmm?"

_His brain's a big-ass computer, kiddo, he's always thinking. _"I just like to not-think once in a while. Like standing meditation."

"Why?"

I gave him a smarmy grin. "Why not?"

Jazz shook his head and dumped his pile of glass in the trash. "Speaking o' dudes who don't think, I gotta head out to a meetin' at the base. Seems there's been some 'Con activity up in Canada."

_Ugh. I so could have gone another lifetime without hearing about those fuckwads again_. "They're startin' some shit?"

"I dunno yet, that's what the meetin's about."

"Better go find out then, babe." I hugged him real quick and backed the hell off before I did something stupid.

"Y' don't mind?"

"Why the fuck would… Jazz, you don't need my permission or blessings to leave, ya know. This is as much your home now as it is mine." Then I shrugged. "'Cept I pay the rent. Just don't blast the tunes when you get back."

Before I could even think to back off I found myself totally wrapped up in his arms and squeezed. There was something so comforting about those arms and that body surrounding me completely, and I _sooo_ easily could have dropped off to sleep (or stuffed my hand down his pants, either or) if he held me much longer.

"Be back soon."

_POOF_.

He was gone. Just like that. I felt like an idiot with my arms in a circle in front of me sorta leanin' forward into absolutely nothing. _Why you…_ "I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT!"

* * *

_Soundwave had been gone for two days and Frenzy was already getting twitchy. Well, twitchier than usual. He and Rumble had made up, fought, made up again, and had decided to team up against Laserbeak, who out of boredom had decided to gather mud in his claws and dump it on them from above. Ravage had the advantage of being able to dig himself into little caves and hideouts and avoid the bombs, but Frenzy, Rumble and the unfortunate Barricade had no such luck, and after two hours of surprise dive-bombs, had finally had enough. _

"_Little slagger. If he does not stop soon I'll shoot him out of the sky."_

"_Sssssoundwave'd k-k-kill you."_

_Barricade grumbled. "Would be worth it. I can take Soundwave's rage, but if I get any more mud in my intakes…"_

_Rumble shambled off the rocks, still dripping freezing water. "What do you propose then? I say, next time he comes by, launch me and Frenzy at him, let us 'deal' with the fucker."_

"_What if I miss?"_

"_Soundwave. Dismantlement. Ya know…"_

"_That is not encouraging."_

_Frenzy kept a close eye on the skies and wished Soundwave were there. He'd not allow this attack on their cleanliness, and Laserbeak would spend a few days enclosed in Soundwave's chest getting a good talking to. If only he'd come back in time to see this…_

_While Barricade and Rumble argued battle tactics, Frenzy wandered off for a moment, contemplating his own plans. There was one advantage to being one of the smaller mechs in the Decepticon army, and having a speech impediment… nobody thought he could actually THINK. Many assumed because he could not speak normally meant he could not think properly either, that his mind was as small as his body. They couldn't be more wrong. Sure, he was much more relaxed in his speech (with or without the glitch) and he had a tendency to get squeaky and fritzed out when something exciting happened, but in those few quiet moments he had alone, he used the brain Primus gave him. _

_Right now he was working out some kinks in a plan he wanted to propose to his Creator. It was something that would more or less supplement the current plan, a distraction, something to occupy the Autobots while the real plan was carried out, and Frenzy hoped he would be the one to carry this part out if it was indeed included. It was his specialty, after all. If things went the way he wanted, the Autobots would be so preoccupied that they'd go lax in their outside observation, the Decepticons might score a point or two, and Soundwave would have time and freedom to do what he needed to, all without getting his aft shot off by panicking Autobots._

_It was near perfect. _

_Now all he had to do is work out some kinks and propose it to Soundwave._

_In the meantime…_

_A flash of light from above, and Frenzy ducked quickly under some foliage, neatly dodging a clump of mud the size of a human head. _

"_Mmmissed, ya dirty slagger!" He gave his airborne brother the finger and cackled. _

"_Now!"_

_Frenzy watched, amazed, as Laserbeak casually drifted just a foot to the left, neatly avoiding the multiple-armed cursing silver projectile that flew past. Both brothers cringed when the third smacked into the side of a pine and slid/bumped/bounced all 25 feet down to the ground._

_Laserbeak circled and landed on a nearby rock, silently observing with Frenzy as Rumble shakily got to his feet, plucked out a tree branch from his thigh, and began cursing Barricade in 12 different languages. Off in the distance, they all heard Barricade laughing. Frenzy loved to hear him laugh, it was so rare._

"_P-p-please tell me you recorded that."_

_The eagle-shaped Decepticon squawked and replied, "Affirmative."_

"_Sweeeeeeeeet."_

* * *

I didn't go to bed.

Well, I tried. Really I did. But I couldn't get my mind off what Jazz said. _Decepticon Activity_. My mind dwelled on it, coming up with the most ridiculous scenarios. Sure, the one time I had contact with these guys, they were frightening and maniacal and likely willing to slaughter all five of us, but… they were sorta dumb. What did I really have to fear?

Then again there was that Soundwave guy they told me about. I considered myself lucky he didn't show up earlier, and that I didn't have any more exposure to him than trying to run his ass over with my front-loader. I wasn't afraid for myself, I could handle getting… whatever… done to me. Apparently he could read minds and mine was so full of weird shit and random bits of info that it'd probably blow his processors. No, I was more afraid for Mikaela. She didn't need that shit.

_Quit. Don't think about it._

I ended up on the couch, half asleep, staring over at the Beast, subconsciously waiting for the garage door to open and Jazz to pull in. And of course, waiting meant time passed much slower. The ticking of the clock began to both grate on me and put me to sleep, and I hung in that strange place between being asleep and being awake.

I wasn't even aware of it when Jazz pulled in, silent as he could, but I sure as hell woke up when one of his giant-ass hands grasped the back of the couch and his glowing blue eyes hovered just above my head.

"Ain't ya supposed to be in bed?"

I groaned and sat up while Jazz backed off just a little. It was rare I got to see him in his mech form outside of the Autobot base, and seeing him in the context of my house was just…neat. Fourteen-footer or not, he still fit, and in this part of the place, could almost stand up straight. But instead he made himself comfortable on the floor, sitting as cross-legged as he could, relaxing back onto his hands.

"Couldn't sleep."

"Worried about me?" He winked.

I laughed. "Worried about everyone. What time is it?"

"Two."

"Ugh." I flopped back onto the couch. I had to be UP in three hours!

"Should I call you in sick?"

_I wish_. "Nah, wouldn't look too good bein' sick on my fourth day and all. I'll catch a nap at lunch break."

I could feel his frown even if I couldn't see it. I changed the subject. "So, 'Cons in Canada, what's the story?"

"Not much to tell. Whatever they're doin' up there ain't botherin' the locals much, besides puttin' a scare into the elders."

My brow shot up. "Lemme guess, Wihtiko legends?"

"How'd you guess?"

"Anthropologist here…" I stretched and readjusted my blanket. "So they aren't, like, pluggin' humans left and right?"

"Nah, right now they're not doin' much. Probably still lickin' their wounds."

"Hmmm." I kind of doubted it. It'd been way too long for that.

"But… three more landed."

_Oh, wonderful_. "Awww fuck." I knew it.

Jazz leaned forward and laid his hand on the arm of the couch near my feet. "Nothin' to worry about, they were small ones, probably more of Soundwave's symbiotes. We barely registered their landin'."

"Small or not, they could cause some shit."

Jazz shrugged. "An' your livin' proof of small things causin' big shit. Now get yer ass upstairs and go to sleep."

I shook my head. "Hell no, I ain't movin' now… couch's all warm and comfy." I made my point by snuggling deeper into my blankets. "You okay to take Mikki to school in the mornin'?"

"Sam 'n Bee 're comin'. I'm drivin' you to work, then I got some shit needin' to be done."

"I got my car, Jazz."

"And I ain't lettin' you behind the wheel on only three hours o' sleep."

"I'm fine!" I argued.

"My ass." Jazz shot back.

"OH WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP? You sound like an old married couple, and it's two in the freakin' morning!"

My poor dishevelled sister stood at the top of the stairs in rumpled pajamas and a frown that could melt steel, hands on her hips.

"Sorry Mouse." We said simultaneously, and grinned at each other.

She made a grunt-like noise and a nod, then shambled, zombielike, back to her bedroom and slammed the door.

_Never fuck with a Banes woman's sleep._

I laid back down and Jazz transformed back into the Solstice, and silence reigned for a few minutes… before:

"I'm drivin' ya."

"Yeah, up the wall."

"You like it."

"Shush. Sleepin'."

"Still drivin' ya."

"Are not."

"Am too."

"SHUT UP!"

"Sorry Mouse!"

* * *

Total filler. I know. Bah. :P


	5. Chapter 25

_-flashes everyone-_

the way this fic's goin' in later chapters, definately gonna be moving it up to M... but not yet. :D

* * *

_And how are you gonna get to work Mr Lead Foot, Mr Hot Rod, Mr Motor Head? Those cops took your license away!_ - The Blues Brothers

(25)

"Lena! Wake up!"

The hands at my shoulders released, and suddenly I felt a hard smack on my cheek.

"OW! Skank! Fucksakes!" I hit out blindly, striking what felt like Mikaela's arm.

"Ow!"

I sat up and touched my cheek. Christ, the girl slapped hard. "What the fuck're ya hittin' me for?"

"You were screaming again." She hissed, rubbing at her upper arm. I had good target, even blurry-eyed, gettin' the 'sweet spot' that, years ago, became highly sensitized from repeated knuckle-bruising. "Dreamin' about Jazz?"

Groggy still, I didn't think of my answer before I said it. "Not this time."

Mikaela smirked.

_What's so fun… fuuuuuck!_ "Not that I ever have." I said lamely. Bitch was too clever for her own good.

"Uh huh."

"Fuck off." I groaned, hiding my head under the pillow. _Fuckin' little sisters and their fuckin' hard palms and smart-assery and what the fuck time is it?_

"Ten."

Mikki started and I barely looked out from under my pillow at Jazz, who leaned casually against the door frame with a grin. _Shit, did I ask that aloud or is he just psychic? And oh fuck how long has he been standin' there? And how can he look THAT hot this early?_ Wearing light tan cargos and a white 'wife-beater', his skin contrasted quite gorgeously, hair perfect, stance relaxed yet bright… _Damn holos…_

Unfortunately he spotted the red hand-mark on my cheek and rushed over. "What the hell?"

I pouted theatrically, "Mikki hit me!"

Jazz glared at Mikaela, who rolled up her sleeve and showed her arm. "She hit me back!"

"You started it though."

"You two…" Jazz merely shook his head and walked out, laughing.

"Bitch."

"Ho."

I absolutely refused to move, so Mikaela crawled under the warm blankets with me and we nodded off for a while. I'd only gotten home around 3 am from the new job, first night and everything, and having worked yesterday morning as well, I was fucking beyond exhausted. And, lovely thought, tonight was another round…

"Lena."

"Whua?"

"You're talkin' in your sleep again."

I shifted my face into the pillow so I couldn't have to look at her grin. "Fug ov."

Five minutes later…

"Lena."

"Mrrrph."

"I smell coffee."

That sure as hell got my attention. "Coffee?"

Faster than I thought I'd be able to this early, I found my gorilla slippers, sunglasses and a housecoat and stumbled off towards the kitchen, Mikaela behind me all the way with much-too-perky morning commentary, full with fake British accent.

"And now we observe as the hairy slavering beast, upon catching the scent of its prey, slowly stalks toward the kitchen, waiting for just the perfect moment to strike…"

"I'll _strike_ your head open."

"Wassat?" The only male of the house popped his head around a corner, spotted us, and grinned. "I made coffee!" He looked a little… buzzed.

"I can tell." Mikaela nodded.

"When'd you learn to use the coffee-maker?"

He gave me a look that more or less said 'duh', "Looked it up online yesterday. Come on, you need your fix."

He took me by the elbow and led me to a chair. I quirked a brow at the cup set in front of me and looked dubiously at the hologram. "It's not… I mean… is it safe?"

Mikaela snorted her orange juice and had to run for a towel while Jazz crossed his arms across his chest, feigning insult. "Of course it's safe!"

"Just checkin'." Taking a tentative sip, I pretended to gag. "Christ, this is strong enough to melt tank armour!"

Jazz looked forlorn. _Oh quit being evil. _I grinned. "Just how I like it."

He chucked a dishrag at me. "Bitch!"

"You love me." I took another sip. "Since when are you all…" I waved my hand around trying to think of the word, "…domestic?"

A knock on the front door interrupted his likely very sarcastic answer, and all three of us turned to the livingroom. Nobody came over here besides the Autobots and Sam, and it was much too early for Sam…

I groaned and went to answer, clutching my coffee like a lifeline, not caring how ridiculous I looked. I must've been quite a sight, what with my hair sticking out in all angles, a fuzzy blue housecoat and gorilla slippers with giant shiny aviators perched on my nose. Anyone dumb enough to visit me this early on a Saturday deserved the scare. I regretted not putting some weird green stuff on my face just to complete the image.

I nearly laughed on seeing the man on the other side of the door. Dressed in a suit, black hair combed and neat, and clutching a book, the man looked surprised at seeing me. He had a bit of a manic look to his eyes and a fake grin smeared itself across his face before I could even say 'hello'. Dude had 'sleaze' written all over him.

"Hi there!"

_Goddamn it, not this early_. "No, we do not see the Light of God, we do not want a vacuum cleaner, Tupperware, or Girl Scout cookies, and the cheque will be in the mail next week. Good day."

_I think that covers all bases_. I slammed the door before the guy could get a word in edgewise, grinning to myself. Mikaela and Jazz stood in the kitchen doorway.

"Who the hell was that?"

"I ordered a gigolo for this afternoon but the one they sent was too fugly…" I pushed past the two and back into the kitchen, chuckling when the man outside started pounding on the door again.

"Open up!"

Mikaela crept to the nearest window and peeked out. "Oh shit. Jazz, it's our favourite government agent."

_What the fuck?_ "Government… lemme guess, that Sector Seven asshole you were telling me about?"

"Oh yeah." She grumbled.

Jazz looked back and forth between us and the door then shrugged and fizzled out. "Better I not be here."

"Dude, I think he'll notice the sexy lil' sports car no matter what."

"Awww babe, I'm flattered."

"Come on back out here, you." I pointed a finger at the Solstice, and with a front-end shrug, Jazz the Hologram reappeared, leaning casually on the hood.

While this mini-conversation went on, the pounding on the door continued and the voice on the other side got louder and more insistent.

"If it's that Simmons guy, I _soooo_ wanna mess with him a little." I grinned.

Mikaela giggled, "You probably can now that he doesn't have his little 'do anything he wants and get away with it' badge."

I tore the door open again and greeted the man, who looked about ready to get a battering ram. "Yes?"

"About goddamn time." He huffed impatiently, and I held in a satisfied smirk. "Is this the Banes residence?"

"Maybe."

"I take that as a yes. May I enter the premises, ma'am?" He asked, already sliming his way inside. I blocked him with a leg.

"No, you may not. Identify yourself, state your business or leave." I said in my best 'do not fuck with me' voice.

The man was a few inches taller than me and thicker built, but already I was assessing ways to disable him if he so much as tried to push his way in any further. He didn't look too pleased about my getting in his way either, but he had his own protocol to follow, even if it wasn't S7 anymore, and could not force his way in. Well, I hoped not.

He flashed an official looking badge at me, stating his name and 'number' and sporting a non-maniacal looking picture. "My business is classified."

Playing dumb, I quirked a brow at him. "That's nice. Won't get you inside though."

"I have orders from the President of the United States to keep tabs on certain families, and you're obstructing my duties."

I shrugged. "I didn't vote for him, and I don't like him, so I don't recognize his authority."

I swore I heard Jazz snickering somewhere inside. The sound also seemed to reach the ears of the agent in front of me, enraging him even more. His eyes almost crossed as he looked down on me.

"I can get a warrant."

I grinned. "I can fold it into origami." _I love messin' with dudes in suits. _

A hand fell on my shoulder and looked over to see Mikaela standing right behind me, staring at Simmons. She turned her eyes on me, we shared a quick silent look, and I backed down a little. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

I stepped out of the way and Mikaela took my place near the door. I stayed close though; paranoid he'd try a snatch and run or something. I really didn't like dudes like him, let alone trust them. Maybe it was from seeing too many movies or my experiences with how governments treated its people in other countries seeping into my conscience, but… yeah, no leaving Agent alone with Sister.

They spoke in low voices at the door for a moment until Mikaela opened it enough for a victorious Agent Simmons to enter, giving me a warning look. "It's alright, he just has some questions, follow-up shit."

The Agent (who looked more and more like a mafia grunt than a government employee) took a cursory look around the place, but paused when his eyes fell on the gleaming silver Solstice and the man seated on the hood. "Ah, so it _is_ true one of the NBE's stays here."

"Huh?"

To my amusement, Simmons, Jazz and Mikaela, in perfect sync, answered, "Non-Biological Extraterrestrials."

"Ohhhhkay…" At Simmon's dirty look over in Jazz's direction, I had to speak up again. "But let me make one thing clear. You address him by name while you're in my house, or not at all. None of this NBE shit, it sounds like a serial number."

'It is."

_Resist strangling the man._ "Just do your business and get out. It's Saturday, I have no patience for this kinda bullshit."

"No need for the hostilities, it's only a couple of questions, be cool." He gave Mikki a pointed look and she sighed, waving him to the couch. How she could be this civil this early was beyond me.

I growled but relented for the moment, going over to stand with Jazz while Simmons and Mikaela spoke. Jazz never took his eyes off the two of them, but took a moment to put an arm around my shoulders and pull me close. I leaned in and whispered, "Please tell me you're listening in."

His frown melted for a moment into a scheming grin, "And taking bio-scans to see if he's hidin' anything."

"So…."

"Just follow-up questions, health an' daily shit so far…"

I frowned. "I don't like it."

Jazz squeezed me a little harder. "Neither do I, but he supposedly ain't S7 anymore. He's takin' orders from John Keller now."

"The SecDef? Sheee-it." Well, it was a little reassuring. Mikaela told me about Keller, said he was a decent enough guy despite being a government dude, and if this guy was working for him now, maybe he wasn't so much a risk to Mikaela's security.

The two of them sat there chatting, and I couldn't help but notice not one of us offered him coffee, water, nothing. He knew he wasn't welcome here, but seemed determined to make the best of it and after the initial hostilities, had recovered quickly and was all business. Not even a smart-ass tone of voice or paranoid look to him. I had to respect that, not just anyone could take the shit I gave him AND sit in front of a giant robot and act normal. I supposed he'd been doing it long enough though that he was used to it.

What a way to start the day. Once he was done with Mikaela he questioned me. It was so hard not to fuck with him some more, but I just wanted him out so I behaved. They were mostly standard procedural questions, stuff about the battle at the construction site, health issues, work, and happily he didn't delve into places he had no right to. After me, he went after Jazz.

Jazz couldn't resist messin' with him. To start he transformed and made sure to hover over the little Simmons, visor down, looking quite intimidating. Then he fiddled with his weapons, brought out that weird shield looking thing and literally sucked Simmon's gun out of his holster, dismantled it, and put it back together, never laying a finger on it, then threw it to the agent's feet, all while chatting amiably with the shaken man. Mikaela and I sat curled and muffling our giggles with pillows as Jazz 'cooperated' with him, until finally Simmons gave up and huffed.

"I think that's all I need for now. I'll be in touch."

With that curt little goodbye, he left, near slamming the door as he went.

"I think you pissed him off." I said as the echo died down.

"Me?!" Jazz gave an incredulous, innocent squeak that neither of us fell for, and crossed his arms. "Funny, comin' from lil Miss 'I'll fold your search warrant into origami'."

I stuck my tongue out at him and escaped to the kitchen, barely catching his retort. "Keep doin' that and I'll have ta teach ya how to _really_ use that tongue o' yers."

"Sweetie, I know very well how to use my tongue." I waggled my brows at him and disappeared, listening to Mikaela's exaggerated gagging and Jazz's laughter.

* * *

As I only had a few hours of freedom before I had to drag my ass back to work, I decided to spend it puttering around the house, messing a little with the Beast, and blasting whatever music happened to hit me at the moment. Jazz and Mikaela had a 'lunch date' with Sam and Bee, so I was left alone to enjoy my privacy.

"Fuck."

I had a nasty craving for a sandwich, and a sandwich just wasn't the same without a few big-ass dills…which we were conveniently out of. I gathered my stuff quickly, determined to have my damn sandwich, and hopped into the Beast.

It was a gorgeous day, the mid-afternoon sun blasting the road beneath me and gleaming off the paintjob of my baby, who took to the road with a happy roar and a squeal of tires that'd put Jazz to shame if he knew just how much power I had under the hood. I grinned, ever so proud of my car. Sure, he wasn't sentient, and couldn't transform and scare off dudes in suits, but he made up for it with barely restrained power, muscle, speed and hooooolyfuck pickup. Accent the cruise with some good tunes and it made for a nice drive, albeit short.

I stopped at the nearest grocery store and did a speed shopping, trying for the life of me to think if Jazz needed anything and not coming up with a bloody thing. I paid with a credit card that would undoubtedly bite me in the ass soon, and left again to do a quick cruise by a drive through coffee bar.

That's when I noticed the tail.

It looked like a Midnight Blue Government Issue sedan, the usual fare, but I couldn't make out the dudes behind the glass. They all looked the same to me anyway, suits and sunglasses and faces as cold as stone. I'd have recognized that ex-Sector Seven guy, and neither of the men in the car behind me looked anything like him. But for all I knew he was behind it.

Why the fuck were they tailing me? For Jazz? They knew where I lived, probably where I worked… maybe they thought I'd lead 'em to some secret hideout? I laughed aloud at that. Yes, giant alien robots in their secret hideout, making some super-weapon to wipe out humanity… stay tuned for the Movie of the Week… Bah.

Whoever these guys were, they weren't very good at keeping secret. Hell, I remembered ditching that cop a few weeks back, easy as pie… these guys'd be NOTHIN'.

_Would have been funny if that cop was Barricade_. I snorted. _Yeah right_.

_Screw this. _

Boosted by my frustration that these wankers were interfering with my pickle fix, I slammed on the accelerator and for a split second, got that jolt of pure love for my car as it revved up and unleashed that lovely feel of 454 HP, shooting me off down the street faster than I'd bothered doing in months.

The dudes in the car behind me didn't even pretend they weren't following me, swerving around a red minivan and a yellow Beetle to get back into the same lane as me, boosting their speed as well. Whatever the hell they wanted, they were persistent. _Well, whatever it is, they'll have to wait. I want my sandwich._ I laughed at my own lack of logic and made a hard right, scaring the hell out of some poor woman in a blue semi as I cut her and an ambulance off to get to the off ramp.

"Woo!" I cheered as the blue sedan zoomed past, completely missing the ramp with no chance to turn around… they weren't about to compete with a semi and an ambulance just to get to lil' ol' me… I grinned and gunned it down and away. "Too damn easy."

Curious, still a little pissed, but satisfied with the rush of leaving my tail in the dust, I once again blasted my music and made my way back home, humming along and half-wondering if Mikaela was okay… after all, if they were tailing me, there's no chance in hell they weren't tailing her…

_Gotta find a phone booth_.

"OH SHIT!"

I didn't even see the dead end, or the light post right in front of me… until I crashed right into it.

* * *

_Earth wasn't so bad a place. Frenzy would have much preferred Cybertron if it hadn't been nearly destroyed, the ancient halls and gleaming towers naught but ash now… but Earth was a different kind of savage beauty, and Frenzy could appreciate it. They had wind on Cybertron, but it was…regular, moderated… the winds here blasted warm and cold, strong and weak, at times freezing his circuitry, other times giving him gentle caresses and relaxing shivers. The greenery was so foreign to him, delicate yet strong in its own way. The rock all around him was strong, stable, in a way so metal-like but much less breakable. Metal could bend, tear, burn. Rock could not. It took a nearly inexplicable amount of pressure (to him) to crumble some of the rocks in this area, and no small amount of firepower. He found it reassuring. _

_Yeah, Earth was alright. A near perfect balance of energies, biology, and strength._

_Nowhere near as beautiful as Cybertron in its Golden Age, but Frenzy would make do._

_And he'd never admit it aloud, and kept the idea firmly locked behind many firewalls, but… sometimes he didn't mind the inhabitants. Yeah, they were disgusting, squishy, whiny little runts, but then again, who was he to talk? He was two feet shorter than most of the humans, and knew from experience he could be off-lined almost as easily. _

_No, what he found interesting was their resilience, biologically and culturally. He'd studied the humans in the nearby settlement and listened in on their stories, watched their daily lives… it was so different than the place he spent so much time in before. Survival had a higher role to play in daily life. Woodcutting for fire/heat, hunting for food sources, Primus, some of these people still made their own clothes. The place he was before, where the Allspark was kept, was so different. Those people, for the most part, did not hunt their own food, did not make their own clothes… it was all done for them._

_Frenzy considered the difference between primitive savagery and those just spoiled by convenience. On Cybertron there'd been classes as well, maybe not to this extreme, but he knew of bots who had servants, and he knew bots that had to scavenge for parts, even before the war. It was a lesson he learned early and one that many decided to forget._

_The people in the settlement here, they also had Television. They had those cellular comm devices. Some of them had pre-made clothing and some bought their food. But Frenzy looked online… the Decepticons were lucky they retreated here when they did… had they come mere weeks earlier, they would have arrived in the midst of a Pit-begotten blizzard, with temperatures comparable to those that had Megatron in stasis for millennia. And yet these fragile little humans made their lives here, went out and hunted, happily at times. Frenzy had to admire that tenacity, and that will to adjust to their environment._

_Humans could live through almost anything, he concluded. The odds were so much against them and yet they thrived. Virus, Natural Disaster, their own war-like culture, and still they lived. _

_Frenzy would never ever say anything like this to his brothers, but… if Megatron HAD succeeded, and taken over the planet by force, he wondered… how much of humanity would have survived through that as well? The planets different cultures made war with each other all the time, decimating entire populations, and yet some parts of those cultures lived through it, continuing on in whatever way it could. If the Decepticon army+-- had rolled over this planet, Frenzy had a feeling the humans would still find a way to live through it, adjust and endure, and continue on. And although these thoughts were treacherous at best, Frenzy couldn't help but hope some of them did survive, just so he could watch the species adapt, study a new evolution. _

_Frenzy wondered when he started becoming interested in science and observation, and when the idea of humans as weak began to dissipate. He knew the difference between physical weakness and mental weakness, him being one of the more fragile Decepticons yet one of the smarter ones… or at least, a 'Con that wasn't drone-like in their will to obey orders. Humans, they were physically weak in comparison to Cybertronians, and mentally they were not exactly up to their standards, but… they had a will and tenacity and a purely biological flexibility that sometimes surpassed the average Cybertronian. Frenzy could no longer hand down the blanket opinion of Human Weakness, and hence, could not wholly agree with the general Decepticon creed of 'destroy the weak' when it came to this species. He was weak, and he had not been destroyed even through thousands of years of war. Humans were weak in their way, but they had a tendency to avoid complete destruction._

_He had to bury this doubt. There was no way on Cybertron he'd get away with such free thought in the months to come, and if they as a faction were to survive and thrive, Frenzy would have to put aside these observations and view the humans as insectile, viral, useless, nothing… or he would not survive. The Command would not allow sympathizers, or hesitation. It was something the little mech knew he would grow to regret, blasting the humans without sympathy or discrimination._

_Frenzy sighed, cracked his joints, and hopped off the rock he had been meditating upon. Now was not the time for introspection and self-doubt. He had to find Soundwave. He had to thump Ravage on the head for burying him in the dirt this morning. He had to do another maintenance check on his partner. _

_It was Saturday as well, which meant… he had to get back to that settlement! That old man was telling stories again, and Frenzy, as a guilty pleasure, didn't like to miss those. As primitive sometimes as humans were, some of them were great storytellers. Hell, anything was better then Bonecrusher's tales of battle where they usually ended with an abrupt "then something exploded and everyone died". Everyone but him, of course. And this elder in particular told what the humans called Trickster tales, some of which had wonderful ideas that Frenzy could most definitely incorporate into his own plans… the thought made him cackle. _

* * *

It was dusk by the time I dragged my ass home.

The mistake wasn't hitting the pole. It wasn't my speed, or my escape from the hospital, or lying to the cops saying my girlfriend was in labour and I was attending… it was calling home and telling Mikaela and Jazz. I dreaded opening that door. I knew what was coming and I was not looking forward to it. My head hurt as it was… steering wheels weren't fun to bounce off of.

I didn't even get a chance to reach for the doorknob. It flew open and two pairs of hands, one flesh and one metallic dragged me in before I could protest, those hands attached to bodies that hovered and bitched and thoroughly worked me over to check for injuries before I finally shrugged them both off.

"I'm fine, dammit!" I screeched, trying not to smile at their concern. It was sweet, though very _very_ stifling.

"What the hell happened?" Mikaela glared, once again giving me her usual 'oh hell she got tooled over again' question. Jazz on the other hand merely frowned.

"I ..umm…sorta... well… it came out of nowhere!"

"What…came out of nowhere?" She growled.

"Um… a lamp-post."

"YOU WRAPPED THE CAR AROUND A LAMP POST?!"

Jazz dropped his head into his palm and started laughing. Mikaela rounded on him, furious. "IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"I beg to differ…" I said, laughing with him. My car, my beautiful car… what a fuckin' twist, I avoid government agents and get away with stunts one usually sees in movies, only to slam head on into a fuckin' inanimate post. At least it was salvageable, the only reason I wasn't crying.

"You two are fucking ridiculous, you know that?" Mikaela stomped out of the room, livid as hell, leaving the two of us behind feeling just a bit guilty.

"Shit. Shouldn't have laughed at her, huh?" I felt like an asshole.

"Probably n…"

Jazz trailed off when Mikaela stomped back in, pointed at me with one long finger, and growled, "That's SEVEN!"

I nodded silently.

"SEVEN!!"

"Yup."

She sagged. "Who the hell gave you a license?"

"Found it in a Cracker Jack box."

"Mouse, look at it like this… she gets to fondle my gearshift some more!" Jazz perked up.

"Jazz!"

"Oh yes, I love feelin' up that leather wrapped shaft."

"LENA!"

"Feels good when ya tug it a lil'."

Mikaela squealed and slapped her hands over her ears. "Not listening! La la la!" and like that, she ran out of the room with an obvious grin. Jazz and I shared a conspirator's smirk.

"Prude!"

Half an hour later I had an icepack on my head and some painkillers coursing through my veins, and was comfortably ensconced on the couch with a concerned Jazz hovering around the back looking down at me, bitching me out because I still planned on going to work. The bruise was a little funny looking and my head still hurt, but I had make up and painkillers. What he didn't seem to understand is I HAD to go. Second night, need the money, and it's only 6 hours… I could sleep in tomorrow and didn't have to work again til Monday morning. All good!

"At least let Ratch look atcha before you go."

I dropped the icepack to the side and rolled my eyes. "Yeah, right. He comes here and I won't get out til sometime next year…" I remembered the last time Ratchet did a medical exam on me… _hell no._

Jazz sighed. "Not gonna talk ya outta this, am I?"

I shook my head and regretted it immediately. _Ooohgod, dizzy…_ Jazz's blue optics got a little hazy and the silver body blurred. "I'm…gonna nap for about an hour…"

"Two."

_Ugh, half unconscious and he still wants to argue_… "One and a half."

"Hour and forty-five, and I get you tomorrow."

"Whua?" _Get me what?_

"Done."

_Waitaminute… Sly bastard… _I couldn't even fight back… my mind floated off and I was dead asleep within seconds.


	6. Chapter 26

Wow, i didn't think that last chapter was THAT bad! hahahaha LOL. well i'm gonna keep posting anyway. cause i'm a stubborn-ass bitch. :P

* * *

I_ offered to help you... You refused to take our money. Then I said: I guess you're really up Shit Creek_ - The Blues Brothers

**(26)**

Jazz was one persistent son of a bitch, I'd give him that. He'd let me sleep well past two hours, and I then had to rush like mad shit to get cleaned up for work, with him trailing around behind me in mech and holo forms, trying to convince me otherwise. I finally had to round on him and tell him to more or less piss off. I understood where he was coming from, he was just being protective and all… but goddamn it, I've been a grown girl for a long time and I can bloody well take care of myself, and something as small as a fender bender (sort of) wasn't about to stop me from getting my shit done. I told him the same, and he thought otherwise. It was the first time we yelled at each other.

I took a cab to work.

There were a few questions and more than few strange looks throughout my shift, the most adamant being from the manager (who threatened to take out the 'bastard who hit me' til I told him to take it up with the lamp post on Fifth…) and the red-headed waitress with the weird looking motorcycle who I hadn't learned the name of yet. I supposed the big purple bruise on my forehead helped wrench sympathy-money from the customers, and I wasn't about to refuse it. I had a car to fix now.

Jazz was waiting for me outside when my shift was over, idling under a street lamp so I'd be sure to see him. I slumped against the wall, groaning. _Great._ The boss had offered me a ride and now I'd have to tell him 'no'… because if I didn't, I'd have one pissed off Autobot sitting in my garage. _Just fucking great._

So I made my excuses to the boss, telling him a buddy just got here and I'd be gettin' home with them, and wordlessly climbed into the idling Autobot. Jazz's hologram was scowling out the window at my boss, who looked a little doubtful again that my bruising came from a car accident. I smiled and waved as gaily as I could just to relieve him a little bit and he seemed to believe it enough to get into his own car.

As Jazz burnt rubber out of the small parking lot I had to smile a little to myself, thinking about my new co-workers. The job itself may suck, but the people were already pretty fun to work with, and even after only two shifts, I'd found a couple that I'd not mind sharing a beer with sometime. The possibility of quitting the pre-bake warehouse gig seemed more and more doable if things kept going the way they were at the bar.

Despite Jazz's silent displeasure permeating his interior, I found myself soothed by the rhythmic sway of him and the low music he had playing, not to mention his comfortable seats, and conked out before we'd gotten halfway home.

I didn't wake up again til noon, and that was only because Mikaela burnt something in the kitchen and set off the smoke detector. Idly wondering how the hell I got upstairs and under my blankets, I shuffled my ass into the kitchen, still wearing last night's clothes and my aviators, and beheld my sister frantically waving smoke out the window with a tea towel.

"Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!"

"And here I thought you knew how to cook." I said, plopping onto one of the barstool-style chairs and watching with a tired grin as my sister kept waving the towel around and coughing.

"I…cough…wanted to…hack… make breakfast." She said guiltily. So while she kept waving smoke out I lit a few candles to get rid of the smell, took a couple painkillers, and then helped her with the inevitable fallback breakfast: pancakes. We giggled at her cooking skills throughout breakfast and talked about work. I kept the shitty parts to myself and told her a bit about my coworkers, and she excitedly told me about meeting up with Sam this afternoon. I grinned… she was so totally in love with that kid, it was really sweet. I envisioned wedding bells and nieces and nephews in the future, all with a big yellow 'uncle' to watch over them. Little boys with Mikki's blue eyes and Sam's scruffy hair running around asking for 'Uncle B.B.' I mentally wibbled.

Mikaela sent me off like a nagging mother telling me to shower and get changed before I scared the neighbours, and cleaned up the kitchen herself, much to my gratitude.

And yes, I had noticed the new Autobot roommate hadn't made his usual morning (err, afternoon) appearance as of yet, but at the moment, I didn't care. If he was going to sit there in a snit because I had to actually work for a living, he could just stay that way. With all the shit going on this week the last thing I wanted to worry about is the pouting Autobot who just couldn't seem to get…_ ahhh, hell with it._

By the time I was back out in the kitchen, clean and relatively human looking, Mikaela'd finished tidying up and was chilling out reading a chemistry textbook. "When's the final?"

"Wednesday." She answered without looking up.

"Anything before that?"

She shook her head. "I think the new guys are gonna show up soon too, so I wanna get some studying in before then."

_Smart girl_. Hell, if they did show up, and if I were in her position, there's no goddamn way I'd be able to focus on studying.

She took a sip from her empty cup of coffee, frowned and got up to refill, "Speaking of Autobots…" She trailed off when she got a good look at me and grinned, "You look like you got half a frowny face on your forehead."

_Note to self: Find your bandana. Or just stay in all day_. "Get me a marker and I'll put a couple eyeballs up there…" I poured us both coffee and sat with her a moment. "So when you meetin' up with Captain Underpants?"

Mikaela's head dropped into her textbook. "Oh god, I almost forgot about that! Now I'm gonna be picturing him in his boxers all day."

"Like that's a bad thing?" I teased. She flicked an elastic band at me. "So…?"

"In about twenty minutes." She stopped, took a sip of her coffee, and grinned evilly at me. "So, you gonna talk to Mr. Boneable today?"

I'm sure they could hear the thwack of my head hitting the table in New York. It didn't help the bruising one bit either. "Owfuck."

Mikaela grinned but didn't let me distract her. "Cause, you know, I'm not deaf, and you two squabble like old people. Don't think I haven't noticed him pouting in the living room all morning…"

A very stringent voice bellowed "I'm not pouting!" from the living room, and Mikaela smirked.

"Are too!" She called back.

"Am not!"

She waved dismissively and continued, "So whatever the hell you two are arguing about, get the hell over it."

"We're not arguing. He's just being a bitch."

"Hey!"

"You are!"

"I AM NOT!" Jazz's holo fizzled into life right behind me, livid. "You're just bein' stubborn." A finger poked me in the shoulder.

"No, I'm being realistic; it's YOU that's being stubborn." I spun in my chair to face him, and paused. "When the hell did you get dreadlocks?"

The unexpected question threw him off and he made the most ridiculous mid-breath-for-a-yell face, then he deflated. And somehow he still looked good. The new 'do suited him, long dreads half tied back, the rest dangling over his shoulders… _Rawr!_ If I had any weakness with men's hair, it was dreadlocks. Damn him. _How the hell am I supposed to be pissy with him when he looks lickable!_

My sister's annoyingly smug grin got me back on track. "Uhh, never mind that." _Resist grabbing his hair and fondling it. Resist!_ "The world doesn't stop cause I got a headache."

"YA WRAPPED YER CAR AROUND A LAMP POST!" Jazz nearly yelled, making Mikaela jump and me to stand.

"You're exaggerating!"

He poked me in the forehead and I winced. "Is that exaggeratin'?"

"It's just a bruise!"

Mikaela huffed. "Oh for god's sake, will you two just bone and get it over with!"

The kitchen went dead silent as Jazz and I turned incredulous stares over to my fuming sister.

For a moment, all we did is stare… then Jazz looked at me, I looked at him, and we both smiled.

_At least there's one thing we can agree on…_

"Why, you wanna tape it?" Jazz asked Mikki.

I pretended to think really hard. "I think I have a video camera in my room somewhere…"

"Oooh, and Bee has that collection of 70's porn soundtracks…"

I addressed Mikaela, "When's he showin' up again?"

**HONK!**

Jazz and I grinned wider, much to Mikaela's horror, and said simultaneously, "There he is!"

"Noooo!"

…_It's unfailingly amusing to watch my sister flee_.

"Whaaaat? It was _your_ idea!"

She grabbed her purse and was out of the kitchen, streaking for the door in seconds. Me and Jazz had a good laugh for about half a minute before we realized we were now alone together.

Suddenly very uncomfortable, with our proximity to each other (nearly chest to chest from our arguing) and really not wanting to start yelling again, I turned away and grabbed up my coffee. I heard him sigh behind me.

Without a word to each other we went our separate ways, him to… where ever he went, me to my study.

If there was one safe haven in this joint, it was my study. Dimly lit, furnished with a comfy couch and a good reading chair, and walls stacked high with everything from physics textbooks to erotic fiction, it was the only room I could just completely relax in. It even had a bar fridge in the corner. It was my hidey hole. I shut the door tightly behind me, put my coffee down, slammed a mix tape of bluesy stuff into the player, and slumped in my reading chair.

Hell, I couldn't even really remember why I was mad. Mostly cause Jazz was being pissy and unreasonable….and I knew damn well I was over-reacting to it. I knew myself well enough to know I was hot-tempered little bitch sometimes… and the most reaction Jazz's over-protectiveness should have garnered was maybe extreme annoyance, but goddamn it, I'd been taking care of myself just fine for the past, oh, 20+ years, and now, what, some dude I barely know is crawling up my ass if I get a booboo? Uh uh, don't think so. He'd been on my ass all week and it frayed my last nerve to have him bitch at me all the fuckin' time.

_Ahhhh, quit thinking about it and read something._

I leaned over, blasted my music, and grabbed the nearest book…then sent it flying when Jazz burst into the room.

"I'm _so_ not finished with you yet." He announced, arms already starting to cross.

_He… just… fuckin…_ "What the… get the hell outta my study, man!"

The door slammed behind him. "No. We're havin' it out, right now."

"Uh uh, we ain't havin' shit, I'm gonna sit here and enjoy my day off, you're gonna get the hell out of here and do…whatever the hell you do. Go. Shoot Decepticons or something." I emphasized my point by opening another book and settling in for a good grudge-read.

When my book was yanked out of my hands and sent to join its brother somewhere across the room, I gave up. "I seem to remember agreeing that I have you for the day."

_Oh, no he didn't_. "First of all, I'm not to be 'had', and second, I think you reneged on that bargain when you didn't wake me up after the allotted time." I said calmly… mostly just to piss him off. If there was anything I hated when I was arguing with someone was when the other was acting calm and reasonable when I was pissing mad…

It worked.

Jazz slammed his hands on the arms of my chair and hovered dangerously above me, scowling. "Why are you such a stubborn-ass bitch?"

_Ooooooh, okay_… "Why are you such a persistent fucking bastard?"

"It's my job!"

"Horseshit, _your job_ is my sister, not _me_. Back the fuck off."

"And part of watching out for your sister is makin' sure YOU'RE healthy enough to do the same!"

"I'm fine dammit!" But I could see his point.

He poked me in the head again and I slapped his hand away. "Quit that."

"You're not fine."

I growled. This was going nowhere, and it felt like we were just yelling at each other for the sake of yelling. I took a deep breath and felt the tension slowly flow out. Now was not the time to be blindly pissed.

"Jazz. I've been doing this for years. You know how much school costs? You know the kind of hours I had to work just so I could pay for it? Add on the hours for actual studying? Shit, I used to get a max of maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, if I was lucky. I'm used to this…" I trailed off, grinning. "Well, I _was_ used to it. Been a while. But I'll adjust again. I'm tired now, but in two weeks, it'll be like normal."

Jazz deflated and slumped onto the couch. "That's not what's buggin' me right now. It's that big ol' bruise on yer forehead."

"That'll heal."

His hands fisted on the leather. "That's not what I meant."

"I know. Just said it to piss you off."

He chucked a pillow at me. "Bitch."

"Seriously, when'd you get dreads?"

"This mornin'." He replied, seamlessly blending into the new line of convo.

"No shit. I just didn't know you could, ya know, manipulate your holo like that."

"Girl, I could look like Agent Smith if I wanted to." As I watched in amazement, his entire body shimmered, shifted, and reformed into… fucking Hugo Weaving, full with suit. "Mr. Anderson!"

I slammed my eyes shut. "Ahh! NO! Put it away! Put it away!"

Jazz laughed and when I opened my eyes he was back to normal, in a crouch in front of my chair. I poked him in the chest. "Don't. Ever. Do that again." I shuddered. "Dude looks like a half melted circus clown."

Mid-laughing fit he nabbed up the hand I poked him with and fairly tugged me off the chair. I got the idea and settled on the floor with him, just enjoying the holoform's laughter. He really just so goddamn pretty.

He yanked me almost right onto his lap, and if it were any other situation I'd have…well… "C'mere, stupid."

"Stupid?!" I half-heartedly argued, smiling.

"Shaddap." His arms came around my waist and shoulders and I settled in between his legs laying my head on his shoulder. Gods, this was nice. No uncomfortable apologies, no arguing, just… layin' here. Jazz made a great pillow.

"Can you even feel me?" I asked out of pure curiousity. It'd never been said aloud, and hell, if he did, that opened a _whoooooole_ lot of opportunities. I mentally cackled.

Smart ass that he was, Jazz replied in Terminator voice. "I feel everything."

"Weiner." The resulting squeeze made me spew some weird sounding 'blegh' that got Jazz laughing again.

"You humans make the funniest sounds."

"I'm not a bagpipe, you overgrown vacuum cleaner."

"Don't make me expound on my suction capabilities."

"I refuse to comment on the grounds that I might get squished."

"Hey! And just what are you implying?" I got a firm shake.

That went on for a few minutes, accentuated by many slurpy noises just to rile the poor guy up and the many ways he could squish me should I choose to leave the study anytime soon.

Eventually though, we got back to what we were arguing about, but this time, much more civilized.

"As much as I'd love to just sit here and get pampered by a good lookin' holoform all week, I can't." I tried a different approach. "Try to see it this way… one day some hot-ass female Autobot with a big ghetto booty comes along, wraps you around her little finger, and says '_Oh Jazz, why don't you quit the army and play with me all day?_'… could you just up and drop all your duties like that? Despite the consequences?"

"Flattering as that was, I ain't no hot Autobot femme with a ghetto booty."

I poked him in the belly. "You know what I meant, bonehead."

"So, could I drop everything I've fought for in a war that's lasted millennia because someone asked me to?"

"Yeah."

"No."

"Even if it was detrimental to your physical and mental health, which for obvious reasons, it is?"

Again, he replied without hesitation, "Nope."

"And I can't do it either. I got responsibilities now. I got a teenager to raise and watch out for, an enormous warehouse to pay for, food to buy, and now a goddamn car to fix. I cannot afford to wuss out because of a few boo boos and some lost sleep. Nobody else is gonna do it for me. Might not be as big and important to you as a war, but it's important to me."

Jazz sighed. We'd adjusted position so he was leaning against the couch and I against the chair with our legs tangled, giving each other foot massages. He had nice feet, and it was easier to be reasonable when the other person was in that 'ahhh, that feels good' happy mode.

He suddenly dropped my foot and leaned forward. "Okay, we gotta make a deal or somethin', cause… shit, I know where yer comin' from… if it were me takin' care of Bee, I'd do the same thing. But I'd have backup in Prime and th' others. Where's yours?"

And here's where my 'I am woman, hear me roar' independent streak came in and bowled over all reason. "I don't need backup, Jazz. I've been doin' this for years."

"Whether ya think ya need it or not, you got it. You ain't Superwoman."

My shoulder slumped in defeat. _Ugh. Fine_. "Brat."

Jazz grinned victoriously and resumed the foot massage.

"But with one condition."

My foot dropped again.

"Ow. I won't have you hovering around like a mother-hen. I'm a grown girl and I can take my fair share of abuse. I don't need ya jumpin' in unless it's life, limb or mental health endangerment."

"Fine, but I get ta decide when you've had enough. No more smacking into things and goin' to work after."

"As long as you remember that we're a resilient bunch of squishy organics and it takes a lot for it to be 'enough'."

Jazz, hopefully recognizing he couldn't win, merely frowned and nodded. I tried again. "How about this… If Ironhide was watchin' yer ass, and not in that nice yummy way either, he'd know how much you can take and let you do your thing, right?"

He grinned at the 'yummy way' reference. "Yeah."

"Like that." I paused. "Use that big over-protective thing on Mikaela all you want though." I said with a grin.

"Shit, that girl'd kick my ass harder than you do."

"Yeah, but she's the youngest, so we get to be all motherly outta principle."

That ended up being the end of negotiations, as Jazz once again dropped my foot and hauled himself up. "Can't make no deal without either a handshake or a beer. And I wanna try that beer."

_Oh man_… "Your funeral."

Jazz dug a couple long-necks out of the fridge and popped the caps on em both, handing me one. "To stifling overprotection of brunette minors."

I laughed and clinked bottles with him. "Cheers."

He took a sip, and his face suddenly twisted into revulsion and the beer reluctantly slid down his throat. He started coughing. "Ugh! How the Pit do you drink this shit?"

"Wuss."

I enjoyed my beer and Jazz nursed his coffee for the next little while, argument settled, B.B. King singing in the background, discussing the differences between human intoxicants and the Cybertronian equivalent and their after effects, and I promised myself that I just HAD to see these guys drunk after Jazz told me Ratchet had a habit of breaking into song when he was 'overcharged'…

* * *

_"Another day, my friend, do not take too much for granted. Make sure the enemy is stone dead before you make a fire!"_

_Frenzy had been recording for the past hour, entertained beyond belief at the stories the elder told the circle of attentive younglings. They were childish stories, meant to teach the little ones lessons, but they were told in such a way that it entertained even an alien being older than this entire species. Frenzy himself liked the Rabbit tales best, stories of the smallest being outwitting the bigger, more violent Bear, Wolf, Cougar… _

'Frenzy: Report.'

_The voice of his creator nearly startled him out of his disguise, but luckily the humans were too embroiled in the stories to take any notice of the near unnoticeable twitch in the tiny CD player behind them. Frenzy sent waves of anxiety through their bond, in his own way letting Soundwave know he scared the slag out of him and nearly got him caught._

'Listening to stories at the human settlement.'

_Frenzy felt the mild amusement through the bond. Soundwave would never say it, but Frenzy knew the big mech, to use a human expression, got a kick out of Frenzy's weekly excursions. _'Return. I require assistance.'

'Rumble?'

'Ravage.'

'_What the Pit did that four-legged cretin get himself into this time?' Frenzy had no choice but to stay put for just a little longer, the humans were still in story-telling mode and would definitely notice if he transformed and skittered off. He told his Creator as much and felt the resulting impatience._

_He ignored it and focused back on the story. It would be the last time he'd get to indulge anyway, so Frenzy decided to enjoy it to its fullest._

_It was yet another story of the meek defeating the arrogant and powerful. Frenzy enjoyed these stories best and settled in for a good listen, hoping that Barricade would enjoy these tales as well. _

_It took a half hour for the humans to finish their stories, and another half hour for all the younglings to clear (or rather, be cleared from) the room. Once they were all gone it was just Frenzy and the old male human, who, to Frenzy's boosted nervousness, was staring at him with a little smile. _

_The elder, wrapped in a white blanket, slowly got to his feet with a groan, picked up his cup of steaming liquid and took a sip. "Ahhh, this is some good tea."_

'_Is he talking to me?' Frenzy wasn't stupid; he stayed still, betraying nothing._

_The elder shuffled around, taking his time folding blankets, taking sips of his 'tea', occasionally casting meaningful glances in Frenzy's direction, dark brown eyes sparkling with…something. He looked very pleased, if Frenzy was interpreting the wrinkled countenance correctly. _

_Once the room was clean, the elder gradually walked over to the table Frenzy was 'hiding' on, and placed the pile of blankets down next to him. Frenzy didn't know what to do. The elder knew something was up, but he hadn't made any moves against the little mech, didn't acknowledge the fact that he KNEW Frenzy was not what he looked like… so Frenzy didn't make a move in return, though it took a lot of self-control not to transform and run back to Soundwave._

_The elder just stood there for a moment, gazing at Frenzy with that little smile, as if waiting. When Frenzy didn't do what the male likely expected, the human shook his head a little, chuckled deeply, and withdrew something from within the blanket._

"_Fine, you don't want to talk." A large brown hand reached patted Frenzy's left speaker. Frenzy tried not to quiver._

_The old man seemed to know it. "I know you like Wâpos stories the best." His other hand placed something on top of the pile of blankets, and then he took a step back. Wise eyes took in Frenzy's form, frail body giving off a feeling of regret. "I won't be seeing you again, will I? That's a shame."_

_From his voice alone, Frenzy almost couldn't resist transforming and making himself known to the old human. But he knew better. Paranoia won out, and he remained still._

_The old man sighed heavily and turned away, finally going to the door. Before he left though, the old man looked over his shoulder at Frenzy, smiled, and said, "Good luck, little Rabbit,", then disappeared through the door, letting it click shut behind him._

_Frenzy stayed put for another couple of minutes, afraid that the old man would come back, or one of the younglings would sneak in. They didn't. He scanned the building and the only signal he got was the old man, all the way on the other side of the house, so he felt safe enough to move… _

_The old man had left something, perched on top of the blankets. Frenzy let one of his arms free and reached out, stretching as far as he could to get it. His long metal fingers brushed something… he gripped it and brought it down in front of him._

_It was a little wooden carving of a rabbit, with something in its mouth and held in its front paws… Frenzy remembered one of the stories; a rabbit smoked a pipe all calmly while he was being hunted by the cougar… it was one of his favourites. Calmness, rational thinking…_

_Frenzy transformed completely, held the little carving up closer, and inspected it. It had traces of the old man all over it… it was made recently, and it warmed Frenzy's spark to know it was made especially for him. _

_Yes, humans were definitely worthy of respect sometimes. Frenzy held the little gift close and escaped through the window, but not before leaving a very noticeable dent in the blankets to show that yes, he did get it. It was all he could do._

_He'd have to show this to Barricade._

* * *

a/n: the image of that little elder wrapped up in a blankie talking to a sentient radio makes me squee all the time.


	7. Chapter 27 aka the Towel Scene

I feel like a review whore now. I didn't mean 'everyone come review me or i'll stop writing'! really! I hate when writers do that. -feels ass-like- though I love being plied with rum. Anyone got any Jack Daniels? I could do with a bit o' that!

yeah, so i'm putting this one up early to make up for my sounding like i'm whining.

Now for the infamous (sorta) Jazz Towel scene… have fun! -throws on some 70's porn music- (can't wait for the results of the towel scene art contest i got goin' on LJ hahah)

oh, and yes, i upped this to M, because it only gets dirtier and stuff from here.

* * *

_Hold it, hold it. Tomorrow night? What are you talking about? A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation_ - The Blues Brothers.

(27)

It was Tuesday afternoon, I'd just gotten home from a crapload of overtime, my boss was being an asshole, I thought I saw a dark blue government sedan following me to McDonalds at lunch, and I stubbed my toe. And I seriously needed a long hot bath to sooth my aching shoulder. I don't know what the hell happened but it felt like I tore something…which, knowing my luck, I did. Thank goodness Bee was in the area and volunteered to drive me home, because honestly I really didn't want to bother with a cab.

"Can you inform Mikaela that I'm here?" The ever polite 'Bot asked when I got out. I was starting to get used to this driving around in sentient cars thing, but it still felt weird. I was very careful to shut the door lightly and not leave anything inside him, though it was hard when one was covered in flour.

Bee asked about the bruise on my head earlier and I had to wonder why Jazz didn't tell him what happened, though I was thankful. It was pretty fuckin' embarrassing, not to mention Bee was already a little afraid of my driving record. I told him the truth and the poor guy almost ran off the road. "Be thankful I'm not really driving you right now babe." I said, and he replied with "_Help!_" from the Beatles. The smart-ass.

He didn't say anything about my shoulder though I damn well knew he scanned me.

"Sure. You good out here or you wanna come in?"

"No, I'll just wait here."

With a parting pat on the gleaming yellow hood I ran inside, dropped my jacket and purse, almost fell to the siren call of my comfy couch, but the bathroom call was louder. I ran up the stairs and almost straight into Mikaela, who stood outside the closed… _what the fuck…_ bathroom door, impatiently tapping her feet.

"What… who's in there? Sam?" I banged on the door. "Get outta there man, I need a bath!"

"Oh keep yer panties on, woman, I'm almost done!"

That voice… was not Sam's. "JAZZ?!"

The door cracked open and steam floated out. Jazz's holographic face appeared in the crack, still covered in water droplets, grinning. I tried my damndest to keep my eyes on his face but… _Leadeth me not into temptation, I can find it myself…_

In the time it took him to wipe his face off with his forearm, I'd swept my gaze down what skin was exposed through the crack in the door… the long neck, the hint of wide shoulders and ripped chest, wet dreadlocks, darker nipple…was that a nipple ring? It was! It had a pendant too but I was too distracted by that lovely V-shape of his torso and the rippling abs and… a little white hand towel… _DAMNSHITFUCK!_

An elbow firmly dug into my ribs and I squeaked. Fucking sister.

"Hey girls!"

Reluctantly I ripped my eyes from the little white hand towel and that big hand holding it there and back up to those sparkling blue eyes. "Fff... whuh… towel."

_That was intelligent. Bravo!_

_Shutthefuckup._

"Yes please. This one's too small." He looked extremely happy. And damned if my eyes didn't go back down to check just how small the towel was.

It was very small. _PRAISE THE FLANNEL GODS_!

"Took you long enough." Mikaela chided, tossing a bath towel, unfortunately a big blue one, at him. The door swung open a little more and Jazz caught it with his free hand… and I saw the curve of a very VERY nice ass.

"Thanks Mouse."

"Don't call me that, and for god's sake, get dressed before Lena faints."

I'd have strangled her if it wasn't true. How the hell she remained so blasé about the whole thing was beyond my mushy little brain. _Jazz! Naked! Come on, are you a Banes or what?_

Jazz grinned widely and dangled the bigger towel in front of his junk, dropping the hand towel. Then he used his newly freed hand to tip my chin back up and shut my gaping mouth. "Shouldn't leave that open 'less yer gonna use it."

Mikaela snorted.

I didn't say a fuckin' thing. I couldn't if I wanted to. And Jazz damn well knew it too, the pimp. He just gave me this smarmy grin and let Mikaela shove him aside a little as she bowled her way into the bathroom with only a glib comment on his sexy ass.

With a backwards look at Mikaela, the holo bent over and plucked up the dropped hand towel. Mikaela redeemed herself in my eyes by not being able to resist the target and gave his butt a smack, but left him alone otherwise. Jazz on the other hand…

"Thank you ma'am, can I have another?"

"Oh get the hell outta here, Bee's waiting for me."

Jazz's voice went falsetto as he crooned, "Ooooh!"

"Shut up." With a grin she shoved him out into the hall and I had just enough sense to step back before we collided… not like that would have been a bad thing but… _maybe he'd have dropped the towel…_

He just went along easily, big goofy smile and all, and Mikaela slammed the door behind her. He still hadn't wrapped the towel around him, just leaving that big folded square to cover his goods. And I was still frozen and valiantly resisting the little voice in my said that said '_grab it!_'

Jazz started laughing. "Here." He handed me the little hand towel, which I slowly took without really realizing what it was. "You're droolin'."

I absently took in what he just said and discarded it, too focussed on that neat little mole on his left collarbone. But I sure as hell woke up when I felt a pair of soft lips press against my forehead and the brush of dangling wet dreads against my shoulders.

"Mmm. You smell like bread."

_Whu?_

By the time my mouth and brain coincided, Jazz was already walking down the hallway… _my my, a very nice ass, and… wow… shoulders… and did he just kiss my forehead? _I said the first thing that popped into my head that wasn't _'wanna see my mattress up close and _personal?'

"Why were you in the shower?"

Jazz stopped in his tracks, spun on his heel, dreads flinging water everywhere, and grinned widely. "Why not?"

_Good excuse as any… _

He turned and walked off again, belting out 'Walking on Sunshine' and wiggling his bare ass every time he sang the 'woooah!' part. I just stared after him, laughing like mad shit in my head but doing absolutely nothing physically, just watching that firm body skip down the hall and disappear around the corner to go downstairs.

As soon as that hot ass was out of sight, I finally blinked.

And was promptly hit in the face with the bath towel. Jazz's laughing face vanished around the corner again and I was left with the vision in my head of him tromping around my living-room ass-naked in front of the windows…

_Poor Bee._

I shook myself out of my trance in time to hear Mikaela wash her hands and open the bathroom door.

"Oh My God. Are you holding the crotch-towel? You're more hard up than I thought!"

Absently I eyed the little towel, still moist from… _oh gods… Jazz's hard naked … quit thinking about it…_ then decided to toss it at her, and as my aim was true, it got her right in the face.

"Eee! Skank!"

I shushed her real quick, hearing a voice other than Jazz's downstairs. Bee?

"For Primus' sake, put some clothes on before someone calls the cops." From here he sounded like some stuffy British professor and it made what he said sound so much funnier

"Awwww."

Bee scoffed. "Unless you WANT to show everyone how tiny you have your penis displayed."

Mikaela's eyes widened and we both dropped silently to the floor and began crawling toward the top of the stairs… just to… uhhh, get a better listen. Yeah.

"This is small?"

"Comparatively." Came the snide reply, then the sound of a zipper and a pair of jeans hitting the floor. Mikaela crawled forward a little faster and I had to smirk. _Oh yeah, she likes him_.

"THAT'S normal?"

"I think so. Sam won't look at it to tell me, but from my internet research this looks about right."

I had to cover my mouth with both hands so the giggles wouldn't escape and Mikaela's eyes widened even more. We started making 'you first' signals at each other, but neither of us dared…

_Waitaminute, I'm a Banes. I fucking well DO dare_! So for the sake of protecting my sister's innocence and in the name of science, I peeked.

…and they were both facing the window.

DAMN.

"Haven't you looked at his?"

"I don't go around peeking in on my charges when they're naked, Jazz."

"Why not? I do."

_What?! The perverted son of a…_ Mikaela came beside me and we gaped at each other, wondering just when did he… oh never mind, they were turning around… oh no, wait, they weren't. _Fucking teases._

"How's this?"

"Too big. You'll scare them off with that thing."

I tried to find another angle to see around the damn holos but… thwarted. Mikki tagged along behind me and we 'hid' behind the banister, flat on the ground. If they so much as looked over their shoulders they'd see us, but it was worth the risk.

"How would you know?"

"Ermmm…"

"You been cruisin' the porn sites again, Bee?"

"What else is there to do when Sam and Mikaela are in school?"

Mikaela and I shared a glance and a grin, and Mikaela made a rather rude gesture with her hand… like she was whacking off. I smacked her for almost making me giggle and give us away.

There was a strange sort of electronic crackling, and Jazz suddenly straightened. "How's this?"

Bee studied it for a moment, then nodded. "A little big, but not…frightening."

Jazz hopped in place and damned if I didn't hear a 'plop'. "Lookit this thing! Hee!"

And to our horror, he started shaking it around. 'plop plop plop plopplopplopplop'… after a few seconds Jazz collapsed in helpless laughter, and us girls were trying to crawl away so we could laugh too… but we were too damn weak from holding it in. I rolled instead, ignoring the twinges of pain my shoulder gave me… and almost made it back into the sheltered hallway when we heard Bee's not-surprised voice call out.

"It seems we have an audience."

_Shit!_

"Every Banes for herself." I patted my sister's head and made a break for the bathroom… which had a lock.

"What? No!" I slammed the door before she could get a foot in and her furious pounding just made me laugh harder, along with the not so subtle footsteps coming up behind her. "You! Lemme in you traitor!"

"Boo."

She squeaked. "Please tell me you have your clothes on."

From the safety of the locked bathroom I snickered. From the 'boo' I couldn't tell if it was Bee or Jazz… or both. Oh, poor Mikaela!

"Oh please, it's not like you ain't seen one before!"

"Hey!"

Bee cut in, "And if I'm not mistaken, you _were_ spying on us… hoping to catch a glimpse, were you?"

Mikaela's head hit the other side of the door. "It was Malena's idea!"

_WHAT?!_ "Horseshit!"

Bee laughed. "Come, Sam is waiting for us."

I heard retreating footsteps and Mikki calling out a threat of major bodily harm unto myself when she got back home before the front door shut and Bee's engine started up.

_Phew._

For the few minutes I had some peace and quiet, I drew a bath… then made sure the bathroom door was locked and any way to see in was blocked indubitably before I stripped down.

"I hear someone getting naaaaaked!"

_Groan_.

Of course he hadn't gone. The door shook as something hit it. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Makin' myself comfortable." Came from somewhere near the bottom half of the door. Must've been leaning against it.

"You gonna sit there the whole time?"

"Yup!"

_Groanagain_. I'd have to make this faster than I wanted. Damn it. _Just ignore him. Ignore that you have a likely butt-naked Autobot hologram sitting outside your bathroom listening to you bathe. _I slid carefully into the steaming hot water and hissed when it hit my shoulder. _Fuuuuuuuuck me did that hurt_.

"What was that?"

_Ummm…_ "Water was a bit too hot."

"Bullshit."

"Hey, you don't have a cooch to dip in hot water, now do ya? It hurts!"

Jazz laughed a little. "Cute, but not gonna work. What happened?"

_Stubborn… _"Left shoulder's a little sore is all. Don't worry about it."

A growl was heard.

"Oh don't get all pissy. It just needs a soak and it'll be fine."

A bit of grumbling, then, "Fine."

I stayed in there for a lot longer than I thought I would, til the water was lukewarm, and my shoulder felt a hell of a lot better. I still couldn't lift my arm too high or turn my neck completely, but it was better. And I no longer smelled like Whole Wheat Bread.

I showered quickly and left the bathroom to find Jazz still sitting there, this time facing the door with his arms crossed. And clothed. _Damn._

"Nice goodies."

I held in a snort. "Shut up."

I walked past him to my bedroom and went to shut the door but he shoved his way in.

"Dude!"

He looked me up and down, waggled his eyebrows, and said, "I see another one!"

_What? _

_Oh. The tat_. A Giant Squid from my 'I wanna be a marine biologist' days emblazoned on my right thigh. "Yup! Now go away so I can get dressed."

"Lemme see your shoulder first and I'll leave ya alone."

I couldn't argue, not with him standing there looking all stubborn like a fuckin' mule. He wouldn't budge. "Can I at least put some pants on first?"

He grinned. "No. Sit."

"I ain't six." I grumbled as I sat on the bed.

"Heh, I can tell." He gave me a cheeky grin and yanked the back of the towel down.

You know, any other time, I would have relished this opportunity. I'd just seen naked Jazz, and here I was, myself in a little towel, sitting on my bed, and my little sister was nowhere to be seen. I should have been happy! But soon a set of warm hands dug into the muscle and I had to hold back a scream.

"Ya gotta quit hurtin' yerself." He said with a sympathetic wince. "I'd hate to see what Ratchet'd do to ya if he saw ya in this condition."

"Oh, like I'm doing this on purpose?!" I hissed as a finger worked at what I hoped was a knot.

He massaged in silence for a moment though I could feel his irritation. "At least you didn't tear anything."

"Who needs Ratchet doggin' on me. I got YOU." I patted the hand that was rubbing my shoulder with a smile.

He sniffed. "Somebody has to!"

At least this time it was friendly. And once he got the knots out it was rather pleasant. I had to hold the towel on though or I'd be showin' him a little too much skin… not that it wasn't tempting, but honestly, there was that little voice in the back of my head that kept saying '_dude, he's a 14 foot robot from space, what the bloody hell would he want to do with a bitchy squishy liquid spewing organic chick, huh? Smarten up_.' That bit of self-doubt and practicality was the only thing that kept me from grabbing his dreads and checking to see if his holo-wang was too big, too small, or juuuust right.

I let out a giggle and Jazz stopped massaging. "What?"

I looked up at Mr. Boneable himself and shook my head. "I live an odd life."

Jazz grinned, then paused. "Hold on."

His eyes went that weird white-blue for a second, and then his grin grew. "It's about to get a whole lot weirder. Wheeljack's landing in an hour."

_Who?_

* * *

_Frenzy's plan was readily accepted and was currently being put into action. The one predicament they had run into was figuring out how to get all four of Soundwave's creations back to Tranquility while Soundwave himself and Barricade took off east. They'd solved that rather swiftly in realizing that Barricade was stuck on land. He would have to drive the entire way._

_So Soundwave was to take the quadruplets to Tranquility for Operation: Mayhem and Reconnaissance and he would likely arrive on the east coast of Canada around the same time Barricade did. Being a flier gave a mech an advantage, as Laserbeak liked to flaunt constantly. Frenzy still had to exact his revenge for the mud flinging stunt._

_They would leave in the morning, so that gave Frenzy just a few hours with his partner before they were separated again. And although Frenzy was used to being separated from the ones closest to him, it still made him a little nervous. This was a dangerous mission, for both parties, and his mind kept flashing images of Soundwave's sparking blackened corpse or even the annoying Rumble's jabbering cursing vocalizer shut forever. They might not all come back in one piece._

_So Frenzy spent as much time as he could with the half-slumbering Barricade, who was resting up for the long trip ahead. Granted it would take less time for him than a normal Earth vehicle to travel the distance, sirens notwithstanding, but it was still a hard drive and an even harder mission once they got there, so he needed the rest while he could. Frenzy didn't mind, he didn't need Barricade talking to him to enjoy his presence. They barely talked as it was. _

_For a while there, back in Tranquility, Frenzy was not sure if Barricade even liked him. His silence back then had been uncomfortable and when he did use his voice it was to chastise him for something. But since the disaster of Lord Megatron's resurrection and rapid demise, something changed. He didn't know what, but Barricade began treating him like…he was appreciated. Like a friend. It was rather nice. All the other mechs looked down on him and his brothers as if they were inexperienced young sparklings, but not Barricade. Despite how much Barricade tried to cover it up, Frenzy knew he was relieved when his head was reattached and his blue optics flickered, he felt it. _

_Curled now in Barricade's front seat, he purred. For all the Decepticon army hated the Squishies, Frenzy couldn't help but find some use in them… they came up with 'leather' seats, the most comfortable thing next to Soundwave's sheltered chest he could think of. Frenzy let his hands caress the seat in appreciation, thinking that it could possibly be the last time he enjoyed it._

_Barricade rumbled at the sensation. "What are you doing?"_

_Frenzy squeeked. "Ssssoft seats, Cadecade!" was his feeble slurred excuse. _

_The black and white muttered something that sounded like 'rugginmuggin' before twitching. "Make yourself useful then. I've got an itch under the driver seat."_

_Frenzy uncurled and skittered under, hanging on to the steering wheel with one hand and using the other to scratch the area under the seat. Barricade shuddered and Frenzy cackled. _

"_A little to the left." Frenzy followed instructions and Barricade groaned. "That has been bothering me for hours." _

"_You d-d-on't clean your int-t-terior enough, Cadecade." Frenzy opened the door and tossed out what looked like a bit of animal fur before giving the steering wheel a pat and resuming his curled position on the passenger seat._

"_That's what I have you for, glitch."_

_Frenzy started poking at Barricade's 'stereo' with his foot. "Careful, Cadecade, I can reprogram youryour radio to p-p-play nothing b-but human religious p-p-programs."_

"_You do and I'll tell Soundwave that you were the one who got Ravage tangled in the scrub."_

_Frenzy stopped his tinkering. "You wwwwouldn't."_

"_I would."_

"…_slagger."_

_The interior was silent for a few moments as the two mechs lost themselves in thought. Frenzy found himself thinking of that old human and the little rabbit carving he had still subspaced safely away from his brothers. Barricade would have to go without Frenzy's presence for a good while before they saw each other again, and while he'd never admit it aloud, Frenzy knew Barricade would…miss him, in a totally tough mech way, of course. The image of Barricade driving down a barren highway alone for days on end made the decision for him. Frenzy unsubspaced the little carving, and, with more than a little nervousness, placed it on Barricade's dashboard.. _

_It was a silly human superstition, but Frenzy liked it… a good luck charm and a little representation of Frenzy, so Barricade would not be totally alone. It was childish and strange, but Frenzy let it be. _

"_What the Pit is that?" Barricade could not see what was now peering out of his windshield casually smoking his pipe, so Frenzy told him about it, and the old man. The bigger Decepticon sounded genuinely surprised._

"_And he gave this to you?"_

_Frenzy nodded. _

"_And why is it now on my dashboard?"_

_Frenzy had to think of an excuse besides 'because it'll protect you!', or Barricade would eject him and have him scanned for infections. "Yyyyou keep it sssafe for Frenzy while he's gone, right?"_

_Barricade growled irritably. "It looks ridiculous there."_

_Frenzy blinked his optics rapidly and squeaked, "P-p-p-please?"_

_After a minute of grumbling, he agreed. "Fine. I will be the laughing stock of the Decepticon cause, but fine. I'll keep it safe for you. But you owe me."_

_Frenzy gave the dashboard a quick pet and slumped back down in the seat, victorious. "Name it."_

_Barricade thought for a moment, then laughed hatefully at whatever idea struck him. "Tell that human Malena Banes hello from me."_

_Frenzy's eyes widened, visions and plans of vengeance and pandemonium filling his head. The thought of getting one back for his partner for his harsh treatment at the hands of the elder Banes made him shriek in glee. "You g-g-got it, Cadecade!"_

"_Don't call me that."_

_They sat there again in companionable silence, both thinking of destructive and deadly things to do to the wicked human female, when Soundwave's monotone voice blared out of Barricade's speakers and inside Frenzy's head._

"_Autobot descending. Convene on my location immediately."_

_Barricade's engine roared to life and without question they sped to Soundwave's position, barely dodging trees and rocky outcroppings before skidding to a halt in front of him. Frenzy regrettably climbed out of Barricade's warm interior and looked up at his Creator. The others were all there already, Laserbeak perched on Soundwave's shoulder, Ravage circling his feet, and Rumble sitting on a nearby rock impatiently tapping his digits against his knee. _

"_Where were you hidin' at, spazzo?" Rumble greeted Frenzy with a light punch to the arm as he sat next to his brother. _

"_P-p-plotting."_

_Before he could expand Soundwave interrupted._

"_Autobot signal detected. Will make landfall in approximately one earth hour, one thousand kilometres southwest of our location, outside a human outpost. Designation: Climax."_

_Nothing but singing birds and shuddering leaves was heard… then Rumble smirked, Barricade scratched his head, and Ravage covered his eyes with a paw._

_Soundwave ignored the general atmosphere of suppressed humour amongst his troops and continued. "Interception: essential. Departure: immediate."_

"_Soundwave: stick up the aft." _

_Frenzy looked at his brother like he'd grown another four arms and Laserbeak took wing and landed on Rumble's head._

"_Get offa me, scrapheap!"_

_While Laserbeak continued to peck Rumble's head, Soundwave gave out instructions._

"_Barricade, proceed immediately. Laserbeak, desist. Frenzy, lend aid. Ravage, stop encouraging them."_

_Frenzy watched as Barricade made a show of not looking at the tangled three mini-mechs, nodding at Soundwave and transforming without question. Before Frenzy could even say goodbye or wave to his friend, he shot off with a spray of dirt and rock and disappeared around the tree line. Frenzy let out a sound of disappointment at the sudden desertion before he could stop himself, but the others did not seem to hear it. Thank Primus._

_While Frenzy helped detach Laserbeak from Rumble's head, he listened to his Creator's voice soothing him through their link. Soundwave understood Frenzy's bond to his partner and although he did not condone it completely, he gave him the leeway Frenzy needed to grieve the temporary loss. _

'He knows.'

_Frenzy knew Soundwave spoke truth, and it warmed him._ 'Thank you.'

"_Get your talons out of my circuitry you slag sucking earth turkey!"_

"_Apologize first."_

_Rumble swatted at Laserbeak but only clipped a wing. "Ahhh! Alright, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"_

_Laserbeak loosened his hold and looked at Soundwave expectantly._

"_Loyalty appreciated. Method…excessive." _

_Laserbeak sniffed haughtily and rejoined Soundwave, making himself comfortable on his shoulder again. "You're welcome."_

_Frenzy wondered if the four of them should ever be left alone together, and how long they'd last without their Creator to straighten them out. _

* * *

yes, Climax is a real town just southwest of where I live. LOL. I'm tempted to move there just so i can write it on envelopes and fill out forms. 'I live in Climax!' -facepalm-


	8. Chapter 28

Man I'm fried. Worky Worky, Stormy Chasy, No Sleepy. Blegh. And I'm trying to write a raunchy chapter and it's been biting me in the ass since, what, February? Updates be a hell of a lot slower now.

Much lovebumps guys.

* * *

_I don't believe it. It's that shitbox Dodge again!_ - The Blues Brothers

**(28)**

_Why am I even here? I'm no saviour of the world, I'm no politician, I'm no soldier, I'm just a bitch with a 'Bot in her house._ I looked around at the Mechs and all the 'Important People' around me and sighed, feeling just a little uncomfortable.

After Jazz said something about Wheeljack arriving tonight, I could barely keep him still. So I kicked him out of my room (which was decidedly difficult considering what I'd just seen) and took a quick nap. I didn't even get twenty minutes before I was quite literally glomped by an over-excited holoform babbling something about me coming along for the official meet & greet. Zoned out as I was I barely heard him, but was quickly shuffled along, forced to get dressed (I was smart…or dumb…enough to kick him out of my room again for that) and was practically shoved into Jazz's real-form.

I was more awake by the time we'd arrived and had actually started listening to his babbling. Apparently Wheeljack was 'pretty cool', and a brilliant inventor with a tendency to accidentally blow shit up, and could drive like nobodies business. And apparently, unlike the others here on Earth, he could fly a little. "You'll love him!"

"I'm sure I will." I patted Jazz's steering wheel. He was so excited about this I could feel him vibrating through the seat, and the happy music playin' through the stereo was a HUGE clue. I could see why though. Even if they weren't good friends (and they were from the sounds of it), it'd be nice for him to see other Cybertronians other than the guys he showed up with. I could only imagine how lonely it would be for these guys being the only five of their species on the planet, not counting the Decepticons, who were bastards anyways. If I were in his proverbial shoes I'd be the same way.

As soon as we got to the projected landing sight I was promptly ejected and got to watch my boy transform into a bouncy smiling silver clump of giddiness, and it was infectious as hell. Not only did he glomp Bumblebee, but Ironhide too, which was entertaining to watch as Ironhide wasn't exactly, well, the glompable type. But amazingly enough he took it in stride having a silver mech attached to his leg like a giant sock, and only threatened a light 'pistol-whipping' if he didn't get off.

Then Ratchet and Prime showed up with the Secretary of Defence and Simmons in tow. Lennox, Sam and Mikaela were already here, the latter perched on a rock trying to get some last minute studying in while they waited, and failing miserably, especially when Keller and Simmons were booted out of Prime's cab and the big Leader transformed. Why they bothered bringing their textbooks I couldn't say.

I made myself scarce, finding a rock not too far away but nicely out of the immediate line of sight to sit on. It was cool just to sit there and watch them all interact, even Simmons got into the spirit of things, talking and gesturing wildly with his hands and eyes and his head tilted _wayyyy_ up to look at Prime. Mikaela and Sam were swiftly brought into the chaos and greeted by Keller like they were old friends, and Simmons shook Sam's hand.

It was kind of cool to watch them from a distance. This way I wasn't in the middle of the chaos and could take the entire thing in. Simmons was acting pretty cool, and it didn't seem like the behavioural change was for the benefit of the Autobots either. I think the sort of scientist in him was excited at the prospect of another 'NBE' that he didn't have to keep frozen. Keller himself was a fairly funky looking individual for a politician. I could tell even from here the man had seen and done things that a lot of us probably wouldn't, and he made decisions that could affect the entire country… he had an interesting face to prove it too. Seemed like the type of dude I could listen to talk for a long time.

"What're ya doin' over here by yerself?"

I leapt at the voice in my ear and held in a surprised scream. _Goddamn sneaky little bastard_.

Jazz was crouched behind me, grinning wide, visor up and optics sparkling. I didn't have the heart to give him shit for scaring me, so I just told him I was watching.

"Watchin'? Ya sure yer just not hidin' from Legs?"

I dropped my head into my hands and groaned. "You're never gonna let me live that down, are ya?"

Jazz shook his head. Ever since I told Prime he had nice legs, Jazz'd been razzing me about it. I was mortified at myself for saying that when I first met him. The dude was, like, the robotic Dalai Lama with a cannon. It felt almost sacrilegious to tease a dude like that. It'd be like giving Buddha a wet willy: Just Not Right.

That and the big fucker still scared the shit out of me. Noble, Heroic, the epitome of Inspiration and Honour… I couldn't go near him. It was almost like… I'd dirty him just by being around. He was intimidating as hell without even needing to be.

I watched the giant blue and red Mech and the little human Keller separate from the group and go off to speak in relative privacy as Jazz settled on the ground next to my rock, elbows on knees, and joined in the watching.

Ironhide and Ratchet, Lennox and Mikaela were in another small group laughing about something. Bee, Sam and Simmons were in an uncomfortable little cluster, sober-looking yet….wait…Bee and Simmons just shook hands (or, well Simmons shook his finger). Simmons smiled as if relieved. Was that an accepted apology? Sam looked a little reluctant but he stood by Bee. It was cute how protective little Sam was over Big Bumblebee. I didn't even think the big mech knew it either.

"Didja hear that?" Jazz sounded a little astonished.

I laughed. "Hun, I'm not the one with the fine tuned audio receptors, but I think I got the gist."

"And I think I know why you like watchin'."

"Repressed voyeurism bolstered by anthropological study?"

"Nice excuse."

"Thank you." I winked.

Jazz winked back (which was still a little weird, it was more a dimming of an optic than a wink), then wrapped his big left hand around my waist and set me against his arm and shoulder, so I was sort of cradled between it and the rest of his body. I felt like a toddler getting' hauled around my it's mom, but I had to admit he was warm and comfortable, despite all his pointy bits. And I didn't even mind that he didn't ask me first either. That was Mikaela's peeve. Anyway, how could I be all mad when I got to be all snugly with a warm sleek silver mech who vibrated a little all the time?

We sat there like that for a while, watching the groups of mechs and humans crumble and reform, talking hardly at all to each other, just listening. From all the late nights, early mornings, and the soothing hum of Jazz's systems, I started to nod off, allowing my head to rest against some plating that hopefully wouldn't yank my hair out if he so much as moved.

Even when somebody's heavy footsteps crushed the rocks nearby I didn't stir. I was in that happy place between awareness and the dream-world and DAMMIT I was going to stay there a while.

"Is she alright?" said a voice from fairly close, but still above.

"Yeah, Prime, she's just tired. Works too damn hard."

I was awake enough to mumble a "Do not" protest, and snuggled deeper into his shoulder and tried to ignore them. I got shaken a little in retaliation and that happy half-asleep feeling seeped away. "Nnnngh… you suck."

"Y' love me."

I glared up at those mischievous blue optics and growled. "I'd love you more if you let me sleep."

A second, much larger pair of blue optics shifted and shone above us and I finally got the guts to acknowledge Optimus Prime. Sure, I didn't hide behind someone's leg when he was around anymore, but he was still intimidating. He gazed down at us with a small smile, and it was really difficult for me to resist the urge to call him 'Legs' and then run like the wind. So instead I just smiled back at the big mech and waved as nonchalantly as I could muster.

"Malena Banes, it's good you came."

I hated it when he addressed me like that. But good gods, is it possible to have a crush on someone's voice? Cause his was amazing. It made me blush. But it also made me call up what small reserves of civil speech I had left and NOT call him 'Legs' like I wanted.

"Honoured to be here." I almost added 'Sir'. I still didn't know _why_ I was here but I wasn't about to ask either.

He leaned down closer so we were nearly face to face, and I felt very small… Wasn't even as tall as this dude's head.

"Jazz says you are working too much."

_Great, I'm in for an Optimus Prime-style Nagging_. I headed him off as best I could. "Jazz is a worry-wart."

I could tell Prime was confused at the expression but he got the general idea. Jazz on the other hand…

"I'm not th' one workin' double shifts."

I poked Jazz in the neck. "I don't start that til tomorrow."

"Don't get enough sleep as it is." He grumped.

"Cause you keep waking me up!"

Prime shook his head at our childish bickering. "You two sound like Ratchet and Ironhide. I just hope I won't have to remind you to behave in front of official company."

I couldn't help myself. "He started it."

"Did not."

Prime spoke again, "Miss Banes…"

I cut him off (stupid of me, yes, but…), protesting. "Please, PLEASE, just call me Malena. The 'Miss' thing is too… formal." Next they'd be kissing my hand like true gentlemen and opening doors for me…

"Malena then..." Prime leaned just a little closer, like he was going to tell me something secret, and I tilted my head. "If he bothers you overmuch, I give you permission to let the air out of his tires."

"Hey!"

"And disconnect the oil plug."

"Docility through fluid loss?" I grinned.

"Exactly."

"You wouldn't…" Jazz didn't look too happy, looking back and forth between me and Optimus.

Prime just chuckled deeply, rose back to his full height and rejoined the group, but not before casting a glance over his shoulder at me and Jazz bickering again.

"Quit gigglin', squishy." Jazz's arm squeezed me little in mock irritation.

"Make me, tiny."

"I'll show you 'tiny'."

I grinned, "Oh, I'm sure you will…"

He got the reference and I found myself plopped back onto my rock with a growl, Jazz ready to pounce. "Why you…"

The ground beneath us began to rumble and the air seemed to thicken and heat up, a loud thunder-like roar overtaking everything. "Holy sh…" I cried out as I nearly slipped off the rock, scrambling for purchase where I could find it and rode the trembling out.

Jazz was looking up into the sky at the steadily growing ball of fire coming straight for us, smiling wistfully, "Ol' boy's comin' in low again."

"He's early!"

As the ball of fire shot over our heads, the humans cheered and the Autobots all revved engines in celebration, but the racket died down as the flaming descender missed his targeted landing site and flew into the nearby hills, hit with a resounding bang, bounced, and slammed into a cove of trees.

**BOOM…BOOM…**_**Crunch!**_

The silence was deafening. I swear I heard crickets.

Then Jazz twitched, buckled, fell to his knees and laughed his little silver ass off. Soon Ironhide was heard in the distance bellowing laughter and Ratchet was cussing up a blue streak. Bee was leaping around squeaking and playing '_Click Click Boom_' and Optimus Prime just hung his head and sighed.

Between wheezing laughs, Jazz managed to squeeze out "Motherfucker always has ta make an entrance!"

Needless to say, everyone who could transform did and those who couldn't got comfortable in their interiors, and we were off to assess the damage. The entourage didn't have to go far to find the scorched trail or the strangely coloured smoke of the new mech's landing. Prime naturally was the first up and transformed while the rest of us waited til he gave us say-so. Jazz was unusually quiet, but he was still trembling a little.

"You okay?"

Jazz's trembling subsided a little, and he replied, "Always get a lil' nervous when Wheeljack explodes."

_In case one time he doesn't get back up again? _I patted the door handles and seat encouragingly, staring out the window. "It didn't sound healthy, that's for sure. But I'm sure he's fine, cause from what you tell me he blows himself up all the time and comes out grinning. And if he's not, Ratchet's here."

Jazz rumbled and the seat seemed to soften a little so I sunk in deeper, and the belt he insisted on having around me whenever I was inside him tightened just a little. It felt nice, like a bit of a hug. I smiled and made myself comfortable.

The tension flew out of him when a couple trees were pushed aside and the new guy emerged. I'd only seen one of these guys without their armour, Soundwave, but this guy looked vastly different. Where Soundwave was all jagged edges and super-sharp planes, Wheeljack was smoother, and lighter toned. His movements were fluid as he stepped out into the open, picking something out of his shoulder joint with what I could only interpret as frustration… and he had blinking lights on his shoulders… which were currently flashing a dull orange._ Heh, neat. _Just watching the guy move filled me with child-like excitement.

As he cleared the trees and finally got the splinter out of his shoulder (Splinter my ass, that was a sapling!), he seemed to finally notice the cluster of welcomers, and the strange lights on his shoulders bled from dull orange to a bright flickering blue, his strange eyes seemed to brighten and he threw his arms out wide. Prime stepped forward and Wheeljack started chattering in Cybertronian and practically hugged the big Leader.

It seemed Bee couldn't hold back any longer, promptly ejecting his startled passengers, transforming, and rushing over to where the two mechs were entangled, and leaping right onto the new mech. Wheeljack stumbled back a step and Prime laughed. The rest of the bots seemed to take that as their cue, ejecting their passengers as well and transforming.

It was like watching a long lost family reunite, how Bumblebee would barely leave Wheeljack's side, Jazz practically climbing him, Prime watching the entire thing with that little smile of his… and of course Ironhide had to clap the fragile protoform on the back and send him stumbling again, resulting in Ratchet telling him off and cuffing him upside the head, then giving Wheeljack a scan and what sounded like chewing him out… Just like Thanksgiving dinners!

The human contingent stayed well back from the mechs, sort of milling about chatting quietly and watching the family get reacquainted. We were all curious but I'd be damned if I'd interrupt this for my petty questions, and it seemed to be the same with the others. Mikaela stood by me and we watched as Wheeljack greeted everyone, fascinated by his unarmoured form. It was neat, there were no discernable Earth-like motor things on him, gears that were visible were very obviously not a human creation, and his face was funky… like Bumblebee, he didn't have a mouth, but a plate like Optimus in battle mode crossing the lower half of his face. I wondered if it retracted, or if it was permanent. His eyes were extremely expressive though, and easily interpreted. Alien or not, eyes were the windows to the soul, and it seemed Wheeljack's soul was extremely happy right now.

I don't know when the staticky sounds of their language died out and ours seeped in, but the human group suddenly found themselves the centre of the new mech's attention.

He was flanked by all the Autobots, and had knelt in the rocks and grass and leaned down close to Secretary Keller. Keller, to his credit, didn't go run screaming into the night like my primary instinct told me to, but faced the Autobot proudly and professionally, cleared his throat and held out his hand. The mech tilted his head to the side, as if thinking, then reached out and took the tiny human's hand between a couple fingers and shook vigorously. Poor Keller was taken for a bit of a ride but made it through alright, merely smoothing his hair back and grinning widely at the new mech, whose shoulder-lights blushed pink.

"Oh geez, sorry about that."

Wheeljack's first words to the human race was an apology. That said a lot. Keller waved it off and shrugged, "An easy mistake, considering our size differences."

Wheeljack ducked his head but his face seemed to project a bit of a smile, the corners of his eyes sort of scrunching. They were much like Prime's in their detail. He got over his embarrassment pretty quick and looked around at the rest of us. Sam's eyes were as big as dinner plates, shiny, and naturally the mech found it fascinating, ducking down really close to the poor boy and scanning him thoroughly.

"So, these are the organics, huh?"

He seemed to pick up our 'slanguage' fairly quick and already utilized it in his speech, and I found it quite endearing.

Didn't mean I wasn't going to back off and duck behind my sister though.

Wheeljack poked Sam in the chest and sent the boy back a couple of steps. "Hey!"

"Optimus there said you were the one that took down Megatron." Wheeljack bent to get a better look at the boy. "Cool. Good on you! Served him right, dismissing your species like that."

"Uhh, yeah. Thanks. I think."

The giant held out a finger. "Wheeljack."

Sam, whose balls sometimes impressed me, didn't hesitate to take it even after the ride the SecDef got. "Sam Witwicky."

Wheeljack shook a lot lighter this time. "Honoured to meet you, kid." He looked around at the rest of us, finally settling on Mikaela and I. "Oooh! Are those females?"

I pushed Mikaela forward and Wheeljack eagerly snatched her right off the ground. I got the look of death before she turned it onto the new mech, and to each and every sniggering Autobot. I could hear her growl building and apparently it fascinated Wheeljack.

"Obviously the more aggressive of the species, but so soft! Oh, are those mammary glands? Do they produce milk like the other organics on this planet? Can I see?"

By now I was on my knees in the dirt laughing so hard tears were streaking my cheeks. Wheeljack was a boob man!

"NO!" Mikaela crossed her arms across her chest and wriggled to get free. Unfortunately Wheeljack's hands were big enough to keep her encased rather efficiently. Though he was only a couple feet taller than Bumblebee, he had rather large long hands.

"My friend, I recommend you put her down. Ratchet has been training her to be a medic, and you know what he's like." Bumblebee recommended, taking mercy on the seething teenager in the scientist's grasp.

"Watch it youngling…" growled Ratchet.

Wheeljack ignored them all, too entranced with the struggling girl. It'd be cute if it wasn't so… no wait, it was cute. Of course, I'd have a completely different opinion if it was me up there getting my boobs prodded by a giant alien… wait, maybe not. Depended on the alien.

_Aaaaaaaand you're insane._

_No shit_.

"Put me down. Right now. Or I swear on God, Primus and all the deities in the universe that I will weld your slaggin' ass to the nearest dump truck and let you drag!"

The new guy winced, but put her down, gently. "Feisty too. I like her! Wow. This planet's so full of contradictions already!"

"Wheeljack, please." Prime interrupted before Mikaela could really start in on him. "Ask first before picking up the humans. They generally don't like it."

He was so full of innocent curiosity and giddy interest that I couldn't get mad at him or offended for the sake of my sister. Mikaela on the other hand was PMSing and grouchy. Sort of. But, as a Banes, she switched personalities in the blink of an eye and her expression softened at Wheeljack's bowed shoulders.

"It's alright, Wheeljack. I'd be picking up the locals too if I were you. Hell, you should see me when I find an interesting bug!"

That was true, when she was younger I couldn't stop her if I tried if she saw some weird bug, she'd go diving into a creek to get a better look. Cleaning her up afterwards was hell. And she stunk.

"Well, you people are not 'bugs', and I should have thought about it first before I went and snatched you up like that. I apologize." He placed her gently on her own two feet and ducked his head.

He sounded so thoroughly depressed and chided that Mikaela immediately forgave him. "Hey, don't worry about it. Come on, everyone fu… makes mistakes once in a while." She put a hand on his leg and looked up at him. "If you're really that curious, I'll answer some questions later, okay?"

Jazz glided to my side, watching Mikaela with a bit of a proud gleam in his optics.

"She almost said 'fuck'." I whispered. Jazz giggled.

"Yer rubbin' off on her."

I lifted my chin proudly and grinned.

The party officially started when Wheeljack started picking on Simmons a little, somehow knowing what he and Sector Seven did to Bumblebee, and made little 'suggestions' of dissecting him to see how he worked. Jazz told me quietly that he'd never do anything like that (that was more Perceptor's gig, whoever the hell that was…) but nonetheless wanted to get his point across. Simmons took it as well as he could, stating snidely that he'd never seen a naked Autobot before and that he expected him to be… bigger. I had to give it to him; the little bugger had a smart mouth.

Mikaela sidled up to me about an hour in, poked me in the ribs and muttered, "Noticed you were nowhere to be found back there…"

I grinned, "Hey, you're Liaison Girl. I'm just here for the show."

I was eventually introduced to the new guy and we ended up debating on an alt-mode for him. Naturally he'd have to take a temporary one til he got back to base but I made a couple suggestions he said he'd look into.

I didn't get to talk to him much longer before it was decided that they should get moving before they were spotted by someone, and although I really wanted to chat some more with the new guy, I had to get my ass home. Thankfully Jazz agreed to drive me before going back to the base.

Wheeljack had the misfortune of having to curl up and let his legs dangle out of Ironhide's bed til they could get to a road and pick a disguise. Lennox took in the scene and started laughing so hard that the big bitchy Weapons Specialist just grumbled and took off without him.

He ended up having to mooch a ride off of Ratchet.

Prime had transformed and opened his doors for Keller, when Simmons, halfway into his cab, suddenly brought up something that I'd completely forgotten about.

"Hey, weren't there supposed to be two of you?"

The silence after five engines cut off in shock said more than Ironhide actually vocalized.

"SLAG!"

* * *

"_Autobot located. Converge on my location."_

_Frenzy cackled one last time at his twin brother, who was currently clinging to the highest elm branch he could find while a 250 pound Rottweiler growled and frothed underneath him. _

"_See? He's callin'. Now you _gotta_ help me you asshole!"_

'_Rumble's already picked up Earth swears…' Frenzy thought, then shrugged, snuck up behind the canine, and shocked it right in the aft. The dog leapt about two feet in the air before pounding away whimpering, stubby tail doing it's best to hide between the legs but not quite succeeding._

"_About time you slaggin' waste of metal!"_

"_Sh-Should have left you up there, in-g-grategrate."_

"_Shaddap and lets get moving before Soundwave reformats us into drones… like him."_

_He hated it when Rumble down-talked their Creator. He didn't mean any of it, but it was still hurtful. Frenzy gave him a cuff upside the head before running off to join the others._

_They had been in this town called Climax for over two hours, and had found nothing until Soundwave told them he had found the protoform hiding in an alley. Soundwave had said he had the newly crash-landed Autobot trapped._

_Apparently he did not._

_Frenzy couldn't read him anywhere, scans showed nothing. Hidden in a tree he peered around him, through and between the houses, around trees, scanning every single vehicle, and couldn't spot him._

'Soundwave, where is he?"

_He felt the irritation flow through their bond, but the determination was bigger. _'Location unknown. New tactic required, law enforcement officials approaching.'

_Rumble barged into the bond-conversation as well_, 'Oh really, ya think?' _The sirens were loud enough to rival Barricade's and Frenzy had to agree with his brother, though he could have worded it differently._

_Soundwave didn't appreciate it much, but knowing him he'd get his vengeance later._

_The five of them backed off to hide inside what the humans called a Parkade… Frenzy scanned the place thoroughly, if there was one place an Autobot could hide well in, it'd be this. Five levels of cars, all kinds of them. But he found nothing._

"_If he's already taken an earth disguise he'll be next to impossible to locate and destroy without drawing undue attention." Ravage hissed to me, sticking his claws in the nearest tire and purring when it popped. _

_Laserbeak circled and landed on Soundwave's shoulder as he crouched between two cars and watched the pigs disperse to search out the wreckage. Whoever the Autobot was, he put up one frag of a fight. It was not often that someone could escape Soundwave once he zeroed in on them, but this one did. Didn't mean Frenzy respected him any more though. He was, after all, an Autobot. _

_Ravage crept out and looked over the cement barriers keeping his view blocked. "These organics are tiny and weak. May I catch one and play?"_

"_Negative."_

"_But…"_

"_No."_

_Ravage grunted and slinked off._

_Frenzy skittered up to his Creator and put a hand on his foot. "What do w-w-weeee do now?"_

_Soundwave thought a moment. "Depart."_

_The four symbiotes yelped in surprise. "WHAT?!"_

"_The Autobot's communications are disabled and he is trapped in his Terran camouflage, vulnerable. He is no threat to the mission now."_

"_B-b-but you said _this_ mmmmission was imp-p-perative!"_

"_Yeah! And I wanna slag an Autobot!"_

_The others just nodded in agreement, but Soundwave was adamant. "Negative. Primary mission secure. All other priorities secondary."_

"_Then we flew out here for nothin'?"_

_Soundwave's left index finger twitched. That was the closest thing he'd ever show as to the extent of his irritation. Frenzy smacked Rumble before he could get himself off-lined._

"_Shut up, f-f-fragger."_

"_The Autobot is cut off from the rest of its unit now. He is no threat to either mission." Laserbeak reasoned, and Soundwave gave a near imperceptible nod._

_They remained quiet, observing the humans scuttle around trying to find the source of all the destruction, finding nothing. Frenzy already missed the people near Deception Lake; they seemed much more reasonable, not so… skittish… It took about an hour before Soundwave felt it safe enough to leave their temporary shelter and sneak to the edge of town, where it was safe to transform and take off. Had they done it in the city, it surely would have caught more attention. Soundwave was good at sneaking around, but starting up his jets in the middle of an urban centre surely would have drawn the human authorities, not to mention Autobot interest. _

_He took to the air quickly, with all his creations tucked snugly around/inside him, and made for Tranquility. Frenzy really couldn't wait to land, he had plans… the anticipation for some action nearly made him giddy._

_He wondered how Barricade was faring…_

* * *

_As the Communications Officer and his symbiotes took to the air, a medium sized blue SUV finally felt he was safe enough to pull out of the parking lot he was hiding in and start exploring. He'd already taken diagnostic measurements on himself and done what little self-repairs he could, but there was no way he could fix his communications, and apparently he was stuck in his alt-mode. Which wasn't so bad, really. Even in a panic he'd chosen something that suited him completely, after making some minor changes, of course. The colour was perfect, and the vehicle itself was designed so specifically that the Autobot loved every bit of it. It was like it was created just for him and his ideals. _

_He drove slowly down an urban street, excitedly scanning each and every living thing along the way, resisting pulling over and somehow getting them into his cab so he could get a closer look. The dominant species themselves were fascinating, but everything else? Whoa… he could have blown a gasket just thinking about it. Everything was riddled with life, energy…_

'_Oooh, what's this?'_

_A fairly large structure, surrounded by flowers, and filled to the brim with… old humans! The Autobot fell to temptation and parked nearby, just to watch for a while. He knew he should be working on contacting the other Autobots, especially Wheeljack, but really, what could he do right now? He could sit here and study these old humans for a while, let his self-repairs do their thing, and just go with it for a while. See what happened._

_Apparently old humans liked to sit outside and stare at things. The Autobot was just something else for them to look at, and it made him distinctly uncomfortable. Especially when a darker-haired old female wrapped in a flower-decal dress came over to him faster than he'd thought she'd be able to move, circled him once, whistled and…_

"_Whoa man, nice ass!" _

…_squeezed his aft._

* * *

…yes I put the lights on his shoulders. No way in hell am I giving him flashy head-fins. Why? -shrug- I just can't see it in my head. Don't KNOW why. and no, i ain't tellin' ya who the newbie in Climax is.


	9. Chapter 29 Beatings and Paging

-huggles everyone-

Time for getting' a little more dirty. :D

* * *

"_I got a feeling that behind those jeans is something wonderful just waiting to get out_." - Boogie Nights

**(29)**

_I swear, if one more guy grabs my ass tonight he's going through the wall. Job bedamned. _I dodged yet another drunken grabby hand, neatly avoiding dropping my tray of shots on an innocent table full of Bachelorette Party girls, and zoomed away.

I was beyond tired, beyond frustrated. By the time Jazz'd dropped me off at home the night before it was nearing 11, and with very little actual sleep the morning shift at the prebake warehouse was all the harder. Then I had time only for a quick dash home between shifts, a microwaved slab of pizza, then off to work again til 2 am. The house was empty, Mikaela and Jazz likely at the Autobot base hanging with the new guy, which I didn't mind, but… I don't know. I think coming home to an empty silent 'house' messed me up a little, for a minute there I was a little lonesome and the feeling stuck. It put me in a fouler mood to realize how wussified I'd gotten over the past few weeks. Alone? So what? East coast education away from everything I knew, overseas excursions, and I was feeling alone NOW?! _Banes, you are the biggest pussy in all pussydom._

The dodging of perverts had been going on for the past three hours. I'd not even gotten 20 feet into the bar tonight when some sleazebag sidled up and threw out his worst pickup line, and it all went downhill from there. I didn't know whether to blame this shit on the full moon or just testosterone, but it was getting downright ridiculous. Not to mention the ludicrous mini-skirt I had to borrow from Mikaela cause all my clothes were dirty. _Ugh. _My ass was not made to fit in a scrap of fabric this small.

Then… out of some evil whim of the gods and their desire to torment me, some asshole put that goddamn "Baby Got Back" song on the jukebox. Naturally all the guys in the joint sought out booty to slap/fondle and I was the only one out on the floor at the moment.

_Fan-fucking-tastic_.

Concluding that my ass couldn't take much more punishment this evening (not even the fun kind, either!), I stubbornly set down my tray on the nearest empty table, pulled a chair over and plopped down on it, defeating the many leering men instantly.

Along with the general scent of too much testosterone and a lot of booze, I had this weird feeling in my gut that I was being watched a little too closely, and not by some drunken wanker either. Someone with a keen eye was watching, and was not happy. My 'eek' radar was on full and I was getting that paranoid clench in my gut…

I kept telling myself over the past week or so that I should have told Jazz and Mikaela about that government car that was tailing me… I just, well, kept forgetting. I'd been busy, so sue me. If it was one of those assholes watching me now, well, they'd get a whole lot of nothing information-wise out of tonight besides that I sometimes can't remember who got what drink.

Thankfully, the song eventually ended (as did the horrid singing by half the patrons) and I felt it was safe enough to get off my chair… and ran straight into that sleaze from earlier. By now he'd had a lot more booze to bolster his 'courage' and about half a dozen buddies urging him on. I could smell the whisky on him and the undertone of not enough deodorant and a lot of garlicky food covered with too little cologne… I barely held back a gag.

He oozed drunken machismo with a half-opened shirt and grubby fake-toothed grin, and I wondered what the hell he did to have to wear dentures at his age. With his cheerleading squad backing him up he seemed to think I'd have changed my mind about wanting to see his 'hairy wiener'.

I had not.

"Come on darlin', you and me, that corner over there…" He gestured to a dark corner near the slot machines.

"Sir, I'd rather have a dog fart in my face than look at you any longer then I'm being paid to."

That didn't even faze him. "What if I paid ya a lil' extra, hmmm?"

_Ohhhkay_… one thing to be hit on, a whole other thing being propositioned like a cheap hooker. Then, next thing I knew, I had two large dirty hands on my ass and a flubbery body pressed against me… and I snapped.

I don't even know how I did it, or when, but one second he was squeezing my ass, the next I had twisted out of his grasp, a handful of his hair in my right hand and his balls in the other, and without even thinking about it, slammed his head into his buddy's table. I didn't even realize I did it til it was done… then thought '_to hell with it, might as well keep going'_.

Feeling quite a bit out of my mind, I leaned down over him and whispered right in his ear, "You were saying?"

"Bitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, don't think I heard that quite right." I tightened my grip in both places, listened to him squeal for a moment, lifted the dude's head and slammed him face first into the table again, knocking three bottles and an empty glass off. "Now, would you care to repeat that?"

"Fuck dude, just say you're sorry!" one of his buddies cried, desperately holding his glass of beer out of head-slamming range, but staring at me like I'd targeted him next. Man, if they weren't too drunk to stand straight and taken by surprise I'm sure I'd be nothing but goo on the floor by now.

The Sleaze tried to apologize, he really did… but when he opened his mouth to say something, instead of words spilling forth, what looked like a keg's worth of whisky and who-knows-what else came burbling out. The guys abandoned the table with rather unmanly bleating sounds of disgust and the bouncer, who'd finally joined the party, backed off from the smell.

Not feeling one bit guilty about this, and disliking the prospect of getting vomit on my shoes, I shoved the injured and puking man away and off the table.

_I'm so fired._

_But MAN that felt good!_

The dull thud of him hitting the wood floor bumped me out of my little rage-induced episode and I nervously looked about the room, only to see a few smiling faces, a few shocked, the Bachelorette Party girls clapping, and one or two dudes with their beer mugs raised in the air. Smokey was cheering, only the manager looked truly pissed off… until I saw his lips wriggle as if he was trying not to laugh.

More than a little embarrassed at my own lack of control but with nothing else to lose, I swung my arms out wide and stated, "And that's the end of this evening's entertainment. Next week I stand on my head and juggle buffalo. Be there!"

Then I took a bow, grabbed my tray and sat down at the bar near Maxie to await my punishment.

Mick the bouncer joked that I just made his job obsolete as he lugged the now half-unconscious asshole up and towards the door, where his friends finally showed up and took him the rest of the way out of the bar.

It took a minute or two for the joint to calm down, then Eddie the manager came over and slowly took a seat in the stool next to me. I looked up at him semi-guiltily but didn't say a word. He didn't either. He merely pushed over a shot glass full of something green and strange-smelling and nodded. I took it, drank it, and slammed the empty glass on the table.

"Congratulations, you beat up your first customer. Welcome to the team."

Eddie grinned at my slack-jawed surprise and walked off laughing. I'd looked back down at the empty shotglass and grinned when his whisky-grated voice floated out from the distance again. "Oh, but next time let Mick do his job. That's what I pay the big meathead for."

"Oi! I heard that you asshole!"

Eddie spun on one heel and pointed at Mick. "And now someone's walking home tonight." He said in a girly falsetto.

Mick shrivelled immediately. "I'm kidding!"

* * *

An hour later and I finally got my smoke break. I dropped my tray with a tired groan and a sympathetic smile to Smokey, who out of the two of us probably got groped more than I did. Guys liked red-heads better, unfortunately for her. At least the jerks laid off us since… well, since I showed them what happens when you piss off the staff. Maxie told me Smokey literally chucked one out the back door last year, which cleared up the whole 'Welcome to the team' thing… everyone lost it at least once during their employment, now Eddie's gotten used to it. If he fired everyone who'd bitch-slapped a patron he'd have no workers!

Smokey cracked her back and sighed. "Break?"

"Yeah…"

"Heh, take a lil' extra, I'll cover your tables." She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and waved me out. "Least I can do."

I grinned sheepishly at her and nodded. "Thanks Smokey."

Some dude started yelling for service and with a theatrical eye-roll she spun and yelled, "What? What do _you _want?" before disappearing into the fray. I stacked the last of the shotglasses and shook my head. _Definitely gotta get her out to a Girls Night_.

Left alone at the ass end of the bar, I bent over the little swingy door thing to get at my jacket and dug around the inside pocket for my smokes, desperate to get away from the leers of the pervs and get some fresh air. I got a couple wolf-whistles and yet again regretted borrowing this stupid fuckin' skirt. How Mouse could wear these goddamn things was beyond me, I felt practically naked with the air on my thighs like this. At least the pervs were smart enough not to come up and try anything after I thumped the Sleaze.

Or so I thought.

A pair of large warm hands crept onto and latched to my hips, squeezing just a little. In the position I was in right now, it was enough to get another round of cheers from the table full of jocks and a round of lifted glasses from the truckers.

I felt that hot rage building again and my body tensed for another round of 'teach the drunk manners', when the rest of a large warm body made itself known by bending and pressing it's entire length against my back. I couldn't move if I wanted to… and I suddenly didn't want to when the smooth-as-silk voice of a familiar friend whispered directly into my ear, "Come on my girl, put on a good show for the people…"

I knew what he meant immediately, and with a grin, I stood, with him still pressed hard against my back, and grabbed his hands to pull them more tightly around me. "Hey gorgeous."

My inner voices decided that now was a good time to start arguing with each other.

_Wonder how long he's been here? _

_Obviously long enough to have seen the fight… otherwise he wouldn't be doing this._

_Oh yeah he would. He'd do it anyway. Why? Cause he's NUTS._

The 'man' behind me purred and nuzzled into my hair. _Gods, I know this is play and all, but…mmmmm_. Getting into the spirit of the game, I let go of one of his hands and caressed his caramel-toned cheek, shifting my face up so I could get a good look at him.

Jazz was smouldering hot with half his dreads tied back and that blazing blue set of eyes and… holy…I don't know how the hell he did it, but… guh… with a simple shift of a black eyebrow, he projected to everyone in the room very clearly, "Mine."… and somehow, he made it dead fucking sexy. There was nobody on this planet that could get away with such a claim, nobody _owned_ me, but…wow. I knew it was stupid as soon as I thought it, knowing it was a game to him, but goddamned if I didn't want him to mean it, even for a minute. In jest, it was hot. For real, it'd have me weak-kneed and girly, I just knew it.

I felt like a traitor to all strong-willed women, but at the moment I couldn't give a shit.

I let the feeling wash over me, a guilty little pleasure for having such a creature stake his claim, fake or not, on me in front of 20 plus drunken horny males (and those were only the ones with a direct view), and let myself arch back into him, knowing he could take the weight. Those gorgeous blue eyes shifted away from the crowd and down to me, still burning with that possessive rage and, deep in, that quirk of mischievousness. We smiled at each other and his expression softened, then shifted into his classic 'let's go bone' grin of his that never failed to make me giggle.

Once again his head dipped and his nose nuzzled into my hair, and soft lips caressed my ear as he whispered, "Been watchin' ya all night…" his fingers played with the bottom of my tank top, lifting it just a little to expose more skin to the slavering mob. "Don't like the way they been touchin' ya…" My eyes fluttered shut as his big warm hand stroked up just a bit further, coming to rest just a hairs breadth away from my bra, "Ain't seen a real smile in hours…" His other hand, wrapped firmly around my waist, pulled so we were flush up against each other, and I felt every single curve and muscle in his body pressed against my back.

"Jazz…" _Oh my god, if he doesn't stop fuckin' around like this I'm gonna cream myself in front of spectators…_ the thought made me almost WANT to, but I was in no way an exhibitionist. It felt so _real_…

Smokey came to my rescue, the angel, the fucking SAINT. Grinning like a cat, she slid up to the bar, put her tray down and addressed us. "Get a fucking room, you two."

_I fucking love you! _I gave her my biggest cheesy grin and shifted just a little away from the lust-inducing hologram behind me. Just a couple inches of distance gave me some of my strength back as I willed my knees not to buckle, and my mind cleared just enough to keep up the 'show'. I turned in his arms and faced him, looked up into his smiling eyes, and poked him in the chest. "You. Out back, before we get arrested for indecent exposure."

Jazz, with an unapologetic grin, reached down and quite blatantly grabbed my ass with both hands, lifted me clear off the floor, and set me on a nearby bar-stool, much to Smokey's amusement and the patron's glee. "Sure babe. See ya in a minute."

He gave me a quick kiss on the forehead, straightened, puffed out his chest a little, and strutted right out the back door, grinning like a maniac, leaving me to gape after him and Smokey convulsing in laughter.

"Jesus, I didn't think they grew men like that around here."

With an internal giggle, I smirked at the shutting door. _They don't._

* * *

"Jazz, you impulsive bastard, where are you?"

I'd had a re-affirming shot of whisky (thanks to Smokey), shakily finished my smoke, and now I'd spent the last couple of minutes of my break searching around the back alley for the elusive hologram so I could strangle it. Knowing him, he'd just popped out of existence as soon as the door closed and was currently cruising down the highway laughing his little silver ass off. And if that was the case, he'd find himself painted neon pink and smelling of freesia when he came out of recharge tomorrow morning.

He might anyways, either way…

After another few seconds of searching, I started to feel a bit foolish. I mean, what the hell was I doing out here lookin' for a hologram? He was probably half way home by now. And shit, what exactly was planning to do if he WAS out here? Strangle him? Tear his clothes off and have my way with him? _HAH, yeah right. Like he could feel it if you did, or… oh wait, he can… nah, he didn't mean that shit in there… girl, you're takin' his playin' much too seriously. Quit it, yer acting like a lust stricken high-schooler._

Properly deflated by my own cynicism I dragged my feet back to the bar, trying not to either laugh at myself or give myself too much shit. It'd been a long strange week, and my brain wasn't exactly functioning at full capacity.

'_Stupid Jazz and his stupid sexy hair and his stupid blue eyes and his even stupider car-butt…'_

That last made me snort as I finally got to the back door of the bar. I reached for the handle, fully resigned to stomping around the joint til the end of my shift, when my gut clenched and my spine shivered. I called it my spidey sense, and was it ever tinglin'… same feeling from inside the bar earlier. It wasn't a happy feeling either. I'd been watched before (who hadn't?) and there was a huge difference between a friendly watcher and a malicious one… this was the latter.

I tried to rationalize this to myself. I was tired, it'd been one hell of a week, and I was makin' something out of nothing. Maybe Jazz was curled up in a corner somewhere giggling into his hand watching me fruitlessly search around for him. He was a sort of spy dude, wasn't he? Didn't he specialize in hiding? Anyway, who else could it be, Santa Claus come to put me on the naughty list for beating up a drunk and thinking dirty _dirty_ thoughts about my sister's giant robot guardian? Nah, it had to be Jazz.

But… it didn't _feel_ like him. Odd as it sounded to myself, Jazz had a different feel to him. Like I could sense him. Same with Mikaela, or anyone else I hung out with a lot. This feeling wasn't the same. It felt… off?

I looked over my shoulder at the alley behind me, once more scanning trash heaps and dark corners, and was finally rewarded when I spotted a flash of glowing blue about 25 feet away.

_There you are you sly motherfu… EEEEEK!_

Before I could react a large hand wrapped around my forearm and tugged hard, yanking me off balance and into the shadows just next to the door. I let out a short yelp and automatically went to counter-attack, pulling my free arm back to slug the motherfucker in the nose. Another hand gripped my wrist before it could connect and I found myself pushed and pinned to the brick wall behind me with a huge… somebody, not a foot in front of me, and it was too goddamn dark to see who it was.

"Fuck you." I kicked out and nailed whoever it was in the knee. The shadow grunted.

"OW! Girl, calm down, it's me!"

_Jazz… _"You… I oughta kick you again!"

I still couldn't see him but I'd recognize that smooth laugh and… mmmm, that brush of dreadlocks against my shoulders anywhere.

"Yeah, but you won't."

I grumbled and he let go of my wrists. He had such a smart-ass grin on his face I had to counter. "Don't be so sure babe, I'm in a bit of an ass-kickin' mood tonight."

Jazz laughed, "Yeah, I can see that." He nodded in the direction of the bar.

_Oh yeah, he watched._ A little embarrassed at my own temper I covered my face with my palms and groaned. "Shit, so you were there for that, huh?"

He wrapped his fingers around my wrists again and pulled them away from my face, bringing them between us and keeping them there. "That slagger deserved it. And I was tellin' the truth in there. I've been watchin' ya all night, I didn't like how they've been touchin' ya, and I ain't seen a real smile yet."

It was true, what he said. I just pasted a fake smile on my face all night cause customers didn't tip scowling waitresses. Though, I knew it was cheesy even before it came out of my mouth, I had to say it. It was truth. "Nothin' to smile about til you showed up."

That got me a wide grin and a hand squeeze. _Banes, you are the epitome of cheesy high school crush. Stop it._ I changed the subject real quick before I asked him to Mikaela's Prom.

"If it makes ya feel any better, I scratched the frag outta his truck."

I couldn't help it, I giggled outright, and this time I squeezed his hands. "Didn't scratch yourself doin' it, did you?"

"Nah, I'm tougher than that." He said with obvious pride and just a little goofiness.

It must've surprised him because when I stood up on my toes and kissed him right on the corner of that luscious mouth of his, because his eyes widened as if shocked. It wasn't an unpleasant shock if that rumbling from his chest said anything.

"Good," I smiled at his big wide blue eyes, "Cause it'd be a shame to ruin that pretty paintjob of yours." And just for fun nostalgia, I patted his cheek just like the first time I met him in the restaurant.

_What're you doing?!_

"Ah, now _there's_ that smile I was lookin' for…"

Jazz had a strange look in his eyes… I'd seen something similar, usually when we were just playin' around, teasing, flirting like we always did… but this look had a shade of something else in it. How very tempting it was to find out just what it was…

But once again I heard Smokey coming to my rescue (damn her timing), probably at the behest of the boss, shuffling around the back room trying to find the light switch and the door.

Jazz sighed. "Guess that's my cue to disappear, huh?"

"Nah, you can walk. The disappearing thing might freak her out a little."

He grinned. "Yeah, right. You just wanna look at my ass."

The back door of the bar swung open just as I reached around and grabbed said ass in both hands. My brain did a handstand when Jazz jumped at the sudden gropage.

"Don't need to watch when it's within arm's reach." I glanced over and saw Smokey standing there gawping. I let go of Jazz's ass and waved like nothing naughty was happening. "Oh, hey Smokey!"

She recovered quickly and smirked. "Hey. So, did you get some sausage with those buns or what?"

Jazz choked and I bust out laughing. "Nah…"

"Why the hell not? Christ if I had a guy like that within reach he'd be hogtied and squealing in my bed within a minute."

Without missing a beat I replied, "He prefers handcuffs and satin… well, then there's the bridle and the whip…"

Jazz played into it and made a weird chuffing sound that was scarily horse like.

"Ahhh, alright." She nodded with exaggerated finality and grinned.

I smacked his butt one final time while Smokey went back inside, letting that heavy door slam shut with a bang.

Once we were alone again he glared at me. "You done manhandlin' me?"

I appeared to think about it. "Nope. I still owe you one for molestin' me in the bar. In front of EVERYONE." I accentuated the last by poking him in the chest.

"You liked it."

"Wise ass."

"See, there you go, talkin' about my ass again."

_I give up_. I refrained from grabbing said ass again and pushed him a little away from me. "Be wary of my vengeance, babe."

Jazz turned and strode away, calling out over his shoulder with a wink, "Lookin' forward to it."

* * *

_He was a professional._

_Yet, after he watched the human female sleep for five minutes, he got bored and had to resist fidgeting. He'd done this for many many years, spying quietly, being frighteningly still for hours, sometimes days at a time just to retrieve the slightest bit of crucial information… but now, Frenzy began to think he just might be getting a little too old, or a little too impatient for this kind of work. He could try to blame it on the differences of time here on this planet in comparison to the passage of time on Cybertron or in the deep recesses of space, but he knew inside that such thoughts were a sell-out, and a way to pass the blame when really, he just wanted to be doing something else._

_Like getting one back for Barricade, like he promised._

_That thought made him subconsciously concentrate on not tapping his fingers on the pipe he was perched on and dim his eyes enough so their brightness would not intrude on the sleeping human's eyelids._

_He'd been busy tonight, he reflected. It had not been hard to find where the Banes women lived, and almost immediately he spotted his target inhale some weird looking type of food before dashing out the door again to a waiting taxi. He decided not to follow just then, and took his time exploring the interior of the human's dwelling. _

_His immediate first impression was that both the females had a wide appreciation of earth music, and Frenzy spent a few minutes fingering through discs and tapes, and what he discovered on the internet was called vinyl, some he found were quite rare and worth a lot of human currency. He, after checking the area for Autobot or human signatures, even went so far as to figure out how to use the 'record player' and played a little bit of the music. _

_He didn't like it much. Not that there weren't things to appreciate about it, but he liked the harder earth music. Or the electronic stuff they came up with, he'd seen videos of 'ravers' and loved the beats and flashing lights. It reminded him of interfacing with all those femmes and gave him a happy happy feeling._

_After that he explored the rest of the place, noting good hiding spots and possible points of weakness, load bearing beams and things easily collapsible. He found books and journals and scanned them a little before carefully replacing them where he found them, conscious not to disturb the thin layer of dust nearby. _

_It did not take long for the younger Banes sister to arrive with her mate and her Autobot guardian, and Frenzy was glad for his shielding then, when the yellow mech pulled in and settled right inside and activated his holoform. Frenzy had previously scanned and hidden the younger Banes' laptop computer in one of the ventilation shafts, and laid himself in an obvious but not central point in the recreation area, thankful now for his own discipline for staying still. If he gave off too many scanning signals, the Autobot would easily find him, but where he was laid out now, he could use the most simplistic ways to observe and not give himself away. _

_So there he sat, watching the threesome wander around the dwelling, himself smelling strange yet delicious scents wafting in from the kitchen area, listening to them laugh and talk about nothing important at all. He noted Mikaela Banes and the way she carried herself around both the boy and the holographic Autobot, and filed it away for later use. She seemed more at ease then she should be, considering her blonde haired companion was really 11 feet taller than her and could kill her with a mere flick of a finger, but she acted like he was just another human, even going so far as to let him taste some of the food she had prepared. _'When had the Autobots acquire that ability?'_ Frenzy stored that tidbit away for later relation to Soundwave, (and the small hope that he'd implement that into their programming as well. Frenzy was a curious mech, after all)._

_Frenzy was soon witness to something Barricade was exposed to not so long ago: a 'Movie Night'. This time the two humans and the two Cybertronians watched a movie called Planet Terror. Frenzy was embroiled in the film from the start, first with the rhythmic movements of the dancer, then with the dead humans coming back to life and the female with the table-leg limb, then later, the gun-leg. He found the parts with spewing organic pus and blood to be quite disgusting but it was interesting to watch. He, once again, had to give these people credit for creativity. The thought of Cybertronian Zombies (he found the term on the internet and vowed to watch the other movies he hit on later) was a little frightening. Apparently so did the Bug. He looked more than a little disturbed at the idea and during the quiet scenes of the film, questioned Mikaela Banes relentlessly. _

_The young sister Banes sat on a supple couch and had one male on either side of her, happily watching the movie with fleshie arms around her shoulders from both sides. She had a tinge of red to her cheeks and Frenzy wondered if it was solely a reaction to her human mate or to her Autobot companion as well. He'd have to investigate further; it was a connection that could easily be taken advantage of._

_A couple of hours later, the boy and his Autobot left, and the young Banes cleaned up, checked the time and started preparing for her recharge time. Only when she was sound asleep did Frenzy come out of hiding again. He watched her lay on her back and cover herself with blankets and doze off with a small smile on her lips, and heard very soft snores. She was deep under. _

_He crept closer to the bed and came close enough to the sleeping human that decapitated him that he could reach out and slash her throat if he was so inclined. Her jugular was within relatively easy reach, with his thin fingers, if he curled them just right, she'd never know what hit her. It would be so easy. _

_Frenzy went so far as to silently pull out one of his many hidden 'stars' and run the razor-sharp edge lightly against her skin. The female did not react except to hum a little. Just a little pressure and he could end her life. _

_But he didn't. Not yet, anyway. He hated her, she humiliated him when he was so close to retrieving the Witwicky boy, and she had aided in nearly destroying his partner, but… he had a grudging respect for her as well. She was strong, capable, and intelligent, unlike a good chunk of the species, she stood out. It would be a dishonour to take her in her sleep. He'd done it so many times before, but those were assassinations and necessary at the time. She was a warrior and deserved the chance to confront him face to face, awake and fighting. _

_Well, Frenzy admitted to himself, that, and it would completely ruin the plan. He'd get his satisfaction later._

_As silently as he came, he slid away from the slumbering human and went back up into the pipes to reach out to his brothers. He found Ravage reluctantly hiding at the Witwicky residence to avoid detection by their rodent pet, and Rumble exploring the Lennox property to keep from harassing the family too overtly (under both Laserbeak and Ravages orders, backed up by a firm order by Soundwave). Laserbeak was stationed at the Autobot Base, doing his spy-thing, general recon for now until plans coalesced into something manageable._

_The more stable of his 'family' updated him on their intelligence and the three of them made swift alterations to the general plan, (who knew another Autobot landed?) whereas Rumble just grumbled and swore at everything and anything in existence. _

"Why did you assholes stick me with the fucking Weapons Specialist and a Sparkling?"

"Because_." Was the feline mech's evasive reply, which in turn just made Rumble curse up a storm._

"I can't move about freely, I can't attack the Autobot, I can't torture the femme, I can't shoot the ugly human male, I can't even hurt the Sparkling! Why in the flaming Pits would you tempt me like this and expect me to comply!?_"_

"Don't even think about harming that human child, you sick little shit_." Frenzy practically growled into the connection, startling both Ravage and Laserbeak and causing Rumble to snicker._

"Awwww, is widdle Fwenzy pwotective of the baaaabyyy_?"_

_Yes. No. Maybe. _"It never fails to surprise me how completely without intelligence you are_." Whattheslag, channelling Soundwave? _"You harm that sparkling, and the Autobots will come down so hard on you it'd take centuries just to locate a dust particle of your frame. Especially with that trigger happy Ironhide so near."

_Rumble grumbled once again into the connection and acquiesced, but not before getting in one final jab. "_Restraint. Right. Is that what I felt when you had your moment of 'lets make the human into a target slab' a couple minutes ago?"

_Frenzy never so wished to be closer to his brother, just so he could cuff him one. "_Go hump a power socket, slag-for-brains_."_

"Hmmm…_" Frenzy felt his other brothers try not to show their disgust with Rumble's next statement. "_Not such a bad idea…"

'_Ewwwwww.'_

_Laserbeak made the suggestion to go check on the older Banes female as the younger one was just recharging. Rumble naturally suggested doing what Frenzy wanted to do earlier, kill her in her sleep and let the older sister find her, but he was overruled. _

'The Autobots were gossiping about the older female and the second lieutenant earlier. She might be with him right now. Confirm.'

'Gossip?' _That sure got Ravage's attention. Laserbeak ignored him._

_As much as Frenzy wanted to just hang out here, he took the suggestion. He'd find some way across town. Humans were so blind to what went on around then, they'd never notice if they had a miniature Decepticon stuck on their vehicle's bumper. Especially at this time of night._

* * *

It was three in the morning before Eddie let me go for the night, and I could barely walk. My feet were killing me, I was beyond exhausted and about ready to fall flat on the floor and sleep for a week.

Unfortunately, Eddie didn't feel that having one of his employees sleeping in the middle of his dance floor was good for business, so I got my ass booted out of there.

The three hours between my break and the end of my shift gave me time to formulate a Vengeance Plan, but nothing, not one single viable idea came to mind. It was no use asking Smokey, who, along with teasing the living shit out of me since I got back in here, didn't know that my target was really a giant alien robot. Suggestions might have sparked an idea or two but…

Nah. I thought better on my feet, split second decisions, winging it. Hell, I did most of my essays and studies on the fly and got decent marks, as opposed to my shitty marks when I over-thought theories. So, til then, my brain decided, fuck it. Wait and see what happens and go with the flow.

I stepped out onto the 'porch' and immediately lit a smoke. I'd called for a cab just before I came out, not exactly expecting to see Jazz sitting there looking all innocent. I grinned and tossed my smoke, barely missing Mick who'd just walked out the door, dragging Robbie the Drunken Weasel (as us girls nicknamed him) out by his collar. He was apparently happily unconscious and didn't seem to care that Mick wasn't especially gentle with plopping him onto a bench. He gave me a grin, then suddenly froze.

"Is… is that YOUR car?" Mick's almond eyes scanned the gleaming silver Solstice with total lust. I felt for him.

"Uhh, it's a loaner from a good buddy of mine." _Yeah, that sounds sufficiently neutral._

"I think I got a boner." The man growled.

I barely stifled a laugh. "I'll be sure to tell him."

He squinted at Jazz. "I thought the coupes weren't out yet?"

_Umm…_ "He got one early, a test drive sorta…thing." _Okay, that was weak even for you, Banes_.

Mick glided off the porch and towards Jazz, who acted like the perfect little car and stayed absolutely still.

**DING!**

_Oh, Lena, you're evil._ My twisted brain cackled at itself.

"Go ahead, touch it. He won't mind."

My pager suddenly beeped. Smirking, knowing who it was, I took my time getting it out of my jacket, watching Mick sidle up to the moon-lit Pontiac with a smile similar to a frat boy finding a naked cheerleader in their bed. I snorted aloud when I read the display.

**DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. **

I pretended not to care a single bit and put the pager away with a bored sigh. Mick was now standing next to Jazz, slowly putting a hand out like he was reluctant to touch it.

"Dude, he's not the Mona Lisa, you can touch him."

"This car's a guy?"

Doh. "Damn straight. Look at that ass! That's a man's ass."

Mick leaned over to take a look. "Yup, it sure is."

In a surprise move that impressed the fuck out of me, Mick grabbed a handful of Jazz's big solstice butt.

"Man, I thought I was the only one who randomly groped car-butts!" I grinned extra wide when my pager went off again.

**GET HIM OFF MY ASS!**

Since Mick was preoccupied checking out the other side of Jazz, I took the risk and stuck my tongue out at him.

"Mind if I take a look under the hood?"

Beeeeeep Beeeep Beeeeep. **NO!**

"Fucking spam mail. Sure, go ahead. He's been misbehaving lately, maybe you can figure out what's wrong."

**WOMAN, JUST WAIT TIL I GET YOU HOME.**

I mouthed 'looking forward to it' silently and joined Mick under Jazz's hood, fiddling with wires and humming over some of the funky looking components, cleverly disguised as a regular, well, tricked out, engine. The beeping of my pager was now constant and I swear I felt the hair on my arms stand up.

Mick must've touched something sensitive, as Jazz suddenly shocked him. "OW! Shit girl, there's definitely something wrong with the electrical systems somewhere. Worn wiring or… hell, I don't know."

Beeeeep Beeeeep Beeeeeeeeep!

I shut Jazz's hood and thanked Mick. "Yeah, he's gotten me a couple times like that too. I'll have to fiddle with his wiring a little more." _Let him take that as he likes_. Another burst of evil genius came to mind. As nonchalantly as I could, I ambled around to the right side and knelt down. "You seem to know a bit more about this shit than I do… maybe you could take a look around here? I'm hearing funny sounds coming from the undercarraige and it's freaking me out a bit. Something might be stuck or bent, and hell if I want this guy breaking down out on me on the freeway."

Mick grinned. "Sure! Wait til I tell my buddies I got to tinker around with an unreleased Solstice!"

BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP!

"Christ, who IS that?"

"My sister." I finally checked my pager display.

**13 messages**

**NO!**

**Quit that.**

**THAT TICKLES!**

**NOT MY WHEEL WELLS! **

I choked on my own laughter as Mick reached one big hairy arm in and started feeling around as much of the wheel well as he could, and Jazz beeped me a couple more times. He got right into it, going so far as to lay down and get a little underneath Jazz so he could feel around some more, checking springs and whatever else he could reach.

"Nothing here…" Mick stated, standing up again.

I put on my best 'stupid chick' face. "Try the other side? Please?"

I swear I heard a plaintive whine come out from behind Mick, but thankfully it went unheard by Mick who was already making his way around the back and caressing the butt again before settling by the left front tire, admiring Jazz's lustrous rims.

"Pretty, aren't they?"

Mick rumbled and reached under, touching everything he could reach to find whatever 'obstruction' was making the undercarriage make 'funny noises'. I sat back and tried my damndest to stop myself from laughing as Jazz's holo formed in the driver's seat and glared at me, then dropped his head back on the seat as Mick touched something particularly receptive.

Hot fucking damn, his 'happy' face was just… guh.

Again my arm hair rose up and I could feel the discharge around me, lighter in comparison with the carwash, but still there. Man, I never thought watching a guy feel up a car would make me so…well, horny, even if it was funny as hell.

"OW!" Mick's arm slipped out from under the well and he fell back on his ass. "Man, whatever's causin' the electrical probs in this thing's gotta get fixed, the whole thing's electrified. I wouldn't drive it if I were you… Lena? You okay?"

I sputtered "Fine!" holding my gut, feigning pain. Out of the corner of my teared up eyes I spotted Jazz's holo disappear and he sunk down on his tires just a little, barely noticeable.

"You look like someone just kicked you in the belly."

I forced out, "Cramps," and a grunt.

That was Mick's cue to run.

"Well," he said hurriedly, seeing his salvation in the form of Eddie finally come out of the bar and poke Rob the Drunken Weasel with a stick, "Ed's out. Go home and take some meds. And get this car looked at. It's gorgeous but you don't want a glitched out ride, do ya?"

My inner demon was screaming laughter. "Oh, he's already glitched. But I'll let my buddy know he should get it overhauled."

Mick nodded and gave my back a pat. "See ya tomorrow night."

I watched him quickly walk off to meet Eddie, who was waving bye to Smokey and laughing at her burning rubber out of the parking lot with her strange-ass bike.

When Mick was out of hearing range, the engine of the 'car' behind me immediately began growling and the passenger side door popped open. Jazz's holoform sat stiffly in the driver's seat, once again glaring at me.

"Get in here."

I smiled sweetly and got in with that wonderful feeling of nervous anticipation and not a small knot of fear and victory. _I win!_

_Frenzy stood amazed as he watched the two humans bring the Autobot to overload right in the middle of the parking lot. He felt the discharge from 30 feet away! He didn't think it was possible! And it was a little… no, a lot, disgusting. He couldn't imagine how those soft little human fingers would feel against his body in that manner, but the idea of it made him a little sick._

_He took pictures to send to Barricade, just to gross him out._

'Frenzy, what was that? I felt something.' _Came a comm. message from Laserbeak._

'Errr…'_ What could he say? '_Let's just say the gossip is founded.'

_Frenzy felt the shudder through their connection. _'Disgusting.'

* * *

TBC

Hee! Hope this was fun! Ima go pass out now. No wait, I'm going drinking with crimson starlight. Damn!


	10. Chapter 30 The Lake

Okay. The long awaited Jazz/Malena chappie Hope it doesn't disappoint, enjoy the laughs, and let your imagination wild go for a while. and please, don't roast, barbeque or broil me. IS A BIT SMUTTY AND WIERD SO CLOSE YER DAMN BROWSER IF YOUR NOT INTO IT. if you are, heh, have fun.

Caz

* * *

"_I ain't handsome, I ain't rich, and the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel." – _The Long Kiss Goodnight

**(30)**

_I am in deep, deep shit. _

As soon as I'd gotten inside Jazz I'd felt the residual static discharge and his post-botgasm relief (in my head, it would _always_ be botgasm, it was just such a funny word), and something else I couldn't quite discern. But as soon as my ass hit the seat, the seatbelt zipped out and tightened around me, inconveniently nestled between my breasts in that annoying way… then two more seatbelts shot out from god knows where and wrapped around my thighs and around my chest, simultaneously holding my arms down and squishing my boobs. My smugness dissipated as soon as I realized I was fastened tight to the seat and totally fucking helpless, and I gawked at Jazz's holoform as he audibly growled and gunned the engine hard til we peeled away from the bar in a haze of tire smoke.

Five minutes later my mouth was still hanging open in shock, and Jazz hadn't said a word, his holo just staring forward through the windshield with a downright _evil_ tight-lipped grin on his face and his real body in a constant growl, which, along with making me just a little nervous, was sending delicious little vibrations through the seat. At the moment I wasn't sure whether to be deliriously happy, or glad that he didn't have ejection seats. Yeah, I knew he wouldn't shoot me out of his roof but the thought wouldn't leave my head. I felt my lips wriggle as I tried not to smile.

Another two minutes and very little thought later, I'd decided that I was going to risk it. Whoever said Banes women were cautious?

"Jazz?"

He said nothing… and I got even more uneasy when we passed our exit to go home. He didn't give any indication he noticed or gave a flying fuck… if anything he sped up. The vibration in the seat kicked up a notch and I stiffened.

_Guess we're not going home then…_

"Um…" I gulped; my brain wasn't quite functioning like I'd hoped it would. "We missed our exit." _As if he needed that pointed out…_

No response.

"Jazz?"

"…"

New tactic required. "Babe?"

"…"

"Mr. Boneable?"

The façade cracked a little when his shoulder shook and the engine choked. He tried to cover it up with a gear-change but I knew him better than that.

"Muffin? Dahhhhlin'? Jazzykins? Studly?"

He snorted loudly and finally looked at me. I gave him my best imitation of Mikaela's 'kicked puppy' look and he outright laughed.

Mocking offense, I pouted. "What? It's works for Mouse!"

He shook his head and focussed back on the road, no longer white-knuckling it but his arms were still tensed. Every once in awhile though, his eyes would dart over to me, look me over from head to toe, and speed up.

Another two minutes and an unfamiliar landmark prompted me to open my big yap again.

"Jazz?"

He grunted.

"Where're we goin'?"

His head slowly turned and favoured me with a grin and a glint in his eyes that promised all sorts of wicked evil things to come, and once again I didn't know whether to be excited as a kid at Christmas or scared shitless…or that wonderful place between.

"Ooohkay then… how about loosening these up a little, huh?" Not that I minded being tied down like this, it appealed to my kinky side a bit, but there was an itch on my bicep that was driving me NUTS.

His only response was to tighten the belts a little more, simultaneously pressing me further into the vibration in his seat and sending jolts through me with the friction of the belt skimming across my breasts. My breath caught in my throat at the new sensations, effectively cutting off whatever smart-ass remarks might have popped out. _OH! Shit! _I used all my strength to turn my head and look at him, and when I saw that self-satisfied smirk of his I just _had_ to try to fight off the sensations. He wasn't gonna get me _that_ easily.

_Fight it fight it fight it… oh fuck that feels… fight it you pansy!_

I did my level best to cock a brow at him and wipe my expression clean of any shock and pleasure. If he was gonna play this game, so was I. And I'd win, dammit.

With a voice steadied by sheer will alone, I managed to mutter, "Fine, Mr. Silent-but-Deadly, wake me up when we get where we're going."

His head whipped around to stare at me and I grinned, took advantage of what little give the belts had, reached out and gave a final pat to his gearstick (_that_ got another fun choking sound from the engine), then snuggled myself deeper into his fake leather seats. I hummed as the leather softened beneath me, left him to his scheming and started counting light-posts.

After being awake for nearly 21 hours, it didn't take long for the now lightened purring vibration, the strobe effect of the street lights and the adrenaline come-down to put me in that zoned-out space, but the next thing I knew we were going over a bit of a bumpy road and I was jolted awake when Jazz suddenly put on the brakes and unbelted me.

I felt like lead and did _not_ want to move from that super comfortable still vibrating interior to who-knows-what outside, but Jazz didn't leave me much of a choice. The passenger door opened, his holo totally missing, and as slowly as I could I oozed my way out, still groggy and half-asleep, muttering, "What the hell do you have against me sleeping?" before Jazz got impatient and rocked back and forth hard enough to tumble me the rest of the way out of him and splat onto the dewy grass.

The wet chill on my bare legs woke me right the fuck up. I felt the dew soak through the skirt and squealed. "EEE! What! Fuckin'… JAZZ!"

He still wasn't saying a fucking thing, but as soon as picked myself up off the ground he started transforming. The twisting capoeira-style movements he put into it alone made me dizzy and his landing nearly knocked me on my ass again.

_Show off. _Though I had to admit, for some reason I found it… a little sexy. No. _A lot_ sexy… which said all sorts of things about my mental state but at the moment, stuck between being royally pissed for being dumped on the ground when I was trying to sleep (never mess with a Banes woman's sleep) and total fucking arousal, I didn't give a damn about how crazy this all was. All that twisting gleaming silver armour_… rawr._

Once he'd stilled I wiped a few blades of grass and as much water off me as I could with a wet hand and glared at him, daring him to do… something. Jazz took a step forward and kneeled into a crouch, almost level with me, and tilted his head.

For a moment all I could hear was the crickets and the hum of his systems. Then:

"Malena?" The name came out as a bone-shaking baritone that made me shiver.

"…yeah?"

"You…are a dirty, dirty girl."

I barely noticed and dismissed the silver flash of his one hand reaching for me, as I was too focused at the one pointing accusatorily at me. My mind instantly reached for routine… porn dialogue.

I smirked up at the blue visor and grabbed his finger. "Guess you'll have to wash me then, huh?"

I knew I said something wrong when Jazz's blue optics brightened. "Ya know what? Yer right."

That sounded just a little _too_ chipper. I took a step back and fell right into his trap.

"Shit… oh, don't even think about it….Jazzohyou_sonofabitch_!"

The lake was in a word, frigid, and as soon as my head broke the surface I let that evil metal motherfucker just how cold it was. My scream echoed loudly, as did the stream of cuss words following.

"FUCK SHIT GODDAMN OH FUCK! It's colder than penguin testicles in here!"

I could see the moonlight flashing off Jazz's armour as fell to his knees laughing so loud the echo almost hurt my ears, and I realized by a couple of the landmarks that the son of a bitch chucked me into Carlin Lake, a very secluded not-so-secret but hard-to-get-to lake outside Tranquility. I hadn't been here in years, but I remembered it from my horny teenager days. Back then, _I'd_ be the one taking the boys out to park, and once or twice I took them here. And for good reason too. The atmosphere was serene, some nights clear and others foggy, the seclusion made it so the cops wouldn't show up and interrupt, and hell, it even smelled good. Tonight there was a light fog, which might have lent it a semi-creepy yet peaceful atmosphere if it weren't for the giggling robot on the beach.

_Oh, you are SO not getting any now… EVER. Bastard._ I'd give him this though, the water WAS cleansing. But goddamn!

The aforementioned evil bastard got himself together enough so that I couldn't hear his intakes wheezing quite so badly but when he looked at me treading water about 20 feet away he almost fell back into giggles again.

"You scream like a girl!" He called out.

I gave him the finger and quickly went back to treading water. "I AM a girl, dipshit!"

With a glance down at my stupid white tank top I had to laugh. How fucking typical. _Well, at least they're underwater and not floating like fucking airbags._

Jazz laughed. "Big baby!"

"Dip your shiny metal lack-of-ass in here and say that!" And just to get him revved up, I had to tack on, "Wuss."

It worked. He never could turn down a challenge, even a thinly disguised one. "WUSS!?"

With visor down again he got back to his feet and took a couple graceful steps toward the water, determined… til that cute little pointed foot got splashed. He froze in place and the visor brightened in what looked like surprise.

"Aww, hell no!"

He lifted his foot and shook to get the water off, and it looked so much like a dog shake that I just had to quietly laugh, letting it out halfway underwater. It was much warmer now that I'd been in it for a while and my body had adjusted (or my skin went numb, whichever), but once in a while a fresh wave of chill would drift past a bit of bare skin… it was actually kind of refreshing.

"I heard that!"

I had to egg him on. "Good! Wuss."

If he could've narrowed his eyes right then I'm sure he would have. Further encouraged by my distance, I kept on, falling easily into a backstroke just to tease him. "What, is the big bad Autobot afraid of a little water?"

Jazz fidgeted on the beach. "No."

"Didn't know they bred chickens on Cybertron."

He crossed his arms. "I am NOT a chicken!"

"Bawk bawk baaaaaaaaawk!"

_He's so gonna get you for this… and get your boobs back underwater. Warmer down there than up here!_

I almost went back to treading water but found that my feet could now touch bottom, so I stood on my toes and grinned at Jazz. I don't know when but I'd lost one of my shoes, so I toed the other one off and let it drift off. I could get new ones.

The big wussy Autobot grumbled a moment, shook a fist, and as I laughed he began to transform. For a second I thought he'd just zoom off and leave me here. I needn't have worried. His holo formed with the last clink of metal, and it immediately started pacing back and forth in front of his real form, letting his arms swing and clap together in front of him as he pondered the situation. I lifted my feet from the bottom and lazily floated around on my back, watching him. He formed his holo topless but with his pants on (dammit!) and his dreads free and I heard some incomprehensible mumbling but nothing clear enough to tease him about.

I fell back on the chicken sounds. _"BAWK BAWK BAAAAAAAAAWK!"_

He stopped pacing and his eyes narrowed.

"CluckcluckBAWK!"

"Alright, Alright!"

I didn't bother covering up my little thrill of seeing that muscled torso flex as he kicked off his shoes and cracked his knuckles. Why he had shoes but no shirt didn't bother me either. I watched his shoulders rise and fall as he took a deep reassuring breathe he didn't need, mutter "Fuck it," and shoot off at a dead run toward the edge of the water.

"CANNONBAAAAAAAAALL!"

_Wow… good air! _

As he curled into himself I noticed his pants disappeared, just like that, before he descended. His landing prevented me from seeing too much flesh and I got splashed in the face from the resulting wave, and laughed as I wiped my hair out of my eyes.

It took him a couple of seconds, but he came up yowling.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAH! HOLY FUCKING PRIMUS!"

I don't think I'd ever seen his eyes that big, perfectly round and his skin looked a shade paler than usual. The echo of his scream lasted for a good 10 seconds! Watching him float around with his arms crossed around his chest looking pathetic… oh man, I couldn't hold it in… no way.

"BAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Shut up!"

"You scream like a girl!"

He glared as he wiped his face off and shook his dreads.

_Oh, rawr…_ "Hope you hit your ass on something."

"I did!"

I snickered. "Good! I hope it penetrated."

He shuddered.

"Oh, it's not that bad!"

"Yes it is!" He was about ten feet away with his eyes still big as dinner plates. "Now I kinda feel bad for tossin' ya in here!"

I splashed water at him. "Kinda?"

He cackled so I splashed him again. "You so deserved it after that stunt ya pulled."

"Hey! I was just getting even."

He shrugged and shivered.

"Makes ya wish you didn't make your holo so sensitive, huh?"

He shook his head. "No way! I'm fucking freezing, but this feels amazing!"

_You have a naked Jazz floating within a few feet and you're talking about how cold the fucking water is? What's wrong with you woman!_ I couldn't help it though; my curiosity got the better of me.

"What's it feel like?"

Jazz stopped to take everything in for a sec, and then looked at me. "It's the same and different than my own body, if that makes any sense. Same feeling on different skin."

I nodded.

"Water usually just runs off me but I'm carrying it in my hair in this form, and the currents, I can feel em' skimming against my skin. It feels weird, but really really cool." He lifted a few dreads and shook them, and shuddered as a fresh wave of cold hit him somewhere underwater.

_Know what you mean_. I nodded again, and then splashed him in the face. "Well… that's for tossing me in here. Wanker."

He spluttered. "Wanker?"

"Shut up." I splashed again and this time he retaliated, getting me with a mini-wave to the face. From there it was all out war.

For a few minutes all I could hear was loud splashes as we kicked water at each other and our own howling laughter and indignant squealing echoing off the trees. As I moved to dodge another big splash from the oncoming Jazz I remembered the days of my youth when I was allowed to just play for the sheer hell of it. I made a mental note to thank Jazz later, then kicked some more water at him. I knew I should have been worrying about my shift starting in a little less than three hours, but this was way too much fun to quit, this was pure JOY, even with freezing lake water up my cooch.

At least til I hit the drop off, where the beachy part of the lake ended and the actual drop started. Until then I hadn't realized how far from shore we'd gone, but then I lost my footing on the rocky sand and dropped like a stone.

It got a hell of a lot colder and darker the further down I went and it was difficult to fight down the instinctual panic. I knew very well how to swim, it just took a couple of seconds to get over the shock of cold and remember that breathing down here was probably not a good idea.

I gave my limbs a quick shake and swam upwards, keeping my eyes open and seeing Jazz's arms frantically waving around trying to find me. I reached up and grabbed his ankle to let him know I was there and immediately my hand was gripped and pulled up, and I surfaced with a deep breathe. Big warm arms circled me and pulled me against an even bigger warm body as Jazz moved us both away from the edge. It wasn't all that life threatening but the idea that some weeds could have wrapped me up or something made my heart thud in my chest, so I focussed on trying to settle it down.

Even though he didn't have a heart beat, I could tell Jazz was still a bit panicked so I hugged him a little tighter and tried to lighten up the mood.

"Wow. That was graceful."

"You alright?"

"I'm fine babe, just massively bruised dignity."

He smiled and shook that gorgeous head of his a little. "I keep forgetting you humans can swim."

I grinned against his cheek. "And us girls come with built in floatation devices."

"Mmmm…how can I forget, they're poking me in the chest right now."

I stilled immediately and Jazz busted out laughing. Bruised dignity and embarrassment aside, it was good to hear (and feel) him laughing. I wondered if he knew that I wasn't the only one poking the other with certain parts of our anatomy… and _how the hell_ did he do that when the water was so goddamn cold?

My mind was pulling me in multiple directions again and I found myself getting lost to the sensation of having the nice warm body of my dreams pressed against me, so I tried the same tactic as in the bar… distance. "Jazz, you can let go of me now, I won't drown."

"No. You're warm." And as if to illustrate the point, I got hugged tighter and his face buried in my neck. _Guh…_

"Alright then."

Once again that nervous feeling in my gut kept yelling 'he's totally fuckin' with you again!', but I couldn't just float here with his butt-naked holo and do _nothing_! So I indulged in some not so idle curiosity and moved my hand from around his waist up to his chest. That silver glint kept catching my eye and damned if I'd let this opportunity slip. He hissed lightly when I touched him and I tilted the smooth silver in my fingers to get a better look at the pendant… and immediately busted out laughing.

"The fuckin' Autobot symbol?"

He looked down at it too and grinned. "Where else was I gonna put it?"

_Oh, I can't just leave an opening like that alone,_ I thought evilly, and firmly kicking my chickenshit side in the crotch a couple dozen times, let my hand trail downwards over his skin, over bare abs and a side trip to trace that V-shape indent on his right hip to finally draw a little circle low on his belly, which twitched beneath my fingers. I smiled when his grip around my waist tightened a fraction and I was sure he gulped.

"Uhh… big ol' tat there wouldn't be too discreet now would it?"

_That was fun._ "Well that's where it is on your real body… and since when have YOU ever been discreet?" I went back to playing with his nipple ring pendant.

"I used to be. Guess yer rubbin' off on me," he purred with a smirk.

_Aaaand we're back to the porn dialogue_. There was only one answer to that. "Hun, I haven't even begun to rub off on you."

Jazz laughed. "Yeah, sure. All talk, no action."

_Oh, so THAT'S how it is, huh? Right then!_ I cocked a brow at him and decided to call his bluff. He didn't think I'd do it. Or he knew I'd do it if he challenged me. That's just how it was with us.

Though half of me was screaming '_he's an alien, he's just teasing, quit foolin' yourself!_' the more logical yet horny side of me rationed in a surprisingly even voice, '_Look here kiddo. You two've been draggin' this shit out for how long? It's just gonna get worse and worse unless your chickenshit ass does something about it, and ya know, if he rejects the idea, no harm, no foul. You can still grope him once in a while and he'll still be there for Mikaela. If he doesn't reject you…_' I couldn't even finish the thought and a grin of epic proportions bloomed.

_Fuck it, why not. _

So I finally put some action into my talk, braced my arms around his shoulders and wrapped my legs around his hips. The denim skirt rode up so much it might as well have been a belt and my tank was soaked through and plastered to Jazz's chest. From my new height I was level with his flashing blue eyes and slightly stunned expression and felt that burn of victory burst in my chest. _HAH! I got you now!_ If this didn't get his attention, nothing would. Just to be sure though (and because I was a little afraid to see his face after he got over the shock), I dropped my head down to rest in that long neck of his, purred, "How's this for action?" and nipped his earlobe.

For the second time in ten minutes Jazz completely froze in place, and I felt my stomach drop. Any moment now he'd go '_Ewwwww! Human!_' and rip me off him, swim for shore and leave me and my frustration in the middle of the lake.

Any second now…

Instead of vigorous shaking and agitated yowling, I got a rather delicious full body shudder and a growl. I felt his thumb and index finger playfully tug my earlobe and guide my head until we were face to face again, and he gave me this _look_, much like the look I gave _him_ back at the restaurant where we first met, like he was sussing' out my intentions, searching for a lie, anything to tell whether I was bullshitting him or not. And it made me feel a whole hell of a lot better knowing he was just as unsure about the teasing as I was.

The ball was in his court now. I made _my_ actual move. It was up to him now where we were gonna take this. Buuuuut just to be sure I closed what little distance there was between us and kissed that luscious full-lipped mouth of his, softly, and pulled away just in time to see that 'lets go bone' grin tinted with a hell of a lot darker spark in his blue eyes.

_Wow. He's so mine now. _I couldn't help but grin back.

He moved his hands away from my face, trailed them down my back (which felt extremely cool with the water), and got a nice tight grip on my now bare ass. I jumped and squeaked, then failed miserably at not groaning a little as our bodies rubbed harder against each other and I felt every inch of skin from his belly on down. He grinned even wider when my eyes practically popped out of my skull at the sensation. The only thing between us right now was a thin scrap of cotton and he bloody well knew it.

"Took you long enough" The voice seemed to come more from his chest, a deep rumble, but he still had that silly-ass grin on his face.

I countered, weaving my fingers of one hand finally into those long dreads. "Me?" That neat little mole on his left collarbone called to me, so I inspected the area around it with my tongue for a moment, thoroughly enjoying my victim's reactions. I had no clue how much of this was 'real' reaction and how much was for my benefit, him being a hologram right now and all, but at the moment I didn't give much of a shit. I could pretend. "As I recall, I've overloaded you twice."

I'd never been much of a romantic. Hearts and flowers and shit didn't do much for me, and long convos confessing love made me a little nauseous. This, on the other hand, was much more fun.

Apparently making semi-witty banter with our partner was a mutual love.

He wasted no time in reaching for the hem of my shirt and yanking it over my head. "Technically, that dude Mick gave me th' second one…" and my white tank hit the water as he casually tossed it behind him. Fortunately I still had a bra on so he wasn't getting a full show, but he leered at the exposed skin anyway.

I smiled. "So, what, after me you're gonna go chuck Mick in the lake?" I saw my shirt floating ever farther away and resigned myself to going home topless.

"Well," He pretended to think about it, looking really cute with his eyes sort of rolled to the side like he was thinkin' really hard, "…nah. His hands ain't nearly as good as yours."

I had to get lippy, even as he fingered the straps of my bra. "Oh good. I was starting to wonder about your preferences for a second…"

"Lena?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Make mmMMMph!"

Jazz was surprisingly good at shutting me up, thoroughly devouring my lips as if he'd been doing this for centuries, tasting and licking and even nibbling a little and by gods it was perfect. And he learned this shit from, what, Youtube? I doubted it.

I absolutely melted under the weight of that kiss, losing those nervous butterflies and taking another handful of those lovely dreads, almost desperate to lose that damn scrap of fabric so I could feel something bigger than his tongue inside me…

Jazz let out a sudden startled yelp and we found ourselves snorting water as Jazz slipped on god knows what, lost his balance and took us both underwater. It took me a moment to get untangled from him but we both popped to the surface laughing like loons.

"What the hell, man?!" I was grinning so hard my cheeks hurt. The Mood was effectively dampened (har de har har), but not totally ruined…What a night! Boob high in freezing water and still horned up and I couldn't resist splashing the bugger.

Jazz looked both embarrassed and unendingly amused. "Fuckin' algae or somethin'!" He had the most gorgeous smile full with laugh lines and sparkling eyes, and even with the shock of a newly cold bath I didn't find any of this a turnoff. It was way too much fun!

He shook his dreadlocks again and motioned at the shore with his chin. "Think it's about time we got outta th' lake?"

"Oh yeah. My feet're freezing!" I readily agreed, scanning around me for my shirt, when Jazz moved in again so close I could feel his body heat and feel the weight of that gaze. I looked up at him as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear, in time for him to sweep me up into another knee-buckling kiss.

_How the fuck did he get so good at this? And why can't I ever have a crush on a normal guy?_

I felt his arms encircle my waist and crush me to him so once again I could feel every inch of warm skin and feel the rumbling in his chest.

_Guh… okay, that's why_…

We broke apart finally and it took me a moment to reorient myself and catch my breath. Jazz just grinned all wickedly at me, like he knew something I didn't.

"What?" Amazing that in mid lust-daze I had the ability to be suspicious.

He winked and said in a much too goofy voice, "Race ya!"

And he dove away, leaving me shaking and riled up and laughing for a moment before I followed, mentally floored by how fucking strange-fun-goofy-sexy this whole deal was turning out. It was like hours of foreplay at the fuckin' circus!

When Jazz came up for air I smugly glided past him and threw my bra at him. "Winner tops!"

I giggled at him as he peeled the discarded lingerie off his face and made the connection in his head. Despite being a big metal alien, Jazz seemed to be into organic boobs. The thought made me snort as I dove again and swam like mad for shore. A few feet behind me I heard him yell, "Oh, you're SO on!"

It was a fairly even race. Jazz couldn't swim too well but he made up for it by grabbing my ankles once in a while and yanking me back. By the time we were in wading-deep water we were both laughing too damn hard to breathe. It occurred to me that I didn't know what the finish line actually was until Jazz got ahead of me and shot for his car form.

Dammit! The bugger was fast and his legs were distracting and sometimes I wished I didn't have boobs. I held 'em down with one arm and took off after him, sand and rocks flying out from underneath my toes, already resigned to the loss but perfectly content to chase that ass up and down the beach all night if need be.

Jazz's victorious whoop killed any remaining hope I'd had, but really, I couldn't be disappointed, not with him leaning back practically sitting on his own hood with a shiny white grin, fully bared, arms in a V for Victory pose. My eyes gleefully traced his happy trail down and something in my brain popped.

_Follow the path of Pubis Minor, it will lead you to Phallus Major. Beware the twin stationary satellites and the nearby Black Hole._

I choked on my own giggles, curious where that cultured inner voice came from and why the fuck he was comparing Jazz's lovely dangly bits to space stuff… Maybe I really _was_ cracked.

Of course my mouth went off without my brain to back it up. "You're gonna leave a butt print on your hood."

He laughed and yanked me to him, grabbed my once again denim covered butt like he did in the bar and plopped me onto his hood. I had to scoot back or I'd slide right back off again, and it didn't take long for the holo to join me.

If I had any doubts as to whether Jazz's reactions were real or not, they were dashed as soon as I touched his armour. He was practically crackling with energy, the small metal buttons on my skirt trying their damndest to stick to him, hell, I could feel the magnetic field around him like a near solid fog that opened and enveloped me as I made myself comfortable. I felt more and more buzzed with every movement of skin against metal, electrified but not painfully so.

"Better your butt print than mine." Jazz purred as he crawled up on his own hood and more or less straddled me. He took his time looking me over like I did him a moment ago, and I had to wonder if he was making space comparisons as well.

His hands skimmed lightly over my chest, down my stomach, and stopped at the belt line of the skirt, fingers digging underneath it and tugging. His voice dropped a couple octaves, practically a rumble, when he said, "Have ta get rid o' this first."

I couldn't keep my hands off him anymore, especially now when he was so damn close and looking incredible above me and trembling below me. I went straight for that gorgeous neck of his and pulled him down so I could have a bit of a taste, and, testing a theory, used my other hand to stroke the edge of his hood. Both bodies shook in reaction and a pulse of heat bloomed under the hood, warming my back and encouraging me to play some more. I went for his windshield wipers next and the engine turned over and jolted us both.

Jazz's holo in the meantime was having even more problems. He seemed to be completely unable to figure out the buttons on my skirt and looked both frustrated as hell and trying not to laugh at the same time, like he couldn't believe this was happening.

I couldn't resist goading him. "I thought you Autobots were supposed to be nimble!"

His whole body shook as he tried to keep his laughter in and that beautiful big smile popped out again. I giggled at him and raised myself to my elbows, ignoring the tickly feeling of water droplets from his dreads landing on my oversensitive skin. God this was fun. Everyone took sex so goddamn serious and it was amazing to have found someone with a sense of humour about it.

He gained control of himself a moment later and looked down at me with that pleased yet embarrassed expression and I had to kiss him again. He settled into it, pushing one strong leg between my thighs and easing himself down on his arms atop of me, purposely weighing me down with his body so I had to lie back completely.

Soft little whiskers and even softer lips brushed my ear as he spoke. "I can be nimble…" he paused as I grabbed a firm hold of his hips and stroked the skin there, "when you're not distractin' me." His engine purred and the heat beneath me went up a couple more degrees, throbbing against my back almost like a heartbeat.

That gorgeous neck of his was irresistible, especially so close, and I took a minute to kiss and lick every available inch of it before taking his earlobe between my teeth and nipping. His whole body arched and he groaned. It was an unbelievable feeling, having this… man, mech, whatever, curl and twitch beneath my fingers and tongue. And I wanted more of it.

My hand trembled as I wove one hand into his dreads again and pulled his face up so I could see him. His eyes narrowed immediately when I smacked his butt with my other hand, officially issuing the challenge.

"Prove it."

* * *

_A/N: I was too chicken to write out and out smut, but fluffy stuff and stupid nakedness, I can do. It's a rip-off, I know, but I'll leave the smut writing to the talented writers. LOL._


	11. Chapter 31 A Sister's Intuition TM

*waves*

Disclaimer: don't own shit but Malena

Warning: some R/M rated shit in here. (i'm so formal!)

"The last thing I need is horny robots runnin' around tripping over shit!" ~ The Devil's Rejects

**(31)**

_**BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP**_

_Kill._

**SMASH!**

"Mmmm…"

A chuckle in my hair. "You maimed your alarm clock."

"Mmhmm."

"What'd the poor thing ever do to you?"

"Coffee…" My voice was muffled against his neck. He smelled good.

"You'd have ta let go of me first."

My only response was to snuggle deeper under the blanket and tighten my hold around his waist. His soft yet hard, warm, naked waist. I felt his chuckle again through the skin and muscle and smiled. God I could lay like this forever. Even with some unnameable metal bit of his other set of arms poking me in the thigh.

"Right then." Jazz repositioned his chin so my head was tucked neatly under it and both of his bodies made a sound of absolute contentment.

We were crashed out in the middle of my living room, somehow with the two humans (or holo, whatever) squished onto the couch and the Mech-Jazz on his side between the couch and the TV, pretty much the only thing keeping us… or me, from falling off, and hell if I could remember exactly how I got here. Idly I wondered whatever happened to the table, but concluded with my sleep-muddled mind that I truly didn't give a shit. I had a big warm metal arm curled around both me _and_ his holo, and his holo's arm stroking the bare skin of my back and the other holding my head up, his hand fiddling with my hair. I was warm, comfortable, and half asleep. It didn't take long for me to drift off again, not with two warm bodies sandwiching me (one humming in that normal Autobot way, the other so goddamn huggable), and especially not with the curtains drawn so the living room had that soft morning glow to it, and… _OHFUCK_.

The blanket that had been drawn over us both and part of his mech-form went flying as I sat up, nearly clocking my head on the headlight on Jazz's arm, panicked. The digital glow from the VCR told me how royally fucked I was. _7:30?!?_ _I'M LATE FOR WORK!!!_

"Hey!" said the now disgruntled holo, swatting a pillow off his face and making a grab for me.

I shook him off and wriggled halfway out from between the two bodies. "I'm so … fuckin'… fired!" On the last word I'd finally gotten free and fell off the edge of the couch, realizing only then that I was ass-naked and a little cold. I'd almost made it to Jazz's bent knee joint when a big metal four-fingered hand wrapped around my waist, plucked me right up off the living room floor, and dropped me back where I was before.

"Calm down, I called you in sick." Said the mechform behind me, blue optics practically glittering. The Holo nodded. I didn't know which one to glare at.

"How'd you accomplish that?" _Not that I'm complainin'… fuck work right now. Fuck it right in the ear._

Holo-Jazz made a show of clearing his throat, then opened his mouth and out came a perfect imitation of my voice, marred with the sound of phlegm. "I can't come in today, think I caught a summer bug!" And he coughed rather convincingly.

"OHGOD, don't DO that!" I swatted his bare chest with the back of my hand and laughed. "You don't know how creepy that is."

"You asked, sugar." He replied with smiling eyes.

I hid my face in a pillow. "Ugh."

He patted me lightly on the head. "Go back to sleep."

I grumbled. "Can't sleep now, I'm all… awake." _Good with words this morning, kiddo. Bravo!_

"You're runnin' on less than three hours." He said like it would change my mind, which in a way, it did. _Ugh_.

I had snuggled back under the blankets and made myself comfortable between the two bodies when another random thought occurred to me. "Can you even recharge well with your holo active?" I asked groggily.

"…sorta."

_At least he's honest_. "Then turn it off and get some proper rest." As much as I adored the Holo-Jazz, the poor bugger needed his sleep and getting a half-assed nap for the sake of keeping me warm? Hell no. If I couldn't be warm with 14 foot of big metal robot, no skin off my ass.

"Yes dear." He winked, rolling me onto my back and crawling on top of me, letting me feel every inch of that skin again and giving me one last hot kiss before allowing his holo to disperse. _Hot Damn!_

I suddenly had so much more room on the couch and stretched with a shit-eating grin and a happy groan. _I could wake up like this every damn morning. Rawr! _Though unfortunately I was all horned up again and that did _fuck all_ for lettin' me rest. _Damn Humpable Holo_.

"You keep making noises like that and I'll have ta play with ya s'more." Said the now fully active glowy-eyed Autobot layin' next to me. I looked over at him and grinned tiredly.

"That's what you get for being a tease, and I'll be walkin' bowlegged for a week as it is."

Jazz snickered. "I'm still a lil' buzzed." He admitted.

I looked him over from the tips of his funky horn things down to his cute little feet, laid out in my living room like metallic Playgirl centerfold and yet another question I only had the guts to ask when sleep-deprived popped into my head.

"Don't you feel a little…weird?" I started hesitantly. I didn't want to offend him, I was merely curious.

"About what?"

I grinned tightly. "This?" Gesturing at us both. Well shit, it wasn't every day there was intergalactic porn in my living room.

His big arm curled around me a little tighter and a couple of his fingers cupped the back of my head. By some will of the Gods my hair didn't get caught in all those gears. "What, the fact that you just fucked a car?"

The statement totally threw me for a loop. _God, he's worse than me!_ Around giggles I retorted, "No, the fact that you just fucked a glorified chimp."

That got us both laughing again.

"Lena, if I was into hairy little monkeys I woulda raided the zoo."

_BAD VISUALS! BAD!_ I tried to hide my big wide eyes and laughter in the pillow but Jazz knew me better. He tapped me on the head with one of his fingers and rumbled at me.

"Got yourself some images now, don'tcha?"

I squealed into the pillow when I saw Jazz literally covered in spider monkeys in my head.

"S'alright, I saw you doing nasty things to my gear-shifter."

He was smirking when I glared at him. "OW." _But on the other hand… wait, no. Nevermind. Not pliable at all. _

His body made funky whirring sounds as he shifted closer to the couch. "Now that we BOTH got weird pictures in our heads, let's try to get some shut-eye, alright?"

"I see baboons in your future…" I mumbled as I closed my eyes.

"I see you spread-eagled in my front seat, so shut up and go to sleep."

I snickered and traced one of the headlights on his chest with a finger, finally calming down from my bleary giggle fit and smiling happily.

A sudden poke in the boob by a pointy metal finger made me squeak again. Jazz's deep baritone teased, "You play with mine I'll play with yours."

I absently rubbed the offended protrusion "Gotta sand those things down…"

"What, my fingers or your titties?"

"Shhh. Sleeping."

I drifted off easily just listening to his body's near silent hum and with the surprisingly comfortable weight of his forearm-sized metal fingers curled around my thigh, waist and back. After so much tension and work and just general chaos, not to mention smacking into a light-post and dodging perverts, to relax like this with him was so, well, perfect. Only word for to describe the feeling was contentment. My muscles felt like jelly and I didn't have the willpower to worry about fuck all right now. I didn't have to move for a while yet, I finally had the guy I wanted for however long he wanted me, I was warm, and… damn, even his pointy metal bits didn't inconvenience me in the least. It was Perfect.

I snuggled in as close to him as I could without falling off the couch and let my stress go with a nice deep relaxing breath and let myself rest.

* * *

It felt like hours later when I felt something stroking my hair, and the pleasant haze of half-sleep lifted enough to identify Jazz's finger, not quite petting me like a cat, more like teasing the strands, stroking, like he wasn't quite sure what to do with it but liked fiddling with it anyway. I would have teased him about it but I didn't feel like going through the effort of actually talking. Instead I just smiled and poked him in the headlight again.

"Ow."

_Phhft, as if_. With my eyes still closed I explored his grill with the tips of my fingers, tracing every little hexagonal indent with my pinkie and revelling in the little shudders that it brought from my new lover. This was new to me, feeling up what looked and felt like the front end of a car and having it actually react, and fully knowing that this car was fully sentient, not actually a car, but a fully intelligent, groovy, and sexy dude who had absolutely no problem groping me back. It made my 'hard on' for cars feel justified, like, well, it was meant to be, as tacky as it sounded. I was _meant_ to feel up cars because one day I'd be feeling up a fully intelligent one with a thing for barely evolved monkeys. My brain giggled at the idea as I ran my nails up and down the grill just to hear the clinky sound.

Jazz rumbled and I stopped. "Tickles."

I grinned, eyes still shut, and did it again just to make him squirm. For a 14 foot mech he sure squealed like a little girl when tickled. I got a decent grip on another part of that impressive chest and held on while he tried to squirm away, giggling. "Get offa me!"

"No. You keep waking me up. You must be punished."

I found other bits on his chest and underneath that I deemed ticklish whenever he bucked or squealed, and assaulted them mercilessly til all I could hear from Jazz's vocalizer were screeches and clicks and whines. It took him a minute but he somehow dislodged me and I went splat on the floor next to the TV, laughing so hard my gut hurt.

Thankful that somehow the TV went undamaged during the chaos, I rolled to face my guy only to see him staring down at with a glowing blue visor and pure evil intent.

_Fuck. Run._

But it was useless from the start. Somehow I'd taken the damn sheets with me and now I was fully entangled in em, making it futile to even attempt getting to my feet. Jazz's fingers descended on me and soon small staticy crackles ran up and down my sides, making me literally scream in defenceless laughter. And there was no way to escape it, not with the sheets wrapped around my legs and his big-ass hands holding me still. I couldn't even kick him!

Jazz hovered above my helpless body with a smirk and asked me if I yielded.

It came out before I could stop myself. "Hell no!" _Good job dumbass_.

Jazz seemed to be expecting that, and that bright visor glowed even brighter as he dipped two of his fingers down, pulling the sheets away from my thighs and forced my legs apart. "You sure about that?"

'_What the hell is he planning? I'm not THAT loose'_, came my automatic reaction, then I cringed internally. _Ow. Where the fuck did that come from_?

He must've seen my bug-eyed look and I had to congratulate him on keeping himself composed. But he didn't give up anything, not a wink, not a laugh, nothing.

I trusted him though.

"I don't yield." I said matter-of-factly, reaching up and running my nails down his chest-grill again out of pure stupidity. He glowered at my insolence and curled a finger between my legs, pressing the heated metal lightly against me, and suddenly _pureelectricalbliss_ shot through my entire body as he sent heavy vibrations and the slightest bit of electricity through his finger. His other fingers he used to hold me down and cover my mouth as I screamed.

He kept the vibration going for about ten seconds before lifted his finger back up again, watching me pant and try to escape. "Had enough?" He said smugly.

I took a couple deep shuddering breathes, looked him dead in the optic and told him to bite me.

He seemed about to retaliate and I was mid-cursing myself for my big mouth when Jazz suddenly stiffened. "Shit." He got a better grip on my body, sent one final electrical discharge through me that I swear made my bones melt, rolled, and plopped me back on the couch. "I'll get you for that later." He muttered in my ear, then covered me as best he could with the sheets and his own body and pretended to be asleep.

_What the hell?_

The answer came swiftly as I heard thumping noises coming from upstairs.

Mikaela.

Mikaela. AWAKE.

_Oh fuck_.

Then came furious banging on the front door and the sounds of _Good Morning Little Schoolgirl_, muted, on the other side of the wall.

Sam and Bee.

_Doublefuck. I wonder if they heard us?_

Before I could make my escape to a place with clothing, Mikaela came tromping down the stairs in a rush to answer the door. I couldn't see her but I could hear her heels pounding the wood in an unusually bouncy skip for this early in the AM. The knocking at the door kept coming but Mikaela skidded to a halt when she saw the silver Autobot splayed in her living room.

"Jazz?" Her voice was both curious and disbelieving, and getting closer.

Making sure I was completely covered from my sister's view, Jazz turned his big head to her. "Heya Mouse! Yer lookin' extra perky this mornin'!"

A silence followed, and if my face wasn't smushed against this bundle of wirey things I would have peeked.

"Why are you in the living room?" Mikaela asked, taking a few steps closer to the front door. She must have a magnificent view of his feet.

Jazz with the ease of an accomplished pimp, stretched the arm not covering my shrouded form and groaned. "Wanted to stretch mah limbs out. It ain't fun bein' all folded up into car-mode night 'n day, ya know."

Mikaela stepped closer, now completely ignoring the continued knocking and now yelling Sam. "Okay… I can see that." Then she switched tones, to something a little more accusatory. I mentally pictured her standing with hip cocked and arms folded. "So riddle me this, Batman. Whose thong is hanging from your side mirror?"

_Batman?_

_Waitaminute, thong? _

Then I remembered. _THONG! _I'd completely forgotten about them after Jazz flung em slingshot style away last night. I thought they'd be found by some poor toddler the next morning or something, not hangin' off his damn side mirror!

Jazz heroically refrained from wriggling in guilt and tried to push the convo in another direction. "Batman?"

Mikaela wasn't having it though. The kid had too much brains for her own good. "It's the horns, and don't avoid the question."

"I ain't avoidin' nothin'.:

"Yes. You are." Her tone was clipped and I could just picture her right eyebrow rising at Jazz's evasiveness.

"Nope."

"Jazz!" Her tone went from curious-mad to impatient-mad, and Jazz was done for. Hell, I was done for and I wasn't even the one being interrogated. A pissy Mikaela was something to steer clear of.

I was prepared to sit up, sheet and all, to defend her guardian when Sam decided that knocking on the door wasn't getting any results and just opened it and walked in, with Bee's holo trailing behind him, sparkly as ever. Mikaela had taken a deep breath to start yelling but deflated upon seeing her men, however it didn't help the situation any.

I saw Sam perfectly clear, and with his line of sight he had no problem seeing me… I watched with a 'ohfuck-I'm-caught' grin and a wave as his eyes bugged out and he immediately began sputtering. Then the ever-curious Bumblebee peeked around his shoulder and saw me too… and instantly wolf-whistled.

Mikaela, who I still couldn't see, was pissing mad now and stomped over to Sam. "What the fuck is going onnnnOHSHIT! MALENA?!?"

I waved feebly at my sister, who'd gone sheet white. "Heh heh… uhhh. Hey sis!"

Sam, the gallant champion of Earth and destroyer of Megatron, smacked a hand over his eyes, spun on a heel and walked right back outside, whistling innocently and trying not to laugh.

Mikaela didn't even notice. "Lena… what… dehhhh…. Fuhh…. Where are your CLOTHES?!"

Jazz dropped his head to the floor and banged it a couple times, grinning madly and I gave him a one-handed swat on the chest for being absolutely NO help. "Umm…" _Floating on the bottom of Carlin Lake._ "Well, Uhh," _and probably bits of the beach too_. "You see…" _oh, and I lost your skirt. No, wait, Jazz lost it. But at least I know where my thong is!_

"LENA!"

Bee was leaning against the doorframe, laughing silently, holo eyes nearly watering as he beheld the awkward scene, and I vowed to do something nasty to his interior at some later date, when Mikaela wasn't an inch away from destroying me.

I scratched a nonexistent itch on my head. "I kinda sorta lost em."

Her voice rose to an eardrum-shattering shriek, "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LOSE YOUR CLOTHES… Oh… OH!" She looked back and forth between the half-guilty, half-laughing Jazz and my sheet-wrapped ass on the couch, and finally made the connection. I could almost see the light bulb go off in her head.

Some of the colour went back into her cheeks but she was still bowled over. In a scarily calm voice, taking a step forward, she said, "Those are yours." She pointed at the blue camouflage thong on Jazz's shoulder/side mirror, making it a statement, not a question.

I nodded.

"You…" Mikki took a deep breathe to calm herself, then pointed a chipped red-polished finger at me. "You…boned my guardian."

I grinned triumphantly and Mikaela smacked a hand over her eyes. That set Bee off into howling laughter and Jazz giggled, which only drew my sister's attention to HIM. I felt his fingers tighten around me a fraction under her scrutiny.

"You boned my sister!"

Jazz replied in such a bland voice that I almost cheered at his performance. "Yes. I boned her. She boned me. We boned. The night was full of boning. And as soon as you leave, I'll bone her again."

The look on her face after THAT was hilarious, and though the situation was semi-serious with the black cloud of death looming over my sister, I bust out laughing so loud and hard that I fell right off the couch, taking the sheets with me and giving everyone a good look at my bare ass.

"Wow Jazz, you left nail marks on her rear." Bee said in an amazingly neutral voice, sounding more like an old British professor than a space alien.

Mikaela, knocked out of her daze by his voice, then spun on HIM. "And YOU! You are NOT helping!"

Bee tilted his head at her outburst and replied in a reasoning tone. "Well, did you not say, and I quote, _'will you two just bone and get it over with'_'? Is it not what you wanted?"

Bee's logic seemed to get through to my little sister, and she visibly deflated. Her shoulders sagged and her head drooped. "Sorta. Well, yeah… Maybe?"

"Don't fret, Mikaela. Your reaction is understandably dictated partially by your cycle and your lack of caffeine…"

Mikaela smacked his hand. "Didn't I tell you not to blame my anger on my fucking period all the time?"

Bumblebee chuckled and began to guide her out the door, stopping to get her laptop bag off the floor. "We'll be late for school if we delay much longer."

Before he could get her out the door though, she shrugged him off and turned to us, her eyes clear and face determined. We both looked back, waiting for another outburst.

"We are going to talk about this when I get back. Til then, rules." She put a finger in the air and looked at Jazz. "Jazz, my room is OFF LIMITS."

Jazz smirked and nodded.

"Lena, Kitchen table. NO. I eat on that."

"Awww."

Mikaela's eyes narrowed a fraction and I gave in. "Alright alright."

She nodded. "Good. And I want details later."

I grinned again. "How much detail?"

"NOT enough to give me nightmares." She clarified.

"Groovy then."

Mikaela nodded with finality and let Bumblebee guide her out the door, the blonde still smiling like a lunatic. Before he shut the door, he gave Jazz a pointed look, to which Jazz replied with a simple nod. _Goddamn internal communications_.

Once the sound of Bee's powerful engine faded into the distance, we finally let ourselves relax again in the silence of the living room.

Then Jazz started giggling. "Well. That coulda gone better."

I laughed and crawled back onto the couch. "Could have gone worse too, that girl knows more about your internals than I do."

Jazz shuddered. "Tell me about it. I think I'll let Ratch take care of my next maintenance."

The living room fell into a comfortable silence again as we contemplated that, Mikaela doing mean things to Jazz to ensure he didn't mess with me. A slow smirk crawled onto my face as I looked at Jazz, who seemed to be thinking the same thing.

"Think we should tell her about the kitchen table?" I asked.

Jazz twitched. "Fuck no!"

* * *

"_Fuckinfuckinfuckindisgusting!"_

_There were some things one could see and never, ever unsee. Sick, twisted, disgusting, CPU-decaying things that, if he was human, would have triggered an instant gag-reaction. Things he would never forget until his deactivation, and maybe not even afterwards, if the Pit was as bad as he assumed it was._

_Frenzy had never seen such… unsettling things… in his long and strange existence. And he couldn't get those images out of his head, despite a thorough scrubbing of his optics, his body, his optics again, with a bottle of Windex he found under the kitchen sink. He considered asking his Creator to somehow wipe the memory, but discounted the idea quickly as Soundwave, though certainly capable, was no expert in precision memory wipes. Frenzy valued his mind too much to risk it, even for this._

_Instead, he relived every horrible second over and over. The giggling, squealing couple doing very messy sticky naked organic _things_ on the kitchen table, then the floor after they'd _toppled off_ the table in their enthusiasm, and then the noises a few moments later in the living room. The NOISES! The Cybertronion noises! Frenzy couldn't believe it… What in the name of the PIT could that human female be doing to the Autobot that would produce noises like… THAT!?_

_And, for the life of him, he could not figure out how the younger Banes did not wake up during that racket!!! She slept like the dead through the entire thing! It was the only thing that kept Frenzy's hopes up during those horrible moments, the expectation of the young female interrupting the amorous meeting of the two species to complain about the noise, and in turn, rescue HIM from having to witness it up close and personal. _

_But no, it was not to be, and now Frenzy, not only plagued by images of the Autobot doing disgusting things to the elder Banes with his holographic tongue…he shuddered with remembrance… was now stuffed into a leather bag, and had been for three hours now, unable to move for fear of revealing himself and ruining his plans._

"_And, like, this belt cost me a fortune, but, like, it's Prada, so it's, like, totally worth it. Trent will totally notice me now."_

"_Chas, why in the name of Pr… God would you want Trent, that fucking douche bag, to notice you? I told you what he's like to date."_

_Frenzy couldn't take much more 'girl-talk'. If that female Chastity said the word 'like' one more time… well, he didn't carry those throwing stars for nothing. They'd slice through the leather of the bag no problem. _

_And were his processors malfunctioning or did the female Mikaela almost say 'Primus'? _

"_I know, I know, but you also said he had an enormous cock."_

"_I only said that cause… well… Okay, I lied. He's not tiny, but he's not huge. He's rather average."_

_Frenzy heard the stomp of a high heel on ceramic tile and internally groaned. _

"_Like, fuck."_

"_You're not missing out on anything. He's not only very average, but a minute-man."_

_The Decepticon was saved from any further torment by the ring of the bell, and the girls dispersed with a 'toodles' from the Chastity-female and an "uh huh" from the Mikaela-female. He heard the bathroom door slam shut and a sigh of relief from his bearer. _

"_Chastity, my ass." She mumbled, then adjusted the bag Frenzy was currently incarcerated in and began walking. _

_He had to get out of here. He had to report to Laserbeak, had to check on Rumble and make sure he hadn't slaughtered the Lennox family in the night, talk to Ravage and ask him, as a favour, not to eat the Witwicky's rodent Mojo before Frenzy could hatch his well laid plan. He had the compulsion to spill everything about last night's events to his brothers as well, if only to share the misery. _

_After being jogged around in the sack a while longer, Frenzy heard a suspicious sound… clicking sounds and the squeal of non-lubricated metals scratching against each other, and for a moment he had bad recollections… then felt himself put down and the scraping-metal sound came again, but…_

_Oh hell no._

'Squishy femme locked me in a cabinet?_' He thought in disbelief. How dare she?_

_He unzipped his prison from the inside and transformed enough to look around, taking a moment to adjust his eyes to night vision._

_It was confirmed. The female locked him inside a badly ventilated cabinet and left him there. _

'Wait… ohshit_.' The telltale clicking of her shoes getting steadily louder was his only warning before the clicking sound came again and the door swung open, blinding Frenzy with the sudden light. He hadn't had time to transform or get back in the bag, and Frenzy felt the cold tendrils of panic set in. The human would discover him, the plans would be ruined, he'd be taken into custody (if the femme could keep hold of him, that is), and Soundwave would be forever angry with his incompetence. He crossed his arms over his head and waited for the inevitable scream._

"_Hold on a sec Sam, it's too hot for the jacket."_

_THUMP. The weight of the denim jacket knocked Frenzy back, but before he could start his usual screeching routine, the door to the cabinet shut again and he was left covered in smelly human clothing, in the dark, and humiliated._

_But safe._

_He waited a few moments for the clamour in the hallways to simmer down before he started his irritated chattering, one of the few things that comforted him._

"_Pit-damned humans and thier s-s-stupidclothing. Must get outoutout now." He muttered and kicked the bottom of the door. It didn't give one inch. "Cheaphumanmetal! Die!" He kicked it again and it gave a little, but popped right back into place a second later. He knew he was defeated. It was locked from the outside and the metal wouldn't bend enough for him to slink out of. The vents were too small to squeeze through. He was stuck._

"_Fuckafuckinfuck!"_

_He shut his optics for a moment, trying to calm himself. Instead pictures of the elder Banes and the Autobot making squishy noises on the kitchen table assaulted him again and he gave up. Some days it just sucked to be a Decepticon. _

"Frenzy to Ravage!"

"Ravage here, what do you want, Squeaky?"

"GETMEOUTOFHERE!"

**

* * *

**

_A/N: Whee! Finally. LOL_

_Okay, this has been buggin' me since I got the review. When I say stuff online, most of the time I'm kidding or things are taken the wrong way as I have absolutely NO tone of voice online. Heh. I love and appreciate all the reviews, and especially those who are encouraging me, even to write smut. LOL. I love that many of you have faith in my abilities.  Unfortunately, I don't. Hahha, I've written smut before and it was one of those instances of rereading it a year later and going 'ugh, that's just bad.'… I don't want a repeat of that. BUT. I can do innuendo like mad, so I'll stick with that til I get my smut-fu worked out. Heh._

_*lovebumps*, and thanks for stickin' with my procrastinatin' ass!_

_-caz_

_ps: bunny: -glomp- girlie, you make me squee every time i get a 'you got a reviewything' message. LOL_


	12. Chapter 32 Flux Capacitor

Serious LOVE to all of you. Really. Truly. I'd hump all yer legs if you were here. I'd naturally supply the rugburn cream, of course, but still. HUMP.

I'm glad you're enjoyin' it. If a story can distract you and make ya laugh, then good. That's what it's here for. Yay for ficertainment! :P

* * *

_I like these calm little moments before the storm. It reminds me of Beethoven_. - The Professional

* * *

**(32)**

_It took Ravage an hour to get to the school where Frenzy was still trapped, and when he finally picked the lock and freed Frenzy the little mech jumped out of the cabinet with chittering glee and nearly embraced his brother. He stopped dead when he saw Ravage's hastily made hologram and fell immediately to the floor laughing._

"_C-c-cute hologram." He managed to stutter around cackles._

"_Shut up, I was desperate."_

_The little blonde girl, full with pigtails and pink and white overalls crossed her arms and glared cutely, which only made Frenzy cackle all the harder. _

"_There's no time for this," said the girl in a savage, very male voice, and slammed the cabinet door shut. _

"_Okaykay, sorrrrrry!" Frenzy stuttered, attempting to rein in his cackles and skittering to catch up to his brother, who was now stomping away in a very adorable hissy fit. _

"_You tell Rumble and I'll lock you back in there." The little girl growled, button nose wrinkled, pointing a pink-painted nail at the little mech. Frenzy resisted the urge to reply with 'or what, you'll tell our daddy?' and just agreed._

"_Transform then and let's get away from this place. It smells of hormonal fleshies."_

_Frenzy did as ordered and Ravage's holoform picked him up and cradled him close to her…his chest, and started running. '_This form will not last long. It was hastily scanned and I don't have the power to maintain it for any decent length of time,' _Ravage informed him internally as he ran, little shoes clicking and clacking against the hallway floor. A few teenage humans gave the pair odd looks but generally ignored them. _

_Once they were free of the institution and out of sight, the hologram disappeared and Ravage slinked out from under some foliage and nodded at his now transformed brother. _

_Frenzy looked around. "Nnnnow what?"_

_Ravage turned around and presented his feline butt to Frenzy, who backed away with all four arms raised. "N-n-n-ooo thank you."_

_Ravages optics glowed a dangerous crimson and he growled. "Not that, you sick little mech. You have been amongst the humans too long."_

_Frenzy just shrugged and climbed aboard. "Where to?"_

"_Autobot base to meet Laserbeak. He has news."_

"_G-g-groooovy."_

_Frenzy nearly cackled again when the wave of confusion hit him through the bond. "Groovy?"_

_Frenzy ignored it, dug his fingers in to the seams around the neck and hung on for dear life as Ravage shot off across the empty football field at near top speed til they were clear of the grounds and headed to the edge of town._

_Moments later, a blonde teenaged male stumbled out from beneath the bleachers with a still-burning blunt gripped between his fingers and a look of shock still marring his boyish features. Did he just see what he saw?_

"_Huh huh h'oh man, this is some good shit!" He took another long drag, coughed, then wandered back towards the school. It _had_ to be good shit if he saw a cougar and a little metal boy streaking across the field. Hhe even heard the little metal boy yelling 'Yeeehawww!' the entire way. He'd have to buy from that dude more often!_

_He had to tell Sam. _

Wait_._

_Miles tossed the joint and popped a stick of gum in his mouth. _

_Okay, now he could tell Sam. Not like he'd believe him, but it'd be a fun little story to tell._

* * *

When I finally rolled my ass off the couch it was inching closer to 1 in the afternoon. Jazz wanted me to sleep longer but after so many nights of little sleep, getting 5 solid and two not so solid hours of sleep was all I could take. I had to move, even if it was from the couch to the bathtub. I smelt like lake and it felt like there was sand where there shouldn't be.

Jazz naturally protested but let me go, stretching as sinuously as a dude made out of metal could, and wriggled backwards to his 'parking space', transformed, and activated his holo.

"I'ma make some coffee, you want some coffee?"

"Do you even _like_ coffee?" I asked doubtfully, as it really _was_ an acquired taste, especially the armour-melting stuff Jazz made.

"It doesn't do anythin' for me, but I like the flavour."

So we went our separate ways for a few minutes, me to my tub and Jazz to the kitchen, where he turned on the living room stereo by remote and my Lenny Kravitz faves CD blared out. I grinned and turned on the taps to the tub, but left the door open so I could hear the music. _Mmm… Lenny_.

I stretched a little, regretting the lack of yoga lately when I heard everything crack. If this thing with Jazz kept goin' the way it was goin', I'd need a fuckload of yoga just to remain pliable. Maybe some more cardio too. I snorted at the thought and tested the water with a toe. By the time I'd immersed myself, Jazz was walking in with two steaming cups of extra dark roast coffee and a fresh towel over his arm.

"Not that I don't appreciate this, babe, but you're not my butler." I felt a little awkward being 'serviced' like this. Jazz just grinned and put the cups and towel down, then seated himself on the rim of the tub and handed me my cup, which I took with massive appreciation of the scent. "Damn you make a good cup."

"I know."

I scoffed and splashed his jean-clad leg.

"Hey, watch the threads, bitch!" He scruffed my hair up.

"Don't make me pull you in here." I gave him the evil eye and took a sip of the coffee, then groaned. "Ohhh, hell yeah."

The man next to me growled and a second later he was kissing me long and deep, somehow both of us having the mind to hold our coffee cups out of splash-range. I tugged lightly at his dreads with my free hand and internally worked at not swooning like a maiden.

He released me with a satisfied smile and let me recover a moment before quipping, "See what your orgasm-face does to me?"

I gulped a bit of hot java before I could find the strength to talk back. "Yeah, well, you keep bringing me coffee in the tub and you'll see that a lot."

Jazz put on his 'shush, I'm thinking' face and hummed a moment. "Hmmm, wet, naked girl with orgasm face every morning… yeah, I think I can handle that."

I had to laugh. "Yeah, but can I?"

"Keep makin' that face when you get your fix, and find out."

I splashed his leg again and set my cup aside so I could just steep for a while. Jazz didn't say a word when my eyes shut, letting me drift without protest.

After a few minutes of just laying there letting the water rid me of the rest of my tension, I heard some shuffling next to me and felt his presence leave the side of the tub. I opened one eye to see what the hell he was doing and got an eyeful of naked hologram arranging our cups at a safe yet reachable distance, dreads swinging with every movement. I sunk a little deeper in the tub and grinned.

In a moment he joined me with a "Move up, woman," and slid into the tub behind me, one leg propped up on the side of the tub, the other crossed over my own. He made me lean back into him so my head was resting on his shoulder and wrapped his arms around me. It was cramped and wonderful and damned if I didn't want this every morning.

"You need a bigger tub."

"Shush and let me steep."

"Yes'm."

And so we lay watching the steam and comparing our toe-size, giggling when I noticed Jazz's feet were a little weird. He made his pinkie toe too long.

"More o' me to love."

"Mutant."

"So says the girl with a bigger left breast."

I looked down. "Hey, you're right!"

"Freak."

I pinched his hip and he twitched, making water splash all over the floor. "Nasty girl."

"You're only noticing this now?"

Instead of more backtalk, Jazz decided to take his sweet time soaping me up and rinsing me off. I lost what remained of my smart-assery and groaned. _Do I really have to go to work tonight?_

* * *

Unfortunately I did, but that didn't stop me from enjoying my day off with Jazz. After a session in the bathroom that ended up with more water in the floor than inside the tub and a pleasant buzz for about half an hour afterwards, I got dressed and went to chill out in my study while Jazz went to get my baby sister from school. I couldn't focus on my knitting OR my music, always drifting off to remember the last 14 hours with a smile and that feeling of excitement in my gut.

_It really happened! _I _really_ got with an alien. A fourteen foot tall alien that turned into a sex-mobile. Was my life _really_ that weird? I mean seriously. I'd seen and done a lot of shit in my life, and that was eventful enough. Now I had a metal boyfriend who was a soldier in an intergalactic war.

When I thought about it that way I couldn't keep myself from laughing.

So for the entire time Jazz was gone I thought over every little thing that happened last night and this morning, and bust out laughing more than once. Man, what a life. And I really couldn't regret a moment of it. Not one.

By the time the garage door closed downstairs I had come to the conclusion that yes, this was my life, and now it included a giant alien who was surprisingly good at pleasuring the hell out of me, and appeared to not mind doing it. I grinned devilishly and put my bad attempt at a wool blanket down, almost eager to face the music with my sister.

I found her in the kitchen, scowling and pouring a glass of water for herself. She froze in place for a second when she saw me, looked me over, quirked a perfect brow and said, "Wow, you can walk."

That did it. I cracked.

I lost all strength in my legs and slid to the floor, laughing so hard my gut hurt. Mikaela joined me a moment later, barely holding on to her glass; giggling so hard tears ran down her cheeks. We crawled over to each other and held each other up, so weakened from our laughter that even sitting up was difficult.

We leaned against the island and tried to calm down, but it didn't work too well. One of us would smirk, the other would start giggling, then we'd explode into laughter again.

Eventually it drew the three males in the place to the kitchen, where they just stared dumbfounded down at us.

Jazz looked at Bee. "Glitched?"

Bee looked at Jazz and nodded. "Glitched."

Sam stood between the two. "Yeah."

The three simultaneously nodded and backed out slowly, retreating to the living room. How me and Mouse kept relatively straight faces was beyond me.

Still busting out in giggles every couple minutes, we got up off the floor and started doing dishes and listening to the guys playing Halo. Apparently Bumblebee was winning by leaps and bounds.

Mikaela didn't seem too pissed off anymore, so I started talking. Safe subject first. "So how was school?"

She put a glass back in the cupboard with a little too much gusto and I worried about cracks. "It would have been fine except some asshole broke into my locker and stole my laptop."

"What?! Fuck Mouse, you know who it was?"

She shook her head. "No, but there's a lot of assholes who don't like me much now that I'm not with Trent. Could have been one of them."

"Ick. If a dude like that draws that kind of loyalty, I worry about the fate of the universe."

"Tell me about it. I had a girl tell me today she'd pretty much do anything to get in his pants."

"Eww! So what'd you say."

"That he had a small dick and couldn't fuck worth a damn." She said brusquely. I clapped her lightly on the back, a little surprised at her bitterness but proud as hell of her for it. I never claimed to be a good role model.

"Good. That'll spread quickly."

"Unlike any girl he meets from now on." She gave me a sly look.

I choked. "You're twisted, sister."

"I learned from the best."

For a few minutes the only sounds heard were the yells of the boys and the clinking of dishes… then:

"So?"

"So…" _Here it comes_.

A grin tugged at the corner of Mouse's lips. "So what happened to my miniskirt?"

_Oh._ "Ummm…"

"Is he any good?"

"Heh."

"How'd it happen? Did he use the holo? Come on, spill." She spat the questions out rapid-fire and hopped up in down in place with a very wicked gleam in her eyes.

I laughed. "I think your skirt's on the beach at Carlin Lake," I paused when Mikaela sputtered, "and yes, he used his holo a bit and yes, he was tasty. In all three modes." I finished with a wicked grin.

"Ugh." My sister feigned disgust, whether at leaving her skirt at the lake or Jazz bein' a god in bed (or on the kitchen table, which I wasn't about to tell her, ever), I didn't know.

Silence for a few moments as Mikaela stacked pots and I scrubbed heavily at the table, imagining my kid sister sitting there trying to do chemistry homework only to see the outline of a butt print. I hid my smirk as best I could.

Once we were done we hung the towels, feeling not rising tension, just… something sisterly. Not a conflict but a resolution. I came out with it first.

"You okay with this?" I asked seriously, half-sitting on the kitchen table and facing my sister, who had hopped up to sit on the counter.

She hung her head a moment, took a deep breathe, and nodded. "Yeah, I think so. This morning, you know, kinda shocking. And I'm PMSing, and you know how fun I am that early."

"Ohhh yeah."

Mikaela faked insult and towel-whipped me. We both smirked. "Shit, I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later, what with all the ass-grabbing."

"Boy has a fine ass, what can I say?"

She ignored me and continued. "Only thing I really can't figure out is… well, HOW?!"

"How did it happen or how, erm, does it happen?" I finished with a grin.

We both dissolved into girly giggles for a minute and I could tell Mikaela was trying not to picture things. I decided to be a little more evil. "All I'll say is I'm glad I practice yoga once in a while… my legs still hurt."

Mikaela snorted "Oh gross," and towel-whipped me again, but I caught it between my feet and yanked it away, then put it on the table with my foot in a not-that-astonishing but still telling twist and lift of my leg. My sister turned bright red and laughed. "Quit that, you'll traumatize me or something."

"Anything for my Mouse." I untwisted my leg and smiled innocently.

"Don't call me that." Calming down a little, Mikaela looked up at me from under her brows and asked, "So, are _you_ okay with it?"

I nodded quickly. "Took me a few hours to wrap my brain around it, but yah, I'm good."

Mikaela stifled a laugh. "… and I thought your other boyfriends were weird."

"Ugh, don't remind me. Shit girl, Jazz is beyond normal compared to those guys." Briefly I recalled Steve the Carnival Contortionist with 37 piercings, and that set of twins. Well, the twins weren't so bad. Rawr.

Mikaela perked up at that. "Oh! Speaking of boyfriends, Hammond called yesterday."

"SHHHH!" I glanced over at the living room and listened to see if the boys were still occupied. Sam's cry of defeat was reassuring, as was Jazz's victory whoop.

"What?"

I pointed in the direction of the boys and she nodded. "Sorry."

"What'd he want?" I asked in a whisper, paranoid that Jazz would come stomping in. Not that I thought he'd be the angry jealous type but ya never know. I never mentioned to him that I'd dated Hammond for a while a few years back and I had no clue how Jazz would react to that, especially now that I needed Hammond's help so much lately.

"Said something about the Beast and to call him ASAP."

My baby was still impounded and I hadn't gotten the money together to get him out, let alone get him fixed. Hammond was keeping an eye on it while I figured shit out. I made a mental note to myself to call him when I was done with Mikaela.

"I mentioned it to 'Jack, actually, and he said he was interested in tinkering with it." Mikaela mentioned off-handedly, hopping off the counter and grabbing her water.

"Oh? Fuck, that'd help. I heard the new guy was a whiz at this sorta shit."

"Hell yeah he is. But… well, Bee didn't seem to think it was a good idea."

I laughed. "Jazz mentioned something about his stuff blowing up at inopportune moments."

"You willin' to risk it?" Mikaela cocked a brow and grinned.

I cringed at the mini-movie in my head of starting my car up one morning and exploding like that chick in the Godfather movie. "I'll think about it."

"Well, if anything…" she paused for dramatic effect, "you should see his alt-mode."

"He decided on one?" I remembered when he first landed some of my suggestions and fervently hoped he picked one of them, just so I'd have the opportunity to molest at least one of my dream cars.

"And I'm _so_ not telling you which one. You'll have to see for yourself. Trust me, you'll go all lusty."

"You just want my car blown up." Explosions kept appearing in my head but the want of a working vehicle that didn't talk back was an even bigger lure. Something else also occurred to me that I'd forgotten in the chaos of the past couple of days. "Hey, whatever happened with that second landing? Last thing I heard is they got separated in the atmosphere or something."

My sister shrugged. "They haven't heard much of anything. He landed somewhere up north they think, but they haven't heard a signal from him since him and 'Jack separated."

"You'd think they'd go looking for him. Jazz said the fuckin' Con's were up north too."

"North's a huge area. Doubt they landed in the same country, let alone the same area. Nah, they'll just wait for him to communicate, and Ratchet said something about him being too laid-back to worry about something as unimportant as time when there's new things to poke at."

"In other words, he'll show up when he damn well feels like it?"

She nodded. "Hell, they don't even know what he's named himself yet, IF he's named himself something, ya know, earthy."

"Well, if they're not worried, I won't be."

Mikaela went on to update me about the rest of 'the boys', told a few quick stories, letting nothing slip about possible rumours about Jazz and I (she wasn't the best source anyway… that would be Bumblebee), then excused herself so she could nab up her boyfriend to do homework in her room. I didn't believe that excuse for a minute, she was just trying to escape interrogation, but I let her go with a thorough teasing.

"Homework, sure. Want me and the boys to give you some time alone for 'homework'?" I asked slyly as she dragged poor Halo-whipped Sam into the kitchen. Sam's expression was priceless but Mikaela merely glared. I raised my hands in submission and backed out slowly to join the 'Bots in the living room.

Jazz welcomed me onto the couch with an arm around my shoulder, and I settled snug between the two 'Bot holoforms as they splattered each other all over the television. I found myself pulled down as Jazz needed both hands to control the thing and laid my head on his lap and my thighs across Bee's, making myself comfortable. Neither of them seemed to mind, and Bee beat Jazz three times in a row before Jazz came back with an amazing 25-17 win.

After a rather ridiculous couch-dance that nearly bounced me onto the floor, Jazz proclaimed his retirement as Champion of Halo-dom and put his controller aside, much to Bumblebee's protest.

"I beat you more than you beat me."

"Yeah, but I quit as the Victor, so you suck."

The two went on like that for a few moments and I basked in it. It was nice to have bitching boys around again, even though they certainly weren't 'boys' by any means.

_Yeah, this is nice and all, but you got shit to do before work._

_Ugh. _I hated my brain sometimes.

The two were coming close to the girly-handslapping stage of the argument so I stopped them before I could get caught in the middle. I heaved myself up, making sure to put extra weight on Jazz's belly as I rose and pushed the breath right out of him, and got to my feet.

"Well, as much as I like being sandwiched between two strapping young men, I got shit to do. You two have fun."

As I made my way to my room to change for work, I heard the telltale sound of hand-slaps and door-whacks as both their holos and their real forms smacked each other around.

* * *

"_You blew your cover!"_

"_D-d-did not. Female squishy not know it was me."_

"_How do you know that? Some of these squishies are smarter than they act."_

_Frenzy couldn't answer that. He changed subjects instead. "Where's Rumble?"_

_Ravage and Laserbeak gave each other long, annoyed looks. "We told him to lay low. Stupid slagger couldn't resist tormenting those Lennox humans and raised their suspicion, which in turn raised Ironhide's. He's hiding in the forest near their dwelling now, and could not get here for our meeting." Laserbeak replied, twitching his wings in irritation._

'Bite my pipe, all three of you. They were asking for a good tormenting_.' Rumble cut in through internal comms. _

"_A lot of good it did you. Where exactly are you again?" Ravage hissed, knowing full well but relishing the opportunity to humiliate his brother._

_Rumble growled before he answered. '_Inside a hollow tree stump_.'_

_Frenzy cackled._

'Shaddap, Squeaky, or I'll jam this stump right up your exhaust port.'

"_Aaaaaask me nicely."_

_They continued their business while Rumble cursed and bellowed in the background, ignoring him out of many thousands of years of habit. _

_Laserbeak relayed that the poison they'd slipped into the energon supply was working, slowly but surely, at their intended target's cognition and filtration systems, the virus subtly taking out bits of data and programming here and there, quietly enough not to draw much suspicion, hopefully until it was too late to save the Autobot. He was already showing signs of slowed thought and reaction time, and Laserbeak was pleasantly surprised to notice the spark rhythm had sped up a tad._

"_This is an unexpected yet pleasing consequence. Things may come to fruition must faster than we had anticipated."_

_Rumble joined in again, hearing that. _'GOOD! I'm sick of waiting. KILL!'

"_Calm down." Ravage growled. "You'll draw attention."_

_Rumble swore and the three brothers heard a solid _thunk_ as metal fist met wood, then his angry mumbling. _'Stupid crowded human farm, stupid trucks, stupid humans."

"_What are you rambling about, Rumble."_

'There's way too many of those vermin around lately. The Lennox female wanders all the time, I've seen at least a half dozen human males walking here in the past two solar cycles, poking at everything with scanners, and that tiny squishy keeps making horrible stenches, and…'

_Half dozen humans? Frenzy wondered, he knew the Lennox clan only had three members, not 9. Unless his military unit was out visiting, but he doubted it, they gathered normally at the Autobot Base if Laserbeak's observations were correct. And scanners? That alone sounded suspicious._

"_What they look like?" _

'They're all wearing these ugly fucking black uniforms and visors over their eyes, and they drive ugly fucking vehicles."

_Ravage tensed, drawing Frenzy's attention. "Whatwhat?"_

_His brother's red eyes flashed. "I have seen similar humans prowling the Witwicky territory when they are not present. They look as if they hunt for something that is not there, but leaves traces. Like sniffing out a scent. I had not mentioned it before, as I deemed them irrelevant to the plan until now."_

_Frenzy hadn't seen any humans in uniforms around the Banes' residence, but he believed his brothers and made note to keep an optic open for them. _

_Laserbeak nodded his pointed head. "Seems there is another element to consider."_

'Fuck em!'

_Ravage shook his head, but agreed with Rumble. "Crude, but he's right. They may be providing yet another distraction for the Autobots, and Primus knows, they might come in useful in the near future."_

"_Fall guys?" Frenzy chattered, clapping. _

"_Possibly. Or enough problems for the Autobots to make them focus on home rather than abroad."_

'So does this mean I can kill the humans soon?'

_Frenzy sighed at his single-minded brother. "Yes. Til then, keep your p-p-panties on." _

* * *

After Jazz dropped me at work, I called Hammond with the bar phone and arranged to pick up my car tomorrow afternoon. It was still busted up so it looked like poor Jazz was stuck as my chauffer for a while longer, at least til I got someone, maybe Wheeljack, to fix the stuff me or Mikki couldn't do ourselves. I'd probably have to get a tow truck too, as there was no way in Hell I'd ask Prime or Ironhide to haul the Beast for me. Just didn't feel right.

Work wasn't as tiring as I thought it'd be, considering my pounding the shit out of that patron last night, and though walking straight was difficult to manage, I did it. Smokey laughed a few times at me when she'd notice me staring off into space, but that's as far as it got. Mick asked about the car with a jealous lustful gleam in his eyes so I placated him by saying I'd give him a ride in it sometime. I just hoped Jazz would allow it, knowing the dude he was transporting around made him, more or less, cum on the spot. The thought made me snicker. The shift went fast, as all were in good moods, the music was good (despite it being karaoke night) and the customers weren't all that rowdy.

Before I knew it 3 am rolled along and I was stumbling my tired ass outside for a smoke to wait for Jazz. Just thinking his name made me grin. _Mmmm… Jazz…_

"Thinkin' about someone?" Smokey asked with a sly look. I smacked her arm and offered her a smoke just to keep her mouth busy.

Halfway through our smokes, sprawled on the bench outside the bar, I heard the roar of an unfamiliar and powerful engine steadily coming closer at what sounded like high speeds. I knew my boys' engine sounds fairly well by now and it wasn't theirs… probably Mick's ride for the night.

_Speak of the Devil, here he is_. Mick shambled out the bar doors and squished in between us girls without asking, and mooching yet another of my smokes. _Shithead_.

A moment later a dual pair of headlights appeared, followed by a quick flash of metallic silver/white. I looked to Smokey and Mick and they both shrugged. The new arrival sped towards us at breakneck speeds (making me paranoid that it'd keep going til it went right through the bar), then braked hard, spun out at a smooth 270 degrees, and halted about 20 feet away, leaving the three of us coughing dust, and a perfect profile view of a shiny new Dodge Viper SRT-10.

Mick and I gurgled aloud, Smokey made some incomprehensible noise, and all three of us sunk down on the bench just a little.

"Momma wants…" Smokey sighed, reaching out as if she could grab and hug the damn thing.

"Me first, I hate sloppy seconds." Mick countered, slapping her hands down, already drooling.

The Viper rocked on it's suspension for a second before the driver's door popped open and…. Christopher Lloyd's long lost twin stepped out and waved merrily at us.

"Hi Malena!"

My jaw dropped.

It was Doc Brown, I swear. He even had this brownish long jacket and fuzzy hair. And he knew me?!

Doc… the guy… stopped waving and looked a bit confused as to why I wasn't moving or waving back, and Smokey elbowed me in the ribs.

"Huh?" _Shit man, if he says anything about a Flux Capacitor I'll faint_.

"If you're gonna go time travelling, you're takin' me with you. I have a few scores to settle."

I scoffed.

The dude, whoever he was, suddenly smiled delightedly and bounded up to the stairs, manic yet jovial, with a hint of curiosity dancing in his big blue eyes.

_Waitaminute. _

_OH!_

_Duh_.

"…Jack?" I asked carefully, the beginnings of a smile forming.

The man's eyes brightened considerably and he leapt up the remaining stairs to take my hand and shake it vigorously.

"It's wonderful to see you again, kid."

His voice was MUCH different than Doc Brown's. More guttural and with a touch of an accent I couldn't quite place. Up close he looked a bit less like the Doc but still close enough to make me internally squee and cringe that he chose a holo that looked like THAT. I nearly asked him why he didn't go all out and pick a DeLorean as an alt-form.

"You look good, Jack! Didn't recognize you in the new threads."

He picked up the idea and spun around a little. "They feel strange. How do you hum…"

I interrupted him before he blew it. "Nice car too!"

"Huh? Oh, yes, I followed your suggestions and this one fit me best." He looked almost lovingly over at his own form. "Just wait til I make my adjustments!"

I imagined him rocketing down the freeways via rocket fuel and shook my head. "Very shiny."

Smokey none-to-subtly coughed and I took the hint. "Jack, this is Smokey and Mick, my co-workers and fellow automobile worshippers. Guys, this is Jack, he's in from… uhh…" I didn't know Wheeljack's cover story, but he slid into the intro seamlessly.

"Singapore!"

_Or not_. I face-palmed.

Smokey quirked a brow. "Singapore?"

"Well! Time to go! See you guys tomorrow! Night!" Grabbing Wheeljack's elbow, I lead him back down the stairs as quickly as I could before he could say something else weird.

"Really, Jack, Singapore?" I whispered.

"Why not?" He asked.

"What exactly were you doing in Singapore, hun?"

That silenced him for a moment. Then: "Yes, I'll have to work on that. Any ideas?"

"We'll figure it out on the way home."

It took every bit of my willpower not to molest his real form once in arms reach. I actually had to put my hands behind my back and keep em there. I mean, guh, the butt! Those ridgy things on the hood! RAWR… The double green racing stripes up the middle…

The noob noticed my attention after he'd popped his doors open and I hadn't moved to get in yet. _Green stripeythings… mmmm…_

He laughed. "By the way, Jazz said, and I quote, 'no touchy.'"

"Fuck." I walked around the back just to admire him a little more, and stopped dead. I looked up at Wheeljack's holo only to see him grinning like a big goof, and said, "Jack, You… you're a nerd."

His license plate said 'GR8SCOTT'

* * *

tbc

_a/n: I couldn't resist... Can't you just see him runnin' around like doc brown with the fuzzy hair and the big buggy eyes?_


	13. Chapter 33 V for YOU ASSHOLE!

Have I ever said how much you guys kick ass? Sorry about the long wait. Can't make any more excuses except to say OWWY MY LEG and whine about work. rah rah. Enjoy, things are gonna go from bad to worse... :D

Oh, and as usual, I don't own shit but Malena.

* * *

"You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person. You're my favourite person, but every once in a while, you can be a real cunt." ~ Kill Bill

(33)

The ride home with 'Jack was not only exhilarating, but informative. He was a rather chatty 'Bot and was very much in love with his alt mode. He said he chose it specifically because it looked much like his Cybertronian alt, and from the tone of his voice, he was feelin' a little nostalgic when he chose it. As perky and curious he seemed, inside, I could tell, was a mind of an old, tired and reluctant warrior. He took his pleasure where he could, and this alt-mode was obviously a pleasure to him. He sped up a little to get around a shitty old Buick and grinned.

"Science used to be my hobby. I'd tinker with things and… well, they'd fail, but it was still fun to try. All the failures were worth it when something actually worked."

I nodded, letting him vent. He really was an interesting dude, unlike the ranting of depressed drunks at the bar, this guy's stories were at least fascinating and detailed… maybe cause he was an alien Viper, who knows.

Wheeljack's holo looked over at me and again I had to resist the urge to ask about the flux capacitor. "If you can believe it, I wanted to be a racer! I was good at it too."

"I can see it." _Didn't Jazz mention he could fly too?_

"Then the war began and…"

"Priorities."

"Racing became my hobby." His head hung just a little at the memory.

_Fuck, that's depressing_. "Hmmm… Well, think of it this way. Here on Earth you might have more time to, uh, indulge in your hobby. There's a hell of a lot of racers around here you could totally SPANK with this alt. Especially if you mod like you said you would. Hell, I'll even take you on when I get my Beast fixed up."

He'd spank me too, but it'd be fun to get out on a track or something and just let fly. I mentally drooled. Bring the rest of the boys out and let em just go, go, go. _Hooey, I can just see Optimus Prime flyin' around the track as that big-ass semi… wow. _

The prospect of racing a human seemed to knock Wheeljack's morose look right off his face and he positively beamed at me. "You're on! I've already drawn schematics for my modifications; all I need now is materials and the go-ahead from the Prime…"

He babbled on happily in jargon the NASA scientists would have trouble following, and I settled back in my seat and congratulated myself on a job well done. _Can't have the newbie depressed, can we?_ I could easily see how excitable he was when he yapped about science. Hobby my ass, it was an obsession.

"Whoops, hold on!" 'Jack skidded out and spun into a left turn that would have slammed me into the window if it weren't for the sudden tightening of the seatbelts and my death-grip pushing on the 'ohshit' handle. I resisted screaming like a girl.

"You alright kid?" He asked once we settled back to a steady, forward course. I nodded mutely and looked for whatever fortunate creature avoided complete splattery by Wheeljack's 18 inchers, and through a cloud of tire smoke, spotted a midnight blue, perhaps black four-door Ford Taurus with the window rolled partway down and a shocked driver in a suit and a camera staring after us.

_Them again?_

"Jack, we…" _Wait girly, _I thought, _that could have been some poor accountant or lawyer coming home from the bar. Do you NO good seeing boogeymen everywhere. Anyway, your fuckin' exhausted. _"Nevermind."

_Then why'd he have a camera?_

_You'd have whipped out a camera too if you saw this car at random_. Fuck it. _Think about it later when you're not so tired_.

* * *

By the time we got to my place we were deeply immersed in human fuel choices and what they did to Cybertronian systems. I couldn't understand half of what he said but I knew enough from different ecology, geology and chemistry classes to make out the words. _Gotta get my ass back to school if I'm gonna have a hope in hell in holding a convo with this dude_. All I could really make out is that certain types of our gasoline gave them the equivalent of… well, bad chilli farts. Hence why Bumblebee spouted out black smoke once in a while.

"But it's actually good for us in certain aspects, so we put up with it."

"Like me and spicy food." I grinned, imagining little poofs of black cloud coming out of Optimus Prime's shoulder pipe things and failed to hold in a snort.

At that, Jack turned into the driveway to the warehouse… and it was packed. A big-ass black GMC Topkick, a nasty toxic-snot green Hummer, and a shiny yellow Camaro took up all the room to get into the garage. Wheeljack's holo smiled and rolled carefully into the small space between the Topkick and the Camaro, leaving barely enough room for me to open the door and squeeze out without scratching Ironhide's paint.

"What the hell is this, Autobot Party Central?" I looked at Wheeljack with raised brows, not really minding the company but just curious.

Jack grinned. "Yeah, about that… Well, Prime kicked us all out."

Didn't think my brows could go any higher. "Kicked… why?"

We strolled to the front door together as 'Jack answered. "I think he got sick of Ratchet's hovering and Ironhide's grumbling and my…uhh…"

"Poking at the weaponry?"

"I wasn't going to do anything, I just wanted to see it," He near-whined.

I patted the mech holo on the shoulder as he let himself into my house. "Don't worry hunny, I'll find you something shiny and full of gunpowder you can poke at."

"No, you will not!" bellowed a rather vehement snot-green miniature Ratchet as soon as we'd stepped through the door. Apparently he'd been listening in and was not amused. He standing half way up the stairs, holding a pillow, and doing his best to glare holes through my head. The door shut behind us and the rest of the place erupted in 'Hello's and 'Hey Lena's', interspersed with "Wow, you made it back in one piece, good for you Wheeljack!"

I tossed my purse and jacket to the side where I'd be sure to trip over it later. How the fuck else was I gonna find it? "Hello to you too, Ratchet. Nice Holo."

He looked about to bellow again but stopped mid-burst. "I… erm… thank you."

I couldn't resist. As icky as the colour was he looked fine as a mech, and I'd never seen any of them as miniature versions of themselves in holo mode. So as I swept up the stairs to run to the bathroom, I gave him a welcome pat on the ass. "Don't worry Doc, I don't have anything too explosive in here."

"Hey!" The medic twitched and covered his rather big butt with a hand.

I grinned at him. "All your ass is belong to us."

I heard Mikki giggle and yell "Nerd!"

Wheeljack's holo shook his fuzzy head. "That's probably the most action he's gotten in…"

Ratchet took a swipe at him. "Shut your vocalizer or I'll cram my foot in it."

"Noted."

Jazz came bounding up, dreads half tied back and looking lickable, as usual. "Hey, where's mine?"

"Primus, here he goes…" Ratchet rolled his optics and stomped down the stairs and into the living room to join the others. He dropped the pillow by my sister and slumped (as much as Ratchet _could_ slump) onto the couch to watch… whatever they were doing. I couldn't tell, not with Jazz doing his best to get my attention.

I gave it. "Like I'd pass up the chance to grope you in public." I growled with a wicked smile and took my time grabbing his ass, a gesture he returned with a very hungry kiss to top it off.

"Mmmmmmm." Jazz growled and fingered my belt, and there was NO way I could get that horny that fast… but I did.

_Resist! You gotta pee, remember?_

_Oh yeah._

_Damn!_

"Jazz, get off the poor female." Ratchet remarked from the couch, shooting us a look of half disapproval, half amusement.

Taking my chance, I gave his butt a final squeeze and whispered in his ear, "We'll finish this later," before letting him go and dashing up the stairs. The pressure on my bladder was killer!

"I'll hold ya to that!" He yelled after me.

I popped my head back around the corner and grinned. "Handcuffs."

That shut him up.

* * *

I came back down a few minutes later, relieved and changed into less skanky clothing, and immediately was overwhelmed by the chaos. The living room was packed with Autobots and teenagers, spilling over into where Jazz was parked and partway into the kitchen, where right now Sam was carrying out two more bowls of junk food and Ratchet was looking at it with sheer disapproval.

"Hey, don't knock it til you try it, Doc."

"You realize how unhealthy those 'snacks' are for your young body, do you not?"

"You realize we teenagers have a high metabolism." Sam countered, taking his time slowly licking the spicy stuff off of a Dorito.

Ratchet grumbled, and refused when Sam offered him the bowl.

My eyes moved to the living room floor, where my baby sister was, according to the score on the TV, trouncing the Autobot Weapons Specialist in Halo 3 Death Match. They were both laid out on their bellies in front of the TV, manically pushing buttons and manipulating joysticks and crying out in either joy or sorrow every 20 seconds or so. I couldn't see Ironhide's face but by the tension in that giant human holo body of his, he was very displeased. _What a fine ass that bot has…_

Almost everyone else was on the couch, the floor and the lazy boy chair cheering them on, eating, drinking, and just creating the general mayhem that came with an all out Halo fight. Wheeljack was cross-legged next to Mikaela and cheered the loudest when she shotgun-smacked Ironhide's character upside the head for the win.

"SLAG IT!" A fist the size of a ham smashed the floor. "Best of seven." Large muscles rippled as if ready to pounce on my sister and deal with her one on one.

"I suggest a new strategy, Mikaela: let the Wookiee win," quipped Sam from a safe distance, causing the miniature Bot-Ratchet to sputter laughter.

"Quiet boy." Ironhide waved his arm around like it still had a 10 foot cannon attached.

Sam snickered at the futile gesture.

"I know where you live." The Bot retaliated, and Sam's grin slipped comically to something akin to mild terror. Ironhide harrumphed in satisfaction and went back to playing.

_Circus_.

Mikaela looked over her shoulder at me for a millisecond as I hovered around the bottom of the stairs. "Hey Lena!"

"Hey Mouse."

"How was wo… Oi!" Mikaela protested Ironhide's use of the Warthog to run over her corpse multiple times (Ironhide cackling deeply the entire time), and rocketed it as soon as she'd respawned.

"Nothin' big, but here," I threw a few crumpled bills at her, the majority of my tips for the night, "To replace some of your…ummm, missing clothing."

While my sister gathered the money off the floor Ironhide had snuck up behind her character and smacked her down with a pistol.

"Hey!"

"Pay attention, girl."

She growled. "I'll show you attention."

As I stepped around and over the humans and Autobots I heard my sister headshot Ironhide a couple of times. Jazz had claimed a corner of the couch and smiled as I made my way there, shoving Bumblebee over a little to make room.

"Hello Malena." Said the blonde holo, holding a bowl of Cheesies with what _looked_ like possessiveness.

"Hey cutie."

I slumped down between them and wriggled to make myself comfortable, and took the offered glass of coke from Bee. "It makes me feel funny," was his explanation, along with a look of mild revulsion.

"If you think this stuff's bad you should try beer."

Jazz made a disgusted face. "Eww. No, terrible shit."

I grinned. "You're just a beer virgin. Gotta try different ones til you find the one you like."

He shuddered.

And that's how the rest of the night went, just casually sitting around visiting with the Autobots, cheering on whoever was whoopin' ass in Halo, and relaxing. It was perfect. Even Wheeljack got in on the action, taking the controller and getting his ass handed to him by Ratchet (who was surprisingly good at Halo and had to decline many challenges by Ironhide). My sister beat me down, Sam finally beat down Bumblebee, and Ironhide triumphed over my Jazz.

Wheeljack endeared himself to me even more during the evening, effectively breaking up the small tiffs between Ironhide and Ratchet, finding my study and asking if he could explore the books, and he even offered to help me fix my car after he asked about the nearly healed bruise on my head. No amount of makeup could cover that shit up from a species that could see pretty much everything.

"I'll just ask ol' Iron-aft over there to tow it to the base and I'll take a look at it."

Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw Bumblebee's big blue eyes get even bigger, and he started waving his hands around and shaking his head 'no' frantically. I smirked and accepted the offer on the condition that if he was going to make any 'changes', I wanted to be present. I had, after all, heard the stories Jazz and Mikaela told me and wasn't ready to take that kind of risk with my Beast.

Bee literally facepalmed.

By the time everyone left, the sun was up and I felt a step away from demanding brains and shuffling everywhere. It was surprising when I was embraced by both Wheeljack AND Ratchet, and thanked for "allowing us to appropriate your household for the evening."

"It's all good hun, you didn't break nothin'." I gave Wheeljack a smile and a baggie of junk food as he left and watched him and Ratchet argue as their holos faded out. I waited til the four roaring engines had tapered off in distance before shutting the door and leaning against it. "Remind me to drink more coffee."

Jazz had my baby sister in his arms bridal-style and was halfway up the stairs to take her to bed. Sam was crashed out on the couch and was next to be transported, but Jazz would have to help or the poor kid'd be thrown over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and likely dropped.

"Was really sweet o' you not to kick us all out. I know you're tired."

I shook my head. "Nah, I missed having a house full of people."

He chuckled and disappeared around the corner with my sister, and I had to smile at the thought of Mikaela waking, knowing she was tucked in like a kid.

We got Sam upstairs and laid him down next to my sister, who immediately rolled over and wrapped an arm around the boy's waist and smiled in her sleep. Jazz and I looked at each other, all but audibly going 'awwww'. Young love… mushy, but so sweet.

Once we were out of their room Jazz man-handled me into my own room so I could crash. By now I felt my third wind coming in and the living room needed some attention, but he put a stop to that pretty fuckin' fast.

"But…"

Jazz pushed me into my room. "My party, I'll clean it up."

"I'll have to give you a thorough scrub down soon as a thank you."

"Not to mention for teasin' me with handcuffs and not delivering."

"Oh, I'll deliver on that."

His eyes lit up.

"Just not now."

He slumped.

"You clean. Me snore."

"Quite loudly."

"Shut up, I do not. I talk." I laughed and shoved him out of the room.

"Ohhh, I like a forceful woman."

I was still laughing when I flopped onto the bed and cocooned myself in blankets, and was out like a light in seconds. Tomorrow… later today… whatever, I'd have to meet up with Hammond, sometime in the afternoon, work at night, and then Sunday I'd finally have a day off to just sleep. I couldn't wait.

* * *

_Frenzy was having second thoughts._

_As he lay in hiding amongst the crossbeams and vents and listened to the Autobots and the humans playing and chatting like there was nothing wrong in the world, he was also listening to his raging brother at the Lennox Farm. And it disturbed the small mech that for even an instant, he was less disgusted with the Autobots and more by his own kin. _

"That screaming fluid spewing child, oh, I can't wait to get my fucking claws on it_."_

_Frenzy shuddered. Over the millennia he and Barricade were together as working partners, Barricade had shared a little with him his opinions on family. Frenzy, though he didn't show it, gleaned from his friend that he wanted a family, or had, at one point, and he didn't blame him. Frenzy himself had considered it before the war started and Cybertron fell. Sure, he was a promiscuous bot, and loved the wide variety of femmes running around, but in the deepest recesses of his spark, he longed for One. He knew of the bonds created between two Cybertronians that thoroughly loved each other, and even as he played with legions of femmes from one end of Cybertron to the other, he was jealous of those who had only One._

_And oh, the Sparklings!_

_Frenzy adored the little things. Some, sure, were created even larger than he was at full height, but even then they were cute. And Primus did he want one of his own he could fuss over._

_He observed with keen optics the playing silly bots and squishies below him, he wished he could commiserate with Barricade over this. He would understand. His brothers would not. Especially Rumble._

_He listened to his brother describe in vivid and disgusting detail what he wanted to do to that tiny human sparkling and strained to hold back waves of revulsion from the bond between them. Why oh why did Laserbeak not assign Ravage to that human family? At least Ravage, though sickened by humanity just as much as Rumble, would be merciful with the human child and kill it quickly._

_Frenzy started when the Weapons Specialist whooped in victory over the younger squishy female, but relaxed when he realized the yell wasn't meant for him. He almost cackled as he relaxed, finally distracted a little from his gloomy inner thoughts and the mad rambling of his brother. If the Autobots only knew what was going through his head at the moment, they'd be laughing their afts off. Frenzy hated the idea._

_Ahhh, there it is. That speck of Decepticon rage that kept him going through those doubts._

This was your idea. Stick with it. Show your creator and Barricade what kind of Decepticon you are and do your duty with pride and efficiency. _Frenzy bolstered himself with this thought, told his brother to shut up, cut off communications, and settled in. One more day and the fun would officially begin. _

_He'd figure out something to do with Rumble. Decepticon or not, Frenzy would not allow that little human child to suffer. _

"That was always your problem, Frenzy… you always were too emotional to do Decepticon work_."_

"Fuck off_." He internally growled at the unwelcome voice of his winged brother in his mind. What the frag did he know? Frenzy had done things Laserbeak wouldn't believe him capable of while they were apart. "And stay off the comm. line, Autobots all here and worked up with battle simulations."_

"Acknowledged_." At least Laserbeak had some sense._

_Frenzy basked in blessed silence for a moment before he heard the purr-growl of his feline brother in his head. _

"What_?" This was getting frustrating to the spastic little bot. _

"I propose a trade_."_

_Frenzy stopped dead. This was suspicious. "_What?_"_

"You have information; I have capabilities you do not_." was his enigmatic reply. Frenzy was not dense, unfortunately for Ravage, and knew what he meant immediately._

"No tell others of cutesy hologram, in exchange for what?_" _

_Another hiss from Ravage. _"Not only words, my brother. I want the memories." _He insisted._

_Frenzy stopped himself from tapping his foot impatiently. It wouldn't do to be discovered when almost the entire Autobot Army on Earth was within shooting distance_. "I'm waiting."

_By now the Autobots and humans were beginning to disperse and the sun was inconveniently lighting up the area Frenzy was hiding in. He scrabbled to a more shadowed hollow and waited for the rest of Ravage's proposal._

_It came quickly, yet hesitantly. _

"I will stop Rumble from dismembering the human sparkling." _Ravage was a hunter at spark and Frenzy could tell it hurt his brother just a little to protect what he should consider prey. _

"How?"

"That is my business." _Ravage sniped. _

_Frenzy considered this carefully, yet just as quickly as Ravage. Memory removal would hurt, and he liked having something to hold over his brothers, but… Ravage had more sway over Rumble than Frenzy did. Rumble did things simply to slag him off, whereas he seemed to listen to Ravage, was calmed by him._

_He reached across the bond to connect with his brother more directly, a symbol of his sincerity. _"Deal."

_Ravage returned the gesture, as close to a physical agreement as they could get so far apart and quickly cut the connection between them._

_As he ducked into a ventilation shaft, carefully observing the elder human female as she embraced the mad inventor, he rubbed his four hands together in glee._

_Ravage could HAVE the memories._

_He'd already given a copy of them to Laserbeak._

Point for the Rabbit!_ Frenzy quietly danced_

* * *

'_Holy fuck that was intense.'_

Two hours after I'd woken I was still having little flashbacks of my dream. Christ, I'd had wet dreams before, but that was… Guh! When my legs started working earlier, the first thing I did was try to seek out Jazz, but the elusive Bot was nowhere to be found, as well as my kid sister. No note, nothing.

I stubbed out my cigarette and shakily wove my way to the kitchen to get a refill and tried not to think about it. _Ah well, you couldn't boff his robotic brains out with the Mouse in the house…. And you need more coffee, you're rhyming._

After I'd gotten my coffee I ended up outside on the driveway with a foldable chair and a pack of smokes, and I sat there til my brain cleared, hoping that I'd see that telling flash of silver coming from blocks away. After two hours, 7 cigarettes and the latest issue of the Smithsonian, nothing.

And I was still getting flashbacks.

_Anal? With…. No… nono, quit thinking about it… I'll never be able to look those guys in the eye ever again. Especially Wheeljack._

_Coffee. Now._

Another two bolstering steaming cups later I'd had enough of waiting, and got ready for my meeting with Hammond. It was close to 3 pm now and I had to work in a few hours, but I had to see to my Beast first. I left a quick note saying where I was headed just in case they got back before I did, and called a cab.

Oh, I couldn't wait to have my Beast back. No more relying on taxis and Jazz and whatever other Autobot deigned to be my transport. I smiled at the mere thought and suddenly remembered I was supposed to have gotten Mikaela a car months ago!

_Some sister you are. Wonder if Manny's still workin' there?_

A few minutes later I heard repeated beeping, grabbed my keys and ran outside to greet my cab. I quickly gave him instructions on where to drop me off and he drove away, thankfully at decent speeds. I stared out the window in a bored haze, then froze in my seat and dropped my head into my hands. We were already blocks away and it was too late to turn back.

_FUCK!_

_I forgot my goddamn pager._

"You alright lady?" the heavily bearded man asked, slowing just a little.

I shrugged both at myself and him. "Yeah, forgot something. No big."

He just nodded and sped up.

* * *

Why the shit Hammond wanted to meet at the fucking Pre-Bake warehouse was beyond me. Last fuckin' place I wanted to see on a day off. Sadistic sonofabitch.

The taxi sped through the gravel parking lot and stopped ten feet shy of Hammond's ugly-ass rusting blue pickup. Hammond himself was leaning up against the driver's door, running his hands over his clothes and face to wipe away the dust kicked up by the cab's tires. He looked like shit.

Not much of one for formalities with him, I got straight to the point. I noticed the absence of my car and it bugged the hell out of me. As soon as I stepped out of the cab and paid the guy, I growled, "Where's my car?"

Hammond shook his head and a pebble fell out of his hair. "Still impounded."

"What the fuck for?" I slammed the cab door harder than I'd wanted and got a grunt from the driver. I ignored it and he sped off, purposely burning out and kicking up even more dust and rocks, the ass.

Hammond shrugged and coughed. "Hello to you too, Demo."

"I assumed when we talked that you had it ready to go." I walked up to the blonde and looked him dead in the eye. He had the good sense to look guilty. "What's with that?"

Hammond shuffled his feet a little. "You know what they say about assumptions, Banes." This close I could see his eyes dart off to the side a couple times. He wasn't avoiding my gaze, I didn't know what the fuck he was doing.

_He's acting weird_. "What? You in a rush? New girlfriend waitin' for ya?" I half teased. The other half of me was wondering why my spidey-sense was going off. "She hidin' in one of these buildings, all spread out on a blanket?"

He laughed quietly. "No."

"Sick? Ate too much spicy food?" Long experience with this man told me to keep battering him til he gave up. What he'd give up though… who knew. I just wanted my fucking car. I could feel myself getting jumpy and I didn't like it.

"I like spicy food." He replied drably.

_Oh fuck it. I don't have time to deal with his shit_. "Whatever then man, lets do this so I can get the hell outta here. I have to work tonight."

Hammond stiffened.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "What?"

"Uhhh, yeah, about that…" His voice shook.

_Oh for fuck sakes, I'm not THAT scary! Wait, what'd he say?_ "Ah fuck, don't tell me."

Hammond shrugged. "Sorry Banes."

"Awww fuck_." Well, at least now I know where that impending sense of doom came from_. "I thought I was doing okay." _Shit, I thought I was doing great!_ "Eddie said so at least."

"Eddie? Wait, no." Hammond waves his arm at the warehouse. "This place."

_Shit. Wait, good. Wait… I dunno. Explains why he chose it as a meeting place though._

"You still look stupid when you think too hard." Hammond cocked a grin finally.

I was on immediate auto-reply. "Fuck off." _Eh, I was gonna quit sooner or later. Preferably later, but whatever._ I tried not to let the news of losing my warehouse job upset me too much, and focussed on the relief that my spidey-senses were for once not tingling from imminent danger or something seriously fucked.

"You still look like an owl, all fuckin' round-eyed and twitchy."

"Owls aren't twitchy, shithead." _And that's only half of where the name came from, butthole, so shut up._

"Owly girl." He prodded.

"Don't make me bitchslap you _Reggie_." He hated his first name as much as I hated being called Owl.

Hammond growled. "Blow me."

"Not even if you paid me, hun." We never said nice things to each other. That was half of the fun back when we were dating. _Too bad he's such a shithead._

He grinned. "Heh, and the new girlfriend would kill me."

"Oooooh, Hammy's getting' some puuuussy."

I felt myself relax the rest of the way with our banter, and even if Hammond was growly and mad, that was alright. "Don't fuckin' call me Hammy."

"Waitaminute, she ain't inflatable, is she?"

Hammond gave me the finger and I followed him around to the back of the truck, where a six-pack of beer, a pack of smokes and a few manila envelopes lay.

It was business as usual from there, us sniping at each other over beer and paperwork; all the while I worried about what to tell my sister and Jazz about the job. Granted that finances had stabilized a little after a lot of double shifts and overtime, but I wasn't feeling safe quite yet. _Maybe Eddie can give me some weeknights…_

While Hammond sorted through some papers and tried to explain shit to me, I looked around the dust and found a good sized rock. Good weight. I chucked the fuckin' thing at the back of the warehouse and scowled deeper when it bounced off the wall. "Made me smell like bleached flour anyway." I grumbled before hopping up to sit in the truck bed. Hammond joined me, sitting on my left, chuckling and handing me another paper to sign. Some shit about declaring the car totalled…

_WHAT?!_

"They wanna total my car? Fuck that!"

"Banes…"

"Fuck. That. I'll fix him myself if I have to." I practically yelled in his ear.

"Shut up, will ya!" He yelled back. He always hated it when I yelled at him.

I was silent for a second, and then I grinned. "Now _that's_ the dickhole I know." I slugged him lightly on the shoulder.

He deflated. "Sometimes I really hate you, Banes."

"Sorry. All twitchy 'n bitchy right now." That was as close to a sincere apology he was gonna get from me. He didn't deserve me yelling at him, but shit, he was _right there_, and sort of used to it. I always shot the messenger.

And, as per usual, he rolled with the punches, just cocking a blonde brow at me and smirking. "Didn't get laid last night, huh?"

I glared daggers at him. "Fuck off."

"Thought so."

This was disturbingly fun! I hadn't had a chance to spend more than ten or so minutes with Hammond in weeks, not since he first helped me clean up the warehouse I was currently living in. He got his hands dirty and worked hard right next to me, just like the old days when we were dating. It was pretty cool to be by his side again, bullshitting and getting each other mad. As much as we hated/loved each other, there was that trust there as well, built over years of watching each others backs through thick and thin. He was someone I truly counted as a friend, and to me those were few and far between.

Well, at least til a few weeks ago. I was pretty sure I could add Jazz and Sam and Bee to that list. The others I wasn't so sure about yet but hey, I barely knew em.

Hammond caught me staring and narrowed his eyes. "What?"

Embarrassed, worried that he might think I was checkin' him out, I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Spider."

"WAHHHH!"

He leapt off the truck like it was roasting his ass and danced around wiping at his head and shoulders, whining the entire time. "Oh fuck, dammit…. Shit, woman, is it gone? Come on, is it gone?"

That was another thing we had in common, the ridiculous and unfounded terror of eight-legged creepy little fuckers. We'd both done our share of stupid spider-ridding boogies during the years, but it didn't stop me from laughing my ass off at him now. "Yeah, yeah it's gone you big baby."

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me earlier? Fuckin… just stares at it…" He shuddered and mumbled, looking around the gravel for movement.

"Wanted to see how long it'd be til you noticed."

He huffed. "Tell me again, why did we date for so long?"

I laughed. "You had a fabulous ass."

"Had?"

After a quick boot to my calf he hopped back on the truck, once he'd checked it thoroughly for crawling things, and glared at me and my stupid grin. "Bitch."

I made a kissy face at him and snatched up another pile of papers, other options other than totalling my car. Whoever the fuck looked at the Beast didn't know a carburetor from a vibrator, there was so much stuff in this list of damages that could be fixed with very little money and a lot of elbow grease. Skimming multiple times through the list I kept getting distracted by little fantasies of letting Wheeljack 'James Bond-ize' my car. Rocket boosters would be the shit!

"You're muttering again." He said between sips of a newly opened can of beer.

I took a drag of a smoke and sighed. "Mmm." _Shit, my __**mom**__ could fix that._

"Heard you have a boyfriend now."

"Hmm?" _I can bang that out with a hammer, no problem._

"Drives a real nice car too I hear."

I finally clued into what he was saying and looked up from the damage list. "Spyin' on me, Reggie?"

Watching his pale face turn red always amused the shit out of me. "I have my connections." His smile didn't quite reach his eyes. _Was that jealousy?_

"They inflatable too?" _Connections. Right. The hookers on 5__th__ don't count, boy._

He snorted and shuffled through some more papers, letting the conversation drop. I mentally withered with relief. No way was I in the mood to explain my new man to my ex-man. Too fucked for a Saturday afternoon.

I kept half an eye on him and reread the list… but that niggling sense of something fundamentally _wrong_ with this whole deal wouldn't leave me alone. I found I couldn't even focus on the damage list anymore, only thinking of getting the fuck out of here and back home for a nap and some nookie.

_So he knows you have a boy toy, so what? He doesn't know he's a 14 foot silver robot. Relax for fuck sakes_. I lit another smoke in defiance and peeked up at Hammond for a second, watched him wipe his palm over his face again. He was sweatin' like a pig, and sure it was hot out, but Christ. If he was still panicking about the spider, therapy was in order.

I sifted through and found the proposed repair papers and looked through it again, nabbing Hammond's pen right out of his shirt pocket and checking off one or two things. No way was I authorizing the super expensive yet easy to do shit. I wanted to do it myself. _Which tow companies haven't ripped me off yet? _

The pen went flying as a loud crash, like metal against cement, scraped past my ears and echoed off the surrounding buildings. "Fuck!"

Hammond jumped, rocking the truck, knocking one of the envelopes off the side. "Jesus Banes, you're jumpy."

"Shhh." I frowned at him for a second before turning my attention to one of the many broken down warehouses behind me. Most of them were still in use but there was a five story brick building with busted windows just across the street, and I swear that's where the noise came from.

"You gotta lay off the coffee."

"Shut. Up." I listened carefully, trying to block out the sounds of the highway and the breeze and focus all my attention on the warehouse.

Ever since running into the Decepticons I'd been more than a little paranoid about scrapey metal sounds. This wasn't a big mech sound though… more, well, terrestrial. _Rats, knocking down some chairs or something. Maybe some bum crashing his shopping cart. _

Hammond shrugged and also turned to look for whatever scared the shit out of me, and that's when I saw it, tucked into his ear and nearly invisible if it weren't for a the wind blowing his hair out of the way.

_What… wait, is that what I think it is?_

White hot rage and a niggling sense of dread barrelled its way into my gut, but I reacted on instinct. Before he could turn back, I reached out and ripped the nearly invisible earpiece from his head, ignoring his startled cry, and took a closer look. It was transparent, small, and obviously high tech and something I'd never be able to identify if I'd stumbled onto it in a store. _Fuck, I must be tired if I missed seeing THAT for so long!_

I looked up at Hammond, feeling betrayed and angry, and shook the earpiece in his face. "What the fuck is this?!"

"Malena…" He started, but I was too enraged to listen. I jumped off the back of the truck and threw the little plastic thing to the ground in disgust. Why the hell was he wearing an ear piece? What was he trying to do? Was it cops? I hadn't done anything overtly illegal lately, if one didn't count assault and interspecies mating…

I repeated, "What the fuck _is this_?"

_Oh fuck. Is it those dudes in the government cars? How?_

"You're thinking too hard again." Hammond had the cheek to say as he slid smoothly off the back of his truck, holding the other envelope and took a step towards me. All nervousness was gone from him now that he'd been discovered… though I was still unsure of WHAT I'd discovered.

I took a step back. "And you were transmitting."

He didn't deny it. He didn't say _anything_.

"Who to?"

He had the good sense to look guilty for a moment, and I knew I was crackin' him. Instead of backing off I rushed forward, took his collar in my fists and shook him hard. "WHO?"

In any other situation this would have been funny. The dude had half a foot and 40 pounds on me and I was shakin' him like he was ten. Wonderful what rage does for the system.

He got fed up with it quickly though and shook me off. "Calm the fuck down, would ya? They just want to talk."

"Oh, it's 'They' now, huh? The infamous 'They'. Well dear Reggie, where the fuck are 'They'?" I looked over his shoulder at the metal noise emitting warehouse and growled, "There?"

Ignoring him for a second I found the earpiece I'd previously tossed on the ground, not bothering to dust it off, and yelled into it. "HEY ASSHOLES! Next time you pick someone to weasel out information make sure you hide the transmitter somewhere, ya know, HIDDEN, not in his fucking ear. You fucking idiots."

Hammond dropped his head in his hand. "Like where, my balls?"

I glared at him. "Last place I'd wanna touch."

Hammond shrugged. Looking back at the earpiece I grinned with a horrid idea.

"_I'm Henry the 8th I am, Henry the 8th I am, I am, I got married to the widow next door, She's been married 7 times before, And every one was a Henry , HENRY! She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam, NO SAM, I'm her 8th old man I Henry, Henry the 8th I am! Second verse same as the first!_

_I'm Henry the 8th I am, Henry the 8th I am, I am_…"

In my head I imagined them throwing down their headsets and running from their recording devices. _Banes, you're evil_.

Hammond shook his head at me as I sang as loudly in a butchered British-accented punk voice as I could. "Banes, you're evil."

_Okay, that was just creepy_. I stopped singing and chucked the earpiece away again, as far as I could. "And you're street pizza once I get my hands on a car."

"Didn't really have a choice in the matter."

"There's always a fucking choice."

He gave me a deadpan look. "You say no with a gun pointed at your head."

"Coward." _Back in the day I woulda taken a bullet for you. Nearly did, you shit!_

Hammond growled. "Enough. Just… just get in the truck."

_Get in there with him, you die_. "Don't think so."

"They just wanna talk."

"And I like pink and Shih Tzus and Britney Spears." I looked behind me real quick, trying to find the nearest place to use for cover. No way was I gonna go near that truck without the keys, cause shit if I couldn't remember how to hotwire things anymore. Goddamn my shitty memory.

While we bantered I kept an eye out for movement from the warehouse. If they were comin' for me I wanted some warning first.

_But… oh shit, what if they had a sniper or something? All those open/broken windows… shit. SHIT… oh shit._

The gravity of the situation hit me just then, thinking I should have left something for Mikaela, a warning, anything. Why the fuck hadn't I told them about the cars following me? Why didn't I bring something pointy to defend myself?

Why was he doing this?

"Why? What the fuck did I ever do to you? Besides of course all the fucking times I pulled your ass out of the fire?" It was true. We'd been backing each other up for years, and I _trusted_ the asshole up til now. He was one of the few guys I could rely on and now… fuck!

"Hey, you only have yourself to blame for this. _You_ came to _me_ for information about that shitstorm in Mission City. Not my fault they found me."

"I'm sure. You're always so blameless, ya fuckin' martyr."

Hammond huffed, spoke in a softer voice. "Look, if you don't get in the truck and talk to em' willingly, they said they'll go after your sister next."

_Mikaela… Oh hell no_.

My teeth clenched as I looked him over. He was bigger than me but I knew his weak points. Steeling myself, I rushed forward again, catching the man off guard, and slugged him in the nose. "Don't you ever… EVER fucking threaten my baby sister."

Hammond hit the ground holding his face. "Fuckin hell… you still have one nasty right hook, Demo."

"Hurts?" I asked in mock sympathy.

"Of course it does!"

"Good." I kicked him in the gut while he was prone. He grunted and curled in on himself, and that's when I saw the corner of that manila envelope peeking out from underneath his dusty jacket. "Ahhh, what's this now?"

He groaned in reply and moved when I rolled him, sliding the envelope out from underneath him with my foot. It was open, spilling its contents on the ground in a trail from his body to the tip of my boot.

Photographs.

I knew I didn't have much time. These assholes, whoever the hell they were weren't going to wait long after seein' me take down their stooge. But I had to know.

Without taking my eyes off him, I knelt a little and picked a few of them up, and froze when I saw what they were.

Wide angle shot of a silver Solstice and a yellow Camaro getting a wipedown.

Zoomshot of my livingroom, a silver body covering most of a very naked human girl.

Another zoomshot, this one of Carlin Lake and two people on top of a Solstice.

A third… Last night… my face once again, staring out the window of a speeding Dodge Viper.

"Didn't know you could still bend that way, Banes." The sonofabitch cocked a brow and sat up.

They'd been spyin' on me for weeks! "You fucking pervert." _Does he still keep his keys in his ass pocket?_

Hammond laughed hoarsely. "Right, that's comin' from the one who's fucking aliens."

_Okay, well… Ummm… how're you gonna bullshit your way outta this one, genius_. Never in my life had I been grateful for forgetting something at home. If this is what I thought it was, the last thing I wanted right now was my pager, and its memory of text messages from certain giant alien robots. Who knows what else Jazz did to it? Though I did wish I left something more substantial than a note saying 'Gone to see a man about a car,' for Mikaela.

"Alien. One. Single. I'm only fucking ONE alien…" _And how weird does that sound? _"You're not whacking off to these, are you?"

Hammond suddenly swept his leg out and kicked mine out from underneath me, and I fell to the ground with a surprised squeak, letting the photos fly off in the breeze and losing my breath when I landed in the dust.

The sack of shit lost no time, rolling over on top of me and pinning me down with his weight before I could recover. I struggled and kicked and fought for my breath back but he really was a lot bigger than me and I was just so fucking tired.

He leaned down, ignoring my pushing against his chest, red and angry as I've ever seen him. "Always had to do everything the hard way." I felt his hand close around my throat. "I don't know what the fuck these guys want with you, and right now I don't give a shit." He growled loudly, staring down at me with rage tingeing his eyes red.

"Fuck you." I felt my hope slip as my body weakened. I could barely breathe with his near 200 pounds sitting on my gut and his hand around my throat, my head was swimming. There was no way out of this.

Hammond, to my surprise, smiled. "Nah," he said softly, "I've seen those guys. I don't want to get stomped on."

Then he winked at me.

He winked. _The hell?_

I felt his breathe in my ear as he spoke again. "They can't hear us, but they can still see. Make it look good."

I felt air rush back to me as his hand loosened from my neck, then a cold weight being pressed into my hand. I glanced down and saw Hammond's right hand holding a gun and closing my fingers around it. I looked back up with him, once again surprised, and felt something like hope trickling back in. He looked… resigned.

"Struggle a bit more would you?" he hissed impatiently.

… _Okay._ I punched him in the chin. He cringed and punched me back, though very lightly. I yelped.

"Keys are in my back pocket. Go."

I hesitated, unsure. _What the hell was he doing?_

He saw it, understood. "I'm an asshole, but I'm not a fucking asshole."

Agreed. But even though he betrayed me and… and god knows what else, I couldn't leave him behind. "Come with me." I wriggled as if I was still trying to get him off me.

"I do, I'm dead. They'll know."

"Not if I do this right." I went into action immediately, bringing my leg up and kneeing him in the balls. He yelped and rolled off me, and I smacked him lightly across the head with the butt of the pistol he gave me. He curled into the fetal position protecting his balls and dizzy as shit, giving me the chance to get at his ass pocket and the ring of keys within.

As I grabbed the back of his collar with one hand and tried dragging him towards the truck, I heard scuffling noises from the warehouse. _Shit. Hurry up. _I held the gun to his head with my other hand and whispered, "Help me out, goddamn it!" There was no way in hell I was gonna be able to drag him with one hand, he was just too big.

Hammond pretended he was having trouble getting up, so I yanked at his collar and poked him in the head with the gun. "GET YOUR SORRY ASS UP AND GET IN THE FUCKING TRUCK!"

He got to his feet, still bent in pain from the testicular assault, and let me use him as a bit of a shield as we sidestepped to the driver's side of the truck, the entire time with the gun pointed at his head but my finger away from the trigger.

From the warehouse I heard doors opening and closing and an engine or two start up. "Fuck."

I whirled him around and pushed him so he practically fell into the front seat, never taking the gun off him but keeping my eye on the warehouse. Hammond crawled over to the passenger seat and sat low, but waved with one hand for me to hurry my ass up, struggling obviously not to grin. I had to agree, this was sort of fun in a heart-stopping terrifying 'I'm going to die' way.

I began to climb in after him when I heard a loud POP, then two more, and the triple thump sound of impact on the open driver's door.

_FUCK they're shooting at me!_

Hammond grabbed my hand and yanked me inside and onto the seat just as a fourth Pop and whistle sounded and the front window smashed, raining glass down on us both.

"Stay low, you get hit by one of those things and we're both fucked."

"No shit." I dropped the gun on the floor and struggled to get the damn truck started as another two darts flew through the window and stuck in the seats. Christ, these asshole's weren't fucking around!

It was right out of the fucking movies, this whole thing. Surreal… and for the life of me I couldn't get the fucking key in the fucking ignition and the engines were getting closer and they were still SHOOTING at me! I fought down the urge to completely panic but it wasn't working very well. All I could think about was waking up somewhere with a bag over my head and bright light and dudes in suits with needles full of truth serum or some shit and then finding out they got Mikaela too, maybe Jazz… Oh fuck, oh FUCK.

Then the key slipped in and I turned it and the engine came to life with a roar and I whooped and Hammond grinned. "About fuckin' time."

I shook as I turned myself around enough to stomp on the gas. "Shut up, Reggie."

Our bodies slammed back into the seats as the truck flew forward. I popped my head just high enough to see out the busted windshield and spun the wheel so we were driving the fuck AWAY from the dudes with sleepy-darts and black bags.

We bumped over the edge of a sidewalk and onto pavement, I heard the leftover beer bottles smash as they flew out of the truck bed, and faintly regretted losing all those papers for my car, as ridiculous as it felt. The stupid gun flew and skittered across the floor as the truck skidded and finally straightened itself. Hammond made to reach for it but I had to jerk the truck to the right again to avoid splattering a dude on a bicycle and it slid right out the still open driver's door.

"SHIT! BANES!"

Hammond was half on the seat and half on the floor with his hand under my legs, looking up at me. I had to laugh. "Relax man, if this thing still has its balls we won't need the fucking gun."

I stomped on the gas and Hammond smacked against the seat. "OW."

"That's what you get for spying on me you fucking perve."

I hadn't heard any shots for a minute or so, so I risked sitting up straighter and shutting the damn door before I flew out of it. Hammond wriggled and fought and finally got himself upright, and buckled his ass into the seat before I made him fly again. He was huffing and trying not to massage his balls and bleeding from where I punched him in the nose. I mustn't have looked much better, but hell, at least I wasn't bleeding. But my adrenaline was up and I felt hyper-aware of everything yet at the same time hazy and confused and… shit, what was I gonna do now?

Hammond seemed to have the same thing on his mind. "Where're we goin'?" He looked at the rear-view mirror and cursed. "Fuck, they're behind us."

I kept my eye on the road. "How many?"

"Two." He replied. I nodded and sped up.

"What now?" His voice held the edge of panic and I felt kinda good that I wasn't the only one.

"Now?" I looked over at him. The stupid shit. "Now, we go someplace crowded and lose the fuckers."

* * *

_Booyah. :D *hug*_

_OH!_

_Malena mentions a dream earlier in the chapter. Merisel was a love and wrote me smut cause i'm a big chickenshit. To read it, go to merisel-1.(dot) livejournal(dot) com/1323(dot)html . Warning you now though, it's EXTREMELY R Rated. pretty much XXX. :D If you're an LJ user, comment the girl!_ Try not to do anything untoward to your screen. :D


	14. Chapter 34

"_I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!" _- Liar Liar

(34)

"Demo, you know that pretty pedal on the right? Try, you know, stepping on it."

"Shut up, I'm concentrating."

The initial shock/ rush wore off pretty damn fast, and as I watched the two dark blue sedans in the rearview mirror quickly close in on us, I felt that telltale tremble all over, the one that said 'oh shit, this is too much,' Just for kicks I experimentally took my hand off the steering wheel and held it up in front of me, and yup, it shook like a leaf. _Fuck._

"Call your boyfriend or something, we need some backup." Hammond bitched.

"That's a great idea, how about I just pull over here and you can find a phone booth." I snapped back sarcastically. Hammond looked out the window at the pavement speeding past at 70 miles an hour, then back at the pursuing sedans, and slumped into his seat.

Okay. Say you lose these assholes, whoever they are. Then what? Dump Hammond and let fate decide? Keep him and let the Autobots have a shot at him, find out what he knows? Fuck, no, I can't go to them! What if I'm followed? What if they have some wierd alien torture device I don't know about? You don't know them as well as Mikaela does... and sure, these government guys seem like amateurs but who the fuck knows if after I lose em, I find out they bugged the fuckin' truck? I can't call them out here for back up either... shit, that's exactly what these dudes would want... Mikaela told me what happened to Bumblebee...

_Hell with it. First thing's fucking first. _

"Hang on to something." I growled.

Hammond obeyed without question for once, bracing himself as best he could when I stomped the gas. _Where where where where…OH! _It was a half-assed idea, but better than driving around uselessly all fuckin' day til they finally got sick of my shit and shot the tires out, which frankly I was surprised they hadn't done already.

The cars behind us sped up as well, and I cursed Hammond for not taking better care of his truck. It used to be an ass-kicker but while I was out East he let it rust out… what a waste. Back in the day we'd have left these jerks in the dust and laughed the entire way, now it struggled and made scary engine grinding noises that made me think he shouldn't even have the fucking thing on the road, let alone have someone like ME drive it. I'd just make it worse.

"Dude, you neutered your truck." I blasted Hammond. He scoffed but didn't answer, staring at the side mirror with a shade of terror in his eyes.

The turn I'd been waiting for came faster than I'd thought it would and I took it, speeding around so fast that the truck nearly lifted off the right tires and came dangerously close to sideswiping a classic dark blue 'Vette that I gasped in fear. Hammond _used_ to be semi-indifferent to my (lack of) driving skills, but now…

"No no **no**, oh shit, _Aaaah, not the Corvette! _Fuck, Banes, why'd I let _you_ drive?"

I grinned as the truck straightened out and watched as those assholes chasing us nearly slammed into the same Corvette, barely making the corner themselves. "Shut it, it's kidnapper protocol, we get the wheel."

"Remind me not to let you nab me at gunpoint again, would you?" Hammond muttered as he hung for dear life to the 'Oh Shit' handle and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Relax, you pussy, we're almost there."

The Thomas Savini Shopping Center was finally in view, and the target parking garage was only a block away now, and just in time. One of the two sedans was right on my ass, the other right beside us, pacing us. The car beside me revved his engine and the passenger, yet another ugly ass dude in a suit and sunglasses made signs for me to pull over. At least they weren't dumb enough to shoot at me yet. But if they got desperate…

I yanked the wheel to the right suddenly and the truck skidded into the parking garage, making poor Hammond scream like a little girl as he held on for dear life. Our pursuers were going way too fast and obviously didn't anticipate me veering off like that, and they shot right by the entrance, leaving us temporarily alone and for the moment, hopeful… well, I was at least hopeful, Hammond was too busy bitching about my driving.

"Could have given me some warning!"

"Oh for fuck sakes, it worked, didn't it?" I snapped impatiently.

Hammond huffed but otherwise didn't argue. Now wasn't the time anyway.

"We gotta ditch this truck." I mentioned, knowing damn well Hammond wouldn't like it, but was smart enough to know it was a must.

"Yeah." He said regretfully, patting the seat beside him.

I drove the loop de loop up a couple levels, keeping it as quick and silent as I could, all the while keeping my eyes peeled for those assholes sneaking up on me. By now they'd have turned around and gotten in here, if not had the place surrounded in one form or another, definitely the exits… shit. I could hear the engines of their cars on the lower levels.... they were gaining.

Hammond looked defeated. He'd slumped deeper in his seat, blonde hair falling into his eyes, frowning deeply. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He'd risked his life to get us both out of there. The cheesy show we'd put on was just enough to get us away, no way did they actually believe it now. He looked like, well, he knew he was expendable now.

I tried to cheer him up a little. "Sorry hun, but you're gonna be late for that date with Miss Inflatable."

He shot back quickly, "Eh, she was a little too flat-chested for me anyway."

"What's with men and titties? I never understood. Were they never properly weened from their moms or somethin'?" I grinned to myself, glad to distract him while I searched the aisles for yoinkable cars or an exit door into the mall. The car would be ideal, we could blow through any half-assed blockades with it, but an exit into the mall would be even better. It'd be easier to lose ourselves in a crowd and exit the mall without the wheels, and the assholes chasing us down couldn't exactly extract us when we were surrounded by people… shit, unless they pulled the 'we're government agents, get out of the way' thing…

I wished Jazz were here. And god, wasn't that just _cheesy?_

Fuck it. None of the options sounded good but they were better than sitting around here waiting to get kidnapped or shot. I let myself out of the truck and Hammond followed, reluctantly, giving his baby one last long look before catching up to me.

I hated these places. Like sardine cans for cars, and they echoed like mad. I wasn't wearing heels but I swear the people four floors down could hear every step I took. It was making me very paranoid, well, more than I was already.

Hammond's not so quiet voice suddenly rang out right next to me, making me jump. "Where to?"

_Heh_. "First, Burger King. I got a serious jones for a Whopper."

"You still can't take shit-all seriously."

"Hey, If I stayed serious all the time I'd be all wrinkled and ugly like YOU." I retorted, pushing past a pack of emo-boys and their equally droopy girlfriends just inside the mall entrance doors. Hammond followed, making a small parting even bigger and causing one of the kids to whine. I yanked him closer and into the jam-packed food court, hissing, "The point of this little exercise is to AVOID detection, dipshit."

He replied with a shrug. "Spur of the moment bully-nostalgia. Sue me."

"Dink."

We rushed through the food court and into one of the main areas, surrounded by electronics stores and clothing outlets, walked quickly hand in hand (as much as it killed us) to the closest joint that looked semi-respectable, and ducked inside.

The clerk smiled politely at us as I explained the situation.

"My man here needs a geek outfit to impress my dad." Then, quietly, "He won't beat him up as bad if he looks like a geek."

The clerk, Shannon, grinned up at Hammond and disappeared into the racks to hunt for something appropriate, while I went off to do the same. Poor Hammond,the typical male stood lost and alone and probably wondering how the fuck he got into this situation.

Despite the situation being sort of desperate, I had fun finding the most humiliating clothing for my ex boyfriend. Shannon the clerk and I met in the middle, shoved Hammond into a change-room, threw some clothes at him and ordered him to change. Grumbling,, he did as he was told while I ran off to find something for myself. I found a jean jacket and a purple scarf, and a skirt that wouldn't make me look skanky but also wouldn't bind my legs if I needed to run. I changed into that mid-aisle while waiting for Hammond. If there was something I was good at, it was changing clothes without showing flesh. The scarf I used to hide my hair. At fist glance, I'd not look like me, and that could make all the difference. And no way in hell would they be looking for the Nerd of the Year version of Hammond. Might buy us a few more precious seconds.

The lock on the change room door clinked, but the man inside hesitated.

Shannon the sales lady goaded him. "Come on, get out here, lets have a look."

Grumbling, Hammond emerged, and as soon as he was fully in sight I bust out in helpless laughter at his attire. Light coloured slacks and a pink Hawaiian shirt adorned with pineapples and flowers I'm sure the ingenious Shannon dug out of a bargain bin. He moved to look in the full length mirror and slumped in defeat. "I'm in the fucking twilight zone." He gave both me and the poor saleslady glares of death through the reflection. "How come you get to look like a fashion plate and I have to dress up like the guys I used to beat up in high school?"

"Cause you're an asshole, and this is payback. Now, put these on." I handed him a pair of 'fashion' horn-rimmed glasses that upped his geek quotient by a million.

"Fuck off."

'Its either this or I introduce you to some very tall scary people." I didn't have to say who.

"I hate you."

"I know."

We emerged from the store with lighter wallets and wary hearts, trying not too act like escaped convicts but at the same time watching out for bad guys. We carried our old clothes in store bags, just in case we needed them later. Made us look like casual shoppers too, thank goodness.

My next goal was to get us out of the mall as quickly as I could. I saw a couple of phone booths and everything in me screamed to call my sister, warn her about these guys... but I didn't. Not yet anyway. Not until Hammond and I were safe, and not until I knew for sure the call wasn't going to be traced, not until I knew those assholes were on the other side of the city.

I stopped at a cookie stand, not only to make us look good but my tummy was growling horribly, and that stupid part of me was thinking they could trakc me by my loud belly. Dumb, yes, but the cookie was worth it.

'_Ugh, he still talks with his mouth full,'_ I thought with digust as Hammond asked me again why I hadn't called Jazz.

"I won't risk him... oooooooh shit." I ended with a harsh whisper.

"What?"

"Two of em, 11 o'clock."

They were standing near the escalators, studying the shoppers as they boarded, and scanning the crowds. They couldn't even do undercover very well, standing out like sore thumbs, looking way too much like cops with thier earpeices and sunglasses and stiff postures that it made everyone passing them look uncomfortable. It took every ounce of willpower not to break and run the opposite direction. Instead I gripped Hammond's hand a little tighter and kept walking, keeping one eye on the two men and the other on Hammond. Couldn't have him break role and run, now could I?

We walked as casually as we could and boarded the escalator, and I felt thier gaze fall on us... _oh fuck... we can make it, we can... they don't see us, we're not us, we're a couple of nerds just perusing the electronics... leave us alone... _I chided myself for not getting anything to cover my eyes, even a decent pair of sunglasses would have done fine, but noooo... My heart pounded in my chest as we passed not five feet away from them. _They'll recognize me man, fuck, how dumb _am _I? Shoulda went the other way. You dumb shit._

We'd gone down a couple of 'steps', and I swear we were going to be pounced, when Hammond spoke up.

"So when do we have to pick up the kids?" He said in a horribly nasal voice that nearly made me spew cookie crumbs all over the old lady on the step below.

In a voice I picked up from watching way too much TV in college, I replied haughtily in a slightly accented lilt, "As soon as you find a new sweater, dear." I finished with a sniff and a slight chin up stance, like he was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen, and was embarassed to be seen with him.

"Yes dear." Hammond did his very best to look cowed, but his eyes sparkled like he was having way too much fun. I had to admit I was too. Then, under his breath, he whispered, "They're still staring."

"Fuck."

But by the time we got off the escalator and went for the next one, they hadn't yet persued. Either they were stupid or blind, but somehow, we fooled them.

"Front doors." Hammond tugged at my hand.

I tugged back. "No. They know we're in here, they'll be waiting for us there. We need to find a back entrance."

"Split up?"

"No."

'"Then wh..."

"Shut it, I'm thinking."

He squeezed my hand hard enough for it to make me wince. Never did like being told to shut up. "Ass."

"Bitch."

As we passed another store I could practically see the lightbulb in my head. I looked up at Hammond. "You owe me new pants."

_Is it a Hammond thing or a blonde thing to look that dopey when confused? _I smirked internally at Hammond's head-tilt and "Huh?"

I shook my head and yanked him into the Gap.

* * *

_Frenzy was getting extremely bored. After the Autobot Halo party the night before, nothing much happened for hours and hours. He skittered around the scaffolding listening to the humans snoring and talking in their sleep, watched the silver resurrected Autobot clear the main room of trash, then transform and fall into recharge. After that, nothing for hours upon hours, and with the place so full of human life and a very hearing-sensitive enemy, Frenzy felt unsafe tinkering with his toys, putting the finishing touches on his plans._

_So he sat and chatted with the others, watched TV crime drama on the internet, cruised YouTube, downloaded music and took pictures of his aft and sent them to Barricade, despite the communication blackout. Barricade got back to him quickly, berating him for taking the risk of long distance communications, but despite the rough mental tones, Frenzy could hear the humor in his voice. Barricade must be bored to not have ripped Frenzy a new exhaust for that. He quickly cut the comm. anyway and went back to harassing his brothers._

_Surprisingly, the first one up was the younger Banes, Mikaela. She plodded into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, put some dishes in the sink, and fell asleep on the kitchen table. Frenzy was tempted to throw something at her just to see her jump._

_Next was the Autobot, who shifted forms and somehow stuck his entire head and arm into the kitchen to poke the young human. She lifted her head off the table and glared at her guardian._

"_Go. Away."_

"_G'mornin to you too Mousey."_

"_Ugh." Her head hit the table again with an audible 'thunk'._

_Megatron's murderer came down next, looking hairy and dishevelled. He sat across from his mate and copied her pose, head resting on this crossed arms. _

"_G'mornin Captain Underpants!"_

"_Blegh... wait, what?"_

_The Autobot backed out before the male could do much, activated his holo-form and poured everyone that nasty brown coffee. By then the human was back to his original pose and half asleep. How they made it to adulthood sleeping as much as they did, Frenzy didn't know._

_For the next hour he occupied himself with watching the threesome consume beverages and putter around, slowly coming out of their sleep-induced stupor, and chatting about their plan for the day. Samuel Witwicky would rejoin the yellow brat Bumblebee and do 'chores' while the silver Guardian and human Guarded ran off to do a 'special errand' they would not elaborate on, only that it had something to do with the elder Banes female. The two of them looked so devious and happy that it made Frenzy a wee bit paranoid. The place cleared out fast after the yellow Bot arrived with a quiet beep, both Autobots and their charges rolling silently away, leaving only the Elder Banes there alone and in deep recharge. _

_Now would be the perfect time to implement his plan... she was alone, unaware, unsuspecting, at her weakest..._

_But she was not awake. What would be the fun of wreaking vengeance for his partner and scoring one for the Decepticons if the victim didn't scream a little?_

_So again he waited. _

_But this time was spent much more productively. He knew from experience that this human could sleep in the middle of a battlefield, so he was alright with making a little noise. He'd pause once in a while when the female made noise, but he felt a lot better about it after he actually physically checked on her... _'must be dreaming'...

_The concept of Dreams wasn't a new one to Frenzy. It was another thing that Cybertronians and humans shared, though, as was logical due to their makeup, the pathways were different. For his people, it was all re-processed data and discarded considerations, images they'd not had time to focus on and process, memories replayed. For humans it worked differently, but the idea was the same. Thoughts they'd had and discarded, secret desires, secret horrors, ridiculous things that passed in and out of their organic brains... Frenzy had read up on human dreams, he found some of them interesting. Especially the ones that were deemed prophetic, or the completely ludicrous dreams of children. _

_So whatever Malena Banes was dreaming about, it had to be good, just telling by the noises and movements she made as she slept. _

_Frenzy's spark nearly exploded when an alarm screeched right next to him and the human female sat straight up in her bed, eyes wide and chest heaving. He threw himself under the bed to hide, hoping desperately she didn't have the sudden urge to look under there for something (With all this mess it would surprise Frenzy if she could find ANYTHING), and cringed when the box making the screaming beeping sound went flying across the room, accompanied with harsh human cussing. _

_It occurred to him that the female and his brother Rumble would probably get along wonderfully. Obviously if they weren't on opposite sides of the war, that is._

_It took a good hour for Frenzy to work up the nerve to sneak out from under her bed and find a better hiding spot where he could keep an eye on her. _

_Once she left, Frenzy relaxed and explored more of the place, finding something, a band, he thought Barricade would like, and downloaded all of it. During the download he must have drifted off into recharge, because next thing he knew the sound of two engines were outside and the garage door was sliding open, and there he was, smack dab in the middle of the main room's floor on his back._

_Frenzy never moved so fast in his life._

_But the car that rolled in was not Jazz or Bumblebee. Up in the rafters, hoping he hadn't been spotted, Frenzy watched the younger Banes step out of the vehicle and strut right back out the garage door, waving for someone else to enter. A moment later Jazz pulled in and parked, a tight squeeze next to the silver and black monstrosity, but he made it without scratching either of their paint-jobs. Mikaela flounced back in with the hologram of Bumblebee, (Frenzy guessed he couldn't fit anymore and was now relegated to the driveway. He felt no sympathy) as Jazz transformed and looked down at the newcomer._

_Frenzy scanned the new arrival quickly, then chittered at himself when he realized it was not going to stand up and shoot at him. This must have been the infamous Beast the humans were always talking about. He didn't see what was so great about it. Aestheically pleasing and an obviously powerful engine, but that was it. What good was a machine without a personality? A machine without a mind was just a tool, and Frenzy knew these tools were below his consideration..._

_But – it was a considerable thing for the Banes, most especially Malena. He got a wicked idea._

"_Mikki girl, this is the best idea you've had in weeks."_

"_She'll positively explode when she sees this, Mikaela." _

_He must've been thinking quite loudly about his new idea, because Rumble popped in suddenly and mentally hugged him._

_'Frenzy, my brother, you are one devious evil Decepticon. I'm proud of you.'_

_'Piss off.'_

* * *

"Hurry that ass up!"

We'd snuck out the back exit of the store and were now running like shit down the grey brick back hallway towards salvation. Hammond was about ten paces ahead of me and I was already regretting being out of shape and buying a goddamn skirt. _Stupid stupid stupid._ I booked it as fast as I could, ignoring the pounding fear and focussing on the giant red exit sign leading to freedom.

We burst through the doors together only to find ourselves on the street and surrounded by dozens of people and a few city buses. Seeing a great escape route, I grinned. Hammond caught it and deflated for the twentieth time today.

"I hate buses."

"Want some cheese with that whine, Reggie?"

"Fuck off."

We threw some change in and boarded the bus closest to us, and huddled down near the exit doors, trying to look inconspicuous but failing horribly. We didn't even peek out to see if we'd been followed. If we had, they'd have boarded behind us and stopped us by now.

When the bus started moving we breathed a collective sigh of relief, feeling that thin bit of hope blossom as the bus lurched further and further away. Every block or so of our travel one or the other of us would pop up and check the back window for those blue sedans, but it was all clear. I thanked Lady Luck silently and grinned at Hammond, who seemed in a state of mild disbelief that we escaped so easily.

"Either we're getting better or they're just fucking stupid."

I laughed. "I'll take the second one. I'm not all that good at being sneaky, ya know."

"I still can't believe that fuckin' worked."

"Hey, have some faith in me Reggie, I've escaped mall security enough times to know what I'm doing."

"Trust me, those guys weren't mall security."

"Close enough." I scoffed. They really were idiots... if they had any streak of professional law enforcement or government training they'd have caught us before we even got into the mall. Hell, they would have nabbed us back a the warehouses!

We rode in silence for another ten minutes before getting off in some rich suburban area, not unlike Sam's..._shit, it might very well BE Sam's... wonder if... no, if Mikaela's out, so is Sam, and so is Bee... and I don't quite trust Hammond with that much information._

Hammond seemed to have the same general idea and asked me again why I hadn't called in the cavalry.

"Because that's exactly what those assholes would want me to do... that, and do you really want to meet my new man after what you pulled?"

"Uhhh. No. No thanks." He waved a hand and wandered away to go look for a car -

"Not flashy." I instructed.

'But"

"No."

- while I searched out a set of plates to steal. At least this way the cops wouldn't find our stolen car so easily. They'd be looking for the make and model but the plates would be wrong. And nobody really looked at their plates, they might not even notice they were gone for a few hours or a day even. At least, I hoped not.

We knew the routine, going separate directions and achieving our goals at least four blocks away from each other, and meeting up again in the same spot near the bus stop. It was all done quickly and by the time we were back on the road in our newly stolen Camry the sun was close to setting but still very light out.

I picked up a pair of sunglasses and some snackables at a gas station and instructed Hammond to head northeast out of the city. We hadn't spoken since he brought the car, grumbling about how meek and ugly it was in comparison to a hot Ferrari he found in someone's driveway. I just shook my head at him. But the questions remained between us the whole way, permeating the interior of the car until I was ready to scream and Hammond was almost constantly brushing his hair out of his face. Not to mention the chain-smoking. Just like the old days.

Hammond broke the silence in his usual ridiculous fashion. "Beer me."

"No beer." I replied regretfully.

"Humph."

Quiet for another three miles. By now we were cruising through brushy desert and the sun was at that annoying angle where the visor was NO help at all.

"Gas station." He nodded his chin out the window at the distant Chevron station and pulling into the right lane.

"Good enough?' I asked, knowing what he was thinking.

He nodded silently and had another puff of his smoke, then tossed it out the window. "Hope they have beer."

I was running on automatic, not even thinking about how mad my sister or my man would be when I finally contacted them. I should have back in the mall, or... or thought of something. I needed to keep focused on the next step, getting Hammond safe and the fuck outta dodge.

Most would have just handed him over to the Bots for interrogation, but not me. Despite him being a fink, and I hated to think it, but I trusted the guy more than I trusted the Bots, and I'd rather have my uterus yanked out with a spork than betray him like he did me.

With that thought I looked over at him and gave him a firm punch in the arm. "You're a shithead."

"OW!" the Camry skidded a little but like the good driver he was, he corrected smoothly and immediately glared back at me. "What the fuck was that for?'

I slugged him again. "You just HAD to get involved, didn't you?'

"You asked me to!"

"I asked you to look into Mission City for me cause someone at school said he saw my sister on the evening fucking news, butt-head, not get nabbed by some creepy government agents and get all wrapped up in... in alien stuff. Or for that matter, following me around and taking pictures of me and Ja.... my man fucking!'

Hammond smirked at my obvious uncomfortableness. "That was definitely interesting."

I slugged him again, though lighter and with a slight grin.

"Does he honk when he cums?"

My Coke went spewing all over the windshield and for the first time today I was happy I wasn't sitting in an Autobot.

"He does?!?' Hammond swerved again and that only made me laugh harder. Between breaths I managed to choke out a "No. And quit changing the subject."

He cackled.

"Pervert."

"Look who's talkin'!"

We drove on til the gas station was totally in view, pulled in, and got out to stretch our legs. I knew this was our goodbye, and who knew when I'd ever see him again. We both knew the deal, and we proceeded without even consulting each other, like back in the day when we seemed to know what the other was thinking. Synchronized.

Hammond shook his leg and stretched his arms above his head. "You sure this's a good idea, Demo?"

"No, but it's for the good of mankind."

He scoffed. "Thought you might hand me over to em... ya know, interrogation."

"Nah... you know aliens and their anal probes." I joked. Sort of. Hey, they _did _have a medic...

"You talkin' from experience there?"

I quirked a brow at him. "I'm kinky, but I'm not THAT kinky. You know how big their fingers are?"

We didn't even need to talk about it anymore. We both knew he was taking off for safer grounds. But I was no mind-reader. I had to ask about 'them'."

"Who are they?"

Hammond tossed me the keys and sighed.

"They never really said. No names, nothing. I overheard shit about weapon testing and experimentation, but nothing really specific."

"That's sort of expected, you involve big aliens and you get wankers trying to make weapons out of em." Big aliens, new chemicals, new animals, new ideas, everything went into some way to kill ourselves. It was a wonder the Autobots bothered with our species.

"Maybe not... they weren't taking their guns, Malena."

That stopped me. "Who's?"

"I saw something that could have been one of 'them'. Stripped down to bare parts, and sure, the weapons were removed, but..." and he hesitated.

Maybe I _should_ take him to the Autobots.

"Don't look at me like that, Banes."

"Like what?"

"Like your considering paper cut torture."

"Good idea...."

He slammed the door. "For fuck sakes!"

"But what?" I pushed for the info. As fun as it was bitching at each other this shit took priority.

He glared for a second, then dragged his ass over and sat on he the hood of the car with me. I handed over a bottle of water and he slugged the whole thing back before answering me.

"But... they were taking biological samples."

"Buh?"

"You know, the whole CSI thing, cotton swabs, chips of metal, fluids, they went through every bit of that thing and wiped it clean. Saw a lab with a bunch of science nerds, testing shit."

"The hell?"

Hammond shrugged and offered me another smoke.

"What'd he look like?' It occurred to me the boys would want to know. Heaven forbid those fuckers got to the noob before he could even get to us.

Hammond replied without hesitation. "A helicopter."

My heart froze. "What?'

"It looked like a chopper, except in pieces, charred... like it got hit with a bomb. Hell, I'd never have known it was a robot if I didn't see its hands."

A bomb... or a ten foot plasma cannon. Mikaela had told me Ironhide fairly liquidated the area before they left so there wouldn't be any evidence, but who knows? And whatever was left _should have been_ cleaned up by Keller's boys, or Simmons... its not like they'd miss cleaning up a corpse of a giant helicoptor...

This was getting a little too far over my head.

"Breathe!" Hammond's palm whacked me in the back.

"Ow! You penis!"

I made to hit him back but he slid easily off the hood and back out of reach. "Hey, it worked." He quipped, repeating my earlier words.

"Try shaking me or something..... ow." That stung!

"Payback."

I threw a shoe at him and missed. He just laughed.

"Shut up, you shit, I haven't eaten anything decent in hours."

"Excuses excuses."

"I'm gonna run you over when I leave." I promised, also sliding off the hood but heading for the driver door.

"In that case I'm keeping your stank fuckin' shoe."

"Hey!"

I made to chase him down but he ran closer to the safety of the gas station. I huffed and crossed my arms, yelling out to him, "I'll assume you don't know anything else important?"

"I do, but I'll tell you when you give me another bottle of water."

"Where was this place?"

I threw it high and far and the lucky bastard caught it, and I got his wallet tossed at me in return.

"Burn that. And I don't know, they gagged and bagged me. Couldn't see shit."

I checked the wallet for money first, out of pure habit, then, finding nothing, stuffed it in my back pocket. "Give."

He took slow steps backwards as he spoke, already 20 feet away. "They're tracking more than you and your boys, Lena."

"What?" _Fuck..._ "Who?"

"Didn't say, Just that they hadn't seen one that small before.."

._..Doublefuck. Small... SMALL! That Spazz-bot that sounded like an over-caffienated chicken! Wait, didn't Jazz say he had brothers? Triplefuck._

"They're here?"

"Yeah."

"Still up North, right?"

"In Tranquility."

_Fuuuuck._

"You're thinking too hard again."

"I gotta go." I mumbled quickly, slipping halfway into the car before I remembered. "WAIT!"

Hammond spun around on his heel and yelled, "I know you love me, don't make this dramatic 'n shit."

I gave him a sour look in return. "No... You said 'their weapons' ... meaning more than one. And..." I paused. "I want my fucking shoe."

"I didn't see the other one... or ones. Just heard talk about retrieval, like they didn't have them yet.. And no, you're not getting this back. It's got sentimental value now."

"Bastard." I roared after him in the car, yelling the entire way, but the son of a bitch got to safety before I could flatten him. He hung cheekily out the door and waved my shoe around. I pulled the car up next to him and stuck my hand out.

"Shoe."

"Olive."

_Smart-ass._ "Give. Me. My. Shoe."

A trucker at a nearby pump was watching intently, and Hammond played it up, wagging the shoe back and forth like I was a dog wanting a bone. "Make me."

_Wanker. I gotta go!_ "I'll call your mom." I squinted at him, and my shoe instantly came flying past my face, missing by a mere inch.

"That's evil, Banes."

"Thank you. Now get the fuck out of here before someone shoots you in the ass."

I pulled away from the station and had made it about ten feet before Hammond caught up, grabbing on to the door. I braked and made to chew him out... fuckin' could have ran him over... but he put a stop to it fast.

"Lena-" He paused, out of breath.

"Hmm?"

He sighed, reaching up and rubbing the back of his neck like a guilty kid. "Sorry."

That was unexpected. I smiled at him a little, grateful, but sure as shit not going to show it. "You should be."

"For fuck sakes, Banes, can't you even take an apology without being a bitch about it?"

I thought a second. "Nope."

Hammond gave a frustrated grunt and turned to stalk away, but I stopped him this time. "Reg!"

"WHAT?" He roared, beet red.

I hung out the window and tossed him my smokes. "You'll need these, it's a long walk to Minneapolis."

He hung his head and grinned. "You know me too well."

"Say hi to your mom for me."

He continued walking back to the station, waving. "I will."

After he disappeared inside, I idled there for a couple of minutes, just... thinking. Shit, I hope he'll be okay. But before I could change my mind and go get him, take him where I pretty much knew he'd be safe, to the Autobots, I pressed the gas and turned around, heading full bore back to Tranquillity... to my sister. If those assholes so much as breathed in her direction... Oh shit, I gotta call off work. Shit, I gotta call Jazz! He'll watch her ass for me... Shit!

I stepped on it, blowing the speed limit all to hell in my hurry to get back to civilization, and a payphone.

* * *

I never used this number. Never.

Well, once other than the time Barricade got me, but other than that, never. Why would I? Before he came to live with us, I had no reason to call him, and after, he was always there, or I'd just call Mikaela and find him that way. It felt weird to call an Autobot on the phone, no reason to explain it. Just like I couldn't' explain how Jazz tapped in and got himself a phone number. No clue.

I had it memorized anyway, just in case.

I pulled the now extremely dirty Camry over and parked her next to a fire hydrant, giving her a thank you pat and leaving a 'Sorry' note for the owners. Not much of a consolation for having one's car stolen and Coke sprayed all over the inside windshield, but hey, we were desperate.

There was a phone booth just across the street and although my mind screamed for me to check in and warn everyone ASAP, the small intelligent smudge of brain in my head said to find another place, just in case. That and I wanted to distance myself from the Camry, they could be tracking it now that enough time had passed. Anyway, ten minutes probably wouldn't make much of a difference in comparison to the near four hours we were on the road. So I ignored the phone and instead walked about seven blocks west, towards an area I sort of knew. There I found a phone booth AND a bar that served food. Thank goodness, I was about ready to chew off my own foot to stave off hunger. Even better, they didn't know me there, and was overflowing with scary biker types who probably wouldn't like dudes in suits invading their space. No safer joint in the world for a girl on the lam.

My hand shook a little as I lifted the phone off the hook and deposited some quarters... god, what was I so afraid of? I didn't do anything wrong.... well, besides not calling for help, letting em know what was going on... I could just imagine the reactions.

It took half a millisecond after I punched in the numbers for the smooth metallic bass of Jazz's voice to come on the line and yell my name in my ear. I yanked the phone away from my ear as he bellowed and ranted, both amused and a little afraid.

"MALENA! Where the fraggin' hell are ya? Ya didn't call, we've been lookin' for ya fer hours! Mouse's worried sick! Wait, you hurt? You okay?"

_Holy..._

Before I could say a word though, there was a click sound and my sister's slightly hysterical voice came on and proceeded to chew me out.

"LENA! Fuck, woman! 'Went to see a man about a car', my ass! Where the hell are you?"

Sensing a millisecond chance to speak, I took it. "You know fucking well I had a meeting with Hammond today about my car."

"No, I told you he called ABOUT the car, I didn't know you were supposed to meet with him to get it. Which makes absolutely no fucking sense because WE HAVE YOUR CAR." She finished at a near screech, laced entirely with heavy sarcasm.

But her words totally did not compute. "Buh?"

"Ears plugged again?"

"Hey Mouse, lay off her." Jazz tried to calm her down, being the best one to do it. Unfortunately it didn't work.

"We. Have. Your. Car. Went through hell and horrible fees to get it too. Fuck Lena, how many speeding tickets did you get?"

"W-"

"Never mind, fuck all that. Where the hell have you been all day that you couldn't get to a payphone and let us know where you were?"

Why I felt like a scolded teenager, I couldn't say. I think Mikaela'd been watching wayyyyy too much TV drama. Minus the cussing, she sounded like every kid's worried mother. Scolded or no, I had to know...

"You have my car?"

She actually growled. "That's not the point!"

I shook my head. "Yes, it is. I went to get my car from Hammond. He said he had it. And YOU have it?"

Nothing but silence on the line.

"Good, that worked. Now will you shut the hell up, super-bitch, and listen to me?"

"I'm not a b-"

"GIRLS!" Jazz filled the line with loud static and we both squealed.

"Jesus Christ Jazz."

"Try being IN him when he does that."

_Well, at least she's safe._

Jazz huffed. "You girls gonna be civil?"

I tried not to laugh. "Hun, we're Banes girls, civil is not in our vocabulary." I half-joked.

"Maybe not yours..." Mikaela jabbed.

"Oh take a fucking Midol woman."

"HEY!" Static again.

"STOP THAT."

"I will when you quit actin' like a kid in a tantrum." I heard her grunt and I could totally visualize her pouting in his front seat. "Now, Malena, go ahead."

Fuck... I hated being talked to like a child, but unfortunately he was right, we were both acting like squabbling toddlers. So I swallowed my pride and told the story, from the meeting with Hammond, the betrayal, and our escape before Mikaela butted in again, this time with righteous anger.

"That son of a bitch. I knew he'd pull some more bullshit on you sooner or later!"

"Chill baby, he redeemed himself." Jazz attempted to sooth her, but he didn't know Hammond and he didn't know my sister's opinion of him. Sure, she tolerated his ass for years, and they got on okay, but she warned me so many times while we were dating that he was a creep. For someone so young at the time her intuition was good, and she ended up being right. Never lorded it over me either.

"Chill, my ass," She argued. "Lena, if I have to patch you up again because of him I'll bitchslap the both of you so hard gramma'll feel it!"

Suddenly another, foreign voice pushed into the conversation, the cultured voice of an agitated medic.

"That would defeat the purpose of patching her up, would it not?"

Mikaela snipped right back at him. "It'd be worth it. And ask before you butt into a private conversation!"

_Wow, she's really riled. I'd think twice before chewing out the medic._ Might be a big softy but he had a fucking saw.

"Can I say something?" I asked meekly, only to be met by a triple reply of bellowed 'NO!'

Jazz asked over the cacophony of Mikaela and Ratchet's sniping if I was really alright and I told him that aside from a few bumps and scratches, I was fine.

That got Ratchets attention. "Who bumped and scratched you?" he asked, not knowing how perverted that sounded. Being as tired as I was I had to laugh, and I heard Mikaela break off her bitching to snigger a little. Yay for tension relief.

"Look guys, this is the deal. We got some serious shit to watch out for now..." I went on to explain what Hammond had told me about who these guys were and what they might have wanted with me. I shouldn't have said nothin' about the pictures though...

Jazz, needless to say, was displeased. I could barely hear him growling. "I'll kill 'im."

"No you won't."

And as an unexpected backup, another voice came on. "Jazz, control yourself."

_Ah shit , Prime too?_ Aliens or no, did they not understand the concept of private phone calls?

Jazz grumbled again but acknowledged. "Yessir."

Prime hummed a moment, then turned his attention on me... and yes, he still scared the hell out of me. "Malena, we need to speak with this Hammond."

"Ummm..." I hesitated... they were NOT going to be happy.

Mikaela anticipated me first. "Oh hell, don't tell me you set him loose?"

I got defensive at her tone. "Fucking right I did."

At that, four voices raged or tried to reason in my ear, their combined sound so loud I had to hold the receiver away from my ear again, cringing. A passing biker gave me a strange enquiring look and I shrugged.

"Boyfriend?"

"Kid sister."

The biker laughed and made a face in sympathy, then walked into the bar. Which only reminded me that I was fuckin' hungry. But instead of hanging up on them and letting em sort it out for themselves, I stayed on and listened to them rant about Hammond.

Mikaela piped up. "Hes not a bad guy. He's just stupid."

I interceded. "True."

Another voice barged in, a gruff deep and obviously angered voice. "I can obliterate him for you if you want."

"No obliterating ex-boyfriends Ironhide, no matter how much they deserve it." Mikaela deadpanned, like she'd had to say this almost daily... _Ohh. Oh shit..._

"MIKAELA!" I screeched, and all conversation stopped.

"...oops."

There was a hushed sort of growl on the line, and I felt my gut clench. "Ex... boyfriend." rumbled Jazz.

"Sorry Lena."

"You're grounded."

"Hammond was your Ex?"

I huffed again. "Yeah, he was. We dated for a while, but he really pissed me off and we've been broken up for a long time. We're just friends now."

He was silent for a sec, then sighed. "Alright, cool. Been in the same spot once or twice."

"You big slut." I teased.

"Hey!"

"Why did you let him leave, Malena?" Ratchet interrupted, sounding irritated.

_Well, girl, time to be honest._ "I didn't want to give him to you."

"What? Why not?"

"I don't know how you interrogate people. Lets face it, you guys are soldiers, and you want someone to talk. Whenever I thought about it I got some nasty fuckin' images in my head." _You're not saying this right..._ I sighed. "It's not that I don't trust you guys. You seem like a great bunch, but well, he had me first. We came up together. I know him inside and out and aside from today, he's never given me a reason NOT to trust him."

"And we have?" Jazz asked quietly, hurt. The others muttered in the background, and I felt like a jerk. A big fat boneheaded jerk.

_Ouch. Just ouch_. "No..." _How the fuck am I supposed to reply to that?_ "Shit babe, in the past five hours I've been ambushed, shot at, chased across the city, stole a car, and had to pretty much abandon a dude I've known half my life to fend for himself cause whoever the fuck those guys were probably want his fucking head now. I'm not only in a bad mood but I'm hungry and I'm getting chewed out by a bunch of aliens and my baby sister like I'm a fucking disloyal idiot. I'm tired and I'm not saying anything right. Can we talk about this shit later and deal with the big problem?" I was begging by the end there, just wanting to make things better but not up to doing on the phone. I wanted to talk to him, long and in person. I had to fix this.

_Better cut the alien talk, Banes, you're in public. _

"Okay. But I'm holdin' ya to it." He conceded, unsure but more perky.

I grinned and purred. "Baby, you can hold me any way you want."

"Oh god, cut the porn dialogue, please?" My sister begged, obviously trying not to grin herself.

"Awwww." Jazz whined, goofily thank goodness. Better mood meant more civil conversation later. I sighed in relief and leaned against the phone booth, looking longingly at the bar and the beer and greasy food within.

"Look guys, I'm feelin' a little exposed out here. Don't know if they can track phone calls or not but I wanna get inside and fed."

Prime agreed. "Best to keep you hidden until we can safely retrieve you. In the meantime, I want all of you to find your charges and bring them to the base. Report anything suspicious directly to me, but avoid direct contact... and yes, this includes waving your cannons around, Ironhide."

Everyone snickered but Ironhide, who only replied glumly with a 'Yes Prime'.

"Malena, take care of yourself, someone will be there soon." He then said to me.

"Watch your own asses, guys, these fuckers aren't messin' around. They're not very good at being sneaky, but they're determined. Jazz, keep both optics on Mikaela."

"Gotcha."

With that, everyone but Jazz and Mikaela disappeared with a click. It was quiet for a moment before Mikaela spoke up again.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah sweetie. You don't even need to patch me up this time. I just need a really long fuckin' shower."

"Can I help?" was Jazz's predictable reply.

"Only if you say please."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Oh, stop it you two." Mikaela giggled. "Honestly, you act like fuckin' newlyweds."

"Rawr."

Jazz hummed for a second. "Lena... any idea why they went after you first?"

"God knows. Every one of us have had direct contact with you boys, the Lennoxes, Sam's parents, Mikaela, hell, even those two computer nerds you told me about. No clue why they came after me first."

"Luck of the draw?"

"Hah, luck, right. And if I'm lucky I'll break my own leg trying to cross the street."

Mikaela snorted suddenly. "Maybe cause they know you fu..."

I interrupted quickly. "I don't think so."

Well, maybe not. Technically, and for all I knew, I WAS the first lady to knowingly do the horizontal mambo with an alien. From a scientific point of view, that would be fascinating... the mechanics of it at least. Possible robo-STDs... _genital rust... oh gross..._ "Ahhh shit, maybe it's cause I have a record, or with Hammond they had an insider who could get to me easier, who the fuck knows."

"You sure they didn't follow you?" Jazz asked.

I looked around. "I don't think so or they'd have picked me up by now. Did pretty good coverin' our tracks too. Don't you worry about me babe, worry about Mikaela. I'll be okay for a couple hours. Just... don't go home. I don't know if it's safe."

"We're headed to the base right now."

Mikaela cut in. "We should let you go hide out."

"You know where to find me?"

"Yeah babe, I traced th' call."

"Alright, I'm out. Watch your backs."

"Watch Yours." they both said.

"We watch too many movies."

"Oh yeah."

"Yup."

I paused for a second. "Oh... by the way... thanks for getting my car. I'll have to get it later. See how he's doing."

"You'll still ride me, right?"

Mikaela groaned. "Ride IN Jazz, ride IN."

We had the standard 'you hang up, no you hang up!' fight before I finally slammed the phone down on the hook, smiling. What a couple of goofs. I was in a substantially better mood now though, and I think Jazz was okay with things, at least for now til we could talk about it. He sure as hell took it better than I had expected. But then, he was substantially more cool-headed than I was. Which only served to make me wonder why he bothered with my ass at all.

_Dammit. And I was just starting to feel better._

"Nothin' stays good for very long..." I muttered, tearing myself away from the phone and trudging to the bar.

I needed a fuckin' drink. Or twelve.

* * *

a/n: credit goes to Dean Koontz and CSI Vegas, and my LJ girls 'Typo's R Us'. And funky music, all the movies I've ever seen, and the pure cheese that is my brain. and sorry if this chapter sucks... I've been working on it forever and I still don't like it. LOL. Stupid segue chapters. Phooey. Eh, it'll be better in 35.


	15. Chapter 35: Boom Boom Pow

A/N2: This chapter is dedicated to Koko Taylor and David Carradine, R.I.P.

A/N3: I love being out of numerical order. I suppose now that TF2 is out this fic is irrelevant. But i'm gonna keep writing it. So Nyah. I doubt it'll change much with the new stuff from the sequal, except MAYBE a bit of Soundwave's appearance, who knows. But it's now totally and completely AU. I hope some readers stick with me.

A/N1: this is a looooooooooong tedious hopefully laugh and gasp inducing chapter. I've been wanting to write this one since I started Light Was Yellow. It'll never be what I wanted it to be cause I lack the words, but if I get someone laughing or yelling or death-threating me, I'm good with it. Heh.

* * *

_Alcohol is just a lubricant for all the individual encounters that a bar offers_. - Death Proof

* * *

(35)

"Ya know wha?"

"Wha?"

"Vodkaaah's baaaad."

A weathered hand waved enthusiastically. "Nah, nah it ain't bad..."

"Is so! Time goes _slooowww_."

_Ten O'clock...ten? Wait, am I readin' the wrong hand again? Maybe its 11. Midnight?_

"What time's it?"

The man to my right, the Biker... '_Bill? Brett? Fuck knows'_ – looked at the clock above the bartender's head. "Ten ta twelve."

"Ugh." _Midnight already?_ Okay, time wasn't going slow, it was going too fast. _Been here for-fuckin'-ever now. Where were they?_

"M'wife's gonna kill me." The guy dressed like a janitor grumbled.

_Huh? Oh_. "Nah, she'll jus' make ya sleep on the couch for a week."

"Or the porch..." Bob-Brett-Biker added, toasting the Janitor. The dude who looked like Dana Carvey in Wayne's World, except with shorter hair, also raised his glass and we all clinked.

"To evil wives!"

-Clink-

_'I gotta get outta here before I grow a penis and complain about alimony.' _

How did I get in this situation?

When I first trudged in here hours and hours ago, I immediately ordered a Jack & Coke (no ice) and slumped in a chair near the front door to wait. There was no explaining my sudden dark mood, but it was there and thoroughly destroying my happy-high from the day's escapades.

I thought I'd gotten past my self-doubts. Things ended up working out when I threw those doubts out the window and did shit anyway, and I knew I shouldn't be berating myself, but those little niggling thoughts crept back in after that phone call.

Could I take care of my sister? Was I going to be enough for someone like Jazz? How long would they tolerate my shit? I wasn't exactly the nicest, most moral person in the world, no secret there. Hell, I was proud of it in most cases. I smoked, I swore, I fought, I got mad easily, I was a loner by nature and though I tried not to, I resented it when people assumed I wanted or needed help. I didn't trust easily, I drank too much, not as much as Mom but I could tell that if I didn't slow it a little, I'd be her in ten years or so.

Was it really the best idea for someone like me to be sort-of raising Mikaela? She didn't really need a custodian, almost grown up and incredibly street smart for her age, more mature than me in so many ways despite being 9 years younger, and now she had Robo-Jesus and his cohorts of supreme universal morality to teach her everything. What the hell good would I be?

Then there was Jazz.

_Oh man._

Freaking hot in all forms, sweet as hell, protective, hilarious, great storyteller, fabulous in bed, sociable and happy, the ideal frickin' guy...

And he wanted me?!

What the hell was he thinking? Was he nuts? He could get any of the billions of chicks on this planet just by givin' em one of those big ol' smiles. Shit, why would he even bother with an earth broad anyway?

_Bah. A girl could go batshit thinking like this._

The waiter came by with another round and I nabbed a menu. _Fuck it._ I had a feeling I'd be here for a while and if THIS is where my mind was gonna be all night, I might as well get blitzed.

As I cruised the menu for the greasiest cheeseburger it had, the chair next to me scraped against the floor and that biker from outside made himself comfortable, sliding a pint of beer my way.

"Sister?"

I didn't even need clarification. "Boyfriend too." I grumbled, wanting to be left alone.

"Ahh. Guess my heinous plot to pick you up is kaiboshed." He smiled with crooked teeth and I had to smile back. He seemed pleasant enough.

"Probably a good idea."

"I'll just leave you alone then." He made to stand up, leaving the pint behind, so I stopped him. Maybe I didn't want to be alone... distractions for the Win!

"Eh, I could use the company. What's good here burger-wise?"

And it all went down-hill from there. Before long we had a table full of random dudes drinkin' and eatin' and bitchin' together. It was great!

All the same I wanted to get the fuck out of here and be with my sister and my man, make sure they were safe... as much help as I'd be, at least...

But these guys insisted on buying me drinks, food, hell, Carvey even bought me smokes when I ran out. I supposed it was all good, if those 'Suits' came in here I'd have a table full of backup muscle to kick their asses for me.

"Another Round!" Biker bellowed.

"Yeah!" We all, very loudly, agreed.

"Hey, keep it down over there, we're trying to watch the goddamn game!"

I frowned... _it's midnight, even I'm not THAT drunk..._ "Dude, it's a replay."

"Y... wait..." The man started to yell back at me, then it must've hit him.

Carvey laughed. "Oh, and 'Frisco loses 4-7."

The man I immediately nicknamed Game Spazz stood up so fast his chair fell over. As soon as it hit the floor both Biker and Janitor stood as well, big and drunk and mean looking, obviously itching to 'protect' their little buddy with the big mouth. I wasn't about to be left out of the fun!

"Sit down, guy." I suggested, preparing to stand up myself. _I could use a good brawl right now_.

Unfortunately it wasn't to be. Too bad Game Spazz was such a chicken-shit... and didn't have 300 pound buddies as backup. As soon as Biker cracked his knuckles the big pussy sat back down, the show over. _Damn!_

Carvey had one hell of a smug-ass grin on his face when he ordered the table another round. "Here's to defending the skinny fucker!"

"Booyah!"

"Yay." Janitor grumped, flopping into his seat again.

"Lippy bastard."

As we clinked our glasses together and drank, someone new stepped into the bar. I half wondered if he was alone and would end up stuck with the Random Drunk Table, but - "Oooh, Whisky!"

_Wait, I know that scent... _I sniffed the air, drawing Carvey's curiosity. '_Has to be Jazz._..' The holoforms had a certain strange light scent to them, and that's what I could smell now. Almost like fried wiring, but not that pungent.

Carvey tilted his head a little, watching me sniff the air like a dog. "What? Whatchoo smell girl? Is Timmy in the well again?" He asked in a bullshit dramatic voice.

I sniffed loudly a few more times, looked at him under my brow, and answered in a growl. "Manflesh!"

"Orc." Carvey grinned.

I spun in my chair to grin at my man, and quite possibly leap off and bone the hell out of him right here and now...

...but it wasn't Jazz... unless he was totally fucking with me again. Instead of his tall dark and gorgeous dreadlocked hologram, there stood someone wholly unfamiliar to me. _Who the hell? _By process of elimination, it had to be either Ratchet or Prime, and dear sweet coffee I hoped it wasn't Prime... that'd be JUST the way to top off my day.

"Malena?" asked that oh-so distinctive voice, topped off with a lopsided 'trying not to laugh' smile.

_Oh fuckin' hell, kill me now. _

He... didn't look like a leader. He didn't look like much of anyone. Just... just a dude. Faded blue jeans (covering a very hot set of legs, the only thing other than his eyes that stood out), brown hair, some scruff on his face, black tee... I could walk by him on the street and not really notice him. He was, in a word, forgettable. And thus far, the only Autobot with a practical hologram. He had a tinge of his real form's effortless class and style, older, the face of a man who's seen and done everything and came out stronger for it... yet his eyes had a gentleness to them that made me want to trust him completely.

I'd do him.

_Nooooooooo, don't think that way about Prime, girly, bad. Bad girl._

I gaped rather stupidly at the Autobot Leader, who stood casually just inside the door looking at me with a glint of amusement behind is unnaturally blue eyes.

'_Stupid stupid stupid!' _I dropped my head in my hands and heard his deep rolling laughter at my embarrassment. _'I just called Optimus frickin' Prime MANFLESH... fuuuuuuuck.' _

Janitor elbowed me lightly. "That yer boyfriend?" he wheedled in a totally poofy falsetto.

"No." _Oh shit... what is he? Think think think bullshit!_ "My boss." _There, adequately both true and __false. You go girl!_

The whole table erupted in guffaws and clinking glasses as Carvey waved my 'boss' over. He came, taking the proffered seat next to me, and just _looked_ at me.

Somehow I managed to pry my fingers off my face and look back. '_Kill me now_'. I waved lightly and grinned. "Hey..." _Shit, what's his name? Can't exactly call him fuckin' Optimus now can I?_

But with the ease of a professional bullshitter (which I should have expected from a species of shapeshifters), he sidestepped the name issue quite easily.

"You are inebriated, Malena."

"No, I'm drunk!"

The boys laughed and I mentally curb-stomped my brain.

"You're her boss?" Janitor asked, looking from me, to Optimus, back to me, shook his head, and patted Optimus on the shoulder. "My condolences."

The table, including Prime, busted out laughing.

'_You're lucky you're 20-some-odd feet taller than me or I'd smack you one.'_

I finished my Jack and made to stand. "Wellllll, as much as fun as it is to get berated by strangers in front of the boss," I paused as the group protested, "We gotta go."

As soon as I got to my feet my knees turned to fuckin' water on me and I sat down hard on my chair again. The whole table erupted again as Prime, ever the gentleman, helped me to my feet, wrapping a strong arm around my waist to keep me steady. _'Mmmm, if I wasn't the loyal type I'd take advantage of this situation... meow!'_ As it was, I was drunk enough to enjoy leaning against him as he walked me toward the exit.

Carvey, Biker and Janitor all said their goodbyes as we left and as we walked out the door into the cool night, we both could hear them clinking their various glasses in our honour.

Once the cool air hit me the whole situation smacked me as well. '_Well shit, this is a little embarrassing...'_ The only thing keeping me from splattering to the ground was Optimus Fucking Prime and his infinite patience. That small amused smile never slipped from his face as he hauled me toward his real form..

"Sorry." I mumbled as I nearly dropped out of his arms again. _'Humiliating is what it is... sober up you silly bitch!'_

He just chuckled and got a tighter grip around me, then helped me up into his cab. _'Man, why does he have to be so big? Why couldn't he be, ya know, a Smart Car or a Mini?' _

Then unfortunately I just HAD to imagine him standing up to someone like Soundwave as a transformed Mini, squeaky gerbil voice and all, and giggled as I face-planted onto his seat with an undignified "Whuff!"

"No apologies Malena, I've done this more this more times than you can count." He replied good-naturedly as he swung my dangling feet into his cab and shut the door.

I made myself comfortable while checkin' out his interior... Not bad, considering he was a fuckin' Peterbilt. Soft seats... _mmmmm_. I sunk in gratefully as the hologram made a show of walking around to the driver's side and getting in with the ease of an experienced trucker.

I had to ask. "Drag drunks outta bars a lot, do you?"

"Not recently." he admitted, "but before the war..." he trailed off, smile turning a little sad, and we pulled silently out of the lot.

I couldn't look at him anymore, too embarrassed by my stupid drunkenness and yammering mouth, and as I began counting street-lights I found myself turning inwards again, thinking about all the dumb-ass shit I'd put my friends and family through lately.

He didn't speak either, disengaging his hologram and for the first time today I considered screaming just to break the quiet, and, a small twisted part of me admitted that I just wanted to startle the guy, which made me feel even more shitty.

After about ten minutes of bleak thought and stifling silence, the Peterbilt made a sudden turn, jolting me out of my head and back into reality. _What the... where are we?_

"Please, stay here." Prime's deep god-like voice rumbled from all around me, while the hologram flickered once again into existence. I quirked a brow at him and he just gave me one of those reassuring smiles. "Jazz informed me that the cure for everything is coffee."

I busted out laughing. _Dude!_ "That boy knows me too well."

"Yes, he does." He replied enigmatically as he swung out effortlessly once again onto the pavement in front of my favorite late night coffee shop. This joint was great, helped me destroy hangovers before they even began with their hardcore hairy-chest inducing dark roast. "I'll be back in a moment." my escort grinned, and started toward it.

"You'll be here the whole time, hun!" Drunk I may be, but I wasn't THAT drunk.

He frowned. "Oh... not used to the hologram yet. The split conscience feels quite strange."

I smirked as the door closed by itself and the holo disappeared inside the shop.

After a minute that weird feeling of sitting inside a sentient truck hit me, knowing full well he could feel my butt-cheeks on his seat and the expelled air that probably smelled like too much whisky permeating his interior. Ugh. I sat there as still as I could, trying not to fidget or poke anything, feeling dizzy from all the booze, brain going forty places at once, and, horror of horrors, trying very VERY hard not to fart.

It'd been lingering since he walked in the damn bar, and now... no.... After a big-ass burger, whisky, vodka, and a couple beers, it was a difficult battle, but I'd rather have him run me over a few times a la Maximum Overdrive than go through the mortification of breaking wind in him.

As the minutes ticked by I became more and more tempted to yank the handle and escape to flatulate in the open air, but he told me to stay put... and I didn't even want to attempt getting to solid ground in my state. The visual of me dropping face first to the pavement kept me in place. I'd never be able to look him in the optics again.

I wriggled in my seat and took a deep breath, began to drift... _Christ, what a day..._

My seat leaned back a few inches so I was half-laying down, while his voice once again shook the interior.

"My apologies for the delay. There is a long line."

"No worries, take your time." I lied.

My belly gurgled dangerously. _Shit._ "Let me out."

By the time I got back, the holo was leaning against his own door, valiantly holding back a smile, with a big Styrofoam cup in his hand. I'd never been so red in my life. The truck twitched a little on it's huge tires as he helped me back in and gave me my coffee, which I accepted with a sheepish grin.

We rolled out, me still red, him with lips quirked like he was trying not to sneeze, and made it a good two miles before the hologram looked over with sparkling eyes and asked if that felt as good as I made it look.

I face-palmed.

* * *

The coffee did wonders at clearing my head, but did shit all for keeping me awake. His interior was much too warm and soft and homey, especially after his hologram disappeared again, and I conked out after only a few minutes. I never even noticed we'd stopped until my mostly empty coffee cup was wrested out of my grip by the wind. As soon as I felt the emptiness my other hand shot out and nearly crushed the flying cup in my panicked grip. A few drops hit my hand but as I checked nervously around, none had besmirched Prime's gorgeous paint-job.

"I'm impressed." said the mech.

"Never waste coffee." I preached my Number Two philosophy. (Number One being... oh shit, what was it? Oh yeah, never mess with pissed off old ladies.)

"Duly noted."

I climbed out of him, this time much more steady on my feet, and landed on grass and loose rock.

"Where are we?" _Holy shit, the stars are gorgeous out here. Ooooooooh, and is that a storm? Sweet!_ I grinned as a distant bolt flashed.

"I thought it prudent to allow you time to, er, sober up before we proceed to base."

_'Formal bugger... thank you thank you thank you,'_ "Thanks man."

I took a few steps away from him, staring straight up into the sky. "Damn."

"Stand clear, Malena."

"Wha... hoooo shit." I jumped back as the red and blue semi fell to pieces and reformed into the 28 foot robot I really had to strain my neck to look in the eye. _Wow_. "Dude... I could live to four hundred years and still think that looks cool." The awe was obvious in my voice.

"Sam says the same all the time." The giant looked down at me with glowing blue optics and an amused quirk to his... lips? Lips, close enough. I always thought the thingies that were sorta like teeth looked cool too.

I looked around more, discovering our distance from the city, off the beaten path... only way we'd be seen is if some insistant stargazers came out or a passing airplane with super binoculars... _oh man, I'm still a little drunk. Super binoculars?_ I had to give kudos to Prime for his choice, for sure. Fresh air, a few birds still yabberin' off... and the view was incredible, especially with the oncoming storm.

Prime give his body a bit of a shake and stretch, letting out a groan that I felt vibrate in my gut, like a good base drum. '_Guh. To hear THAT voice mid-orgasm? Ooooooooooh shit, quit that! And STOP STARING AT HIS LEGS!'_

Swallowing the lump in my throat I found a decently clear patch of dirt to sit on and flopped down, holding my luke-warm java in a death grip.

Ugh. Vodka. It was tough to resist lighting a smoke, even tougher when Optimus cracked his frickin' metal knuckles and groaned again.

"You okay big guy?"

His neck cracked as he turned it. And he fucking groaned again. I wished I had a tape recorder.

"I am fine, Malena. Stiff, but fine."

Probably from being stuck in alt-mode all the damn time. "Good."

He hummed and took a seat next to me, casually letting his long legs stretch out in front of him and leaning backwards on his hands, joining me in gazing on the oncoming storm.

I glanced over at him, feeling another twinge of insignificance seeing that I wasn't even as tall as his thigh. The bot was massive, but somehow radiated gentleness, grace, that most humans didn't have. One of my many misconceptions being broken right now, that huge creatures didn't have the same grace and agility as smaller creatures.

"You guys keep screwing with my head."

"Yet another of our talents." He dead-panned.

The big bot was feeling playful tonight, obviously. He'd been relaxed in his speech with me once or twice before, but most times he was formal, leadership demanding him to speak with certain tones and diplomacy. Not tonight though. Thank god. Last thing I needed right now was some stick-up-the-ass talking to me like I was a four year old.

The storm, still a few miles away and moving slowly enough for us to watch it roll and light the sky, took our attention away from each other and we sat for long minutes just staring at it.

About ten minutes later, we'd only moved once, and that was only to shift positions. I went from cross-legged to Prime's comfortable looking arrangement, and he switched to mine, well, as close as he could, and came close to booting me in the process, but didn't.

The shitty thing about time and silence was that it gave way to reflection, and within a matter of minutes I was in a black mood again, gripping my coffee cup so tight it dented. Thankfully it was empty now.

'_Real good idea to get drunk there, girl. Not only was it a dumb thing to do, but now you look like a lush. What good would you have been if those suits raided the joint? All you'd have been able to do is puke on 'em. And now Prime's wasting his time trying to sober you up enough to be civil, hell, he even got you coffee! How useless ARE you?_

Thunder rolled across the desert, vibrating in my gut, and I looked up from the ground between my legs to the sky again. This storm was going to be nasty, just the kind I loved.

I just couldn't bring myself to care.

I wanted to go home.

Prime shifted next to me, and I saw him looking down at me. I couldn't read his eyes nearly as well as I could Jazz's, so I couldn't tell if he was studying me, pissed off, or if that just the way he looked all the time. But all the same I curled a little tighter under his scrutiny and dropped my head back down.

'_God I'm so tired.'_

"You are so like your sister." He rumbled suddenly, breaking the silence and scaring the shit out of me. I laughed humourlessly when his words sunk in.

"I hope not."

"Hmmm?"

"I don't want her turning out in any way like me." I said to the dirt between my feet. All the world_ needed was another me to screw it up..._

Prime heaved a sigh, and suddenly I found myself tipped over and sprawled over the brush, thanks to a sound poking by a huge metal digit. I yelped and gaped up at the giant bot who did nothing but glare back.

"Hey!" I scrambled to my feet, affronted and even dirtier than usual. He replied merely by poking me in the chest and sending me to the ground again.

"STOP THAT." _What the fuck, where's this Asshole!Prime been hiding?_ I was up on my feet in an instant and back on my ass a second later, cussing up a storm.

"No."

_'Kill! Kill kill kill...'_ Oh, I knew I couldn't take him on, and it wasn't the booze doing it either, but... holy, PISSED. Handily enough a good sized near-fossilized tree branch lay nearby and I wrapped both hands around it. This time when that giant hand came for me I swung at it as hard as I could.

Wood slammed against metal and my club splintered and flew apart with a very satisfying crunch.

The hand withdrew.

"You ASSHOLE." I huffed and puffed up at Prime, who stared at the chunk of wood imbedded in a finger joint.

"That actually hurt!" Prime observed, looked down again with a bit of surprise.

"GOOD." I tossed the stub of splintered wood over my shoulder and kicked dirt at him.

He just grinned and as soon as his arm moved, I went into auto-threat mode.

"Don't make me shove my size 9 boot up your tailpipe." I shook a warning finger at him and he relented, grinning wider.

"Now _there _is the fighter Jazz talks about. I was afraid for a moment she took an extended leave."

I slumped. _'You... if you weren't five times my size... POW!'_ Big fucker got me mad on purpose.

_'Oh god... I just threatened him... probably punishable in Universal Law by slow dismemberment... shit!_

He must've caught the look on my face because he just laughed his shiny metal lack-of ass off, long and loud. Seeing him, hearing him, that was fun, and his deep laughter was contagious as hell. I shook my head and laughed with him.

"You'd make a shitty psychiatrist." I chucked a chunk of grass at him, missed by a mile.

"It worked. " He answered, optics alight with mirth.

I waved him off and sat back down, and he leaned casually back on his hands again, crossing those tasty legs at the ankles. We looked back at the quickly growing storm with grins tugging at us.

Okay, so he was right, sort of. Mikaela didn't back down either. She fought. She did it differently than I did, but she fought til she won, or til she got beaten down so bad she had to recover, but then she'd be back up and bitchslapping life again.

I had to do the same.

He shifted after a minute and I made ready to throw something at him if he dared poke me again, but all he did was pick at the wood that stuck out of his finger like an annoying sliver.

I instantly felt bad. "Give it." I called, and he brought his hand down to me. _Jesus, I could almost lay __down flat on that fucking paw._ Lucky he was on my side, that would hurt to be smacked with. I grinned though, he had rather small girly hands compared to the rest of him.

As I touched his big warm finger with a tiny spurt of 'oh-shit'ism, I had to apologize.

"Sorry about that."

The splinter was in deep, and I internally cringed at how much this would probably hurt. Wrapping my hand around it, I looked up at him, worried. "This'll hurt."

"I've sustained wor-"

I yanked.

"-RAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Cicadas sang. I gaped at him, hands dropping from my ears. _Wow._

He looked incredibly embarrassed as he cradled his hand. "You didn't hear that." He mumbled.

"Hear what?" I tossed the splinter away and smiled. I might not have 'heard', but most of Tranquility will probably think a T-Rex got loose. _Wow._

He muttered a 'Thank you' and shook out his hand. It was an endearingly human move and it helped that mini-fear of him shrink a little more.

_Man, what an odd, exciting, generally fucked up day._

A flash caught my eye and I turned to the storm, so much closer now, and shivered. I loved storms, but this one gave me the chills.

"You don't attract lightning, do you?"

Prime flicked a rock away from his foot and gazed at the storm. "I hope not."

"We should get you out of here before we find out first hand, huh?"

Prime turned his gaze from the storm and directed it down at me. It was still a little frightening to be locked in the eyesight of a dude that huge, and though it wasn't nearly as bad as just ten minutes ago, I knew he could probably read every 'ohshit' signal given off my body, even the ones I didn't even know about.

Again my mouth ran off while my mind just face-palmed. "I'd hate to face Ratchet if I bring you back with lightning-fry marks on your ass."

The giant snorted… "According to a few of our other human allies, I have no ass."

_Oh, if only Mikaela were here to hear this…_ "Eh, don't worry about that. I'm not an ass-woman anyway. They're over rated."

"And yet you take every chance you get to grab my lieutenants'."

I snorted. "He's the exception."

"Ahh."

Spirits irrevocably lifted though situations hadn't changed, I grinned up at my companion. "You… are a very groovy bot, you know that?"

He ducked his big head a little, like he was humbled or… oh who knows with him, before he replied, staring down with those huge blue optics narrowed just a little. "Yet you are afraid."

I took a moment to reply to that one… He was right, in a way. Throwing politeness to the wind, I lit a smoke, brought my knees up to my chest and thought about it. I couldn't have him thinking I was sitting here shivering in my knickers whenever he popped by. If I were in his position I'd feel a bit bad about it. I didn't want him to feel bad, as goofy as that might have seemed.

"No, not afraid. Intimidated, maybe."

"I see."

"I don't think you do." My brain kicked me. _Don't argue with the 30 foot robot dude_! "You assume fear. Fear is reserved for spiders, needles, and big Decepticons with guns."

He chuckled. "I do not know of many creatures that are unafraid of big Decepticons with guns. Including myself."

That admission told me a hell of a lot about the big guy. He could have been just trying to put me more at ease but his words had the ring of true honesty. He'd been fighting those assholes for god knows how long and yet he was still afraid of them. "That just proves you're sane, big guy."

His body just hummed and his gaze went back to the storm, which was even closer now.

"You, on the other hand, scare the hell out of me for different reasons."

"I _am_ a rather frightening specimen." He rumbled with a small smile.

I nearly chucked something at him again but I checked myself. I couldn't help it, something inside me wanted to be civil to the bot, gentler. But my brain and my words always betrayed me, not to mention the million gallons of Jack Daniels and vodka. "Watch _Maximum Overdrive_ sometime."

"I have seen it."

He watched _Maximum Overdrive_? Oh my, I could just imagine his reactions to all those semis driving around splattering humans.

"You are intimidated by my alt-mode?"

I sighed. Alright. "No. Well, yes, a little. I saw that movie too many times," I watched the Prime smirk before I continued. "But, well…" _How does one say this?_ "You scare me because… you're just too damn cool."

My brain did a sarcastic golf-clap and a hearty bravo.

Before he could even express his confusion, I kept yapping. "Look, you're the leader of a race of big-ass robots from another planet, immersed in some big bloody battle that's lasted god knows how fuckin' long, and yet you're the most… whatchoomatcallit… peaceful type of guy I've ever met. You haven't even accidentally squashed one of us yet… that I know of." I paused as Prime snorted again.

"I know just by looking at you and hearing you talk that the last thing you wanna do every day is roast Decepticons, and yet you walk into battle and do it, and I've seen you fight, your damn good at it. And it probably really, really sucks for you. But you do it without complaint, out of necessity, to defend your people and your values. You've got more balls and compassion than everyone I've ever met, and that intimidates the livin' shit out of me. I could never live up, nor could anyone in my species, to what you do. It sounds fuckin' ridiculous to me when I say it but it's like having Buddha running around looking his nose down on how damn stupid we humans are to each other and everything around us. Like we're a disappointment. You are one hell of an example to live up to, Optimus Prime. That is what intimidates me."

He looked a little shocked, and I didn't blame him. He wasn't used to my drunken 'wish I was philosophical' ramblings yet. I had to ease the tension a little and try to get my mind off the fact that I just confessed to him in the worst possible way.

"And, to top it all off, you have GREAT legs."

_Oh yeah, that's MUCH better. Dumbass… _

That made him laugh. Hard.

I couldn't shut up. "And you're probably the only dude on the planet who could beat up Chuck Norris."

"Nobody beats up Chuck Norris."

_The bot's done his homework._.

"And I seriously think you and the Dalai Lama would make great buds."

Prime looked at me with a glint of goofiness (wow) in his optics. "That man intimidates the slag out of me."

"Hun, you and him are too damn much alike. Give him a gun and good legs and I couldn't tell you two apart."

"He does not kill."

"I'll be a little honest here. As much as I love that guy, I almost wish he would, even if it did destroy his ideals. His country would be much better off if they'd just take up arms and flatten their oppressors."

"But then the enemy wins, no matter the outcome. That is the point."

_Damn smart robot._

"I've never been much of one for pacifism." I grumbled. I preferred to either beat the shit out of it or ignore it til it went away.

Prime leaned back on his hands again, sending up puffs of dust that I ignored. "So I've noticed."

**ZZZZZZZZAP!**

"Woah." That was too close. That bolt hit not a mile away... "We should get you out of here before you become the world's biggest lightning rod."

His eyes glowed a little brighter for a second, amused, and got slowly to his feet, unconsciously grunting as he did. It worried me a little, but he'd assured me he was fine, and I trusted his judgment on such things more than my own gut. Like I knew fuck all about Autobot medicine anyway.

He winced just a little before transforming back into his alt-mode, and just in time, the sky seemed to open up and poured rain over us both. The cold shock made me squeal and I practically flew into his already warming cab.

"Fuck, I'm gonna ruin your upholstery." _Quit cussing goddammit!_

"I'll live." He replied dryly, put himself into gear, and pulled out of there. "Seat belt."

I snorted and buckled in.

He drove like a goddamn maniac through Tranquility, in a hurry now. Apparently through our entire time together he was commed near constantly by Jazz AND Ratchet wondering where the fuck we were. When I asked about it Prime even deigned to play a clip, and never had I been more surprised at how goddamn ballsy Ratchet really was. Prime's only excuse for taking that shit was "My number two philosophy, do not anger the Medic."

"Good idea, man."

I somehow convinced him to tell Jazz he'd spent the last hour 'poking your girlfriend', and hoooo boy, Jazz's reply must've been nasty, as Prime actually had to brake so he could laugh. I knew he had a sense of humour but holy crap!

"You gonna let him in on it?" I asked once we got moving again.

"I'll let him mull it over for a while. I still owe him for calling me Captain Killjoy."

I snorted. "Inappropriate nickname, you're too fun to hang out with."

He chuckled. "Thank you."

The radio switched on and suddenly AC/DC's _Who Made Who_ came blaring out of his speakers, and that got us both going again. Man, what a guy...

* * *

Never thought a semi could move that fast, be that maneuverable, but damn Optimus Prime chose a great alt-mode and knew how to use it. We made great time.

But as we got closer and closer to home, the more nervous I got. The feeling of 'once more into the breach', my short rest over, gripped me tighter and tighter as the streets looked more familiar, tracing the path home.

Optimus kept the music going in an effort to ease the tension, but otherwise remained blessedly silent. The music was distracting enough that though I was scared, I wasn't shaking other than to the beat of the tunes by the time we pulled onto my street. Seeing that he was much too big to fit comfortably in my driveway without scraping his undercarriage, he pulled up onto it, but not all the way, halting about 15 feet away from my front door.

The music stopped and suffocating silence filled his interior. I knew what to do. I had to get in there, grab some of our stuff, and get out as quickly and safely as possible. There'd likely be a long stay at the base and there was no way in hell I was wearing the same gitch for that long. And my sister needed a few changes of clothes as well, some supplies... it had to be done.

I went for the door handle, stopped, tried again... _goddamn it woman, butch up!_

Prime seemed to anticipate my fear. "No humans are detected inside, Malena."

_All clear. Good._ "Okay..." I reached again. "Thank you."

The huge engine rumbled in reply.

I climbed slowly out of the truck, in full paranoid-bitch mode, looking around for hiding monsters (or dudes with sniper rifles, whichever), but Prime was quick to reassure me.

"Trust me, Malena."

It really was easy to trust in him, and his word. Hell, why would he lie? I hopped down with more confidence and dug my keys out of the horrid skirt pocket. Frankly I couldn't wait to change into pants again, this fucking thing was way too difficult to move in, especially having to climb in and out of Prime all the time.

The place was dark, all sorts of things could've been hiding in it's depths, but here I was, recently sober, ready to march in there to get, of all fucking things, clothes. It was so hard to walk away from the bulky protection of the Peterbilt, so strong at my back... I was safe with him...

But would he be safe? I had to worry about him as well. If those dudes showed up, hell, he's easy to recognize, they'd be on him in seconds, and as tired as he seemed to be right now, he might even lose.

_Not fuckin' likely. Have some more confidence in him, girly, he's a big bot, he can take care of himself._ I thought with a laugh, forcibly beating back my motherly instincts.

I turned back to him as I reached the front door. "Honk if you see anything weird." Then I slipped the key into the lock, and turned it.

No gunfire.

I heaved a huge sigh of relief before stepping through the open door. Inside, pure blackness greeted me, with the exception of the digital numbers on my stereo and... _ooooh, dear god_, moonlight caressing my baby.

I couldn't' bring myself to close the door behind me as I turned to stare at him, my Beast... so shiny, clean... still damaged, but radiating potential power, glory on wheels, horsepower and asskicking torque at my fingertips.

"Well hello, beautiful..." I grinned.

Prime's voice carried wonderfully in his confusion. "Hmm?"

I snickered and spoke over my shoulder to his grill. "Nothing, big guy. Talkin' to my car."

He chuckled. "Should Jazz be jealous?"

"Mmmm... most definitely." I made to go to my Beast and give him a sound welcome home groping, when I noticed the leak. A rather large one... smelled like gasoline. _Shit_.

Alarms went off in my head.... _the reports... Hammond didn't mention any problems with the fuel lines... wait... what's... _something in the air tasted funny... smelled gross... _What is that?_ I sniffed the air. Not gasoline, something else. Like... bean fart.

"Malena, please hurry. I am in enough trouble with Jazz." Prime suggested lightly, obviously still in communication with his lieutenant, unaware of my Spidey sense going off in full alarm mode. I barely heard him, my mind racing.

_Get your shit and get out_... my brain screamed, and I obeyed, regretfully backing away from my Beast before I could so much as stroke his paint, and back to the light streaming through the front door. I gave Prime a thumbs up and hurried toward the stairs. I had to pack fast... the scent in the place was overwhelming, and everything in me told me to get out ASAP.

**CLICK**

I froze.

There... was something under my foot. Under the rug. A lump under my ball of my foot. And it clicked.

I heard once that more people said "shit" before they died than "Christ" or "God"... I went with the majority.

I had just enough time to shut my eyes and whisper my sister's name before the light and blast of heat engulfed me.

* * *

_Don't kill me. _

_A/N: I don't own Wayne's World, AC/DC or Maximum Overdrive._

_re: Gas. Come on, wouldn't that be fucking horrifying to fart in one of them, and who worse then Prime? I couldn't get the scene out of my head, noxious green gas filling his interior as Lena leaps out and runs like hell, waving a hand around, listening to him cough and gag in the background... man, and I wasn't even drunk..._


	16. Chapter 36

Author Notes: I know nothing of American hospitals except what I see on TV, and I know nothing about medicine. As I've stated many times before, I make this shit up, I am too lazy to do research, and most damages are relatively unique to someone who hangs out with giant alien robots anyway... so suspend disbelief and logic and just enjoy the story.

Sorry guys for the delays. I'm not expecting things to slow down any time soon. I hope I can keep SOME momentum on this fic. Health and stress have gotten in the way and I really truely hope to get some things... sorted. Mwah. Happy new year everyone

* * *

_One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items. - Fight Club_

* * *

**Chapter 36**

_Frenzy scaled the ladder and took position on the roof of the dilapidated warehouse across the street from the Banes residence, waiting for the moment when he could have the perfect view of... whatever would happen. He himself didn't know what the results of his vengeance would be. Death? Dismemberment? A slight and unsatisfying singe? Whatever the consequences, Frenzy wanted an unspoiled view, so he could record it for Barricade. That, and why miss the fun by leaving? Even the rain couldn't dampen his spirits._

_He found a nook near a protruding air duct and made himself comfortable. It would make a great place to duck behind if someone was looking, and if he was spotted, from the street it would be a decent escape route, coming out on the other side of the building to the ground. He couldn't have created a better place to watch the show. _

_He didn't have to wait long before he heard the telltale rumble of an extremely large and powerful engine. The Prime rounded the corner, and Frenzy froze in fear. _

"_Ssssshit.... shit shit shitshitshitshitshitshit!" he screech/mumbled as he punched the hell out of the wall._

_Okay, he imagined a cab, maybe that silver Autobot as an escort, not the fraggin' PRIME! Of all mechs! If he was spotted, Frenzy knew damn well he'd be nothing but a smear on the bottom of his giant foot. Maybe he should've done something else. Maybe it wasn't too late to stop this. _

'Frenzy, quit being such a fucking pussy and blow that fleshie bitch to pieces!'_ Rumble's tinny bitchery bled through their link._

'Shut it.'

_He dared to peek over the bricks and watched as the leader of the Autobots pulled up to the front, too large to actually go inside, and the wary, exhausted looking human female to slide out. Frenzy was curious about her paranoia, looking around her like she expected to be jumped or shot. Clearly this attempt on her life wasn't the only one today. Maybe those other humans tried something? He asked the others through their link if they'd seen anything, and got back two negatives and one 'fuck off, Squeaky'. _

_She slowly disappeared inside and Frenzy couldn't help but feel that nervous excitement and anticipatory internal glee he usually got before killing someone annoying. It was like getting presents and compliments and falling and a good hard interface all at once. _

_But as the moments passed, he wondered if the trigger he'd set up was missed, or malfunctioning. There was enough gas permeating the air inside, and the extra touch of leaked gasoline should have accelerated the process... the Banes woman only needed to step on the trigger! Just one spark!_

_It came before he could think too much about triggering it remotely. Even from across the street he heard the 'whoosh-thump' and the sudden brightening, then BLAM! Fire and heat and _oooooooooh, there she goes!_ Frenzy was recording before she even stepped inside, and he was right, this was a WONDERFUL point of view... Barricade would definitely be proud._

_He watched from the perfect downward angle the burning human flew out the open door with a loud screech, followed closely by the flaming living-room couch and television that came hurtling out the window after her. She slammed back-first into the Prime's huge grill with a bone-crunching crack that he could hear all the way across the street, then fell to the concrete below. At the same time the concussive force of the blast shattered Optimus Prime's front windows. And Frenzy felt a surge of glee to hear his grunt of pain. He damaged the Prime!_

_Seconds later the gasoline inside the warehouse ignited and Frenzy had to hold in a cackle when the Prime transformed and landed on all fours to cover the human and swat away oncoming bits of wood and metal from the kitchen appliances and garage door., dodging the gunmetal grey Chevy Nova as it landed not two feet away. He was fast! Frenzy couldn't help but admire the speed the larger Bot had for the size he bore, as detrimental to his plans as it was. The human remained on the ground, hopefully dead, as Prime did what he could to shield her from the flames and bits of her house. _

_The explosion died down but rain did nothing at all to douse the fire, and Prime seemed to think it was safe enough to uncover the human and see about her damages. Frenzy could not see her, but he saw Prime start looking around him, felt a scanner sweep close by, and ducked. He could NOT afford to be spotted, not by the Prime. Not by that huge rifle. They'd never find the pieces of him afterwards..._

_After a minute of frightened hiding, Frenzy heard the sounds of Prime transforming and dared to peek over the edge again, found the Autobot sitting in the driveway and a human... holoform, gingerly pick up the unconscious female, who, now that Frenzy could see her, looked quite singed and battered, as close to dead as she could be without actually being dead. The Prime's hologram carefully walked to his real form, the door opened and he stepped up easily and placed her inside. The hologram dispersed and the Autobot peeled out of the driveway and down the street so fast it took mere seconds for him to be a dot in the distance. _

_Frenzy's spark soared. His idea worked! The already weakened Prime was injured, nothing fatal, but even so, Frenzy could now say he put a dent in the Prime. _'Hah, so did the human', _he cackled a little at the idea... And he got one back for his partner, AND he got a nice recording of it. Everything was working out juuuuust fine. Now all that was needed was for his brothers to do their part, and this would be the perfect day._

_Which, if everything went smoothly, should be happening right about now. Frenzy, in a fit of happiness, got to his feet, brushed his hands off and congratulated himself on a job well done, then burrowed into the link to contact his brothers._

'Laserbeak, report.'

'Mission was a success. The medic ran out of his lab after receiving a comm from the Prime, left the fragment unguarded. Even Rumble could have retrieved it.'

'Blow me.' _said Rumble, listening in._ 'I can be sneaky.'

_Frenzy cackled._ 'Right. And Soundwave's an elephant!'

_Rumble was displeased, to say the least._ 'It never ends. First you assholes stick me with the squishy spawn and the psychotic Autobot, and now I can't even kill them cause they're all safe and snug and guarded, and now... GACK!'

'Gack?'_ asked Laserbeak, more used to Frenzy saying strange random words, not so with Rumble._

'Rumble?'

_Silence over the link. Ravage butted in as well and sent a inquiring ping, and got nothing in return. _'Rumble! Respond!'

'This is freaking me out.' _Frenzy couldn't stop a thread of fear from hitting him, a sense of trepidation, something he hadn't felt in regards to his kin in a long long time, and he let it show. Laserbeak and Ravage replied with similar feelings. _

'Rumble!'

_More silence. He couldn't even sense him in the link anymore._

'Where was he?' _Frenzy screeched desperately at his brothers._

'Still at the Lennox farm, nowhere else to go.' _Ravage hissed._

'He was waiting for a ride, it's a long walk to the human city from there.' _Laserbreak corroborated._

_Frenzy didn't like the sounds of that. Ironhide might have returned and blown his brother to pieces, or those evil Sector 7 agents, or... hmmm... he made a decision._

'Laserbeak, do a fly-by, recon. If Rumble is damaged bring him back.' _He ordered, for the moment taking 'command' of his team. _'Ravage, stay at the Witwicky residence, I will meet...'

_His words cut off when something extremely heavy hit him, covered him completely, pushed him down to the tar of the rooftop. Frenzy screeched both aloud and into the link, frantically pushing at the weight and looking about for a target. Blindly he set loose two razor-sharp metal stars and heard the semi-satisfying wet sound of them hitting something meaty and a pained grunt. _

_Chain. Heavy chain. How could he not have heard them? He was so focused on Rumble, on the mission., and there was so much Primus-damned RAIN interfering with his sensors.. he didn't even hear the six humans sneaking up the ladder he himself had climbed, didn't sense them boxing him in... _

_Frenzy thrashed madly, found an edge and wriggled and yanked til he got his head and a hand free. Five humans circled him, holding long tube-like weapons and wearing heavy packs on their backs. Frenzy swore at them and shot another star at the closest, one hitting the male in the neck, sending hot red human blood spurting in a long line over the roof. Another star impacted one of the cylinders the human's carried on their backs and the human backed off, trying in vain to plug the hissing high pressure leak. _

_By then Frenzy had freed two more arms, desperate to get his legs loose so he could flee, but the other three humans took a step forward and fired their weapons._

_COLD!_

_Like... Liquid Nitrogen? Not full strength, diluted but still powerful enough to disable him. _'Shitshitshitshitshit!'

_Already he could feel his systems slow, cables and wiring freezing together, energon gelling throughout his system. He tried to fight, even got another star ready to fire, but the humans were unrelenting, moving with him as he got his legs loose and managed to crawl a few feet away before he collapsed, they kept hitting him with a constant stream of frigid hell, until finally Frenzy could do nothing but curl into himself and pray his brothers heard him call for them. _

"_Target is secure, returning to base."_

* * *

"Mikaela..."

There was a flash, all the air sucked out of my lungs, and then there was nothing. I remember bright light, heat, a hard push, then blackness and motion and _pain_.. I heard a voice, couldn't discern who it belonged to, calling my name, lots of noise around me, the strange tingle I came to recognize over time as a full body scan (benefit of getting beat up all the time), and more motion. Somebody lifting me. My lungs burnt, my skin felt like it would crack and shatter if someone so much as poked me. I was aware, yet not.

After a minute or so of thinking hard about what the fuck just happened, I blacked out again.

It seemed like seconds before I saw bright light again, but this time, I actually could make out that red tinge from the inside of my eyelids, instead of pure penetrating blackness. _Conscious! Sort of. Fuck_.

_Hey, at least you're not dead. Quit whining._

Everything sounded muffled, filtered, like when I had a pillow over my head. Was someone asphyxiating me? Did I really piss Jazz off or something? I heard voices... clipped, one word orders. Felt needles in my arms, my body jerked... which really didn't feel nice at all.

_What the hell?_

Things were coming back to me.... something with Prime, about clothes... my car... the air tasting funny... heat, _motion_....

_Oh god, Prime!_

"Heart-rate's rising."

_Shit, Mikaela!_ _Where is she? Why can't I remember?_

A loud bang and some shuffling... a voice, stronger and louder and determined as fuck... "MOVE!"

"Who the hell are you!"

The voice, strangely familiar, growled, "I'm her me... doctor." A pause. "Give me that..."

"HEY!"

"...and get OUT."

That woozy dizzy feeling hit again and I fought against it, hard. No way was I going out again without.....

The world went black again. _Ahhh, dammit._

* * *

Floating around in nothingness wasn't all that great. When I was aware, I was bored stiff. I saw nothing but black, felt nothing except a weird sense of vertigo, smelled nothing... When I wasn't aware, well, it could have been minutes, months, years since the last time I remembered feeling anything. The passage of time didn't even really occur to me.

Once in a while I heard voices... other times, music. If this was death, it was... really fucking boring, barring those interruptions. Those things, I focused on, if only to make things a little entertaining.

Something with a clipped tone interrupted the rhythm. "Could you turn that off please?"

"Sorry nurse. It's just... she really likes Ella." I heard a whispered voice say, then the music stopped. "Thought it might wake her up."

Everything went away again.

* * *

"Euuugh."

_God... kill me now. _I felt like a can of smashed assholes.

_What exactly would a can of smashed assholes look like, I wonder? _Aaaaaaaaaand, I was obviously drugged, otherwise I wouldn't have actually envisioned it. _Gross_.

_And again, at least you're alive._

_Good point._

Where the fuck I was was more the right question. All I had to do was open my eyes.

… oh goddamn it. They were stuck. No, I just couldn't open them. I concentrated, and one fluttered open.

Yay!

Now, the other, before someone saw me and assumed I was a pirate.

And there went the other. YAY!

_Now if only everything weren't so fuckin' blurry._ I practiced opening and closing my eyes, hoping to get the crusted eye-snot that was impeding my progress out of the way, then focused on that colourful blur next to me... it took a bit, but it finally took shape.

_Awww, lilies... Okay, well, I'm either in the hospital, or I woke up in a casket._ Either way, yick. I hoped my sister had a shotgun handy in case of the latter.

Moving my neck wasn't too bad... pretty much the only thing that didn't make me wanna scream when I flexed, so I used it, looked around. Yeah, definitely a hospital. Starched crisp white sheets around me, white walls, sterility... machines that went BING! I smiled. _I have a machine that goes Bing! I'm important!_

_Oh god, what kind of drugs am I on? Monty Python references? Geez. Hey! A TV!_

My vision moved to my left, and saw a cast around my hand. _Hmmm_. And there laying next to my it was a clump of black hair and a hand with chipped red nails clutching last month's Motor Trend. The lump snored.

I took a closer look at the cast and saw writing. If I squinted I could make out a cheesy 'I heart you' with the actual little heart-shape, and Mikaela and Jazz's signatures.

_Awwww... Mikki Mouse, I'd hug you but I caaaaaaaaan't. _

As well as being completely fucked on drugs, they'd strapped me down. I couldn't see much of the restraints but I felt them, and the various tubes and things stuck into my arms and up my nose. I couldn't see it but I felt the snugness of what was probably gauze around my torso. Ugh. Thank goodness I didn't have an itch yet or I'd go batshit.

On the table next to me was a likely cold cup of bad hospital coffee. _Waaaaant._ If only I could move! I made a sad noise and tried to ignore the tease.

The noise drew the attention of a massive black wall behind Mikaela, standing still and straight by the door. I didn't even notice him til he moved! _Damn, for a big scary bugger, Ironhide sure can be quiet, _I thought as he moved around to the opposite side of my bed.

His black clothed muscled bulk and Eastwood-squinty blue eyes looked me over once, gave me a tilted smirk, then made to speak. I shook my head (ugh, dizzy!), and chin-pointed at my slumbering sister. Damned if I'd wake her up...

He got it, nodded, and retrieved something up from the likely very uncomfortable hospital chair. I snorted.

_How did they have the forethought to get a white board? Wait, is my throat all torn out or something?!_

He gave me a one-sided smirk and handed it to me. I gave him a look. _Yeah, how am I supposed to write?_ But with a bit of a trial, I found I could move my right hand, just enough to grab the dry-erase marker he gently wrapped my fingers around.

I wrote the first thing I could think of, wincing a little at the ache in my arm.

'COFFEE'

That only got me a nasty 'if I had my cannons you'd be a puddle' glare. I took it back.

'HIT BY TRUCK?'

He shook his head after reading my message, and, taking care not to wake my little sis, grabbed the tiny marker in his huge paw, had a seat, and tried, (presumably for his first time by the quality of his handwriting) to write in English.

_'NO. YOU HIT A TRUCK. PRIME. IMPRESSED YOU ARE STILL FUNCTIONING.'_

_Ow. No wonder everything hurts, _I thought as I watched Ironhide smirk.'HE OK?'

Ironhide snorted. _'YOU LEFT A HUMAN-SIZED DENT IN HIS GRILL.'_

_Ow_. But I couldn't help but smile a little. A human body flung at X miles per hour can actually put a dent in an Autobot. Fun facts. But what set me flying? Fucked if I could remember, everything was... not there. Not even blurry, just gone.

Ironhide let me see the white board again. '_THE OTHERS ARE AT THE BASE. YOU NEEDED A GUARD UNTIL RATCHET GETS HERE TO MOVE YOU. TAKING CARE OF NEW ARRIVAL AND HIS HUMAN FIRST.'_

'GOOD 2 NO.' I frowned for a moment. 'HOW LONG?'

Ironhide looked at the white board, then at me with question in his eyes. I clarified by lolling my tongue out and crossing and rolling my eyes up.

_'YOUR GRAMMAR IS ATROCIOUS.'_

'FUCK U' This was definitely a fun change of scenery.

_''FOUR DAYS, 8.3 HOURS.'_

_Hoo shit._ I drew a sad face, unable really to think of anything to say. Or not. 'TIRED.'

Ironhide quirked a brow at the latest message, nodded, pressed a button next to my bed, and stood up. I gave him an inquiring look, so he wrote one final message.

'MORPHINE. SHUT UP AND SLEEP.'

_Morphine?! Explains a lot._

I smiled sleepily up at him, and he snorted again, reached down and lightly touched my hair. In a coarse whisper, I thought I heard him say "You were lucky, kid," before giving me a respectful once-over, nodding again and taking his place back at the door.

I sighed happily when the morphine kicked in, feeling every muscle turn to jiggly fun and my brain start to drift again... sleep was probably a good idea.

* * *

Something was different. I felt cold. Uncovered.

_Strange. _I didn't like it one bit. Definitely not 'unawareness' anymore, but not quite the painful and blurry reality either...

My bed wasn't my bed, it felt like metal. Not the nice warm living metal of my man, just cold sterile steel. No blankets or scratchy hospital sheets. The restraints were still there, legs, chest and arms, but nothing else, and I meant NOTHING. No gown either, no tubes, no IV.

_I think I prefer the nothing to this shit..._

Panic hit me like a sack of bricks. Not a hospital... them... oh. _Fuck... FUCK!_ How'd they get past Ironhide? Where was I?

My eyes shot open and the first thing I saw was someone's face, aged and covered partially with one of those green hospital face masks.

"She's awake sir." He said, looking up and over to someone across the room. I looked too.

I shouldn't have.

About thirty feet away were another 5 men in doctors outfits, holding some nasty-ass looking tools and vials of liquid, taking samples from a disassembled silver Pontiac Solstice. In cold horror I picked out his pointed hand, his visor, some strange wiring from a leg, blue/white glowing liquid in clear tanks nearby... his spark chamber, lying in a plastic bin, dark and empty.

Before the reality of it even hit me, I reacted. I headbutted the 'doctor' above me, feeling the satisfying crunch of his nose disintegrating against my forehead, and felt around for some way to unclasp my restraints.

_Gonna kill them. Every single one of them. They like to dismember people? I'LL show them dismemberment! Bastards! DIE! DIE!_ I growled and kicked and wrangled one hand loose before someone landed on me hard, then another, til I couldn't move anymore.

"JAZZ!" _How?! How'd they get him? How'd he let himself get caught? HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE LET THEM KILL HIM!?_ "WAKE UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"Sedate her!" Another voice called to my right.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!"

Someone on my gut shifted and I suddenly felt a needle slip into my arm. "NO!"

My muscles once again fell loose and limp, kicking did nothing, as one by one the men slipped off of me and went back to what they were doing before. I shook my head, arched my back, tried to get loose again before they could strap me securely down again, screaming myself hoarse.

I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye, coming from the 'doctor' that ordered my sedation. He wore a white coat, spattered with red, a mask, and held a scalpel, hovering over...

_Oh god..._ I turned my head away, internally begging that what I just saw wasn't real, that it could NEVER be real...

I couldn't not see it. The images were burned in after only a second's glance, those long legs, straight and limp, the black hair hanging over the edge of the surgical table, the blood running down her arm... the chemical burns, those milky coloured eyes, the greying skin...

I didn't have to see her face to know they were doing an autopsy on my baby sister.

* * *

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

"Get her legs!"

"I'm trying goddamn it, she's gone berserk!!"

" MALENA! Ughn, dammit woman, wake up!"

_Jazz?_

"Just smack her already!"

_Mikaela?!_

My right arm shot out, still shaking from the adrenaline left over from my nightmare, and wrapped around a solid body that laid over my chest and weighed me down, groped blindly, and … _oh yes, thank fucking god._.. felt thick ropes of coarse hair and a smooth muscled back.

"I'm not gonna sm... hey!"

Just to be sure I had to grope something else... _Yup, that's the right one._

In a voice that sounded unbelievably relieved, Jazz, fully assembled and sporting his hot-ass holoform, practically sobbed, "Get yer hand off my ass."

I finally looked, saw his big gorgeous blue eyes looking back at me, and sobbed right back at him, "Make me."

"LENA!"

The thin body on my legs removed itself and in a millisecond my sister was there too, the two faces I loved more than anything in the world side by side and smiling and worried and ALIVE. I grabbed the both of them before they could react and hugged them as hard as I could. Which wasn't too hard considering how drugged and half-asleep I was. I didn't have that strange thing up my nose, and some of the tubes were gone, so it made things a hell of a lot easier, not to mention the lack of restraints.

"I can't breathe!" Mikaela squeaked, voice muffled by my pillow. Jazz chuckled and ruffled her hair, nuzzling deeper into my neck.

"Don't _ever_ do that to me again." he whispered, kissing my cheek. _Mmmm_... I got a handful of his dreads and played with them as we lay there.

"Love it when you order me around." I managed through a grin.

"You stupid bitch." Mikaela agreed once I loosened my hold around her head, letting her detangle her hair from the cast.

"Love you too."

Tears ran down her face as she grinned down at me. "Not funny."

Jazz giggled into my neck and hugged my sister with his free arm.

* * *

A little while later as I catnapped, sandwiched between them, a nurse came in, laughed at us, ordered my sister and my man 'off the bed, you'll crush her,' and took my vitals, remarking in wonder how quickly I was healing.

"I don't know where that doctor came from but he's a miracle worker." She muttered off-handedly, shaking her head.

_Buh?_

Jazz must've seen the look on my face, and he mouthed "Ratchet" at me as the nurse checked the bags of weird fluid on that IV pole next to my bed. I quirked a brow, imagining his miniature holo-robot form ordering the hospital doctors around, wrench in hand...

"How are you feeling?" The dark-haired nurse asked.

"Like ass."

She smirked. "I don't doubt it. You're lucky to be alive."

"I'd cheer but... yeah, ass."

"At least the morphine's still working." The nurse glared over at Jazz, who shrugged and looked innocent. "Just how much did you give her to calm her down?"

"None! I swear!"

"Uh-huh."

Mikaela saw my confusion, leaned down and whispered, "You head-butted a doctor who was just taking your blood pressure."

_That explains why my forehead hurts..._ "Sorry, bad dream." I mumbled to the nurse, who took her glare off Jazz and softened for me.

"That's alright, I never liked him much anyway."

Jazz snorted and Mikaela flung a hand over her mouth to stop from laughing.

The nurse nodded at her sheets, gave me a once over, tugged the sheets up tighter for me, and winked at Mikki. "Take good care of her for a while, I'll be back in a bit to help 'pack her up'."

"Will do!"

Jazz nodded. "Thanks."

The nurse smiled. "Need anything before I go?"

"A smoke?" I asked hopefully.

"Like hell." the nurse scoffed, exasperated. Seeing the looks on our faces though, she immediately looked mortified. "Oh god, I'm sorry."

I laughed, as did Jazz. "That's alright, just makes me like ya more."

She sagged in relief. "You'll be transferred soon now that you're awake. Maybe the EMT's will let you have one before you get loaded. Til then, you'll just have to suffer."

With that, she was gone, and I sighed.

"I wonder if it's against hospital protocol to tip a nurse."

"Probably." Mikaela muttered, smiling a little.

The three of us went quiet for a few minutes, with nothing but the annoying beeps coming from the machines and my breathing to break the silence. I was contemplating a thoroughly annoying and evil itch on my left wrist that was unfortunately still encased in fucking plaster, while Jazz dragged a chair up close to my bed and curled up in it, just watching me, and Mikaela began wandering around putting hospital stuff into a gym bag. I grinned mentally, already yoinking free shit from hospitals. _Hope she remembers the toilet paper, the stuff we had probably burnt up._

The itch was driving me absolutely batty, and I finally made a move to scratch the fucker, when Jazz caught my hand and I saw the bandages on my arms, really saw them. And the cast over the 'itch'. And felt the pain again. Aching, tingling, heated...

… _burnt_.

_Ohhhhkay, now I'm rememberin' shit._ I really didn't want to, I was happy enough just ignoring everything and basking in my family's attention, but no choice now... that was no barroom brawl, no bruises from chair legs or broken bottles, I was really fuckin' hurt! What did Ironhide say? I was down FIVE DAYS?! Good fucking god. What happened? I remembered a little, more and more... fire, pain... I know Prime was there, helped me, but after that, any details, nothing there. Christ, I coulda died!

I think the other two in the room saw my confusion, my fear, and stopped milling about, stopped smiling, and came to my side again. Jazz wasted no time crawling carefully into the bed with me again, cuddling up to my side, careful not to jostle me, as I lay there trying to control my breathing. Fuck. I could even hear the machine beeping faster as I flashed back to what happened, that weird taste in the air, oh fuck, that click, then bright hot light and a very hard push and... ahhh, yes, that must've been when I hit Optimus's grill. No wonder I'm so fucked up. I shuddered and closed my eyes, trying not to envision everything again.

"Lena?" Mikaela took my hand and laid her head somewhere near my hip.

I tried to calm my breathing, gather my thoughts. It couldn't be all that bad. From what I could see I had all my limbs, things didn't hurt too badly, especially with the morphine, and Jazz felt I was okay enough to be taking liberties (thank god, his hands were always nice to have on me somewhere)... I opened my eyes, let my eyes roam over Jazz's nice jean-clad hip and bare forearm, then flickered to my sister who laid there with her diamond blue eyes wide and nervous.

It took me a second to work up the nerve to ask.

"How bad is it?"

Mikaela turned her head slightly into the sheet, Jazz hid his face in my hair, neither saying a thing.

_Fuck_... "GUYS!"

"We lost you." Jazz whispered, sounding scared out of his mind. I'd never heard a tone like that from the usually calm collected fun-lovin' mech, and fucked if I ever wanted to hear it again. Though I was now MORE than a little confused...

"Lost me?"

Mikaela's eyes turned to ice and she stood up, started pacing. "You DIED, you asshole!"

"Wh..."

She interrupted me, "If Ratchet hadn't come when he did... I mean, fuck! What... how... what the fuck possessed you to go HOME of all places after all that shit?" she ranted, waving her hands around, stopping finally to glare at me.

I looked to Jazz, who was scowling at Mikaela, holding me around the waist firmly, but nodding..

"I died."

"Yeah." he nodded minutely, eyes half lidded.

… "Fuck."

A new voice sounded from the door, agreeing. "Indeed."

_So familiar... OH! Dude!_

It HAD to be Ratchet. The human, presumably the hologram of Ratchet, had a resemblance to that Wilson dude from House... except he was a little taller, had a bit of a belly, and a pair of thin-framed glasses perched on his nose. Kinda cute in a doctorly way. At least he was smart enough not to make his hologram irresistibly boneable, unlike SOME Autobots I knew... But I'd still do him.

_Dude, it's Ratchet. No._

_But... but look at him! He's so CUTE!_

After a thorough mental bitch-slapping (_wouldn't mind him being my gynaecologist ohmyGODquitit_), I tore my eyes off him and put them back on my own hot-ass holographic robot boyfriend. _Rawr_.

Looking back at the scowling Ratchet after a moment, I said the only thing I could. "Myeeeeeeeeeeh, what's up Doc?"

Mikaela face-palmed and Ratchet huffed.

"Obviously you are feeling better..." he grumbled, tromping over and staring down at me like an extremely disappointed father. "_What's up_ is we're transferring you to the base so you will be better protected, and I can oversee your recovery personally... these so called 'doctors' of yours nearly killed you..." he went on in a hoarse pissed off mumbling rant only emphasized by his rough removal of tubes and kicking of poles. I winced a couple times but he didn't seem to notice.

"Hey, ease up Ratch, she's been through enough without you tearing new holes in 'er!" Jazz protested.

"Jazz..." Ratchet looked about ready to melt holes through Jazz when I interrupted.

"OI!" They both stopped and looked at me. "What. Happened. To. Me."

Ratchet clenched a fist and proceeded to pace around like Mikaela (who promptly got out of the way, having seen him like this before). "I'll start with the small things. You were lucky the shock front pushed you out the door before the fire did too much damage. If it had been closed we'd be sweeping up your ashes right now. Two broken ribs, first and second degree burns on one fifth of your body, fortunately grafting is not needed, a broken wrist, some head trauma and the usual superficial lacerations, bruises..."

"Aaaaand, how did I actually, you know, DIE?!" I growled As my mind cleared I noticed more and more, well, pain... breathing especially. Not nearly as bad as I'd expected though, I've had broken ribs before...

"Cerebral contusion." He replied, like I knew what the fuck he was talking about.

"Buh?"

Mikaela, surprising us all, cleared it up. "More or less, you bruised your brain."

'_Sure as shit explains my memory loss, blurry vision... ouch... oh god, I wonder if any fell out?!_

"The pressure built high enough for..."

I shook my head. "Never mind, I don't wanna know."

"Don't do that." Ratchet warned, grabbing my head gently, yet firmly, to keep it in place. "That, combined with everything else was enough to..."

"I said I don't wanna know, doc." I growled. _So, I finally fucked my brain up... that's all I need._ _Fuck... FUCK._ _Great, am I gonna be in a wheelchair?_ _Have seizures?_

_Bah, don't think about it._

Ratchet seemed to relax, giving me a half-smile. "It's not as bad as it sounds. Some scarring is inevitable, and you will be bedridden for a while, but under my care, hopefully we will have you on your feet driving us crazy within a couple of weeks."

Hope shot through me. "Two weeks? Really?!" _He can't be THAT good. With mechs, sure, but with us little squishy humans?_

He nodded. "Really. BUT, only if you behave under my care, do what I say... not like SOME Autobots I know..."

Jazz did his best to look innocent and failed miserably.

"You will need constant monitoring and I do NOT trust these... 'quacks' to do it properly. And I have a few tricks up my sleeve I'd like to try on you, with your permission."

I gave him a narrow glare. "Uhhh, you wanna do experimental treatment."

"Yes."

_Visions of Ratchet and something that looked like an egg scrambler mixed with an anal probe.._ "Oh hell no!"

* * *

A few minutes and some loud 'need to know' information arguments later, Ratchet decreed that if I was stable enough to bitch, I was stable enough to move, and he and Mikaela left to get a gurney and sign some transfer papers, leaving me alone with Jazz.

I didn't know what the hell to feel. My head didn't hurt. Nothing really did. I was more numb than anything. I blamed the morphine and whatever the fuck else they gave me to keep me from yelling around. I wondered if I was all disfigured from the burns, but resisted asking Jazz to bring me a mirror. I didn't need to see that.

I wondered what my life would be like now... Sure Ratchet had some medical kung fu powers, but his primary objective was fixing bots, not humans, so I wasn't exactly confident in his ability to perform emergency brain surgery on me if anything went wrong, and I definitely didn't trust his time-lines. No way could I realistically be on my feet and kicking ass in two weeks. I had busted ribs! When the drugs wore off it'd hurt to breath, move, everything! And there was no way in fuck I'd let him replace my bones and skin with robot parts. No cyborging me, dammit!

Would I ever be able to drive again and not knock my brain loose or something?

_Don't think about it, dipshit._

Instead I hugged Jazz tighter with my good arm and squeezed my eyes shut. "This sucks."

"I know. But Ratch'll take care o' ya." Jazz reassured, completely confident in his Medic's expertise. He was still laid out beside me, one arm under my head for support, again careful for my busted brain, trying in vain to untangle my shortened hair with his other hand. Apparently the explosion roasted some of my hair off. I'd have to get Mikaela to cut it for me.

But after thinking about it a moment, he was right. I was still here, wasn't I? Ratchet could probably speed up my recovery, hell, with that kind of head trauma and all the burns and broken bits, shit, I should probably be either unconscious or screaming, not cuddled in bed with my hot holographic man-bot. He knew what he was doing. And the burns couldn't be all that bad if Jazz was still here, Mikaela wasn't all cry-sacky and bemoaning my roasted face or anything. And the best part was, well, whoever did this to me, I'd have a couple weeks to plot vengeance. I needed to cheer up... and the best way to cheer me up these days was to cheer up Jazz, who was entirely too sad and tired-looking right now.

"At least I still have my legs. Ironhide would have LOVED to make me a gun leg like that chick in Planet Terror."

"Want me to call ya Cherry Darlin'?"

"I can't Go-go dance. Don't even think about it." I tugged a dread.

I felt his fingers tip my head up so I'd look at him. "Where's my smile?"

"Probably still plastered to Optimus's grill."

His eyes sparkled as he leaned forward and kissed me. _Mmmmmmmmm_.

"Eww."

We parted and grinned at my sister's proclamation of disgust.

"Oh doctor Jazz, my vagina is sore!" I said in a cheesy porno falsetto, much to the revulsion of my poor sister.

Jazz purred like a sleaze, "I've got juuuuuuuuust the thing for that."

That sent my sister running, just in time to collide with Ratchet.

"FRAGGIT!"

"OW!"

Next thing we knew the nurse stumbled in, looking behind her like the hounds of hell were about to breach the doorway, then to us. "He IS a licensed practitioner, right?"

"Yeah, but he takes the Hippocratic Oath with a grain of salt and a lot of reinterpretation." Mikaela replied, running in after her with a bundle of papers and a gym bag.

"Lucky me." I agreed.

"I heard that." grouched the Medic, pushing a gurney in front of him, narrowly missing Mikaela in his 'haste' to get in the room. "Time to go."

They transferred me from the bed to the gurney, Ratchet and the Groovy Nurse, with Jazz grabbing the last of the stuff and Mikaela running along behind as they wheeled me down the hall. The nurse left us halfway to attend to another patient, and Ratchet suddenly sped up, practically running down the hallway pushing me and my gurney like a rushing mother with a grocery cart, dodging other patients, doctors, nurses and equipment, yelling "Out of the way! Critical Patient! Coming through!"

I could hear Mikaela huffing and puffing behind us and Jazz trying to hold in giggles as we rushed. "What's the hurry, Ratch?"

I tilted my head up and found Ratchet grinning like a maniac. "We have to be far gone before they take too close a look at that paperwork."

I snorted and went back to pretending to be sick. Well, didn't really have to pretend, but the 'pained' groaning probably helped.

We were in the parking lot in no time, rolling over the pavement towards... an ambulance?

"Wha..."

"I had to change alt-form. As did everybody." Ratchet didn't sound too happy about his new red and white alt form, but I thought the colours would suit him better than that toxic snot green he usually sported... though the new shape would really bugger with his Bot mode, make him more boxy. A Ratchet without curves? God forbid.

"Primus baby, you sounded like you were givin' birth in there." Jazz jogged beside us, smiling down at me, looking very hot with the blue sky behind him.

My sister snorted. "What do YOU know about labour? She'd have screamed a hell of a lot more than that."

"Shut it, both of you." Ratchet growled, stopping so suddenly I nearly flew off the gurney. A red Dodge Sprinter van braked right in front of us, and Ratchet narrowly missed slamming me right into it.

"You crazy shit!" I yelled, not sure whether at the driver or at Ratchet's horrible steering.

"Ironhide, move your fat ass!" Jazz said, kicking the Sprinter's back tire.

I gaped. "Ironhide?"

The driver hung his head out the window, Ironhide's holoform, looking very embarrassed and extremely bitchy. "Quiet," he growled, before backing out and parking nearby.

With his help, Ratchet got me loaded into the back of the 'ambulance' and slammed the doors. _This is so fucking weird..._

Through his open front windows I heard him order Mikaela to ride with Jazz in front, and Ironhide to bring up the rear, and to 'hurry the slag up before we're discovered!"

_Hee hee, I'm being smuggled. _It was painful, every bump making my ribs ache all the more, every jiggle causing my bandages to scrape unpleasantly... but fuck this was too much fun to bother focusing on the pain. But once he stopped moving the damn gurney most of it disappeared. And now I couldn't see shit but the parking lot out Ratchet's twin back windows.

Straps and metal thingamajigs moved on their own and secured me and my gurney in place as we moved, peeling out of the parking lot and quickly falling into formation. I was so tempted to mention how kinky those straps could be if Ratch ever got himself a girlfriend. I could hear the chatter coming from Ratchet's radio (he may be evil but he had some courtesy, at least enough to let me hear what they were all talking about), mostly just Jazz laughing his ass off and Ironhide mumbling something about his stupid new alt form and how Lennox still won't stop looking at him strangely.

I didn't get to see Jazz before I was loaded into Ratchet, and the curiosity was killing me. "What's your new alt, Sexy?"

I heard Mikaela giggling, then the sound of the seat falling back suddenly and a squeal. "Shut it, Mouse."

She only giggled harder. "But... no, I want her to SEE it."

"Ho." Jazz bitched, with a hint of brotherly fondness.

"_Gremlin_." She threw back meaningfully. It was nice to hear them banter again, and oh god, the visuals... I think Mikaela just told me what alt-form he chose. _Oh god, ewww... well, at least he's a collectable, though god knows what it's done to HIS bot-form._

Ratchet said nothing as he drove, only the occasional hum and haw as his internal scanners ran repeatedly over me. But before I could even ask about it, he answered my question. "I have scanners on my holoform but nothing near as accurate as those on my body."

"Huh. Groovy."

"Yes. You are healing rapidly, but not as much as I'd hoped under their 'care'. Once we're back at the base I should be able to accelerate the process."

"No egg scrambling my brain?" I asked warily, shifting uncomfortably on the gurney.

He huffed. "Of course not."

Jazz's voice cut the argument before it could even start. "Hey Doc!"

"WHAT is it Jazz?" He snapped.

"Chill! Was just gonna ask if we could go through the drive-thru here, Mikaela's hungry, and I'm sure the new girl would want some tea!"

"No." Ratchet put on some speed, probably forcing Jazz to speed up as well so his ass didn't get scraped off.

"Oooooh!" I agreed with Jazz, I hadn't had anything to eat in days! Well, that I could remember, and I didn't count the IV or that horrible shit the hospital called Jello.

"No."

"How 'bout some coffee?" I asked with a hint of pleading.

"NO!"

Jazz tried one last time. "Oh come on, it ain't gonna hurt 'er, and she'll probably be nice and complacent after."

I grinned. Jazz was one smart SOB, and I followed his lead., nodding my head. "I'll be good!"

Ratchet's engine growled irritably, but he acquiesced. "Fine. But make it fast!" and he wasted no time in giving me crap. "And quit moving back there."

"Hahaha, knew you'd see it my way!" I could hear Jazz's victorious smirk.

"Frag yourself Lieutenant."

Jazz broke from formation and apparently did some dumb-ass stunt to get to the other side of the road, as Ratchet gave him shit and Ironhide grumbled.

"Jazz!" I yelled suddenly. God forbid he bring me a latte or something similarly gross.

He came back quickly, "Don't worry, I know what my ladies like."

I purred. _Yes, yes you do... and as soon as I'm able I'm takin' advantage of that fact, just you wait._

Five minutes later Jazz was back in formation, both Ratchet and Ironhide silent but obviously on guard, and right now I'd give my right tit to be sitting in Jazz instead. I whimpered.

Ratchet grumbled, "What now?"

I could practically smell the coffee even though it was 30 feet away in a... not-Solstice. "You guys need internal teleporting abilities so I can have my coffee before it goes all lukewarm and icky."

"I'm keepin' it hot for ya." Jazz said sleazily.

"Rawr."

My sister gagged.

As time went on and the scenery out of Ratchet's back window changed from town to edge-of-town, the guys got involved in some sort of conversation in Cybertronian and I heard Mikaela humming over the comm lines. It was relaxing in a way to be surrounded by those noises after being asleep for five days.

When Jazz busted out laughing mid-sentence, it aroused my curiosity again. "What?"

"Ratch's just bitchin' about the newbs."

"Ooooh!" Mikaela got interested too, and I had to wonder why she knew as little as I did when she was the one awake. _God, if I find out she spent the past five fucking days at my side I'll cry._

I concentrated on the newbs to keep my eyes from watering up like a sissy. "Yeah, who the hell are they? I haven't heard a thing since 'Jack landed."

Ratchet just grumbled (does he ever NOT grumble?!?) so Jazz answered. "Well, the Bot chose the name Beachcomber."

Mikki and I were struck speechless for a moment. Then I asked, "Dear fucking god, what the fuck was he smoking when he came up with that one?"

Jazz laughed. "Apparently the human with him exposed him to some Canadian TV show called _Beachcombers_ and it sorta stuck with him."

Mikaela audibly grimaced. "Ugh, I remember that damn show... whenever we visited Gramma she'd be glued to the couch watching it. Every damn day."

Ratchet cut in and began bitching about … _Beachcomber_. _God, what a terrible name. _"That mech was in terrible shape when he finally showed up. Dents, dirty, gallivanting cross country doing Primus knows what with that female, chasing thunderstorms of all things! I would have thought years of space travel would have done something for him but noooo, he's as stubborn and absent minded as ever."

"Storm-chasing?" _Now why does THAT sound familiar?_ My spidey-sense was tingling.

"And he used to be a wonderful orator, I'd heard his lectures on planetary geology in surrounding galaxies...but now? Now he talks like an inebriated middle aged human!"

Mikaela butted in. "Brain damage?"

"His 'brain' is fine, fully functional and unimpeded now that his comm's been mostly repaired. It's that female, I swear to the Pit." The last was said in a frustrated growl.

"Yeah, that's it, blame the woman." Jazz teased.

Ratchet's engine roared momentarily and I felt him hit something ahead, probably Jazz's bumper. "You barely cursed before Malena came along."

"What's she like?" _It can't be who it sounds like. _

"Just a funky old lady, think you'll like 'er."

The comm's were silent for a moment before Mikaela spoke up. "Lena?"

"Yeah?"

"Can't be."

_Ahh, at least I'm not the only one..._ "Probably not." _That'd be way too much coincidence._

* * *

tbc

a/n: all I learned about medicine I learned from wikipedia and too much java. :D so don't take it seriously. I'm no brain surgeon. Hell, I can barely put a bandaid on myself without doing further damage. So yeah, ignore bad factoids.

And I just had to make him a van. Had to!

And I apologize to everyone, I don't like this chapter very much. But I hope it was at least a little entertaining, a little heartwrenching, and the next chapter's gonna be busybusy! (if I can get it out in less than two to three months which seems to be my posting schedule hahaha. Sorry 'bout that folks.


	17. Chapter 37

Not even gonna apologize this time. LOL. The shit hit the fan in my life, and even though I was at home on disability for two months, I was so drugged up and in a lot of pain, and writing was the last thing on my mind. Not to mention my place flooding and abandoning ship in two days. Now that things are starting to settle a little, I might begin to pump out some writing more often. Not making any promises though. LOL. I just wanted to post something now instead of waiting for frickin' ever.

* * *

_There are a lot of things in my life that I thought were real and ended up being fake. Why can't the opposite be true? - Accepted _

**Chapter 37**

From my experience, shit always hit the fan when life was just getting good, so this whole deal about getting blown up, chased all over town, shot at, everyone being evacuated to the Autobot base, the Prime not feeling his best while Decepticons were roaming around, well, it didn't really surprise me. It was the whole circle of life thing. When good shit's happening, that's the time one should prepare themselves for a shitstorm. And in the midst of said shitstorm, one should always keep hope that something good will come along. It's balance, life, and just how things seem to work.

_Well, not lately, but hey..._

During the drive to the base, after the chatter died down, that's when I came to terms with some of it. Sure, I was damaged. Sure, nobody was safe, we were surrounded by enemies, some known, some unknown, but at the same time, well, as cheesy as it sounded, we had each other. Our twisted little family had taken its hits and bruises (and various degrees of burns), but we were all present and accounted for, and apparently hosting a couple of new additions who could only make us stronger.

I only hoped it would be worth it. Greedy and selfish, yeah, but goddamn!

Despite the excitement of the escape, I was exhausted and dizzy from the drugs, and coupled with Ratchet's gentle rocking and that sweet humming that came from all Cybertronians, I fell asleep before we even reached the base. I barely recalled my removal from Ratchet's interior, only waking a little and seeing blurs of movement, sounds of footsteps and deep voices. As much as I wanted to wake up and say hi to people, my body decided it needed another nap.

It was some time before I came fully to myself, looking around to see the familiar Med Bay rather than in that... other place in my dreams. I heard the welcome sound of moving gears and a couple of Autobots yakking, heard a higher pitched voice talking about Mech medicine, and relaxed a little. Groggy as hell but feeling okay, I tried to seek out Jazz and my twisted sister. The Med Bay looked like usual, cleaner though, and I noted the absence of Ironhide, saw my sister climbing off the hood of some huge piece of junk metal... _waitaminute_...

_Oh. My. God_.

My astonished gasp caught Mikaela's attention, and with that kung fu mind-meld only sisters have, looked over and started laughing at the 'scrap metal' just as hard as I did.

As my indignant, tarnished grey/blue/greenish coloured Gremlin mech-man transformed and crossed his holey and slightly rusted arms and glared at me, I screamed laughter so hard I could have re-broke a rib.

_His chest! Oh my god, his legs... no... oh man!_ I covered my mouth in my hands and screamed into them.

"Oh, laugh it up, fuzzball." He growled in a pissy baritone, and gave the squealing Mikaela a very light kick in the ass, toppling her to the floor where she lay in a giggling heap.

Even Ratchet wasn't immune to the fun. With a rather un-doctorly smirk he quipped, "It's a sad, sad day

when Ironhide beats you in style."

"Looked in a mirror lately, Wide-Load?" Jazz countered, gesturing at Ratchet's new-found girth. I had to admit, he looked great in white and red, but the more blocky armour chunks did nothing for his figure. If I was gonna be here for a while maybe I could convince him to go back to being a Humvee, but keepin' the colour scheme. _Rawr!_

The medic grumbled and dug around in his stack of tools. Jazz quickly spoke up again, muffled from the arms crossed defensively over his head. "Truce!"

Ratchet had something that looked like an oversized screwdriver in his huge mitt, ready to fly, pausing just in time. "Conditions."

Jazz rambled a reply, counting the points off his fingers. "I'll help clean th' Bay for a week, and I got Malena's coffee! Spill it and endanger anyone within fifty feet!"

"Hey!" I grouched with mock dignity. _He's probably right though._

With a '_don't kill me_' look in my direction he dug around in the area around his armpit (eww) and produced an extra large styrofoam coffee cup. I mentally (and likely physically) drooled.

"...fine." Ratchet dropped the screwdriver back on the table and narrowed his eyes at Jazz, making us all aware he'd get his vengeance later despite the truce.

Mouse watched the entire exchange in silence, bug-eyed and sporting a giant shit-eating grin. I couldn't help but wish someone had installed a nice little mud-wrestling pit in this joint so we could throw the boys in there for just such occasions... _ohhh, all those grunty noises... and oooh, we'd get to wash 'em all later! Bonus! Wonder where Ratchet's happy spot is..._

I shook myself before my brain got into too much detail, in time to see Optimus stride in and stop short at seeing the two bots still facing off, Ratchet obviously winning.

_Woah dude... _Even _he_ looked different. The flame-paint was still there, but drastically altered. Shorter, and more colours, ranging from bright red to a near-white super-pale yellow, and he had letters! Little white ones, and a few numbers on his arms and legs, (and M and a D, maybe a G?), so jumbled up from his transformation that it was unreadable. The rest of him was a surprisingly flattering shade of dark blue, nearly black. Somehow he retained his hot legs, and his chest-windows grew to be wider than his old form. But dear god his back and part of his arms were a horrid dark brown/black... not armour, just dirty looking metal.

Thankfully I couldn't see his grill. In bot mode it folded inwards somewhere around his 'belly', and if I saw a dent in that I knew I'd end up sobbing like a little bitch. Ridiculous, sure, but I was fucking tired and drugged and unreasonably guilty. That was PRIME, and I dented him.

"Dare I ask?" He glanced down to Mikaela, who'd taken shelter by his big foot. I always got a kick out of his toes. _He has toes! Hee!_

"Jazz called Ratchet fat."

"And he's still functioning?" the big bot rumbled humorously, giving Jazz a fake look of astonishment.

Ratchet grumbled, "He called truce before I could retaliate."

"Ahh."

The two larger bots got to talking in quiet voices, so Jazz quietly slipped between them and knelt by my bedside, handing me my coffee. The styrofoam was warm, and my hand was cold, so I took it gratefully as he found the little lever to prop the back of my bed up. _Ahhhh, much better._

"How're ya doin'?" he asked when he was done, settling into a cross-legged position on the floor. He looked plain ol' goofy with the new form and paint-job, but that look of concern in his face wiped any temptation to giggle out of my head.

"A little dizzy, a lot tired. Sore. And I got a headace." I answered honestly. I wished I could lie to him, tell him I was fine, but he knew better. I could bullshit my sister all I wanted, but he had scanners and shit, I couldn't fool him if I wanted to. I tried anyway, cause I'm sorta dumb. "But I've got enough morphine in me to sedate a rhinoceros, and so far, no anal probes. It's all good."

My sister sidled up next to him and fussed over my blankets, muttering "You're obsessed with anal probes," pulling them up to my chin like I was some four year old with a cold. I didn't mind. Once in a blue moon I could tolerate being coddled a little, and if it made her feel better, all the more reason. The girl had motherly instincts that would not be repressed.

"Ya need anything?"

"Whisky?" I asked half-jokingly.

"My aft." Ratchet muttered, listening in despite being in somewhat deep conversation with Prime. Optimus looked over as well, telltale signs of guilt crossing his features. _Shit. How did I know he'd get the whole 'martyr' complex about this?_ It wasn't his fault.

I had to lighten the mood before the mental violins started playing. "Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

Prime dropped his face into his palm, shoulders shaking and Jazz snorted. My sister thwacked my leg with the back of her hand, but grinned. Ratchet, on the other hand, looked less than amused.

"Keep that up and a frontal lobotomy will be the least of your concerns."

"Lighten up doc, at least I'm not a vegetable, and you don't have any diapers to change." I shot back. And he knew it was the truth, hell, I could be missing limbs, fried beyond recognition, or dead! A bruised brain and a couple broken bones wasn't shit. I wasn't being flippant, just looking on the bright side. Maybe it _was_ the morphine.

_Booyah for the good stuff._

But at least my sister agreed with me. "If she's still joking around, she'll live, is what she's saying."

Ratchet took that in, nodded. "Considering your mental abilities appear to be undamaged despite the injury, I shall attempt to 'lighten up'."

A bit of tension I didn't know was there, released when he said that. "Thanks, Ratchet."

"BUT." He pointed a huge white finger at me, "You WILL submit to further tests without a fight, and do exactly as I tell you, until I see fit for you to leave MY Med Bay."

I shrivelled like a penis on a cold day. "Yessir."

At that moment, something uncomfortable occurred to me. _Ugh_. I coughed a little to get Ratchet's attention. He leaned down when I beckoned, so I whispered, "I gotta pee!"

"Then 'pee'. You have a catheter."

I must have looked absolutely horrified, as Ratchet literally belly-laughed. "What, you can't feel it?"

"Morphine, remember?" I gasped, looking down at my poor abused crotch. I felt panic creep up on me. _'There's a needle in my poonany!'_

"Get it out, get it out, GET IT OUT!"

Mikaela grabbed my hand and shushed me. "This, or a bedpan."

_Just like her to lay it flat for me._ I shuddered at the thought of a bedpan.

She smiled knowingly, and whispered, "Let me know when you have to go #2 and we'll try your feet."

"I'm awake now, I want it out!"

"Go ahead, pee the bed. Then he'll have to change you."

Just when I told him he didn't have to change my diapers too... dammit. _Catheter it is... for now_. I shuddered.

When Ratchet was done laughing and had walked off to resume his convo, which seemed to get a little heated, with Prime, Mikaela leaned down and stage-whispered loud enough for the whole room to hear, "By the way, I should have told you. Ratchet turns into quite the bitch when he's angry."

Luckily the big white bot had the good grace not to punt my sister like a fleshy football, too busy with the Big Boss, but he did spare her his patented 'Glare O' Doom'. Mikaela had the balls to merely grin back.

Jazz continued. "And he only gets angry when 'is patients get uppity. He just wants ya to get better."

"Yeah, I get that. I can just _see_ the shit he's had to put up with."

Ratchet again interrupted. "You have NO idea." Then, to Prime, "You, sit your regal aft down on that berth or I'm calling reinforcements."

Suddenly a little afraid, Jazz leaned down to better talk to me, "We should get our lil' asses outta here. This..." he pointed towards the two taller bots and their glaring contest, "Looks like it's gonna get nasty. Let's see what Sam n' Bee are doin', my Mousey."

"Don't leave me here!" I whispered harshly as Ratchet loomed over his other patient.

"And don't call me that." Mikki whacked his leg. "Ow."

"Sorry babe, I like my head where it is." He reached over my bed and snatched up Mouse, who for once didn't protest at the treatment, "I'll bring ya another coffee later, 'kay?" Then he gave my hair a quick feel/pat, and ran like hell out of the Medbay. Made me wish the bed was motorized so I could go with him, especially after gettin' a look at Ratchet's face as he ordered the Prime around like a misbehaved child.

Prime looked affronted. "You wouldn't."

"JUST try me."

His engine rumbled, then hesitantly the huge bot hitched himself up onto the mind-bogglingly tall berth, set at Ratchet's work level, and lay down with a grouchy mumble.

Ratchet nodded his approval to Prime's acquiescence, but gave him a light smack upside the head anyway. "Quit whining, it's for your own good."

Prime grumbled anyway.

I turned my head away slowly, so they couldn't see my grin. The sounded like a little old couple bickering. I listened to a loud CLANG and a miffed growl, Ratchet shuffling, "Hold still, you fragger", then the eerie sound of a drill powering up.

_Oh god, he's gonna drill Prime._

_And that sounds soooooooooooo dirty!_ _Bwahaha_.

After five minutes or so of drilling sounds, Ratchet's cussing and the scream and bang of metal being torn loose, I finally worked the guts up to look over. "What's wrong with him?" I asked, too curious for my own good, seeing bits and pieces of Prime's armour looking loose enough for me to pry off with a crowbar, and half of his chest armour on the floor

Ratchet continued drilling as he answered me. "He's been complaining of strange energy spikes, what could be called lethargy, stiff joints, and a feeling not unlike 'indigestion', in addition to irregular spark rhythm. The hit he took in the explosion only exacerbated the problem. I'll be able to say with more certainty in approximately ten minutes, barring distractions." He said the last with gusto, sparing me a look that made me want to sink into my blankets and hide.

I felt like poo. "Sorry."

Ratchet stopped drilling, pinning me down with his optics alone. "I did not mean to imply fault, Miss Banes. Merely stating facts."

I still felt like poo. "At least tell me he's not conscious." _That'd just be evil otherwise_.

"Of course he isn't." Ratchet snapped.

"Just asking man!"

I decided to shut the fuck up for a while. Sure I didn't like gettin' bitched at, especially by him, but at the same time I knew he was under an unbelievable amount of pressure right now, so I forgave him a little for being a bit of a shit-heel.

Trying to ignore the nasty sounds from twenty feet away as the medic poked around, grumbled, swore and slammed tools, I turned to my side and let the overwhelming need to sleep take over for a bit. At least here I knew I was relatively safe.

* * *

I woke again god-knows how much later, to a rather interesting argument.

"If you could have the power of any of the X-men, who's would you take?"

"That's easy. Magneto."

I recognized Jazz's voice. "Oooooh."

"Who?"

"Ratchet, use your google-fu." My sister sassed.

Silence, then, "Oh."

"Imagine it. I could walk up to Soundwave or Barricade, blink, and they'd crumple like yesterday's newspaper." My sister said with half awe, half evil smugness.

Ratchet countered with logic. "How can you be sure Magneto's power would work on our particular alloys?"

"I'd test it first, of course!"

I stifled a groan and shifted my heavy-limbed and aching body so I was facing the combatants, wary of pressure on my ribs and the cast on my wrist, and just listened to them. Ratchet, of course, noticed, acknowledged, but didn't come poke me with anything, apparently way too interested in comic book heroes. I didn't mind. Mikaela was sitting cross-legged on the floor, polishing what looked like a piece of Optimus Prime's leg armour, (the lucky ho), and Jazz was nearby sorting parts. Prime himself was still... unconscious on the table. Or whatever the fuck the robot equivalent was called.

Jazz perked. "What, you'd crumple an Autobot?"

"I vote for the twins." Ratchet snarked, traipsing over to me finally and looking to be in a much better mood, taking a moment to scan me, poke at my wrist cast and prop my bed back up so I could more easily see everyone, before handing me a glass of water and a couple of pills. I swallowed the little pink things gratefully, a little curious why there wasn't any more morphine.

"Twins?" Mikaela quirked a brow, but shook her head and went on with her polishing. "Hell no, I'm not that twisted."

I had to speak up. "Yet."

"Hey Lena. Nah, I'd, like, levitate Prime or something, just to see if I could. And even if I couldn't, I could just throw a building or a few cars at 'em or something." She tossed the soft rag aside and stood, carefully placing the heavy-looking leg-piece to balance against the edge of the nearest berth, then grabbed what looked like one of his chest-windows and a bottle of Windex.

Jazz settled next to my bed and fiddled with my blankets, but kept the convo going. "Okay, here's one... Magneto himself, allied Autobot or Decepticon?"

Ratchet and I both voted Decepticon, Mikaela voted Autobot, but Jazz stayed silent, pondering his own question. When he noticed us all expectantly staring at him, he shrugged. "What? He's not evil, but he's got no love for humanity. Might jus' be on the fence for this one..."

"Third party?" Mikaela asked.

Jazz's optics brightened. "Double agent!"

Ratchet crossed his arms. "Logic?"

_As if there's logic in this conversation. But then again, considering there's real live giant alien mechs running around, who says the X-men can't be real too?_

"I ain't no expert but considering his childhood, I can't see Magneto workin' for the Cybertronian equivalent of Hitler." He warded off arguments with a raised hand. "BUT! He might be clever enough to use ol' Megabitch's firepower and influence to achieve his own goals first, before squishing him."

I saw Ratchet smirk at 'Megabitch' and nod a couple times during Jazz's argument, which I admitted had some good points.

"So he more or less gets the best of both worlds He wins his war against humans by using Megatron and his lackeys to roast us, but gets some brownie points by flattening the asshole afterwards, thereby winning the war for the Autobots."

Ratchet hummed, then shook his head. "This is a ridiculous line of conversation."

Mikaela snorted. "And yet, here you are." She patted his leg fondly as he dropped a clean rag into her hands.

"Ooooh, Professor Xavier and Soundwave!" Jazz piped up, nearly knocking my bed over in his excitement.

"And there he goes." Mikaela laughed as Ratchet tromped out of the Med Bay, still shaking his head but wearing his version of a restrained grin.

"Don't know if they're, ermmm, compatible."

"Pervert." Mouse giggled again.

"Not like that!" I protested. "Though I have to say, their babies would be really fuckin' ugly."

I'd only seen Soundwave once, on the 'battlefield' a couple months ago during the Demolition Derby, when he was ass-naked, but Jazz showed me some clearer images of him with his standard armour structure and told me some rather frightening stories about him that made me eternally grateful to him and my sister for rescuing my dumb ass before he could get his claws on me.

Shaking that off, I continued. "Okay, I meant.. uhh, can Soundwave 'hack' an organic mind, and vice versa?"

My sister and I immediately looked to Jazz for the answer, but he merely shrugged again. "Cerebro, maybe. I don't recall him hackin' into an organic... though I could be wrong."

We somehow spent another twenty minutes pitting X-men against Cybertronians of both factions before Ratchet came back, taking a moment to very gently lift me off the bed, turn me over, and place me back down face first. "You need some air on those bruises." Was his logic, and if I strained my neck enough I could see the reflection of them on my back. And, unfortunately, saw that I was wearing one of those terrible ass-less hospital robes. Then...

"I have the fuckin' Autobot symbol imprinted on my ribs?" I nearly laughed, awed by the grill pattern all over my back. I looked like a barbequed hamburger! Scary, but funny at the same time.

Ratchet ignored me, instead asking Mikaela to spread some creamy shit on my back (cold as hell!), then he wandered off and steadfastly ignored us as we resumed our conversation. He occasionally snorted as one point or another was made, or Jazz came up with some ridiculous question. The medic outright laughed at Mikaela's, with her, "I wonder if Storm would be considered a Cybertronian sex toy, what with all that lightning control and shit?"

Then of course, Ironhide, in all his red, boxy bad-assery, had to bust into the med bay and declare quite loudly that he'd obliterate them all. After all, nothing beat _his_ cannons.

"Woah."

He hadn't come alone. Behind him was a really... funky lookin', dirty as hell, dented, short-ish blue mech.

Ratchet immediately gave him shit. "I thought I ordered you to wash. You look like slag, and you smell even worse."

"Heya Beach!" Jazz waved, and the blue bot waved back, gaily ignoring the medic's rant.

_Ahhh, the illustrious missing bot. Cool._

"Hey, my man!" The larger mech gave Jazz a hearty slap on the back. "Hey Ratch, could you check my comms? I still got static."

_Double-woah._ He spoke with a strange accent and tone mix of Tommy Chong and Elvis, with a slight metallic rasp.

"It's likely from all the mud jammed in your audio systems, but I will take a look."

As the blue bot strolled casually further into the room, guided by Ratchet, I couldn't help but admire how damned pretty he was. He moved so fluidly, and his design was extremely cool. He stood maybe five feet shorter than Ratchet, but almost as thick. His paint-job was a near-sky blue, with a bit of white and black to offset it, made it stand out brighter. He had a visor not unlike Jazz's but it had a different shape, more rectangular, smaller... kinda like funky sunglasses, and it glowed a darker blue.

The most noticeable thing about the new mech was that he had absolutely no visible weaponry. Not a gun, no mounted rockets, no cannons. Kind of like Ratchet, except we all knew better about him. Those hidden saws and guns weren't no kids toys. But this guy, shit, he didn't even seem like the type to hide anything, and I'd only known him for five seconds.

BUT, the weirdest thing of all was... he stunk. Seriously. Maybe it was the mud and stuff too, but there was a distinct scent around him that was sort of familiar...

Ratchet turned him around by the shoulder, so his back was to my bed, and... _wow, he has a sticker on his ass_. A tie-dye style peace sign, about the size of two of my hands. _That smell, okay, yeah, I know that smell faaaaaaar too well. _At that moment I missed college.

Mikaela saw the sticker the same time I did and pointed at it. I nodded and grinned. I forgot she hadn't met him yet either, what with being stuck beside me for the past few days at the hospital.

Ratchet pushed the poor bot down head-first so he was bent at the 'waist', in a hilariously compromising position with his head practically in Ratchet's crotch. He probably would have gotten him on the table if it wasn't for Prime taking up all the space. The medic popped something open in the back of Beachcomber's head and dug around a little, carefully pulling out some piece of circuitry I'd have to have taken 20 years of tech school to even _name_.

The mech just took the rough treatment, stood still and calm, but kept talking. "Oh wow, man, are those the girls you told me about?"

_Oh fuck, the more he talks the more I expect to see him pull out a mech-sized baggie of green and light up! _

Jazz answered, and I tried not to blush just thinking that he'd been going around talking about me and my sister to a buncha noobie aliens. "Oh yeah. This one here's the girl who saved my ass, and now she's stuck with me for life, Mikaela..."

"Hey there pretty lady." Beachcomber waved a small hand at her upside down. She waved back, as fascinated with him as I was. He had the coolest hands of all the bots, even funkier than Jazz's. Each hand had _six fingers_, all thick at the knuckles and tapered to almost the width of a human thumb at the ends, and had four joints per finger. Very dexterous, looked like he could probably do a whole hell of a lot of shit with those hands.

_Christ woman, you just met him! Think undirty thoughts, think undirty thoughts..._

"Stay still."

"Sorry man."

Jazz patted my blanket-covered legs next. "And this one's Malena, her older sister, who's also stuck with me for life."

_Yeah, stuck...between my LEGS_, my stupid brain exclaimed, causing me to smirk like an idiot. Jazz caught it and grinned back.

Big and Blue didn't wave this time, just grinned brilliantly and made a very cool electronic humming sound.

"There. Now go over there and sit quietly while I figure out what the frag you clogged this up with." Ratchet ordered, and Beachcomber obeyed without a word of protest, no snark, nothing. Wow. He just walked off a few feet and slid up onto another, smaller table, crossed his funky looking legs in lotus style, and watched us as we all chatted, seemingly content with just chilling out.

_Groovy._

* * *

'Where the fraggin hell am I?'

_He felt cold all over, stiff, like someone had sprayed him with a layer of superglue and rubber and let him dry, then injected his fuel systems with ice. Even his mind felt slowed down, everything he tried to think took forever, came so slow that to Frenzy years could have passed between one thought and another. And for Primus's sake, his head hurt. _

_Fight!_

_He struggled through the feeling of tightness, concentrated, moved an arm. Twitched a leg. Groaned at how hard it was, how it made him feel as if someone spun him in circles. He felt about ready to purge his tanks all over himself. _

_A voice out of nowhere whispered into his disoriented mind. _'Play dead!'

'Eh?'

_The voice was familiar but... no, it wasn't there. The name. Fraggit why was he thinking so slowly? _

_What the frag was going on? Where was he? _

_Frenzy reached out with his sonar, not nearly as strong as his optical vision, but enough to get an idea of the lay out of the place, and some of the things in it. There was someone nearby, another Cybertronian signal He felt the humans moving about, heard them talking, but ignored them in favour of getting to know the area and maybe, just maybe, finding a way out. Yet another benefit of being a tiny Decepticon, one could find the small crevices to escape into. _

_They humans swarmed like bees around one particular unreadable pile of lifeless something, about as far away as Soundwave was tall, Frenzy could not identify it, just that it was metal... and dead. Probably a junked car, the humans tearing it apart for parts or something, he guessed. _

_As none of them were looking his way, and he did not detect cameras pointed in their direction, Frenzy dared to crack one optic open, turned the light emitting down as low as it could go without obscuring his range, and took a peep._

_Surrounding the pile of scrap metal were about half a dozen humans in various states of dress, from full body suits that made them look like cheap astronauts (how laughable) to a man with a simple lab coat and a clipboard, to a greasy male in coveralls, much like the ones human mechanics wore. _

_That pile, it wasn't a car... It was Blackout... dear Primus, that pile of smouldering blackened torn up metal was BLACKOUT. Frenzy identified his torn rotors, a hand, the crest on his head... Frenzy felt sick. Little vials of energon, lubrication fluids, torn bits of metal, were all lined up in vials on a table with wheels, next to various tools that looked like torture instruments, shining off the halogen lighting, it was right out of a bad dream. Blackout looked like he'd been rusting here for years, not months, and picked at like scavengers had a few goes at him. It was grotesque, and Frenzy felt his tanks churn even more when he realized that if these squishies did that to Blackout, they could potentially do the same to him._

_'_That is not going to happen to me.'

_The twitch in his leg became a kick, his arms all began to move, feel around himself, find the restraints holding him down, tear at them. Opened his optics wide, but they were mostly obscured with snowy white frost and the smoke drifting off his dead comrade._

_'_Play dead ya fuckin' dolt!_' the voice in his head yelled again, angry and pleading at the same time._

_No! No, he had to move, get up, get going, get out of here, find his brothers, find his creator, find Barricade, crush Autobots, gloat, drink, spark some femme, MOVE! This inability to move was gonna drive him absolutely crazy, he had to go, go, go now. _

_Frenzy wiped desperately at his optics til the sheen of frost scraped off enough for him to see the squishies... maniacs with white shiny outfits and giant guns coming right for him, babbling their nonsense talk. He screamed and thrashed, got half of his body loose before they fell upon him and loosed icy hell from their weapons. _

_NO!_

_His thoughts slowed down from speedy panic to a mild desolate crawl, all his limbs froze and stiffened again, pain like nothing he'd felt infused his whole body, all his lines and circuitry, joints aching, in a final horrified thought Frenzy believed entirely that if someone merely tapped him, he'd shatter._

"_Specimen contained."_

"_And the other one?"_

"_No movement."_

"_Good. Use a higher grade chain on that one. He killed two of our men before we got him."_

"_Yes sir."_

_Frenzy listened, tried to understand all those words, something about high grade maybe... was it Ratchet? The medic would heal anyone... no, it __wasn't Ratchet, it was humans, and they hurt him. He tried to blink his optics, clear them of the frost again, but with agonizing slowness and a scratching pain, they slowed and froze half shut. His systems slowed to a near halt, warnings shot through his mind, before everything finally went black again._

* * *

Sometime later, after Ironhide and Beachcomber had a not-so friendly argument about the best way to fry a Decepticon, and Ratchet kicked everyone but Beachcomber and my sister out, I found myself thinking about the grumpy Weapon's Specialist. He and Beachcomber, despite having very different viewpoints on morality and the war, got along quite well. He and Bumblebee had a really cool relationship as well, almost brotherly. Definitely brotherly. Ironhide was the big tough older bro showing the younger one the ropes, how to drink, how to pick up girls, how to do proper arm curls. Just ten minutes ago he put Bee in a headlock til Bee cried 'Uncle'.

Ironhide might have been the biggest bad-ass on the galactic block, but his optics always gave him away, especially when confronted with a nearly year old baby named Annabelle, and Bumblebee's baby-blue optics. 'He's a Care Bear with rocket launchers', Mikaela once said of him, and looking at him a few minutes ago I definitely believed it. If by some weird magic he became a human, I could see him as a big daddy type, the kind who spoiled their little girls. Oh! DeNiro in _Meet the Parents_! If Clint Eastwood, Robert Deniro and the Death Star made a baby, it'd be Ironhide.

_Bad, bad visuals. _

"UGH!" I blurted the disgusted sound before I could stop myself, unfortunately causing Ratchet to start and drop Beachcomber's now-clean comm stuff.

"What?" Mouse looked at me like I had tentacles spewing out of my nose as she finished polishing the last of Prime's armour.

"Oh god, don't ask. Just... gimme drugs or something. Ugh!"

Ratchet resumed work with a scoff and Beachcomber just smiled. "Dreamin'?"

"Nightmare."

He gave a rather cute head-tilt. "What abou..."

Ratchet interrupted, placing Beachy's stuff back on his little table thing. "Lennox just contacted me, Beachcomber, she'd like to see you." he said, giving Mikaela and I an indecipherable look, to which I merely quirked a brow at and my sister ignored.

Not once in the past day did the Autobots or fellow humans say the woman's name, and it was hard to tell if it was deliberate or not, or if they just didn't know... I found out why a couple of minutes later when the sky blue perked up just as the door to Ratchet's domain opened and a dog about the size of a small horse bolted inside, barking madly and ran straight for Beachcomber, followed by the voice of a laughing, shouting old woman who hadn't quite gotten through the door yet.

"Hey Miriam! Hello Bruticus! Who's a good dog, hmmmm? Who's a good good dog. Been watching Miriam for me? Have you? Gooooood boy." Beachcomber reached down and ran two fingers along the giant, tongue-happy dog's back, and beckoned the human inside.

"I KNEW IT!" Mikaela yelled, pointing at Ratchet and the bad imitation of 'innocent' he was attempting.

I silently agreed with my sister, but couldn't do anything but nod and stare as my fucking GRANDMOTHER, clad in her usual long brown skirt and flowery shirt, shuffled through the door, a look of flat-out astonishment on her tanned and wrinkled face.

"My grandbabies?" She looked at Mikaela and myself in turn, then narrowed her eyes at Beachcomber. "You knew the whole time, you rust-bucket!"

The blue bot laughed. "Naw, I wouldn't lie to you, man! I just found out."

Ratchet elbowed him. "Yeah, two days ago."

"Just went with the flow, knew the ladies would come together eventually." Beachy drawled, leaning back on his elbows, completely oblivious to the glares he was getting from the three of us...

Mikki apparently couldn't hold it in any longer, breaking into a run towards our tottering grandmother with a squeal of joy. _Lucky bitch_, I thought with some jealousy and a lot of my own joy. Christ, neither of us had seen her in about four years, only getting mail and presents from her every few months, and the occasional phone call. She was by far our favourite relative, and funny as hell to be around. _And_, I thought with an internal squee, _absolutely hilarious when she was stoned_, which she obviously was right now...

She threw her arms in the air and waddled/practically dragged her way across the room, meeting Mikaela with a squeal of "My little baby girl!" And wrapped her old arms around her and squeezed.

_I wanna huuuuuuuuuug!_ I mentally whined like a two year old.

Gramma, in her eternal grooviness, seemed to hear me, and let go of Mikaela just enough so she could hobble my way while keeping my sister enwrapped. Ratchet, the big sweetheart, was nice enough to push my bed over a little so she wouldn't have to go as far, and I was soon happily Gramma-glomped. She even smelled the same as I remembered, a mix of patchouli, sandalwood, and weed. Strange as it sounded it was a happy smell to me. I wrapped my uninjured arm around her neck and held her in place, taking my sweet time feeling her hair, listening to her laugh, doing my best to answer her questions and not scare her, and grinning widely at the extremely pleased-looking Beachcomber and the excited wagging Bruticus sitting on his leg.

_Okay, this is much better. _

* * *

a/n: yeah, no surprise for us who the old lady was, but it sure as shit was for the girls... Suspicions, yes. Certainty, hell to the NO. Heh. And i had to name the dog Bruticus. Big happy floppy superhuge dog who can't hate anything named Bruticus? Yeah, it's like those huge bald scary biker types with nicknames like 'Tiny.' it just has to be done.

Made Prime into a dump truck. I was gonna make him into a tow truck but I got inspired by a dark blue, flame painted dump truck that passed by me on a smoke break and just had to alter it. And Beachcomber's alt is an FJ Cruiser. It seems to fit him a little more, to me at least.


	18. Chapter 38

_I'm sorry, it's medically impossible for a robot and a washing machine to have children - Robot Chicken_

* * *

**Chapter 38**

Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Jazz watched us Banes women hug and chat and generally glomp each other around my gurney, and I thought him to be well behaved considering the situation. He fidgeted a bit in his obvious curiosity but otherwise let us re-unite for a while. Until...

"There's somethin' I jus' don't get."

We pretty much ignored him, so Ratchet huffed and addressed him. "What else is new?"

"Shaddap Wide-Load. I thought her last name was Maciskinik, not Banes."

That caught Gramma's attention, and she somehow extracted herself from my rubbery grip and explained shit to Jazz. "It is. Miriam Isabelle Jones Asaiken Banes Maciskinik."

"You married Barry? Ewww." Mikaela protested, shuddering. I remembered Barry Maciskinik from last time we went up to visit Gramma in Climax. Oh god, I still got a kick out of the name. I swear that's the only reason she moved there. Anyway, Barry was this huge dark haired Cree with a gut, a long braid and a penchant for those boosted up trucks with the dangling blue testicles on the back. And he was one of those dudes who made bad bad jokes and got all depressed if you didn't laugh at em. Gramma adored him, thought he was cute. He was if you were into teddy bears.

"We're separated."

"Still... eww."

I imagined she had he very horrible image of Gramma gettin' it on with him, and agreed with the 'eww'... though old ladies deserved to get shagged into the ground too.

I shuddered.

Jazz looked even more confused. I took pity on him. "She's been married, what, three times now?" I looked to Gramma and she nodded. "Yeah. And kept all the names."

Gramma nodded proudly up at my currently ugly Gremlin mech, and I gave her a good looking over now that the surprised glee had toned down a bit. She looked fucking great! At 72 years, she looked 65, or even younger. Not for her style, (god, what's with those loud flower print dresses?) but the LIFE sparking in her blue eyes. She moved slow, but again, she always moved slow after a hoot or seven. Whatever she'd been doing at that old folks home in Climax had done wonders for her vitality.

Frowning at Jazz and his ugly new form, she shook her head and hugged me again. "Too small. I like mah cars like I like mah men. Big, powerful, and well-aged."

"Hey, one outta three ain't bad!" Jazz protested.

I quipped, "Big? Definately."

Mikaela sputtered and coughed, blowing an impressive amount of Mountain Dew from her nose.

"Then you'll love Ironhide. He's the most 'aged' of us all." Ratchet snarked, earning a cuff upside the head from the offended 'Bot, who'd joined us unnoticed whilst the humans were glomping.

"Frag you, Ratchet."

"Not even for the best high-grade in the universe."

"Now, now girls, you're both pretty." Mikaela said, then ran and hid behind Gramma when Ironhide swung his cannon in her direction.

"Oooh, I like a big gun on a man." Gramma purred, not minding at all being used as a human shield.

A look crossed his Ironhide's face, somewhere between flustered and flattered, and he lowered the cannon.

Yeah, life was good.

"One thing I don't get though, Gramma. Out of all the old folks homes in all of the Great White North, how the hell did YOU," I pointed at her, "Find HIM?" I pointed at Beachcomber, then addressed every bot in the room, "What're you guys, magnetically pulled to Banes girls?"

Beachcomber carefully woke Bruticus from the big dog's slobbery nap on his foot til the beast dragged himself off, shook mightily, and trotted for Gramma. The mech grinned down at the old lady and the big mutt, and answered for her. "Dunno that one, lil' lady, she came outta nowhere..."

"I saw a cute blue butt and followed!" Gramma laughed, scruffing Bruticus's head and scooting him away. He galumphed over to Ironhide, who had to visibly restrain himself from frying the dog. I heard a muttered, "Big rodent." as he tried to use his toe to gently push the dog away. Obviously someone had taught him dog manners, probably Gramma. She'd find some way to whup Ironhide's ass if he hurt Bruticus. I'd help.

Ratchet crossed his arms and glared at them both. "And proceeded to drive around Tornado Alley for... a week, was it?"

Both had the good sense to look guilty, but tag-teamed Ratchet with excuses all the same.

"Hey, man, I couldn't talk!"

"It was his first time on earth! He needed to see a good thunderstorm."

"No big rush to get anywhere."

"And I haven't been on vacation since 1998!"

"Nobody got hurt."

"And my Brutie got some fresh air!"

"ALL RIGHT!" Ratchet interrupted, giving up in the face of Gramma's Pouty Lip™ and Beachcomber's obvious laid-back attitude. "Fine. Just don't do it again."

The two wayward travellers grinned victoriously and gave peace signs to each other.

* * *

Everyone trickled out of the Med Bay around suppertime, either ordered away by Ratchet or finding other things to do, leaving me once again alone with the newly white and red mech. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It was great to see Gramma, and Mikaela, and Jazz, and meet the new guy, but fuck, I was exhausted, achy all over, and could only take so much. I felt bad for being relieved but I mentally thanked Ratchet for noticing. I teased the guy incessantly but I knew he had a warm heart, and smart as a fuckin' tack.

_What the fuck does 'smart as a tack' mean?_

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I woke up to the clock saying 1 AM, BB King caressing Lucille at a civil volume, and the sight of Ratchet sitting on a few big crates, resting his feet up on the berth Optimus Prime still snoozed on, nodding his head to the music with optics half shuttered, arms crossed behind his head.

_Cool_.

The more I hung around these guys the more I appreciated just how, well, _human_ they were. Always doin' shit I didn't expect. It was shitty to admit but once in a while my ignorant side told me 'these guys big AI robots, no thinky right', though I damn well knew better. And when Ratchet did shit like this it kicked the idea into my head a little harder. No non-souled being would chill out like this to BB King. They were sentient, feeling, living beings with discriminating tastes and a widespread variety of personalities and beliefs, just like humans. They just happened to be metallic rather than flesh and blood.

It helped that Ratchet and the Blues felt right. I could see him performing non-emergency surgery to a Buddy Guy soundtrack, cleaning his Med Bay to Otis Redding, chilling out to Keb Mo. It was nice to find we had something in common. Something to talk about besides cranial damage and human stupidity. The thought made me smile, and for a few minutes I just laid there and watched. What a cool way to wake up.

But that relaxation wasn't to last long. After an hour or so of looking at the clock (1:15...1:18... 1:53... ugh) or Ratchet, I got twitchy.

It was like that horrendously uncomfortable feeling in my bones that I always got when I was sick with the flu or something, and stuck in bed for days on end. In regular life, when I was working 6 days a fucking week or studying for final exams, I wanted nothing more than to be able to lay around for a few days and turn my brain off and just do nothing. But when I got sick and _had the chance to_ lay around, I had to move. HAD TO. Or I'd go absolutely ape-shit. Clean, go for a run, fix my car, whatever, as long as I wasn't in that fucking bed or on the couch anymore.

At this moment I was at the point of screaming if I didn't get out of my bed. Then I'd end up probably hurting myself, which would only make things WORSE, and incidentally get Ratchet on my ass (which in any other context would be something worth considering), and he'd condemn me to even MORE bed-rest and tedium and possibly bad UFC reruns on Spike TV... wait, there IS no TV...no... But I couldn't keep laying here staring at the ceiling! There was so much going on, so much to think about, worry about, fix, cry over, beat up, investigate, and what was I doing? NOTHING.

Not that I could do much anyway... fuck. What could I do, besides beat up the Decepticons with my wrist cast?

Frankly I didn't want to be stuck here with my own damn thoughts cause they were getting downright fucking nasty. And I didn't want to be depressed. Nothing to get depressed about really... well, sort of.

Distraction. Yeah. I needed one, like, yesterday.

Wait, yesterday I was unconscious.

Whatever. Bad Drugs.

_Tormenting The Medic_ was fun, but way overdone. _Baiting the Basket-case_ (Ironhide) was hilarious, but dangerous to my continued existence... which would yet again go full circle into Ratchet ordering more bed-rest... and possibly a gag and restraints (which again, in another context might be worth considering. Heh.). He wasn't within yelling distance anyway, so that was moot. I needed something else.

My irrational brooding was interrupted by the weird yet familiar sound of Ratchet sniffing the air. He 'followed' his nose, ended up staring down at me and my little blanket-swaddled ball of misery, and hummed.

"What?" _Do I stink?_

He wordlessly turned in his seat and started digging around in a cabinet I could fit four of me in, and came back a moment later holding a ridiculously small bottle, which he dropped unceremoniously into my hands.

... Midol.

As embarrassing and clinical as the whole process was, it was probably just what I needed. I broke into screeching laughter, practically falling off my bed as Ratchet looked on in complete confusion.

_Oh man, the world may be falling down around my ears, but at least I'll be entertained!_

It took some deep thought and a few deeply painful motions (muttered bitterly at by Ratchet the whole time) but I got the situation taken care of, and it was back to laying there staring at the ceiling.

_Right, _Tormenting the Medic_ it is then._

It didn't take much. Ratchet loved to argue. You couldn't tell though, not unless you really watched his body movement. He sounded pissed, determined, but his stance held something akin to enjoyment whenever someone back-talked him. His body-hum sound was a little different. Like Jazz's when he was horny. _Oh god_.

The real fun started when I told him that if I laid here much longer I'd get bedsores. He countered that a few days in bed wouldn't do that to me, but I insisted on getting up and off this goddamn bed, if only for a few minutes, maybe just to find a bathroom and pee like a regular person. I wanted to feel ground beneath my feet, not hospital style bedsheets on my back. It was driving me batty and Ratchet was in my goddamn way.

After a solid three minutes of yelling at each other, he reluctantly gave in, spouting some obscure medical shit that would justify me touching ground again, and helped me up and out, (thankfully he'd removed the catheter while I was unconscious, or the whole walking thing would have been a tad bit uncomfortable) setting me very gently on the floor. I held on to the bed for dear life when my legs decided to defy me and buckle. A minute later I had them under my control and stood solidly. My ribs ached with every breath and hanging on to the bed one-handed was sort of a bitch but goddamn, it felt great to be upright.

I felt like walking. Ratchet didn't look happy but his hand hovered close. "You are insane, Malena."

"No shit." I grunted, dragging myself more than walking. It hurt to breathe, or twist, or, well, anything, but I swallowed it like a big girl.

I did a slow circuit around my bed, then again, and again, before my legs turned to spaghetti and I had to rest. Ratchet was nice enough to just put his hand near so I could prop myself back up and onto the bed, but didn't move to actually pick me up. Guess someone (probably my evil sister) told him I wasn't big on help. For that I was grateful.

Once I settled in I carefully stretched my arms above my head and groaned. "Gad, this sucks."

"The weariness is likely a side effect of the medications you're on. It will pass. And, like you said earlier, it could be much worse."

I nodded, slowly so I didn't piss him off. "True... but frankly I can't wait to go home. No offence, but this place ain't nearly as comfortable as my own bed."

Ratchet paused, optics dimming just a little, barely noticeable, before he seamlessly went back to poking at Prime's internal circuitry again. My spidey senses blared fucking alarms at me. I called him on it.

"Dude, you're not as subtle as you think. What's up?"

Ratchet harrumphed. "Jazz wasn't kidding when he mentioned your precognitive capabilities."

"It ain't precognition, dude. It's observance and my fucked up version of logic. You paused." I pointed a finger at him accusingly. "You fuckin' paused when I mentioned home. I know it blew up. I just don't know how bad." I was scaring myself the more I talked. "Nobody's told me anything. Which is fucking bad. So... what happened?"

_I really really don't wanna know. My couch is singed. My fridge is slightly charred. That's it. Right. I wish. _

Ratchet sighed, put the circuitry down on the table, and started talking.

* * *

_Senses wavered, dizzy, spinning head, disoriented, confused, cold, tired. Frenzy felt like someone dipped him in liquid nitrogen and spun about a million times. _

_'Uuuurgh...'_

_'Told ya to play dead, glitch!'_

_Rumble? 'Rumble, what the frag?' Frenzy practically screamed into the link, but did as Rumble had told him before, physically played dead. It was easy, he really didn't want to move anyways. His head was spinning enough._

_'Remember those squishies in ugly outfits I was tellin' you about?'_

_Frenzy sent an affirmative. _

_'Well they got me and they got you and they got freezing shit that incapacitates us and enough backwards-ass squishy technology to tear us apart.'_

_Frenzy almost twitched. Almost._

_Rumble talked fast. 'But there's one thing they don't know. They cut off short-distance internal communications, Primus knows how, but they don't know about the bond, our link to Soundwave.'_

_Frenzy felt hope rise and explode in him. He couldn't contact Barricade, but his creator, no problem. What comfort it would be to hear his voice._

_Rumble continued. 'They can't hear us or detect it, so they can't cut it off without actually killing us. As long as we don't clue them in to how we're communicating, and play the good sleeping test subjects, we should be alright.'_

_'Test subjects?"_

_'You're such a dipshit when you wake up, ya know'_

_Oh yes. Blackout. Poor poor Blackie. Frenzy repressed a shudder, and refused to look at that pile again. It was grotesque, terrifying, and in no way would he submit to being nothing but a pile of junk by the hands of HUMANS._

_'Disturbing, isn't it.' Rumble said, serious for once. Frenzy managed to squeak in response. _

_'I think they have the same plan for us."_

_Frenzy caught the unsaid, 'Whatever it is.' _

_He struggled not to fight his way free, knowing that he wouldn't have a chance with all those squishies around. Rumble mentally agreed, though they both knew they had to get the frag out of there, as soon as possible, lest they end up on the business end of the human's dissection tools. But the time wasn't right now. Not when they both were so weak._

_'Gonna keep tryin' to contact Ravage and Beaky. If that works, we try the Boss. Have to self-repair a little more. Need to recharge. You take this watch.'_

_Right. Frenzy conceded, keeping a sensor on the humans as they worked._

* * *

"So lemme get this straight... I'm homeless."

"Yes."

"And apparently I'm jobless."

"According to Jazz, yes."

"And my car is nothing but a pile of melted bits of metallic goo."

"That is an exaggeration, but essentially, yes."

"... fuck."

"Indeed."

Nobody had told me anything about the explosion, except that it was more or less big, and hurt me a lot. Would have hurt me more if Prime hadn't been so damn fast. Apparently my car almost landed on me, and I came out of there on fire. The cops were calling it sabotage, or something. Fuck. Nobody told me shit until Ratchet sat down next to my bed and related the whole goddamn thing, front to back. If I wasn't so sleepy and sore I'd put foot so some metallic silver ass. And maybe some fleshie little sister ass too.

By the time he was finished it was closer to dawn than I'd have thought, and my body was exhausted. My brain on the other hand kept going over and over the facts.

Blessed Ratchet remained silent for a while, just sitting nearby, not tinkering, just... sitting. Letting me process.

"Fuck."

"You said that already."

"It needed repeating."

We were quiet for a couple more minutes, then Ratchet suggested I sleep. Really, I'd have loved to but... brain way too revved up.

So, after an hour of tossing, turning, and making excuses to Ratchet (who asked if I wanted more drugs, but I stupidly said no) he commed for Jazz. Or he must have, because suddenly there he was, and Ratchet was gone.

When the poor guy walked in, he got nothing but a dead stare. I wasn't angry at him or anything... well, a little, he could have told me, would have rather heard this shit from him than from Ratchet. Mostly, I was just... tired. And as much as I adored him, not even he could get a smile on my face right now. Not after that news.

He seemed to know it too. No attempts at lightness, humour... I guess he was used to this sort of thing. It was a side of him I didn't think about very often, if at all. He's a damn soldier, he's seen and done things I couldn't even imagine. He only usually showed me his 'yeah I'm hot and you know it' side. Right now though, he just walked up to my bed, plucked me right out of it and just held me. Unwarriorlike, sure, but I knew, he was smart enough to know when someone just needed a fucking hug.

Just him being there seemed to be enough. Everything slowed, calmed down, and I filled my head with that funky buzzing sound emanating from his chest. I didn't even realize I fell asleep til he shifted and placed me back in bed, then formed his holo and joined me.

"Jazz?"

"Mmm?"

"This sucks."

"Yeah. Now shut up 'n go to sleep."

"Yes dear."

* * *

a/n: Okay. Must pass out.


End file.
